fourth of july

tw: reader death. angst/sadness all that juicy good stuff listen to a sad song for the added effect ;)

did you get enough love, my little dove?

“I can’t do this” Donnie’s voice is hoarse, his glasses and mask abandoned somewhere in the dark depths of what used to be your shared room. Your smell is barely there anymore, a hollow reminder that your existence was ceasing by the second. And that very thought diminished him than ever possible.

“Donnie….please…” Mikey whispers, his eyes shining with his unshed tears. His own heart was hurting, he couldn’t possibly fathom the heartbreak his older brother was going through. He’d never seen Donatello so defeated and so empty, something that scared orange banded turtle. What a stark contrast to how he acted like in his day to day life, so calm and collected. Chittering away at his latest investion only now he couldn’t bring himself to hold a screwdriver.

You’d gone and taken him with you

“I can’t” Donnie’s voice had dropped to a harsh whisper, trying yet ultimately failing to hold the anguish torrent of tears that had been building up since that dreadful day.

Two horrible days ago, two days since he’d felt any sort of peace. Two days since the love of his life ceased to exist…

His fists clenched and unclenched with every moment, trying to regain enough patience and clarity to make his next move but it never came. It would never come, not until you were here with him again or if he joined you above.

why do you cry?

“Don…” Mikey’s voice is a hoarse whisper, biting down on the inside of his cheek to stop any tears. He needed to console his brother but how? There wasn’t a death this close to the family before, there wasn’t anything remotely similar like this before in their lives.

“I miss her so much, my Y/N. It feels like my heart isn’t there anymore. It feels like…. I’m not here” Donnie sobs, his knees buckling until they hit the floor, unable to stop the barricade of tears that streamed down his cheeks dropping like glimmering pearls. His colour was lighter and sickly than usual, his steeled walls breaking inch by inch revealing a vulnerable and broken little boy needing any type of comfort.

Mikey takes a deep breath, his own throat threatening to close up on him but today he had to be strong for his older brothers sake. He needed to be.

Not a word was said as the youngest turtle gently helped Donnie make himself look somewhat presentable for the worst day of his life. Piece by piece his perfect facade went on, until the terrapin could barely recognise himself in the mirror.

“You got this bro, we’re here for you” Mikey ties the knot on Donnie’s mask, brushing his suit down. Not a word could pass the purple banded turtle, just stuck in a poisonous cycle of his mind replaying the sweetest memories of you. From the day you met, to your first kiss to the first time you both joined your bodies together to the first trip you both made solo. Everything.

And he feels his hand being pulled in some direction but he doesn’t know where, he doesn’t bother knowing where either. He allows the hand to take him where it desires while he clings to the memories knowing that he’d never be able to relive them again.

and i’m sorry i left, it was for the best

The smell of this place was different, it felt heavy. Thick. Unable to breathe. His eyes adjusted to the harsh light and there he saw his family stand, all dressed in conservative and respectable clothing. His brothers come towards him, a sad smile on their lips.

Donnie trembled, clutching his bo staff close to his chest. His tie felt like it was strangling him, the suit felt too itchy and too uncomfortable. Panic began spreading in the pit of his stomach, coursing through his veins like gasoline. The room began spinning, nausea hitting him over and over like a wave.

It was his worst nightmare coming true, reliving those horrid moments all over again.

“Oh god….” Donnie uttered under his breath, unable to regain his control. He looks to his brothers in a panicked stare, looking at your coffin then back at them. You’re supposed to be up and about, why are you so still? Why are you so pale, why do you look so….. dead?

“Leo??…. She- I-I can’t-…. Raph??… Please…. nonono…” Donnie shakes his head, edging backwards until he was met against Leo’s plastron. He whirled around and gripped his leaders hand, his hazel eyes red and swollen pointing shakily towards your casket.

“Leo…. what’s-what’s going on? What’s happening, help me, please stop this nightmare. Please, I’m begging!” He covers his ears but the pain he tries to remove is inside of him. It’s fire roars louder than he could’ve ever imagined, the agony of its flames scorch and burn him. A reminder of his failed attempt at his promise. The very promise he swore to you when you first met.

“Hey hey, shhh…. it’s okay. It’s okay, yer okay. Look at me Don, breathe in…” Raphael steps forward, coming before his younger brother. He holds Donnie’s hands away from his face, forcing the turtle to look directly at him.

“She’s okay, she’s somewhere better now Donnie. This is where you say goodbye” Leo’s voice is gentle, his hand gently nudges Donnie’s shoulder but he doesn’t move. Like his feet were glued to the floor, forcing him to live these dark moments over and over until he’s paralysed with fear and overcome with sadness.

“I-I can’t…. I wasn’t…. we weren’t supposed to part ways now! Not like this” Donnie covered his face, not wanting to face you just yet. He didn’t think he could mentally take it. Ironic because he had seen his fair share of gruesome and horrible images but this one…. this one would leave a scar forever.

Raphael takes him in without another word and the sudden comfort shocks the purple-banded vessel of heartbreak, and he broke down completely, the walls protecting him from the torture of his own emotions shattering within him. He clung to Raph tightly. Silent, brutal sobs rocked his frail form as tears soaked the plastron of the much stronger body holding his.

Two more bodies join the hug, clutching their wounded brother as tight as they could. Hoping to pick up the pieces of his heartbreak but they know he’ll never be the same after this.

“Ya take yer time Don and we’ll be here when yer ready”

though it never felt right

He stands there, leaning against his bo staff. His tears slowly trail once more down his cheeks, ironically enough. He felt like he cried enough that tears couldn’t be expelled anymore. Yet they seemed to effortlessly fall at your expense. His shaky hands hover just above your skin, not wanting to disrupt your peacefulness even though you were no longer present in the world. Your eyes closed, lips poised in the smallest of smiles.

“It was supposed to be us forever. What…… what happened to that, my darling?” He whispers, his hand cradling yours so gently. His head aches, his body shivering but he daren’t move. Not when your touch is his only grounding point, not when he stands so close to losing everything all at once.

“Do you remember our last outing? The picnic?” He swallows hard, biting his lip to stop the lump in his throat growing any further.

“The stars…. you said that you loved the stars. In fact I grew to love them too, only it’s funny how they seem to shine a little brighter now that you’ve joined them” He chuckled sadly, his thumb rubbing circles across your knuckles.

It was something he always did as he held your hand, something that brought his peace with the feeling of your skin against his. But you don’t reciprocate his actions, your hand lays limp in-between his. And Donnie takes in a deep breath, gently setting your hand back to its rightful place.

“I almost envy you. You’ve gone and taken my heart with you and now I must live without it. You’re my heart, Y/N. You’re my everything. I cannot love or live without you” His voice becomes thick, a teardrop falling upon your sleeping face. He just looks, hoping you’ll make a motion or something but you never do. You never will.

Your absence rung loudly in his ears, how could he let you go out like this? Why couldn’t he protect you like he promised to? Little by little, those pieces that once grounded him slowly broke into a million pieces. Never to be completed whole ever again. Never to be found, scattered in the dust, belonging to the world.

my little versailles

And there, above, you watched the love of your life crumble under the crushing weight of his despair. You ached to hold him close to your chest and maybe one day, you’d have the privilege to hug him again. It seemed like such a cruel fate, how close you both were and yet how far. How neither could reach out to one another. You could only the love that you both shared would help comfort him in ways that he needed.

But even sometimes love wasn’t enough.

Always, part 7

a/n: here you go nonnie! god this nearly killed me but i had to post it for you, darling! enjoy!! and be warned, you may not like the ending ;) ❤

part 1: X

part 2: X

part 3: X

part 4: X

part 5: X 

part 6: X

“How is recovery goin’?” The amusement in Raph’s voice made you roll your eyes, facing the terrapin at the end of the door. For the last 2 weeks, you had been confined to the lair. Splinter and Leo thought it would’ve been best for you to lay low for a while, until your major injuries had healed. And for the most part they healed well, who knew Raph could play doctor? Granted he wasn’t exactly professional like Donnie but he could do the basics and for that, you were endlessly grateful.

“Well…. as best as it can possibly go…” Sighing, you sat on one of the red stools in the kitchen while he tinkled around the kitchen. For someone who was extremely muscular and tall, his footprints weren’t as heavy as you had thought them to be.

“They still hurtin’ ya?” He looked over at you with concern and you shrugged, placing your phone down to look at him.

“Yeah but-” You didn’t even get a chance to finish your sentence before Raph fussed over you, eyeing your shirt to see any blood.

“Why didn’t ya say somethin?? Are ya bleedin’? Should I get Don-” His eyes bored into yours, the intensity swirling in them wildly. It shocked you for a minute, an army of butterflies invading your heart before you shook yourself off. No, he was just being sweet. It’s just that

“It’s not bleeding. It’s uncomfortable but the pain is bearable. Don’t call him, the last thing I want to do is look at him” Your voice dropped to a whisper, ending the sentence with a slight frown. After everything that had happened, after the whole ordeal, Donnie was still the one your heart yearned after. And you hated yourself for that. A familiar lump grew in your throat, your fingers curling around the utensils to distract yourself from the tears that grew close to falling.

“Have you ever gotten your heart broken by someone who didn’t even love you?” You chuckled sadly, toying with the end of the knife. You hadn’t expected him to answer, probably give you a snort and tell you to move on. But he set his knife down for a moment, his eyes gazing into the distance just for second.

“I know that feeling all too well, actually…” Raph whispered, cutting his sandwich in half. Your head turned to him, eyes narrowed at the brute. But before you could even ask him, a voice you dreaded to hear perked up behind you

“You’re walking” The smell of coffee and a woody cologne filled your nostrils and it brought you back those memories you’d tried to hard to lock up.

“10/10 observation” You reply coldly, placing away the knives and dusting yourself off. Raph looked between the two of you awkwardly, fading into the background to do this thing. You wished he stayed, hopefully to get you out of this situation.

“Look at me Y/N. Please” The last part is soft and desperate, you can feel your heart breaking slowly.

“What do you want Donnie?” Your tone is low, tired from the sadness you had been carrying all these days and weeks.

“I just want things to go back to normal” He sighs softly, his brows creased and you chuckle humourlessly. After everything he put you through, after all those horrible moments endured between him and April, after the awkward love triangle, he was fucked in the head if he thought you were going to forgive him so easily.

“What, you think because April doesn’t want to you that I do? Come on Donnie, even you must know better than that” You chuckle but there isn’t a slightest hint of humour in your voice.

“Please I just-” He began but you shook your head, interrupting him

“You just what? You want me to forgive you, after all that I went through? I didn’t take this hit for you Donnie, I took it for your brother” Lie

“And whatever this was between us is gone, you made your choice now live with it. I don’t care” Another lie

“So…. this is it?” His voice wobbled, holding his gaze with yours and in that moment, you had so eagerly wished to embrace him and go back to that no trouble life. Nothing more than to kiss him once again, snuggle in his warmth that you had missed so badly.

But running back to the hands that broke you will not heal you.

“Yes” Such a simple answer, only a word but your tongue felt so heavy. Every atom in your body screamed at you but you switched it off, turning around. You could hear his breath hitch, trying to call put your name but nothing came out.

Your breaths were shaky as you left the kitchen, your eyes burning with unshed tears. You wanted to scream at Donnie until your throat was hoarse, until some sense was knocked into him. But then why did you want to hold him and apologise for hurting him like he hadn’t done you much worse?

“Sorry…” You move out of the way but the stranger holds your wrist gently, making you turn to them. Your heart feels a little lighter when you catch sight of those familiar warm irises.

Raphael,it always was

“How was it?” He asks softly, tilting his head ever so slightly.

“I think we just broke up…” You whisper, taking a deep breath in. You expect him to give you a nudge and give some advice that you’ve most definitely heard on google but to your utter surprise he pulls you in.

“Come ‘ere” Raph holds you ever so gently in his arms, stroking your back while you buried yourself in his chest. It was warm loving, his heartbeat securing you to the present. Right here, right now.

“I’m sorry, I don’t know why-” So many thoughts cross your head, unable to pinpoint an exact one but like the total sweetheart he is, Raph squeezes you a little reassuring hug.

“It’s good, ya good, don’t worry about explainin’” His deep baritone voice melts you like butter, unknowingly sending shivers up your spine. You see in this light all his features, all the different colours in his eyes. His scars, his skin, the different hues of colour he’s got. All of it, so beautiful.

Donnie escaped your heart, images of this terrapin flooded it instead. And you didn’t care, you allowed your body to be filled with the warm love of him. Romantic or platonic, nobody had the faintest sight but it felt so much better than carrying hurt and pain.

You hadn’t even meant for it to go this far, you hadn’t meant for this to all happen. Your head found leaning slightly upwards at him and he met you halfway. One of you was bound to break away surely.

But the next thing you knew, your lips had met his. They were softer than you had ever imagined them to be, one hand gently holding your head while the other was secure on your hip.

Donnie’s kisses were different, they were comforting and loving. They were expected, they were safe.

But the way Raph kissed you was entirely different. Passion, desire, thrill and danger all somehow poured into one small kiss. You feel desire brewing deep within your stomach, bodies pressed flush against each other. His pleasure is evident and you want to succumb to him whole, his calloused fingers tracing small circles on your thigh. You want him to go further, already pushing him close as your fingers dance across his chest-

“Where is Raphael?!”

Somewhere one of his brother call him and that realisation hits you like a ton of bricks. The both of you move swiftly away from each other, gasping at the other. You stare at the turtle in utter shock, a hand on your chest to cool the fire he’s ignited inside of you but that can only be extinguished by him. He looks to you to his hands and back to you, wanting to say something. Hell anything, but you’ve backed away.

“I-I-” “I have to go” You quickly call, practically sprinting out of the exit. You hear your name being called but daren’t look back, the adrenaline pushing forward and forwards until you’re in the public again.

You take gulps and gulps of air but they feel like they never reach your lungs. Your body feels like you’ve ran a marathon, the ghost of Raphael’s lips tingling yours. Gently touching your face where he had touched you, you could feel the familiar prickle of tears fill your eyes

Just what had you done?