nosebleedclub:

1. Experimentation
2. Neighbor
3. How long does it last
4. Cottage
5. Old growth

i. experimentation

take a scalpel to my veins / with clinical precision / clinical fascination / how deep must i sink to dig it all out / how deep does it rest / lurking / writhing / roots sunk into my heart / lungs / how deep are the gouges left by its claws / step by step hollow the channels / pause and assess / if the vein is gone then will it leave too / if the core is hollow will it wither too

ii. neighbor

The thing that used to live in my veins lives in my home now. It goes to bed beside me, pours itself coffee as I settle at the counter, reads a book while I finish my work. The relief I once harbored, having expelled the writhing mass from my veins, dissipated long ago. Though I expelled the mass it still writhes. It resents me for taking from it its home to build one of my own. So it writhes, and it eats my cereal, and it reminds me again and again and again and again and again that I will never be rid of it. 

iii. how long does it last

too long / i’ve already forgotten it / forgiven it / forever / a moment, a moment, a moment 

iv. cottage

There are nights where the only way I can sleep is cradled in its limbs, its heaviness draped over me with all the surety of a weighted blanket. These are the nights where the inhabitants of my being give up on tending to me: let the fire burn itself to ash; let cobwebs hang in curtains from the rafters; let fragment after derelict fragment crumble as the rot eats its way out. Let this faltering edifice collapse under its own weight, offering its decaying bones as the last vestiges of safe harbor to an ecosystem that turned its back. To surrender is a familiar comfort, though a small one. To surrender is all I’ve ever known. 

v. old growth

tell me a story / there are none to tell / tell me a memory / you know them all / tell me the truth / i don’t make a habit of telling truths / tell me the truth / you would fare better commanding the sky to kneel at your feet / tell me the truth / there was never another outcome there was never a reality prepared for you alone there was only you daring to spread your wings and me clipping the feathers because flight isn’t for people as broken as you whose bones are too brittle to hollow out whose vertigo would knock you out of the sky whose feeble cries would garner you pity in place of the respect you seek you who is too naive to know your own limitations and me who wants only to keep you safe / tell me the truth / there’s no such thing as a happy ending / then tell me a lie / there’s no such thing as a happy ending

mh rant imma delete later. dont read it its just boring bs. idk my dude i just need to have it written down somewhere for a minute

i want so badly to do well and have a proper life here but i just cant. its like theres something wrong in my brain. i cant stop destroying myself. i cant stop the procrastination and ed and depression from creeping back in and i dont know why. im so tired please cant i just be ok cant i just be normal its so hard to keep trying and get nowhere. its all just so exhausting. all my friends here have real serious problems and all my friends back home just remind me of my disordered and depressed last years of high school. i just want to be okay. i cant ask for help i cant go home or ill just be back under strict rules and im so tired please gods im so tired im so sick of this bullshit

      “I’m fine Cas.” Alex sighed, shaking his head. All of his thoughts were fuzzy and his hands were shaking, but he was fine. It wasn’t a big deal, this wasn’t the first time he’d collapsed out of nowhere. It’d a little over a year ago. It really scared him back then, but now… now it felt sort of normal. Alex let Cas lead him back into the library, glad to find a quiet space in the world as they sat down, the other handing him a water bottle. “Thanks.” He wondered if Casper was serious when he offered to listen to him if he needed to talk, but at the same time, he didn’t have much to say. “I’m not taking very good care of myself, am I?” Alex asked, taking slow sips. He wasn’t really interested in the water and it showed.

      Alex wasn’t avoiding food, he didn’t have any issue with it! He just wasn’t hungry anymore. He was tired. But if he could push himself a little farther, was that really such a bad thing? Cutting was a disaster, this was the only show of strength he really had. The boy sighed, making short circles over the bottle with his finger. He knew. Showing ribs, the cold, drops in blood pressure- It was getting harder and harder to cut. It was driving him insane. No matter how deep he tired to go, they bled like dull, shallow cuts. Seeping lifelessly. It killed him inside! He was too weak to ruin himself properly! He was too weak to do anything!

      If he was serious about this, if he was for real, he wouldn’t have been on the floor begging for attention! He would have been able to go a little deeper! “I don’t know.” This wasn’t going well. He was finished talking. There wasn’t anything left to say. It was all just… there. “Thanks for the water.” Alex said, downing the bottle and walking away.

      He threw up the water over a trashcan less than five minutes later, the ringing in his ears getting so loud it wouldn’t have mattered if Casper was talking or not. Alex sighed. He didn’t feel good… He was so tired.

bpd-bbyg:

bakrua:

being mentally ill + suicidal at a young age (before 18) is. strange, because you grow up with this idea that one day you’ll finally snap, turn off, be brave enough to kill yourself, so you don’t really plan for the future. adulthood- further life, it isn’t for you, nor do you feel included within the future of it. it isn’t.. it isn’t part of your life plan.

and then before you know it you’re 18 and you’re an adult but you never thought you’d get this far and sure it’s great that you’re still alive you guess but also. you feel so alone + lost in a world you never expected or planned to be a part of.

have any of ya’ll tried the anti depressant paxil? or other anti dep brands? if so can you plz tell me your experience with them. i am switching from wellbutrin to paxil.

tw: depression, ableism, cancer, anxiety, ADD

before i ask my question to ppl with ADD. if parts of this story and/or questions are triggering for you i apologize in advance. i am neurotypical and so is my mother so we’re not pretending to know what it’s like to have ADD or be neurodivergent. we are willing to learn though

here it goes: my mother works in a kindergarten. she is 60 years old, a breast cancer survivor, and has a history of depression and anxiety attacks.

a couple of months ago a 24 yo woman (let’s call her Emma) started working at the kindergarten. my mom soon sensed there was “something about her” she noticed Emma was easily distracted, had to take breaks every 10 minutes, has difficulty bonding/playing with the children, and gets nervous at the thought of working the later shifts where she has to close (they never close alone. there’s always a minimum of two ppl closing).

this results in my mom having to carry a heavier work load than she can handle which is making her very anxious and tired.

my mom is not Emma’s boss, they are equal coworkers so my mom asked Emma personally what best ways are on how to divide the workload btwn them and what Emma needs to do her work that feels good to her and be comfortable and still works for my mom too. Emma told my mom she has ADD, but no solution came out of it.

my mom then asked if their supervisor could attend a meeting just the three of them to figure some things out, but still no solution.

my questions to my mutuals or readers with ADD:

• do you have any tips for my mom on how to help Emma, and by doing that helping herself?
• what are things coworkers did that made it easier for you to adapt to new situations?
• what is something you wished every supervisor knew/did where you worked to accommodate your needs?
• what if my mom and Emma come up with some sort of understanding and solution but after a while one of them starts slipping. what is the best way to call each other out and stay on the right path?

im grateful for any tips. I’m upset with their supervisor for not being able to come up with something and afraid on what her lack of empathy & action might cause on the long term for both Emma and my mom.

Death and I haven’t spoken in a few years. Last I saw him, he was peering at me over my friends grandmothers shoulders the week before she passed. It’s here with me, she’d said sadly, and I smiled weakly because I knew it.

Now he sits near my own grandmother. She’s frail and the doctors aren’t making any promises. The rest of my family won’t look him in the eye. I greet him like an old friend.

“You look tired,” he says, and I nod.

“That’s because I am tired.” He gives me that sly smile.

“In a lot of different ways it seems.”

I want to roll my eyes, but he’s right. My soul hasn’t felt this heavy since I was 16. I sit next to my mawmaw as she sleeps.

“You’re not as afraid of me as you once were,” he says suddenly.

I shrug. “A lot’s changed I guess.”

“Has it? From the looks of it my dear, you’re a little worse for wear.”

I’m angry now. I wanna scream that he’s wrong, that I’m healed and I’ve aged like fine wine. But I look at my rib cage poking out and the dark circles under my eyes and I know he’s right.

“I’ll be seeing you.” He leaves in a hush. I look at my grandmother and realize with a familiar sting that I don’t know if he was talking about her or me.

honey don’t feed it, it will come back // hnl 2019

absurdthirst:

Rating:Explicit

Word Count:7.6k

Warnings:Post pregnancy, angst, body image issues, breastfeeding, postpartum depression, mentions of cheating, miscommunication, lactation kink, oral sex (female receiving), vaginal sex

Comments:You are three months out from having your daughter Lily with your boyfriend Marcus Pike. He’s been secretive and there have been messages you’ve seen with his gorgeous - non post baby body - coworker. You think he’s cheating and Marcus is focused on making your Mother’s Day a day you always remember. 

A/N:Postpartum depression and post baby body issues are a very valid thing. Motherhood is wonderful but it can take a toll on the mental health and physicality of those that bring life into the world. 

Co-written with @storiesofthefandomlovers

ClickKeep Reading only if you have read the Rating and Warnings and understand the warnings may not be complete to avoid listing spoilers. As AO3 says ’creator chooses not to use warnings’. You also agree that you’re the right age to be consuming anything here.

Your entire world feels like it’s crumbling. Eyes watering as you look down at the baby, sleeping peacefully in her bassinet like there is nothing wrong. Even though everything was going to change when her father decides that he’s done trying to hide the relationship that he is obviously having with her. Of course he would want her. You are fat, covered in stretch marks, your boobs leak, you can’t even remember if you showered yesterday and most damning of all, he hasn’t touched you since Lily’s birth. “I’m so sorry.” You whisper to your daughter, regretting not being enough to keep him home, never wanting a broken home like you had been raised in. You had thought that Marcus Pike had felt the same way, but the way the text messages are flying, obviously not. 

Marcus is nervous. Today is the day. He double checks he has everything on the tray. “Pancakes. Check. Bacon. Check. Eggs. Check. Mimosa. Check. Coffee. Check. Syrup. Check. Butt- butter. Shit. Butter.” He says, rushing to get some butter from the fridge. He cuts it up and places it in the pancakes. He adjusts the flower in the thin vase and he grins as he carries the tray into the bedroom, frowning when he sees you crying. “Baby? What - what’s wrong?” He asks, his happiness deflating at seeing you so upset.

Keep reading

is it normal to feel extremely fucking tired in your early 20’s? i feel like i’m twice as old after everything i’ve been through. i’m supposed to graduate and get a job soon and yet i can’t even think a week ahead. i think about how depressed i was at 16 but the one thought that kept me going was that my twenties will surely turn out better. i’m still waiting for the day i’ll tell my younger self that things turn out better. i think that my happiest years were when i was eleven.

When my suicidal ideation coincides with a relapse of my eating disorder

At least my dragon cares

Please excuse this rant, it’s been bottled up for a while….

It’s been a rough 24 hours…

My aunt’s got Covid

I’m being ignored by my best friend and my husband (which doesn’t make my anxiety feel good)

(I’m about to sound so selfish and IDGAF) my needs aren’t being met or the goals I thought my husband and I had set aren’t being met…

I’m tired, I haven’t slept in so long

………

I feel like Ezilion is the only one who cares which is saying something since y'all know how his attitude and general self is. I’ve been in my thoughts all morning being mad and depressed and he nudged me to light an incense and a tea light for him. Which I obliged.

The flame of his tea light is small and calm and I feel a warmth and it only makes me want to cry more, it’s almost like he’s wrapped his wings around me. My heart rate has slowed down from it’s panic and I feel a slow warmth. Again my anxiety tells me it’s a fever and I’ve got Covid…. Ezilion kind of flicks those thoughts away with his tail…. Hades had been on edge and almost yelling at me because I haven’t been taking care of myself because of my depression. Which of course only makes me feel like complete and utter shit….

I’m just at a loss…

I haven’t been able to travel because I can’t get in the ‘right’ mind set. I can feel Hades and Ezilion but feeling and seeing are of course 2 different things….

How I’m feeling makes me feel like I’m not good at my craft… Or I’m not strong enough to walk down the paths Hades wants me to…

It honestly sucks.

did-he-just-hiss-at-me:

so… when you think about it… logan’s the brain. what else is correlated with the brain? mental disorders, such as depression and adhd. so when it comes to aus, portraying logan with depression and/or adhd isn’t straying too far from his character at all. (and honestly, i’ve seen lots of logan moments in the series that makes me, someone with depression and adhd, go “oh snap dat me”.) in conclusion, if you headcanon logan with depression or adhd or any mental disorder of any kind in your aus, you are very valid, and i shall continue to keep using these kinds of headcanons for logan too. thank you for coming to my ted talk

CHOI JUN WOONG IS SO CUTEEEEEEE MY HEART

Rowoon did so well in this drama!! Proud fantasy

Tomorrow is on Netflix and I’d recommend everyone to watch it at least once in your life if you are battling depression due to any reason.

I realized…

It doesn’t matter if I fade away.

It doesn’t matter if I run my health down to the ground.

It doesn’t matter if something ill happens to me.

There’s always going to be someone who will replace me in the end.

Burn off the obsolete model and replace it with something way better.

audreystyles2:

If I had the power, I could have wished that I never existed.

jupiterssaddestalien:

I don’t wanna get out of bed. I don’t wanna eat. I don’t wanna go to work. I don’t want to go anywhere. I just wanna fall asleep and never wake up.

I will add something:

… and wake up in hell, suffer forever. A punishment deserving for disgusting old me.

causeimfiftyshadesoffuckedup:

I have just come to the conclusion that no matter how hard I try, it just isn’t enough.

I am not enough.

Life ain’t worth living unless one is perfect.

That is why all must seek perfection because life ain’t worth shit unless you are consistent flawless in all areas.

You know… Instead of being quiet and passive-aggressive.

If y’all think my art stinks or outright sucks, go ahead. Tell me right in the face. Say that I fail, I stink. Whatever comes out of my two damned hands is an eyesore to people so that’s why it gets ignored.

Instead of me having to self-reblog what I create. How about say it in advance that I AM HORRIBLE AT DRAWING SO THAT I WON’T HAVE TO CURSE YOUR FUCKING EYES WITH WHATEVER TRASH I MAKE.

I’d rather take the brunt of all these negative statements than faked compliments and passive-aggressiveness. GO FUCKING AHEAD. SAY IT IN MY FACE. SAY THAT I FUCKING SUCK.

Ugh, I hate my life.

Me? A good artist? Hahaha, what a fucking lie.

I think even a five year old can outclass me

I give up…

even if you started your journey of recovery and went through a time of better mental health, you are not broken for feeling not so great again. you are never meant to feel perfect all the time.

some people naturally struggle with excess anxiety or feelings of depression, and they may need help to tone it down and smooth the ups and downs of their life. but negative feelings in moderation are simply human, and you did not fail, you did not mess up, for feeling them again. all that it means is you are human.

however, if what you feel seems extreme and constant, it might be wise to seek help again, and that’s okay! there are periods of life where one solution works, but then maybe later it doesn’t work anymore and a new one is in store. trust yourself, because you know how you feel and you know yourself, and you can figure out what you need to feel better. take your time and be careful with your heart❤️

tw: depression

hello! just a lil update, if you’re interested.

i’ll be honest with y’all. the main reason i’ve been on hiatus for this long is because depression is kicking my ass. it’s just so hard to function and do my job so i can pay bills, let alone write fic. but! i feel like i’m finally rounding the corner. i’m getting lots of help and working hard on moving past this.

today was actually my birthday! this year has been tough, but i made it, and i’m allowing myself a moment to be proud about that. life is HARD. with or without mental illness. and the fact that you’ve made it this far? hell yeah. give yourself some credit. you’re stronger than you think. don’t forget that.

i hope everyone has been doing alright. i know i say this all the time, but please remember that i’m always here for anyone who needs to talk.

have a wonderful night. i’ll talk soon!

this world isn’t built for people like me

why does everything hurt so much?

nothing is worth the suffering i’ve been through

why even bother when things aren’t gonna get better?

i can’t deal with this pain anymore

i’m tired of waiting for things to get better when it’s not going to happen. i’m tired of waiting for a future i don’t even want.

The words “I’ve been to hell and back.” don’t work for me. Because I’m still fucking there.

I’m tired of suffering.

i’m drowning in the darkness