#weekend goals

I’ll have him. I’ll have this house. I’ll have his child. Everything that’s yours will be mine!   ➺

…Aaaand there goes my self respect.

I made out with him. It was the sexiest, most out of character thing I have ever done in my entire life. He lifted me onto the desk in his office and kissed me the way every woman deserves to be kissed. And I’m ashamed to admit that we probably would have done much, much more if I wasn’t such a coward.

But let me start over. I need to clarify a couple of things before I tell you guys about what a fucking disaster I am.

On Wednesday, he and I were scrolling through his phone looking at pictures of his dogs when a very beautiful, very naked woman appeared on the screen. He laughed and told me that she was just some model he likes. It didn’t bother me; I believed him, and we ended up having a really nice time together.

Later that afternoon, however, I let it get into my head. So I texted him to ask about her. Again he reassured me that he’d never met the woman, and he teased me for being intimidated by a porn star. But really, who wouldn’t be? I tried to brush off my embarrassment by saying something along the lines of, “Well, I never outright asked you if you’re single, so I just wanted to be sure.”

He paused.

Then he admitted that he’d started talking to his ex again and they’re going out for lunch on Friday. He also insisted that he was going to tell me about it before anything more happened between the two of us.

I replied that I thought he should get back together with her. “There’s obviously some real history there, and you and I just met. I don’t want to get in the way.” He proceeded to make a joke about threesomes and how much this other woman would “like” me, and at that point I kind of lost my temper. I told him in no uncertain terms that he should definitely reconcile with his (ex) girlfriend as she is obviously a much more generous and giving person than I am because I would never consider sharing my boyfriend with another woman like that.

Later that night, he announced that we couldn’t talk/text anymore starting the day that his (ex) girlfriend gets back to town. I was confused and hurt and probably a bit defensive, and he reacted by boasting that he’d taken my advice and it was thanks to my encouragement that the two of them might still have a chance.

I should note, to his credit, that by this point on Wednesday he’d already offered to take me out to dinner three times, and I’d refused them all. (On Saturday, I was too nervous about us being caught by my boss (which is a whole other story). On Tuesday, he had prior obligations until late in the evening, and I couldn’t wait that long. On Wednesday, I was too upset to go out with him.) So yeah, he was more than a little frustrated with me.

Anyway, that brings me up to Thursday.

When we made out. And more.

I know it was wrong. Believe me, I do. But here’s what happened. He greeted me in the lobby that morning, and I snapped at him. I said something about how I was hoping I wouldn’t be forced to see his face today. (It was an awful thing to say. I know, I know. As irritated as I was, he was trying to be sweet by waiting to walk me to my office.) He chuckled and said something about how much he likes feisty girls early in the morning. I don’t remember his exact remark now, but that’s close enough.

Moving on. I felt guilty that I’d been so rude to him. The night before, he’d told me that we could still be acquaintance-y friends, and I’d agreed that we should try. My jab was anything but friendly.

So I went to his office late that afternoon to apologize. He was leaving for the gym and wearing one of those loose sleeveless shirts that showed off his muscular arms and sexy tattoos. I should have taken one look at him and walked the other way. But I didn’t, and one thing led to another. And within minutes I found myself sprawled beneath him on his desk with my legs wrapped around his waist.

Of course, me being me, I panicked when he tried to take it a step further. I shoved him off of me, jumped down from the table, fled out the door and ran straight back to my office. A short while later he texted me and asked me to come over to his place for dinner. (He also told me that I could pack a bag and stay the night if I wanted to. I think he was kidding, but still. *eye roll*) Once again, I refused.

I didn’t see him at all today. I spent the entire morning and most of the afternoon attempting to convince myself that I was fine with how things ended and happy that I didn’t have to interact with him anymore now that his (ex) girlfriend is back in town. I tried everything I could to stop thinking about him, and by four o’clock this afternoon my mind was finally, for the most part, elsewhere.

But then…

He came to my office. I know it was him because we were joking around earlier this week, and he created a special tapping “code” that he claimed he was going to use when he walked by my door and wanted to say hi without my boss knowing about it.

Tap. Tap. Slide. Slide. Tap.

He did it twice, a couple of minutes apart. I pretended not to hear, and by the time I left this afternoon he was already gone.

I’m a mess. :(