You know what I want? I want boys to stand up for themselves.
I want to see boys who wear fingernail polish the color of firetrucks and give people the finger when they say something sexist about it. I want boys who grow long ass hair and braid it and shit because they fucking can. I want boys to wear shorter shorts because fuck that knee-length shit. I want boys who wear provocative clothing because they like feeling sexy just like we do.
I want boys who interrupt conversations to remind misandrists that label themselves feminists that, just because there are rapists who are men, doesn’t mean men are rapists. I want boys that stop the tirade of hate raining down upon them just because they were born by reminding these women that they’re fighting against the same thing they’re doing, but vice versa.
I WANT IT TO BE SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE FOR BOYS AND MEN TO STAND UP FOR THEMSELVES THE WAY WOMEN DO.
Aliens have captured you, and placed you in one of their nature preserves. However, they have sorely miscalculated on two issues: The amount of calories needed to keep a persistence predator sated, and the lethality/brutality of a hangry human.
first alien scientist in hover car: i don’t understand, all these creatures thrived together in the original environment, why is it eating them to extinction here?
second alien scientist: maybe we should add more crayfish? it ate the whole population in one sitting, that was kind of a surprise.
me, without looking up from scraping a caribou hide: i can hear you, assholes.
alien scientists:(staring)
me:yeah, i learned your language. you keep sitting there talking about me like i can’t hear you, that’s gonna happen.
first scientist: fascinating. we knew you were arguably sentient, but… (making notes)
second scientist: why are you eating everything? your food requirement in your home environment was less than half this.
me: i didn’t have to catch it myself, you idiots! you yoinked me out of the middle of a camping trip! i bought all that food at a store! i bought my CLOTHES at a store. i bought my BEDDING at a store. I DID NOT HAVE TO KILL MY OWN TENT.
me, finally looking up, shaking a flint knife at them: what the hell kind of scientists could go to earth and not notice the dominant species lives in cities? did you just swoop by in a hurry and grab everything out of the park without looking?
scientists:(silence)
me: … oh my god.
scientists: we’re grad students.
I need this as a film.
i propose aldis hodge as the camper
I love this. Kind of like an inverted Predator. I want to know more about this character and his flint knapping because that isn’t a usual skill. (And how he picked up the language and so on. I imagine him grumbling to himself as he tries to spell what he’s hearing phoenetically with a stick.)
ok i confess i was envisioning not aldis hodge the actor, but alec hardison the character, so like… mega genius memelord, probably watched ‘primitive technology’ and ‘how to make everything’ in a side window while he worked. not because he was especially interested in primitive survival, but because he ran out of mythbusters.
so he kinda absorbed it peripherally but never practiced it. then he’s out on a fishing trip and aliens just up and gank the whole park.
they watch as he eats the food he brought, and that’s their data for his caloric needs. but he’s eating that while sitting in his camp trying to figure out wtf happened with nothing but his third best laptop, a phone with no signal, and a solar charger. (he figures out a surprising amount this way. he is a genius.) once he runs out of freeze dried mac n cheese, he has to live on what he can catch and forage. he is… not the greatest fisherman. this ‘fishing’ trip was supposed to be an excuse to doze on the lakeshore and brainstorm his next programming project. it was the middle of summer in the northwoods – too late for fiddleheads and cattail shoots, too early for berries and fruit.
there is a hilarious ‘wrong mushroom’ episode.
okay, so he’s getting pretty hungry. one or two fish sticks a day and some boiled shelf mushrooms is not cutting it. the aliens who keep hovering around talking about him occasionally drop him some rations, but they’re copies of his camping food, and also they sometimes don’t, because they’re studying his ‘hunting techniques’.
he finds a stream with crayfish. they are SO EASY TO CATCH. he is full for like three days! then there are no more crayfish. he is the crawdad extinction event; good job dude.
all this time, between attempts at hunting and gathering, he’s trying to reconstruct what he halfway learned off youtube. it takes practice, but he’s got nothing but time. when the aliens eventually take away his tent to see how he makes his own shelter, he’s more than ready to stab some megafauna. he fire-hardens a pointy stick and just goes for it.
killing the caribou is surprisingly easy. watching it die is surprisingly hard. butchering it is a smelly mess but eating a fresh grilled steak for the first time in months is GLORIOUS.
it takes about a year to learn the aliens’ language. genius or no, he doesn’t have any references except the few words their actions explain, so even full immersion is a real slow start. once he begins to pick up vocab, though, the rest comes faster. these aliens are real chatterboxes. they’ll sit there in their floaty thing for HOURS arguing with each other, and they both think out loud.
he learns plenty of swear words when he uses a hide he accidentally ruined as a canvas and paints a cartoon of the aliens having a baby fight.
though he’s not confident in his accent, the day he overhears them admitting they have no idea what he needs to eat and aren’t starving him on purpose, he is DONE. they are going to get a piece of his mind. this is the worst. vacation. ever.
This needs to be a 12 episode netflix serie. At least. The sequel serie should be about him sneaking into the alien society using various survival in the concrete jungle tips and tricks and eventually catching a ride back to Earth. Each episode should be named like those youtube videos he’s been watching and the intro should look exactly like the youtube screen. Imagine.
Episode 1:
Firing pottery in a primitive kiln, part 2
Time stamp: 8:27
A dad-like guy in his mid 50s with thick texas accent explains how the orange color of hot pottery signals that the kiln has reached the temperature around 1000°C, enough to fire the clay and just enough to create a thin glass like layer of wood ash glaze on the surface, that should make it waterproof. He also shows a little stick that he’s currently shaping into a smooth cilindrical shape to work as a stopper in his new clay water bottle. That is, if the thing had survived the firing. We will see in about 12 hours.
Without any explanation, the camera cuts right to the hoverin ship getting hit by a piece of broken pottery which didn’t, in fact, survive the firing. Aliens immediately interrupt the heated discussion to look down and see what just happened.
On the ground, Alec flips them bird while drinking from his new clay bottle. Alec’s disembodied voice explains, that three weeks ago, the massive flood and the resulting floodwave from what looks like the rapidly melting glacier destroyed his previous camp and took pretty much everything Alec didn’t have strapped on his body or inside of one of his numerous pockets. Food gone. Sleeping bag gone. Fancy fishing chair with fish rod and beer can holders gone.
Alec corks the bottle with a wooden stopper, puts it into a poorly but functionally woven willow basket over what looks like a folded hoodie right next to a bunch smoke dried filets, throws the basket over one shoulder and starts walking away from the camera.
Another disembodied monologue says:
“Less than a month ago, i was chilling by the lake enjoying the summer away from city. You know it, watching water, slapping mosquitoes, thinking about all that deep motivational shit you see people thinking about in all cheesy movies, the usual. Then another cliche movie bullshit happened and my stupid ass got abducted by aliens, along with what looks like a big chunk of the Yellowstone national park. This is the worst. Vacation. Ever.”
(Insert primitive drum music intro with the tv serie logo dramatically popping out from the background here)
“Three weeks ago”
The episode really starts with Alec’s camp being washed away by a massive flood wave while he went to take a leak in nerby trees.
