I struggle to reconcile my sadism with my conscience.  I’ve grown up believing that v

I struggle to reconcile my sadism with my conscience. 

I’ve grown up believing that violence isn’t the right thing to do, and that there’s always a way out. That, if there really isn’t any other option, you don’t land the first blow. I’m a really big guy, and all the way through growing up I was told not to use my strength as an advantage, that it would be wrong to take a natural gift like that and abuse it. All those admonishments and reminders sunk in, eventually. 

But I like to inflict pain. I know I do, and that knowledge is something I find hard to sit easily with. I’ve spent a lot of time reflecting on it, trying to find the root of it all so that I know the why, even if I don’t know how to cut that urge and satisfaction out of me in some makeshift figurative surgery. And I’ve pretty much figured it out, at least to the degree where I’m not guilty about it any more.

I like to hurt people who like to be hurt. By dissociating the pain from the intention behind it, I can see it purely as a sensation, and that makes it all much easier to stomach. It’s just a response that your nerve endings fire off signals because of, signals that rush up your spine, blast into your brain and release a pulse of endorphins. It makes sense for you to enjoy it. It makes sense for me, then, to enjoy giving you that pleasure, even if it is a few steps removed from the direct.

I understand the catharsis of pain. I find the infliction of it cathartic, too, and even when it’s not physical, and instead the words that slap and sting, the actions I do, or I force you to do, that cut into you and create that response, it’s still just that; a set of sensations and physical, visceral responses that you can enjoy. It doesn’t mean that I mean what I say or do, that I have anger or callous violence behind any of my actions. There’s nothing but care and love in my hand when I lay it on you, even if it does leave a sting. 

Even with all that, there’s a fear in the back of my mind that I’ll go too far. That I’ll like it a little bit too much, and get to a place that I can’t come back from. We’re playing with fire all the time, and it’s a wonder we don’t all go up in flames. It’s only through careful introspection and reflection that we can keep them in check, make sure they stay on the bonfire and off our clothes.