#affectioms
I hate to be that person, but it honestly does get better, and I’m not fucking around with anyone. I’m done seeing all this negativity and hopelessness circulating around filling everyone with doubt.
it’s coming up on the time when just last year I was entirely consumed by anorexia, going multiple days on end having consumed nothing but coffee, and shoving my hands deep into my pockets so people couldn’t see how violently they were shaking. it’s coming up on the time when just last year I was so consistently suicidal that I was hospitalized twice within the span of two months, spending every waking moment certain that it would be my last day on earth. it’s coming up on the time when just last year I watched myself slowly drift away from my friends and family, distancing myself from everyone I loved like a dog that knows it’s going to die.
and I get it. I do. if you had told me during that time that things would get better, I would’ve laughed in your face. the notion of getting better didn’t exist in my world. my life had been going steadily downhill for years. I only knew about getting worse.
but after two hospitalizations, one five-month stay in an eating disorder treatment clinic, countless medication changes, and a hell of a lot of fighting, I’m still here to write this today. and if there’s any one thing I’d want someone struggling to know, if there’s any idea or figment of hope I could offer to people in need, it’s that it does indeed get better.
I don’t care if you’re sick of hearing it. I don’t care if you think the people telling it to you are insincere, or haven’t struggled enough to really know. there is no possible way that after all you’ve been through, after all you’re going through, and after all you have yet to go through, it won’t get better at some point. you have hurt, you are hurting, and you are going to hurt. but that doesn’t mean it stays this way forever.
so if you’re going to take it from anyone, please take it from me. because it’s not over for me yet, either. I still struggle to put food in my body. I still spend some nights praying I won’t wake up in the morning. I still have to fight to keep my relationships intact. but it’s a hell of a lot better than it was, and there’s no doubt in my mind that I’m not damned to be this way for the rest of my life.
don’t let the negativity of those who are blinded by their sorrow fool you. and don’t let your own sorrow fool yourself. the fact that you’re alive proves the fact that you are strong, and you are going to make it out of this alive no matter what’s thrown at you. it does get better. there’s no way around that.
