#extrasad
the castle on the hill crumbled for good this time and it’s not my fault
no matter how much you tell yourself it is
nothing is ever invincible, not even us
no matter how much we convinced ourselves nothing could ever break us
no matter how many times we rebuilt what we’d lost just to watch it come crashing back down
sometimes i visit the lake we use to go to when one of us sad or when we wanted an excuse to smoke our lungs black or drown our livers in the alcohol we weren’t old enough to buy yet
i think about all the things we left behind and how a tiny piece of me would give anything to have it back
but darling we have taken this too far to bounce back this time
the castle on the hill came crashing down
and i refuse to go tumbling down with it.
you knew too well how to wear girls down
you’d already had too much practice
so by the time i met you
breaking me was an act you could perform effortlessly
we will be remembered, as we should
the whole of this god forsaken town already knows the story of us
people i’ve never seen before in my life still say your name when they find out mine
does it kill you knowing that they know everything?
because i cannot live with the whispers behind my back anymore
how do you like everyone knowing our secrets? our broken promises? everything we ever whispered behind closed doors when we thought no one could hear us?
did you know it would end like this?
maybe we both knew we’d go up in flames from the start
maybe we chose to ignore it
maybe we both deserve all of this
i am in love with you and i have been in love with you since i was thirteen years old. three summers have passed and the people we are now would be unrecognisable to the kids we were then but the one thing that hasn’t changed is the love i have for you. through everything, it hasn’t faded one bit.
i am in love with you. and it doesn’t matter that you don’t love me back anymore because i think that loving you saved me. when dirty hands were touching me, you’re voice was in my head telling me “no”, telling me “that boy is in love with your body and not with you, this isn’t what real love looks like”
i am in love with you and i have loved you through everything and that is okay. it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay.
Tell me how I’m suppose to move on when you find your way into everything I do
How am I suppose to forget your face when I see your eyes every time I shut mine?
They say with time things get easier and you move on, but you’re still haunting me
Everything you did still haunts me
it was wrong
all of it
the biggest mistake of your life was more mistakes than you can count all merged into one
innocence turned to guilt in two weeks
and guilt turned to a god damn hurricane after a month
thirty days later and you can’t figure out how you could mistake all the red warnings for pretty lights
how you could see the road so clear when there were car crashes left, right and centre
you try to place the blame somewhere where it looks like it fits but you know where it truly should be
the blame belongs here
the blame always belonged here
the poems aren’t about him anymore
but they might as well be
because the only reason i let you close enough to touch me
is because the words you speak may as well be coming out of his mouth
i am not the one to blame for this mess
when he was the one who left me so blinded that i could only fall back into the arms of boys that would only ever drop me in the end
falling into boys who only treat me as a body
boys who treat me like he did
i’ll search for anyone that reminds me of the way he left
and i’ll tear myself apart for it afterwards
but its all i know
he is all i know
thank you for the clarification that you don’t hate me, you just don’t particularly want to know me anymore
and i can understand why you hate my friends, but maybe if you hadn’t have done what you did they wouldn’t scream at you in the streets
and yes, i am mentally ill, you guessed correctly
our last conversation wasn’t how i imagined it but it was enough for me to want to let go
it was bad enough for me to delete you
so i guess this is goodbye for good
until the next time the alcohol takes over my blood
because deleting your number means nothing when it’s memorised like the back of my hand
Dear me 6 months ago,
Right now you’re drunk, or maybe you’re sobering up by now. Either way, today was the last day you will spend in this world pure. you will never be as innocent as you are today ever again. embrace it. please.
tomorrow morning you will wake up as one person and go to sleep as another. the choice you will make tomorrow will completely change the way you are. it will change you as a person. 6 months later and you will still be picking up the pieces. 6 months later and the blood will no longer be on his bedsheets, but on your own.
tomorrow you will give everything you have to the blonde boy you want so desperately to want you. you already know all too much about his reputation but at the moment you’re convinced you can change him if only you give him the biggest piece of yourself you have to offer. you can’t. that boy is a taker. he will take everything you have and he will leave you empty. from that moment on you will be his but he won’t care as long as he’s got another girl to mess around with.
right now i know you’re not scared but you should be. you should be fucking petrified. you’re not expecting it to hurt and at first it won’t. but tomorrow night you are going to go home and fall asleep in tears of regret. tomorrow night you are going to be crawling at your skin in attempts to undo what you’ve done
dear me 6 months ago,
it’s too late for me now but it’s not too late for you. turn around and walk away. i am begging you. don’t go to his house and don’t give away everything you have to a boy who has never known how to hold on to anything. that boy is going to kill you and i’m scared for you. i’m so fucking scared for you.
when i saw you that night
when i stumbled round the corner with my friends and a bottle of vodka
i wanted to cry
i wanted to cry until you felt bad enough to try and save me
but i guess my body got bored of crying over you
my brain got tired of missing you
so i walked straight past
and when my friends screamed at you and you screamed at me i wanted to cry
but i couldn’t
when you told me to go home for a while i thought that maybe you still cared a little bit
but when i realised that you just wanted me gone i swear i wanted to cry
when i saw you that night it hurt
it hurt like a knife but it didn’t matter anymore
or maybe it did matter
but it didn’t matter enough for tears anymore
and maybe that’s a start
i like to think that the reason you didn’t let me come back everytime i came running was because you didn’t want to put me through that pain again,
and not because you’re fucking her now,
not because you’ve found someone else to fill the heart shaped hole in your chest so you don’t need me around to do it anymore,
something in me likes to think that somewhere in you there is a boy who regrets the hurt he’s caused and the scars he’s made and not just a boy who wears girls down until they’re just skin and bone and then heartlessly wanders off to the next.
If there was ever any hope the devil snatched it away
If there was ever a chance of forgiveness for any of this I turned it down when I ran back into your arms
If there was ever a way to get away I would have found it by now
But there’s not an escape, there’s no hope and neither of us can be forgiven for any of this
So love ends and I cry and my mother tells me that maybe in a years time you might have learnt to love me back
But in a years time I won’t be as pure as I once was and you’ll be racing to catch up
In a years time you’ll have learned your place and kissed too many girls, whilst I’m fucking a boy that always tells me he’s in love with my body, but never in love with me
In a years time I’ll be in therapy, finally getting better, but in a years time you won’t be as willing to wait around for me to heal
In a years time I’ll start believing in God and you would have lost your connection with him
Because in a years time you’ll be a new person and so will I but we’ll both still be two lost teenagers finding themselves and trying to make it as more than “just friends”
So it’s me, you and the bottle of vodka hidden in my sock drawer,
It’s me drinking too much and crying
It’s you tracing the scars on my wrist and telling me it’s in the past
You you you
It’s you hiding the vodka so I can’t drink anymore
You deleting everything off my phone that you know it kills me to look at
You pulling me into your lap and wrapping me up into the safety of your arms
Your heart beating into my cheek, faster and faster
You, reading my favourite book to me
Me, falling in love with every word that leaves your lips
It’s you caring too much for someone that you shouldn’t care for
It’s us, the most un friendly “just friends” that this world has ever known
You are always everywhere and everything always seems to remind me of you like next doors cat or the smell of sweat
Or somehow whenever my eyes go that certain shade of green in the light I want to cry
There are certain things that only you and I will ever understand like the blue bandana or the shower plan or the movie plan that never became anything more than just plans
And I guess I should be thankful that we still have secrets left to tell because you already told all your friends everything you promised you wouldn’t
But I guess your promises meant nothing because you only ever made two and broke them both
Love is magical
I still believe that
Even after everything
But I also believe that love can turn to heartbreak in a matter of moments
And heartbreak is anything but magical
Heartbreak is dreaming about him every single night for 3 weeks
To the point where sometimes you wake up unaware of what happened in the dream but somehow you still know it was about him
Heartbreak is talking to his best friend hoping that he’s spoken about you
Heartbreak is the pain you feel when you discover he has spoken about you, but none of it good
Heartbreak is drinking too much so that in the morning you can blame the 3 missed calls and 14 messages on the alcohol that was pulsing through your veins
Heartbreak is pure fucking pain
But I also believe that heartbreak eventually leads to healing
And the healing is the part that makes all the heartbreak fade away
Healing is learning to sleep in your own bed, even though when you roll over you can still catch his scent
Healing is starting to love your body for yourself and not just because use to tell you he loved it when you were taking off your clothes for him
Healing is opening up to your mother, it’s letting her hug and take care of you like she did when you were a child
Healing is playing outside in the garden with your brother and laughing until you can’t breathe
Healing is genuinely laughing until everything else is irrelevant, it is not the fake laughter you became so use to
Healing is skipping the sad songs
Healing is dying your hair white because you wanted to and you are finally doing things for yourself
Healing is rebuilding yourself bit by bit until suddenly the last puzzle piece slots into place and you are not the person you use to be
Healing makes everything okay again
i guess this is why they call it a ‘break up’ because everything inside me feels like it’s shattering to pieces.
i’m laying on his bed;
but all i can think about is the tiny bit
of wallpaper that is scraping off
in the corner by your bedroom door.
he’s cradling my fingers;
but all i can think about is the time
we were talking about the universe and
you absent-mindedly started
tracing stars on my hand.
he’s nuzzling my neck;
but all i can think about is the beautiful mark
you left on my collarbone after we got drunk
at 3am and snuck onto your neighbour’s roof.
he’s caressing my cheek;
but all i can think about is the cold touch
of your fingers that night and
i knew that you had slipped into the darkness
again
and my thighs weren’t warm enough for you.
he’s kissing my lips;
but all i can think about is the curve on your upper lip
and the time we made out for hours
and how you left a horrible taste in my mouth afterwards
because you had gone through two packs of marlboro that day
and how i stayed
even though you gave me every reason to leave
and now i can’t be in bed with a beautiful boy
who likes the way i speak
because all i can think about
is how chapped you left me,
just like your lips.
It was an awakening of the rudest sort, realising that in the end, the only person that you have is yourself. I’d been hearing this phrase all of my life but never put much stock into it until I was sitting on the kitchen tiles of my empty house in a pool of my own blood. You have family. You have friends. Until you don’t. And it’s just you.
h.w