#theres a lot of internalized hatred i havent worked out yet

:

revelation moment: i thought that all of the shame/fear i felt towards being a feeder growing up was rooted in stigma & internalized fatphobia, but i’m now realizing that i also struggled with viewing myself as predatory bc as an afab person i was taught all my life that i could never be the ‘pursuer.’ the only people who are allowed to pursue their desires are men; often in predatory ways, by overstepping boundaries etc. (at least that has been my experience w the straight men in my life). and so this kink, to me, is all about me being the lover, the desirer, the pursuer, the caretaker, the pleasure-giver… and i want that in the most happy, reciprocated, and beautiful of ways. but i’ve never seen a man be the desiree outside of feedism, specifically to a softly dominant woman/nb person. (side note - this may be why i feel so drawn to mlm ships/fanfictions! men are sought after in ways i’d seek them!) the kind of dynamic i fantasize about having in a relationship with a man has always felt unrealistic or unattainable and i couldn’t put my finger on why. and now i am realizing that i tiptoe around everything and repress a lot of my desires because the last thing i want is for someone to feel the discomfort and fear i feel when i am being pursued by straight men.

conclusion: i really need to date inside the community…