Loquatius Seelie really thinks he’s mid-second act of your standard romcom and meanwhile every other person at this table is experiencing or enacting horrors beyond fathoming, and I love him for it.
“You’ve been Pavlov-ing me,” the supervillain said, accusatory and offended and a little bit proud. “You’re only nice to me when I’m not killing people.”
“That’s also in line with, you know, basic morality, but sure we’ll stick with the psychology if it makes you feel better.”
The supervillain took away the knife they were holding up against the sniffling hostage’s neck.
“No! This is ridiculous. Last week you were smiling and nice and oh so happy to see me. But now, look at this!”
They indicated the superhero’s frown. The superhero rolled their eyes.
“Seriously, you’re blaming me? I guess I don’t have feelings then. I guess it’s always my fault that you’re constantly taking hostages.”
The villain threw down their knife and put a hand on their hip.
“Why are you always making me the bad guy?” They shouted.
“Because you are!” The hero responded.
The villain scoffed incredulously.
“What about Barcelona?”
“Don’t bring up Barcelona.” The hero said in a quiet, dangerous voice.
The villain whipped their head around to the hostage. “What’s your name?”
“Uh…C…Christine.” The hostage stuttered.
“Well,Christine, let’s say you agree with someone to meet in Barcelona. You have someone there you want to kill, so you think it will be convenient for it to coincide with a certain superhero’s trip.”
“I said-” The hero began.
“And so, you plan it together. Make a time and a place. But then, when you show up at the target’s doorstep, said hero is nowhere to be found. You wait for hours. You go back to your hotel room. You call the hero. No answer. No answer for four days.”
“My sister tripped, okay? She fractured her tailbone and needed someone to drive her to the hospital.” The superhero responded.
“Tell me, Christine, does it take four days to drive someone to the hospital?”
“Uh, not r-”
“No, you tell me Christine,” the hero interrupted. “Is it excusable to forget to call someone while your sister is injured, and you have to take care of her because your Dad is in a home and her friends are some of the dumbest people you’ve ever met?”
“There you are, going on about your sister again.” The villain mumbled.
The superhero heard. “What?”
“Maybe,” the supervillain chimed. “Your sister’s friends are dumb because she’s not that smart either. Maybe she always thinks you’re going to save her, so she isn’t careful. Maybe most adults who live alone don’t trip on roller skates they leave next to the stairs.”
“It’s a very common occurrence.” The hero said.
“I don’t think so.” Christine responded.
The supervillain smiled. “Even the person I kidnapped agreed with me.”
Christine nodded. “And I’m scared for my life.”
“Seriously, pick a side, Christine.” The hero snapped.
“Stop being mean to Christine.”
The hero snorted. “Oh, I’m sorry, but I think the last time I checked you were going to kill her.”
“I’m not killing her now. She’s cool.” The villain high-fived Christine.
“Seriously? You are impossible!” The hero turned to Christine. “You can save yourself. I’m leaving.”
“They’re always like this. So dramatic.” The villain whispered to Christine.
“I heard that!” The hero shouted behind them.
In a flurry of a cape and an angry huff, they were gone.
