#wah wah wah

Ishgard calls for me to come to her defense and aid her warriors in battle.

I cannot be arsed.

It isn’t my war and the homeland made that very clear when they wrenched me from the Wyverns. I was not needed when I was too good to allow the undesirable dredges of the army to die on the battlefield, why am I needed now? Ah, my skill is too great to simply waste away in Gridania, reading tea leaves and working folk medicine.

I have no real chocobo in the race that is the war with Garlemald. I, like many Ishgardians, still remember the stories around the Autumn War - so I was in no hurry to help Ala Mhigo.

Neither city-state has ever done anything but cause me trouble. Why bother?

I spent another night with my former commander who again popped the question and, much like before, I gathered up my clothes and left without giving an answer. It is always Wildwood and non-Elezen that want to commit to me. Always. Without fail.

There are aspects of me and of who we are as a people that non-Duskwight just cannot ever hope to understand, and I suppose I still hold the ancestral disdain toward Wildwood for the things they’ve done to my people. Owning a home in Gridania feels a bit like a slight against those that pushed my ancestors out so many years ago - a bit of a spiritual “fuck you”. I can never see Wildwood as more than an occasional good time.

I cannot possibly care if that makes me a terrible person.

I feel the same for non-Elezen - they are for fun and not a long-term investment. If I were to ever choose to settle down…

Ha, I made a joke.

I suppose this sort of thing is on my mind more as I grow ever-older and my parents, elderly as they are, also continue to age. My brother has asked several times over why oh why I am rather suddenly bothered by the choices I have made and I cannot say for certain. Perhaps it is this idea that I wasted time on wanton pursuits that have left me with little beyond bittersweet memories. Perhaps it is a desire for something more.

Not necessarily the children, but the… permanence? I watch mother and father dance in the ballroom, their faces aglow with the same love they have felt for one another for their entire married life. They would not trade their time together for anything. They adore one another and they will for the rest of their lives.

I would like to find that, too.