#to my mom

End of March, freshmen year

I get off the bus, my eyes are filled with tears

I tell you what my friend did and you drive me back to school, I feel ashamed

I stay home the next day and get x-rayed

I don’t tell you about the previous bruises and threats

You don’t know he’ll become one of my greatest regrets

I’m not sure how I’ll face him, or what I’ll tell my friends

I wonder if I’ll ever feel safe at school again

You know I’m scared, even though I say I’m not

So you have me carry pepper spray, the only protection I got

I see him every day in class and we still have lunch together

I blame myself and wonder what I could’ve done better

You wrap a brace around my chest, the pressure helps with the pain

The blow plays on repeat inside of my brain

You hear me whimper at night in my sleep

I can’t remember ever feeling so weak

One year later, St. Patrick’s Day

I didn’t know that that night my life would change

You watched my face as I got the call

I tried to stand but all I could do was fall

The person said they were an officer and that my best friend was dead

I couldn’t process the thoughts running through my head

Once I realized who it really was, I felt even more sick

I didn’t know he’d play such a cruel trick

When I confronted him at school he just laughed in my face

From then on, just seeing him filled me with rage

We had many altercations throughout the years

Each time my body would shake with anger, but I was no longer ruled by fear

I wanted him to try something again, just so I could finally fight back

I wanted to prove I was not the same person he attacked

He’s a chapter in my story, it’s too late to make changes

But I have better chapters with happier pages