#writing helps

“You should be sad. This is a big deal. This is a big change you’re dealing with. This is the end of an important relationships, maybe the most important one you have had. You might fall back into that black hole again. You might go back to throwing yourself into shitty people because you can’t stand being alone.”

Yes, you’re right. You’re very right. What you said is very true.

I feel guilty for not feeling sad. I feel ashamed for feeling… light. I feel like myself again. Positivity and possibility run in my veins. I feel like the sun is shining again and the sky is blue again.

I tried my best. I have no regret. I did everything I could. But letting go, tho difficult, is what I need to do.

It took me a while to realize a relationship doesn’t have to be abusive or full of fights in order to be toxic. And our relationship was toxic. We put ourselves in these boxes thinking it’s what needed to be together. We were compromising. But there’s a difference between compromising to adapt and losing yourself to be a part of something.

Yes, you’re right, I might go back to the crazy version of myself that I used to hate. I might go back to fucking strangers simply because I didn’t want to be alone that night.

But isn’t that how I found love, isn’t that how I found someone who sees through all the walls I built and loves me for who I am with all the good and the bad.

And because of that, because of him, I no longer hate myself, I no longer fear of being alone. Because of him, for the first time in my life, I believe I deserve love.

So no, I’m not afraid of falling back into that black hole again, because I know I’m not that girl anymore.

“If he’s that important to you, why don’t you keep trying?”

Because it’s time to let go. Because we both know it doesn’t work but we thought love was enough, we thought that if we keep trying, things will get better. But we tried, and tried, and tried again.

I care for him, I always will. But when I see him, I don’t feel love anymore. Not the type of love that I should feel. I love him like I love my family, like I love my dearest friends.

We can keep being together, yes. It might be an easier option here, yes. But it’s not the right thing to do. I’m glad we finally gathered enough courage to do the thing we should have done a long time ago.

I’m sorry I don’t feel sad. But maybe I’d felt sad for too long a time. And now happiness blossoms in me like a garden in spring.