aerialklove:

Finding A Home Within Yourself: An Adoptee Perspective

I found this quote that says:

it is when I stopped searching for home within others

and lifted the foundations of my home within myself

i found that there were no roots more intimate

than those between mind and body

that has decided to be whole

~ Rupi Kaur

I think I have finally recovered from my situation dealing with both my older sisters. The grief of losing my sisterly relationship with them has subsided. We don’t talk like we use to… in the sense of how much we talk and how we talk to each other and even though I miss that deeply…I had to let it go.

So I thought to myself “What now?”

I was taking medication for nine months to help cope with anxiety and waves of depression. I was doing well as far as not having panic attacks or worrying too much about things I couldn’t control. I even went to visit my birth mother by myself and felt emotionally safe enough to do that. She was very comforting and I felt like I just really needed to hear her voice.

I have been dealing deeply with myself since May. Self care has not really been a priority for me. I have been living off of basically cereal and cool blue gatorade…ripping and running back and forth to work and trying to make time..literally for my boyfriend( I don’t really like using the word boyfriend).

Right now the home within myself is junked up with depressive stuff. I can barely make it to work on time because I don’t want to leave my bed. Sometimes I start crying for no apparent reasons. I find myself coming up with excuses not to hang with friends or with my boyfriend because I just don’t want to. I am “on break” with my therapist which is mandatory. I stopped taking my meds because I felt like I was becoming emotionally numb. I felt like I was externally expressing my emotions in situations that called for emotions. A few days ago I had a bad panic attack at work and I think I have to start the meds again. I stopped taking them because I thought I was ok. Maybe not.

But here is the game changer:

I know I am about to root down and find my home. When a seed takes root it has to break open. That breaking is what I am experiencing right now and it is painful. There is uncertainty of what this is going to look like but friends I deserve to be the flower for once in my life. Does anyone watch A Million Little Things? Maggie told Rome who is dealing with depression that he gets to be the flower.

I am grateful to have a community of people and you all who love and support me. It will get better friends.

Peace & Love

A