#tony atwood

Blog 1: 19/05/2020

I started therapy on the 23d of July 2019. I was 35 years old at the time, and I had decided to go into therapy for the following reasons:

• I felt permanently exhausted
• I felt like somewhere during my adult years I had slipped into a depression I’d never gotten out of and I wanted to feel happier in life than I did at that time
• executive dysfunction - I still need regular help from my mom to keep my household in order
• I lacked any and all ambition to do anything with my life
• I had begun to suffer from anxiety and sometimes tiny anger outbursts which were occuring more often than before, which was a sign to me something was wrong and only getting worse as I aged. 

I had tried seeing a psychologist when I was 30. It was a man who I disliked so much that after 2 sessions, I ghosted him. I could go into more details, but let’s just say he was not a match for me.

It took me five years before I gathered enough energy and courage to try again. In a way, Tony Atwood helped. I’d stumbled across his videos on Aspergers in women and I’d begun to think that maybe it was Aspergers then. The above symptoms would not be misplaced in a women my age with Asperger - and it was until I got my diagnosis two weeks ago, on the 8th of May, that I was bracing myself for an Asperger diagnosis. 

When it turned out to be Schizoid Personality Disorder, I was like: “I’m a what now?”

But kudos to Tony Atwood’s videos for at least encouraging me to seek help and to approach a possible diagnosis with optimism. Even if it’s not Aspergers, I needed that little push in the back. 

Why did it take from July to May to get a diagnosis?

Something which may be atypical for someone with Aspergers or SPD, is that I am rather open when asked questions, and I can’t give short answers to complex questions. 

The first sessions were about painting a picture of the people in my life - my parents, my sister, her husband, their kid, other important figures in my life like my grandparents, the sort of household I’d grown up in - were my parents constantly fighting (quite the opposite) or did I suffer abuse (no), stuff like that. 

They also asked a lot about friends. Did I have a lot of friends as a kid, was I bullied, who were my friends now, had I kept my friends from when I was younger (definitely not).  

What about my job and hobbies, what jobs had I taken, what education had I had. She wanted to know when I moved out of my parents place (when I was 25), if I’d had many romantic relationships (none longer than about 8 months).  

It took months to get through all that personal information. In sessions of 1 hour (which are sooner sessions of 45 minutes than a full hour) it’s hard to paint the complete picture. Sometimes I went twice a month, sometimes I skipped a month due to the full agenda of my psychologist, but on average I went once a month. 

Then after that, this was already in 2020 I think, we started an autism questionnaire, to determine whether I was on the autism spectrum scale (which seemed likely due to the problems I’d mentioned). The psychologist also invited my mother for one session, where she asked questions about my childhood. 

“Did Jessie have a lot of friends?” 
“Yes, she always had friends over.” 
“Yes, mom, but that’s because you arranged the play dates with the other moms - I didn’t always have a lot to say about it.” 
“I guess that’s true - you did always enjoy playing on your own. One party, a mom told me that all the kids were playing in the garden and you’d gone inside to play alone with some of the toys - not bothering with the other kids.” 
My mom remembered that as being odd. I’m far from surprised by that. 

After the interview with my mother, I also answered a questionaire about other personality disorders. This is where questions were asked to determine if I had, for example, borderline or schizofrenia or bipolar disorder etc. It was to check if any of the disorders on the DSM-5 applied to me. 

And so after about 2-3 sessions of answering those questions, I finally got my diagnosis last session. It was during the last five minutes or so of the session, I was like “and, and, what is it? what have I got?”

I felt numb when she told me what it was - also because I did not understand. I had *never* heard of schizoid personality disorder. And in five minutes, she didn’t have the time to fully explain it to me either. And since I was a little numb from the news, I don’t think I retained the information she gave me as well as I otherwise would have.

She explained that while it’s called a disorder, she is not fond of the word ‘disorder’. She also told me it’s something hermits and loners often are, which made sense to me. She told me that schizoids don’t mind being alone and often prefer it, and once again that struck true. 

I also asked why it wasn’t autism then, to which she briefly replied that in my childhood, I did not seem to have difficulty with learning social behaviors. 

Next session, I will receive more information from her on the schizoid personality disorder, abbreviated as SPD, and possibly we’ll also check on differences with Aspergers, just cause I am terribly curious about that and will ask for it. 

It’s still a week or two until my next session - and in the meanwhile, I’ve looked for more info online. I’ve read the wiki, then continued on other articles online and found a few Facebook groups to join. The more I read about it, the more I’m seeing myself in stories of others. 

I’m no longer numb from the diagnosis - but it did take me a day where I was exhausted, cried a bit, lay in bed, before I was like “okay this ain’t bad at all!” 

I plan to continue this blog to describe things I learn about myself, to report on my “treatment”, to report on schizoids in modern-day society and to shine a light on what it is to be a schizoid woman. 

If you think: “Oh, could I be a schizoid?” - I honestly can’t tell you. Nor are there online internet tests that will give you a conclusive answer to that question. I do recommend seeing a psychologist for that - but it might be harder than ever to get on a waiting list. With the Corona crisis most psychologists have their hands full these days, due to all the mental problems the neurotypicals are going through as a result of the lockdowns. 

If you are a schizoid who lives alone and are now allowed to work fulltime from home for the first time in your life, you might feel like I do: that this lockdown is the best thing that ever happened to you. My anxieties are practically gone, while the anxieties of neurotypicals skyrocket.