#the absolutely unofficial nine houses test
SEABOUND! A LOCKED TOMB UNIVERSE SURVIVAL ADVENTURE AND HOUSE IDENTIFICATION TOOL
You and a couple of your friends, if you have any, are on a boat in the ocean. Why are you here? Is this even relevant in the universe? Who cares. This ocean’s purpose is to help you pick… your true House identity.
Luckily, on this magical survival journey you have the opportunity to pick items to help you. You may salvage five items of the fifteen I am about to list under the cut. These items will be the key to who you are, secretly, on the inside. You’re probably going to die, but at least you will know who you are, which has to be some kind of comfort, right
These items will score you points with one or more Houses. Once you have made your selection, read the guide, tally your points, and discover… Yourself!!!!
PICK YOUR TOP FIVE OUT OF…
- A sack of mandibles
- A sack of fresh human hands
- A rolled-up flag of the Cohort, soldiers of the blessed Necrolord Prime
- Pen and flimsy
- A bottle of 160 proof rum
- A waterproof portrait of the Emperor, here portrayed as the Merciful Resurrector
- An empty bottle with a lid to seal it
- An ancient flare gun of curious make
- A book of antiquated Ninth House prayers
- A 25 litre container of BLOOD
- A single sharp rapier
- A shaving mirror
- A case of absolutely disgusting army rations, hard and bad
- A case of extremely glamorous luxe rations, but poisoned
- A tinier, leakier fold-out raft, with a dubious motor
What’s that, you want it in image format???
WRITE YOUR TOP FIVE DOWN………..
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
It may be helpful to organise a tally sheet, like so…..
Don’t scroll down until you have made your choices…
No peeking past this point….
I mean it…………..
DO NOT LOOK BELOW UNTIL YOU HAVE SETTLED YOUR CHOICES, UNLESS YOU ARE A HUGE CHEATER, IN WHICH CASE GIVE YOURSELF AN EXTRA +10 THIRD HOUSE POINTS
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ITEM GUIDE
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A SACK OF OLD OSSICLES
+15 Ninth House points
Only a Ninth House necromancer would want this. Not even a bone necromancer would look in joy on a sack of ossicles. If it was a more useful bone or even a fresher bone, sure, or let’s say a whole skeleton, that would be arguably useful, but in the hands of most bone adepts the ossicle is simply an ossicle. You’re from the Ninth House if you ranked this highly, which means odds are good that you are 90+ and have kidney and bladder problems.
A SACK OF FRESH HUMAN HANDS
+10 Third House points
+7 Seventh House points
+6 Second House points
+5 Third House points
+5 Fourth House points
+5 Fifth House points
+5 Sixth House points
+5 Ninth House points
Fresh human hands are generally useful. Fresh flesh (say that five times fast) will carry a goodly amount of thanergy (death energy) andthalergy (life energy), which in the hands of a necromancer might be put to good purpose. Extra points to the Third and Seventh houses, places where you’re likely to find very talented flesh magicians; five points to the other houses as flesh magic is quite generally used, and if not, there’s a whole articulating hand in there for the bone magicians. The Ninth House don’t rate this quite as highly as the sack of ossicles because you have to get the flesh off first. The Eighth House does not want your sack of fresh human hands.
The Second House gets an extra point because we could always eat those hands. We’ve eaten worse.
A ROLLED-UP FLAG OF THE COHORT, SOLDIERS OF THE BLESSED NECROLORD PRIME
+15 Second House points
+5 Seventh House points
+1 point for every other House
Only a Second House denizen would think this was a must-have. It doesn’t even have a pole. You can’t fly it. You can just look at it and think patriotic thoughts about the Cohort. The only reason you get +1 from any other House is because you could maybe use it as shade. The Seventh House scores a cool five points off this one because it would be a very Seventh House thought to be found dead and draped in the Cohort flag. Symbolic… aesthetic…. Raw
PEN AND FLIMSY
+15 Sixth House points
+10 Fifth House points
+10 Seventh House points
+10 Eighth House points
Reaching for the pen and flimsy first is a very Sixth House thing to do, because you’re going to immediately try to form a committee, have a huge argument, split off on your own and do some kind of brainstorm of ideas, then maybe you’re going to write down a bunch of bullshit equations and jot notes on the back about ways in which this might contribute to your research. The Fifth House also may well reach for this, but it’s to write down everyone on the boat’s memoirs, and perhaps a group letter expressing regret at what a bish they’ve made of it and perhaps a small measure of buttoned-up, restrained feeling for their lovers back home.
The Seventh House have written a single, very beautiful and oblique sentence about the water. The Eighth House have written down a list of any moral crimes committed on the boat.
A BOTTLE OF 160 PROOF RUM
+15 Third House points
+5 Fourth House points
+1 Second House points
CUP OF ACE, CUP OF GOOSE, CUP OF CRIS
The good Third House citizen has resigned themselves to death, but to not go gentle into that good night. The Fourth House thinks they could light this on fire, or something? Who knows
The Second House citizen will surprise you by doing a generous shot of this before everyone starts playing Mercy Stab The Weakest Members Of The Boat So They Won’t Have To Suffer.
A WATERPROOF PORTRAIT OF THE EMPEROR
+15 Eighth House points
+5 Seventh House points
+5 Ninth House points
The Eighth House citizen will pray at this grimly until they die. The Ninth House citizen will also do a certain amount of praying at this grimly until they die, but get less points because they’ll also be praying to other things.
The Seventh House citizen may hope to drape the Cohort flag over one of their dead bodies, and this to be held by another, and then they’ve got a tableau so symbolic that their rescuers will set it up as an art installation.
AN EMPTY BOTTLE WITH A LID TO SEAL IT
+9 Sixth House points
+9 Fifth House points
+9 Eighth House points
There’s no water around, so what are you going to do with this EXCEPT use it to put your rolled-up memoirs, thought crimes, or the useful rebuttal to that one article you just thought up and hope someone will rescue and publish?
AN ANTIQUE FLARE GUN OF CURIOUS MAKE
+15 Fourth House points
+5 Fifth House points
+5 Sixth House points
This thing will blow your head off. It’s a gun. Don’t – don’t fucking fire it here (NOISE OF BODY PARTS HITTING WATER)
It is intensely Fourth House to take an unbelievably dangerous piece of kit you barely understand and bravely fire it in the hope of getting rescued. It is also intensely Fifth and Sixth house just to keep a museum piece around so you can look at it and admire it. How interesting our antecedents were, to be sure
A BOOK OF ANTIQUATED NINTH HOUSE PRAYERS
+15 Ninth House points
+5 Sixth House points
+5 Seventh House points
+1 Fifth House points
‘Nuff said.
The other points reflects different desperations in the Sixth and Fifth houses are for reading material, and the Seventh House might add this to the tableau as an Enigma.
A TWENTY-FIVE LITRE CONTAINER OF BLOOD!!!!
+9 Fifth House points
Nobody wants this and very few people are talented enough to separate the toxic iron stew from some drinkable plasma, or something. The Fifth House in its boundless optimism may take this thinking they might call a ghost, but otherwise, yuk
A SINGLE SHARP RAPIER
+10 Second House points
+9 Fourth House points
+9 Seventh House points
+2 Third House points
The Second House knows that the death of a colleague neatly stabbing you is better than a death by drowning. The Fourth House is going to fuck up an octopus. The Seventh House is going to have it present, centrally, on the boat, and cast down glances through their eyelashes at it but otherwise never mention its presence, tortured. The Third House just wants a sword for the delicious drama. Delicious, delicious drama
A SHAVING MIRROR
+6 Fourth House points
+2 Third House points
A mirror can reflect the sun, generating up to seven million candlepower in light. A mirror would be a very Fourth House idea: something that sounds unrealistic and stupid on first blush, but turns out to be a one in a million incredible idea that may even save your life.
The Third House just want to check their mascara, and also see over their shoulder before one of their boat colleagues sticks the single sharp rapier inside them. Drama
A CASE OF ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING ARMY RATIONS, HARD AND BAD
+9 Second House points
+1 to every other House
We can’t fault you for practicality.
A CASE OF EXTREMELY GLAMOROUS LUXE RATIONS, BUT POISONED
+8 Third House points
+5 Eighth House points
Fuck this noise and pass me the caviar, darling
The Eighth House are also ready to receive the poison, but they will try their damndest not to enjoy it.
A TINIER, LEAKIER FOLD-OUT RAFT, WITH A DUBIOUS MOTOR
+5 Fourth House points
This is not going to get you five yards on a free ticket, which is why hopping into it and getting that dusty, wheezy motor going, then sailing for help as the rest of the boat watches you sink into the ocean and get snapped up by a giant undead squid is the most Fourth House thing you could’ve done.
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FAQ
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WHAT DO I DO IN CASE OF A TIE?
Pick the House descriptor most like yourself, or most like the person you secretly wish you were, or with the colours you like best.
WHAT DO I DO IF I DON’T LIKE THE ANSWER?
We all have to live with pain. I have gotten sorted into Slytherin House every Sorting test I have ever taken. This is not correct. I am a muggle, and demand to be treated as such.
BUT I REALLY HATE MY ANSWER.
Then you’re a Firebender. Everyone loves being a Firebender.
CAN I BE IN THE FIRST HOUSE?
No, you cursed grandpa.
ARE YOUR HOUSES REALLY MADE UP OF NARROW STEREOTYPES?
No. You are just as likely to find a party-loving Second House member as you are to find a Fourth House deep thinker who always looks before they leap. These are simply the crude crystallizations, such as those used for soap operas and toothpaste advertisements.
SOMETHING ELSE?
Whatever your problem, you can always make up your own House, with the rider that you would have to make it up as though you were ten years old and were basing it heavily around whatever you were into at the time, which would mean that my House would be inspired entirely by the Warcraft II: Tides of Darkness manual
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COUNT UP YOUR POINTS, DIVINE YOUR HOUSE, AND THEN…
Congratulations, dullard/poser/fool/stodge/nerd/drip/zealot/weirdo! You’re in the Second/Third/Fourth/Fifth/Sixth/Seventh/Eighth/Ninth House!!!
