#testosterone: week 56 Pronouns: it, he Looking like roadkill after another Berlin Night™ Let&

#testosterone: week 56

Pronouns: it, he

Looking like roadkill after another Berlin Night™

Let’s talk about SEX baby let’s talk about… mostly me

[Seriously if you don’t wanna hear about my boner, skip this one]

I woke up Thursday feeling demoralized after going out two nights in a row & having a flirt that went nowhere. After wanking more times than advisable with a toy that hadn’t been cleaned in longer than I care to admit, I turned to every broke millenial’s therapy stand-in & posted on Facebook.

As with most of my queries these days, straightforward answers were thin on the ground. Nonetheless, I learned a lot.

First, I saw there wasn’t a secret I’d been missing. Testosterone puberty is brutal & a raging sex drive ain’t easy. At 30 I am better equipped for the ordeal than my friends were at 13, having a slightly more developed sense of boundaries, a modicum of communication skills & self-awareness, as well as access to online dating & sex clubs.

Secondly, I surmised from people’s sympathetic responses that perhaps I’ve been hard on myself. I felt so desperate & needy, terrified of pushing people away; but it seems the situation is not so dire as it felt.

Unfortunately the cycle of longing & insecurity is self-perpetuating; I hit on people (too many), am rejected (maybe not outright, but still go home alone) & the feeling of undesirability grows. The next time I flirt with more urgency & fragility, so my chances decrease.

Masculinity is isolating in many ways: people are less likely to check on me, for instance. But feeling like a horny little gremlin certainly plays a role in both making me less approachable & increasing my own feelings of loneliness.

I’ve had a few encounters since, some more satisfying than others. A particularly vigorous visit to a club on Saturday seems to have banged my brain back to a sense of normalcy & I was able to enjoy a drink with a cutie without needing it to go further. Baby steps.

#hrt #transitionjournal #nonbinary #gaytrans #gay #documentingtransition #fucktheCistem #t #HPonT #2ndpuberty #weveHadOneYesButWhatAbout2ndPuberty #TRANSatlantic #transman #transmasc #lgbt #transtrender #t
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