#addies

I just hate my life. I hate that i work 40 hour weeks for $400 paychecks and i cant live the life i want and every time i fuck up its a phenomenal fuck up and it hurts the people i love and i can’t do anything right and i just want the people I love to love me back just as much and yes im talking to you i want you to treat me like an equal not like someone that you need to serve you and i need something real and something passionate and beautiful and i need happiness and i need closure with my old life and a way to welcome my new life without problems or compilations and i need someone to hold me at night when im wide awake and i dont know whether i should take a handful of pills or take just enough to get me to sleep and i dont know how to do this whole adult thing and i am so scared that everything i do is leading ultimately to failure and ugh

And so much time to do it since sleep is a foreign object to me lately. The night time is when I do all my thinking, my missing and my wanting. I think about you and your tendency to fuck my head up whenever we have a conversation. I don’t even think you realize you’re doing it, but you sure do it. I think about how when my little sister gets her heart broken for the first time I won’t be there to console her and tell her that the world isn’t actually ending, that it’s the end of a world maybe, but life will go on and there’s so much life to be lived. I think about how I want to go out and explore and see the world and go to school and make music and money and love so much love. I don’t know what’s keeping me here in Wisconsin, it’s cold here and it’s always beautiful but it’s also unforgiving and I think it’s sick of me. I want to create things that touch lives and minds and souls and I want to be happy without trying and I want to dance in the rain like I used to with Lauren and I want to drive around at 4 am and get lost looking for donuts with a boy and I want to get drunk and sing out loud in front of everyone. I wish I blogged more. I wish I wrote more music. I’m gonna start working out more. I do hope that I can figure out what I’m doing soon.