#a lot of fuck word

Progress on Max: hair, contacts, everyday glasses

TW below. Do not read if you are not comfortable.

I am still trying to survive depression. I fucking hate how I feel. And it got worse. I don’t know what triggered it this time. I just feel like I have just unresolved issues in my life. I feel stupid, a waste of time for others, a waste of space and resources. I only feel mental pain and I’m unable to escape. I keep thinking, what’s the point? What’s the point of me being here? I feel trapped by my own life. I want to quit university because just the thought of restarting in october brings me anxiety, I feel like I will not be able to finish it neither this year. I don’t feel part of that world anymore. And I can’t find a fucking job, cause they fucking ask for experience even if in the ads they say “no experience required”. And I fucking know I’m fucking able to do at least the desk job if they fucking teach me. At my first job experience I was already actively working after 8 hours of just watching someone do their job, and for other people they waited more than a week before they started being active, and they had a fucking vademecum. I fucking know I’m quick to learn basic and medium tasks, but apparently no one fucking cares cause they prefer experienced people. How the fuck am I going to make experience. I just feel a fucking failure. And to join a double course of 3 years that’s thankfully in my city and it’s what about I really care it’s 6k€. And I mostly have them saved up with my last and only job, but if I put another year of university too it’s fucking tragic. And at this point I don’t know if it’s fucking right to continue it to have a fucking piece of paper at my “”old”” age, or just give up and feel like I’ve mostly lost ten years of my life. Cause I swear, “”friends”” of my parents treat me like a fucking “alien” cause “oh but she has always been so gooood in school, it’s a pity that’s having difficult with university, she could have had a good job, traveled the world, maybe find something groundbreaking. we had high hopes for her future”, and my parents feel fucking bad cause they have a stupid depressed introvert suicidal too grown up “kid” who still lives with them, while they have always been admired for having a smart child. I’m just a fucking failure. And I keep feeling trapped in my life, I’ve been feeling trapped for fifteen years. I’m almost 30, I am depressed, socially anxious, apparently stupid, still living with my parents, can’t find a fucking job, blocked for ten years in a three years university degree due to a fucking exam, and all I fucking do is try to survive day by day and I feel like I don’t even have the right to complain because at the moment I have a roof on the head and food on the table. Oh and not to mention my 15 years long eating disorders from anorexia, to binge eating, to compulsive eating. And the bullying during my childhood. I just feel like a broken thing that can’t be repaired with nothing good left.