aerialklove:

Finding A Home Within Yourself: An Adoptee Perspective

I found this quote that says:

it is when I stopped searching for home within others

and lifted the foundations of my home within myself

i found that there were no roots more intimate

than those between mind and body

that has decided to be whole

~ Rupi Kaur

I think I have finally recovered from my situation dealing with both my older sisters. The grief of losing my sisterly relationship with them has subsided. We don’t talk like we use to… in the sense of how much we talk and how we talk to each other and even though I miss that deeply…I had to let it go.

So I thought to myself “What now?”

I was taking medication for nine months to help cope with anxiety and waves of depression. I was doing well as far as not having panic attacks or worrying too much about things I couldn’t control. I even went to visit my birth mother by myself and felt emotionally safe enough to do that. She was very comforting and I felt like I just really needed to hear her voice.

I have been dealing deeply with myself since May. Self care has not really been a priority for me. I have been living off of basically cereal and cool blue gatorade…ripping and running back and forth to work and trying to make time..literally for my boyfriend( I don’t really like using the word boyfriend).

Right now the home within myself is junked up with depressive stuff. I can barely make it to work on time because I don’t want to leave my bed. Sometimes I start crying for no apparent reasons. I find myself coming up with excuses not to hang with friends or with my boyfriend because I just don’t want to. I am “on break” with my therapist which is mandatory. I stopped taking my meds because I felt like I was becoming emotionally numb. I felt like I was externally expressing my emotions in situations that called for emotions. A few days ago I had a bad panic attack at work and I think I have to start the meds again. I stopped taking them because I thought I was ok. Maybe not.

But here is the game changer:

I know I am about to root down and find my home. When a seed takes root it has to break open. That breaking is what I am experiencing right now and it is painful. There is uncertainty of what this is going to look like but friends I deserve to be the flower for once in my life. Does anyone watch A Million Little Things? Maggie told Rome who is dealing with depression that he gets to be the flower.

I am grateful to have a community of people and you all who love and support me. It will get better friends.

Peace & Love

A

An Adoptee Honestly Answers Questions about Adoption

Since I came out publicly about being a late discovery adoptee I’ve had a lotttt of questions about my views on adoption and have had plenty of adoptive parents email me personally about certain things. I am pretty open about this subject and thought it would be easier putting a single post together to answer the top questions. If you have more you would like me to address please comment or email…

View On WordPress

So you want to adopt…read this first! Four Things an Adoptee Wants Adoptive Parents to Know

Adoption can be seen as a beautiful thing for everyone involved, but what is often overlooked is what is important to the adoptee. We often are told to be thankful for the opportunity to have a family, but our feelings for our birth family don’t just disappear in our new home.

If you have adopted a child or plan to adopt, please consider the following points…

1. 1. Tell the truth.We deserve to know…

View On WordPress

5 Steps to Cutting People Out

I’m only twenty-five and I’ve definitely cut out at least as many in my lifetime.

And guess what?

I’m proud of it, and the best part is that my therapist approves!

There is so much toxic energy in this world, that I honestly don’t need.

via GIPHY

It started in high school. I was bullied, called a slut, and my “friends” often were talking behind my back. In college, the same thing. So, I simply…

View On WordPress

5 Best Resources For Adoptive Parents and Adoptees

The adoption world is often inundated by articles, videos, and resources by adoptive parents. If you really want some insight and support on adoption look towards the other parts of the adoption triad- adoptees and birth mothers. Their voices are often overlooked and simply seen as unimportant or negative because they often don’t fit the cookie cutter mold that makes it easy for adoptive parents…

View On WordPress

Honoring Birth Culture- Helping Your Adopted Child Connect to their Biological Roots

I was asked a few weeks ago to create a post discussing how adoptive families can incorporate a child’s birth culture into their daily life, in the comments of my other blog post discussing how I was perceived as an ‘ungrateful’ adoptee.

I’m glad that a lot of you seem to understand that I am speaking out to help advocate for children and others who don’t have a platform to do so. So many…

View On WordPress

An ‘Ungrateful’ Adoptee’s Thoughts About Adoption

Today I was accused of being an ungrateful adoptee.

Yes, me. A twenty-six-year-old late discovery adoptee because I speak out publicly on social media about all sides of adoption. Well, I’ll be honest. Mostly I talk about how adoption isn’t always rainbows and butterflies.

Now, before you come at me with your pitchforks lets all take a collective deep breath. No, I’m Not Anti- Adoption, But I…

View On WordPress

Why is Being A Transracial Adoptee Confusing?

If you haven’t heard, I was on NPR’s Code Switch this past week. I talked about my experience as a transracial adoptee on their episode, Our Homeland Is Each Other,r and I figured this was the perfect opportunity to talk about my experience. For anyone considering a transracial adoption I want you to take a deeper look into some of my experiences.

For those of you that don’t know, I discovered…

View On WordPress

There were no flowers left. No card to display. There was no breakfast in bed. No celebration. There were no words said. Instead, the children went on with their day - laughed & played amongst those who raised them. But, the one they wanted most never made it home to greet them..

June 16, 2015

This past weekend the world took to social media to dissect the events surrounding Rachel Dolezal, the former president of Spokane’s NAACP chapter who came under heavy scrutiny for falsely representing herself as black. As part of this real-time discussion, the term transracial is being co-opted to describe Dolezal identifying as black despite being born white.

As members of the adoption community — particularly those of us who identify as transracial adoptees — we are deeply alarmed by the gross mischaracterization of this term. We find the misuse of “transracial,” describing the phenomenon of a white woman assuming perceived markers of “blackness” in order to pass as “black,” to be erroneous, ahistorical, and dangerous.

Transracial is a term that has long since been defined as the adoption of a child that is of a different race than the adoptive parents. The term most often refers to children of color adopted by white families in the Global North, and has been extensively examined and documented for more than 50 years by academics and members of the adoption triad: adoptees, birth parents, and adoptive parents.

Dolezal and others have perpetuated the false notion that a person can simply choose to identify as a different race or ethnicity. As extensive evidence-based research and first-person narratives have shown, we do not live in a so-called “post-racial society.” Damaging forces like racism make it virtually impossible for those with black or brown bodies to simply “put on” or “take off” race in the same or similar manner that Dolezal has employed. For transracial adoptees, navigating and negotiating the racism in our families, schools, and communities is a regular and compulsory part of our lives.

We also join others who have raised concerns about the misappropriation of the word “trans,” and the analogy made between Dolezal’s deception and the experiences of transgender people. For transgender people who have struggled to live their truths in the face of horrific violence and discrimination, we reject this flawed comparison and find it to be irresponsible and offensive.

Read full article here.

@justasingaporegirlasked:

Hi, I’m the one who sent in the question about a 20th century Chinese adoptee a while back! Thank you for answering my question, but I think you misinterpreted my meaning. I apologise for being unclear. What I meant was that her white family truly sees beyond race and so they treat her as one of their own. It is society that frowns upon their relationship and sees her as inferior. So even though she’s never been made to feel ‘unworthy’ in her own family—different, perhaps, but not inferior—society still attacks her and her family and she’s rejected her own culture to be more ‘white’ in a futile attempt to fit in. How can I write a character living in a white society, who acts very much like a white person, and yet remind the readers that she is not a white girl and never can be? Perhaps more importantly, how can I show her being ashamed of her ethnicity without suggesting to the reader that being POC is not something to be proud of?

Original ask: Chinese girl adoptee in 20th century, family with white supremacist views, & a racist person who “changes their attitude” towards Chinese people

—

Your clarification indicates that you still need to do more research on Sino-Anglo race relations for the early 20th century. Furthermore, with respect to your last sentence: writing a heroine that is ashamed of her ethnicity already implies that being PoC is not something to be proud of. 

–mod Jess 

“her white family truly sees beyond race” I doubt that. They are not “truly seeing beyond race” - they are choosing to ignore it. Additionally, the family does not live in a vacuum away from society’s attacks. This clarification doesn’t change our answers.

- SK

“Her white family truly sees beyond race.” There’s this misconception that transracial adoptions by white people see “beyond race” or that they’re not racist by default when this is not true. There are many ways transracial adoption by white people can go wrong including ignoring the adoptee’s race and being oblivious to denying adoptees their culture.

Even without a family ignoring her race, why are people so interested in making self-hating poc? What we need more than ever are poc with pride in their identity.

- Mod Sci

I think Jess, SK and Sci were quite clear in their initial response. Once again: a family that does not make an effort to allow an adopted child to keep in touch with their roots is not treating them well. It is quite the angst ridden plot, but not, I think, an example of compassionate parenting. Even if her family were treating her compassionately, there’s no way she wouldn’t one day realize “Oh hey, I look different from my parents, and it affects how people treat me.” Having a number of friends who are transracial adoptees as well as knowing a large number of mixed race children who do not resemble their parents (including myself), I can assure you: children figure these things out very quickly. 

Racism: Temporal and Regional Variations 

Your idea of a Chinese adoptee ridiculed and shamed for being Chinese by European counterparts doesn’t really jive with the political circumstances of the period.

Keep in mind that current racial dynamics (Particularly modern-day American racial dynamics) would be different from what they would have been over 100 years ago. This is not to say racism didn’t exist, but rather that a person’s income (inherited or earned) and trade (manual labor versus industrialist versus landlord) were also significant predictors of how they would be treated. 

Thus, you would have to think about your character’s adoptive family. 

• What is their social status? 
• How did she come to be adopted? 
• Who are the kind of Europeans who would be in the position and have the motivation to adopt a Chinese girl at the turn of the century? 

Theirsocial status would impact not only on how the whole family is treated, but her in particular. A wealthy, upper-class family with business and social ties is not likely to be poorly treated by much of society relative to a poor family. However, given that many adoptions during this period were either for the purpose of inheritance or using the child for free labor, does it make sense for a poor European family who treats their adoptive daughter well to adopt a child they are not likely related to? 

Narratives of Shame for Outsider POC

However, what bothers me most about both versions of your ask is this:

“ […] how can I show her being ashamed of her ethnicity without suggesting to the reader that being POC is not something to be proud of?” 

I don’t think you can. I think a POC character whose entire storyline is one of exclusion and shame because they are POC is plainly conveying to the audience that being POC is a shameful thing. I hope you are open to considering some changes to this plot, because there are some very interesting ways this story could go if you allowed your protagonist to embrace their heritage and gave them corresponding life experiences. To that effect, I have 4 suggestions:

1. Give her strong role models to connect her to her heritage: 

As we know, many port cities in E Asia and SE Asia during this period would have had English-language missionary schools and universities. If her family is wealthy, it would not be unusual for them to send her to a missionary school (if they are based out of Asia) or hire a missionary-school educated, Chinese governess. Missionary schools were seen as advantageous educational opportunities in many parts of Asia. Child education was also a respectable career for an educated, independent woman in the early 1900s. If you go this route, be sure to give her educators characterization and roles beyond just nurturing her.

2. Rather than virulent, more violent forms of racism, consider racism that is more subtle and insidious

A frothing bigot in the street can easily become caricature, but a close friend or family member who betrays their bias shows how pervasive racism and xenophobia poison our relationships with each other. Imagine the difference between a storekeeper who snubs her versus a friend who casually reveals a previously unknown prejudice. Which scenario produces more tension?

3. Show her as being invested in her homeland, and give her allies who support this.

In my opinion, this is just good practice. If you want to mine that sweet, sweet outsider POC angst, do your audience a favor and balance the story with the good things in her life. More importantly, given that her family is not rooted in her homeland culture, her characterization can show more growth over time by having aspects of her life and identity (motivations, friends, past-times) that extend beyond her family.

4. Have her be embraced by other Chinese people rather than constantly trying to fit in with white people who will never accept her.

In addition to countering bummer vibes, this is more historically accurate. Many upper-class and upper middle-class groups throughout colonized Asia recognized that the only way to have some measure of control when dealing with colonizers was to develop the necessary Western linguistic and cultural fluency to be permitted in the same room as white men. Women from these backgrounds, in particular, seized the educational and career opportunities emerging as a result of greater access to schooling and diplomatic circles in conjunction with increased support for feminism in labor movements. A short time on Wikipedia will reveal many prominent Asian women in the early 20th century with exposure to both their home culture and the West. Thus, even in Europe, your character would have no shortage of contemporaries who would empathize with her situation and also recognize her value as a potential ally in countering sinophobia and colonization. 

- Marika.

actuallyadopted:

https://linktr.ee/iammondaymusic

I rejected the culture that runs in my veins

And said all was from nurture, because nature brings pain

Incredible song recommended to me by @melodynox!

Genuinely made me cry ;-; I resonated so much with resenting my culture growing up, and struggling with the guilt of not knowing my own culture.

This song was written by an international adoptee, about her experiences growing up in a white British household. This is her first ever single, and I look forward to listening to more of her content if/when she shares more!

nox-ghostie:

❤️❤️

Hi there,

My amazing, beautiful girlfriend just released her 1st ever single and I’m so proud of her!!!!

It’s called GROWING UP and it’s about her experience and feelings growing up as a international adoptee in a white British household. I would really appreciate it if you could give it a listen❤️

Links to YouTube, Apple, Amazon Music ⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️⬇️

@iammondaymusic

❤️❤️