#why so accurate
me, age 15: i cant wait to be 20 when i will finally reach my full potential, peak me,
me, on my 20s: i cant wait to die
I’m not sure if this has been done before, and I’m definitely late to the meme (but what’s a few months or years when we’re talking about a 3000-year-old civilisation?). Here’s my take anyway.
Ḫattušili I: you want to fight the founder of the Hittite kingdom? The guy who conquered a good part of Anatolia and Syria? I mean sure, do it, but don’t expect to live to tell the tale. If you’d rather keep your blood inside your body, however, don’t fight Ḫattušili I.
Muršili I: you thought fighting Ḫattušili I was a bad decision? Try fighting his grandson. This kid decided “rebellious teenage phase” meant “destroying Mesopotamia”. He literally walked to Babylon, sacked it, then walked home, all for no other discernible reason than “for the lolz”. Don’t fight Muršili I.
Backstab him instead.Most of the Middle Hittite kings: sure, fight them. It’s not like they have the power to stop you. You’ll probably end up killed by one of their relatives, though. Middle Hittite time is backstabby time.
Telepinu: look into his eyes. Look into his hopeful, idealistic eyes. Do you really want to fight Telepinu? You don’t want to fight Telepinu. Put down your sword and give him a hug instead.
Šuppiluliuma I: you’ve got to be kidding me. No. Don’t fight Šuppiluliuma I. Unfortunately, you probably won’t have a choice, because Šuppiluliuma I will fight you.
Malnigal:honestly, I’m intrigued to see how this one would go. Muršili II clearly considered her a threat, and she may or may not curse you to death, but it would definitely be interesting enough to be worth it. Fight Malnigal, if only to satisfy my historical curiosity.
Muršili II: seriously? He already had to deal with revolts, plague, the deaths of his brothers and wife, a scheming stepmother, and speech problems, and you want to fight him on top of that? He’d definitely take up the challenge (and likely win, too) but why would you do it? Just leave the poor man alone. If anything, send him to therapy.
Gaššulawiya:physically, you could do it, but emotionally? Imagine the toll. Actually, you don’t need to imagine it, because Muršili II told us himself. It’s heartbreaking. Don’t fight Gaššulawiya.
Danuḫepa:do you want to spend the next generation appeasing her angry spirit with offerings? If you do, sure, fight Danuḫepa. If you don’t, I’d suggest not getting on her bad side.
Muwatalli II: this guy is your best bet, in my opinion. I’m not saying he deservesto be fought, but he led one of the most famous battles in ancient history, so if you want your name to be immortalised, he’s the one to swing your sword at.
Ḫattušili III: OMG YES PLEASE FIGHT HIM. I’M BEGGING YOU. PUNCH HIM IN THE THROAT. KNOCK THAT SMUG LOOK OFF HIS FACE. HE DESERVES IT MORE THAN YOU COULD EVER IMAGINE.
Puduḫepa:bahahahaha rest in pieces.
Tudḫaliya IV: pretty much everyone else fought him, so you wouldn’t be alone. But please, wait until he’s done with his religious reform and building programmes. Let him give us those juicy ritual tablets, as well as the carvings at Yazılıkaya. Then fight him. Honestly, you have a fair chance of winning.
Šuppiluliuma II: go for it. End the Hittite kingdom. Burn Ḫattuša to the ground. It’s not Šuppiluliuma II who will stop you.
