#the whole no im actually 300 thing is usually a b it eh
‘My vampiric mistress saved me from a life of poverty and destitution, but she made me wait to be turned until I was old enough to take up a trade or go to university. That way I might be taken seriously by the humans which surrounded us, and would have the pick of careers to pursue.
‘Unfortunately, in the six hundred years since, cultural mores have shifted, and now appearing to be fourteen means they won’t even hire me for a weekend shift at the Burger House.’
‘And that’s why I’m submitting this audition tape to the Disney Channel. Tired of your serial programming having a short shelf-life when your stars inevitably age out of their roles? I won’t age. Believe me, I’ve tried. This baby face is forever. I can play a winsome middle schooler for decades, and I can do it convincingly. Do you know how many times I’ve gone through fucking seventh gra–’
The video cuts off and resumes with the speaker looking noticeably more composed.
‘Are you sick of working with child actors? Looking for a performer whose maturity level matches yours and whose cultural references you’ll understand? I’m happy to discuss popcorn stitch knitting and World War II submarines with any of your cast and crew. I could do my own taxes if anybody would hire me for a job that generated taxable income. I mean it, I’m a licensed CPA. They have night classes down at the learning annex, and it’s just something to do, you know? But I’ve been going for a few years in a row and the professors are getting nervous and one of them asked me whether I had a goddamn glandular condition and she was so nice about it that I couldn’t just–“
The video cuts off and resumes with the speaker looking noticeably less composed, holding the camera with both hands and leaning in close so the speaker’s face fills the frame.
‘Listen.Listen. I need this job. I am perfect for this job. I will pay you if you hire me, okay? I’m good for it. You know how much money six hundred years of compound interest will get you? Give me this fucking job or I’ll make it my life’s mission to buy Walt’s company and raze it to the ground–’The tape cuts to a black screen with white block text reading THANK YOU FOR YOUR INTEREST. I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING FROM YOU.
