you shouldn’t have said that, is what you kept telling yourself as you walked back inside the restaurant, with your tail between your legs and the rather heavy trail of food you were carrying with you.
what had gotten over you?
your boss had scolded you once too many times for you to learn your lesson already. not everyone needed to hear your opinions, or whatever you thought needed to be said. but you couldn’t help it, not when you had seen him reach into the pocket of his jacket yet again to open a brand new pack of cigarettes.
you weren’t gonna say anything, at least, that’s what you decided when you realized he’d taken the last cigarette of the pack. you had watched him consume his forth since he’d arrived there, and although your tongue was irking, wishing to go out there and tell him to stop, when you noticed that he’d thrown the pack away, you relaxed.
but he’d taken a brand new pack, and he was about to light yet another cigarette when you walked out there, and stubbornly said, “sir, i don’t think you should smoke another.”
your breath hitched, stuck inside your throat, when the men looked up and you were now fairly aware of the rather large scar that sat on his eyebrow, reaching down his cheek. he looked at you, glancing as if you had interrupted quite an important moment he was sharing by himself, and you shook, because of his eyes, because of his scary face, the grin, and because of the cold.
he chuckled, roughly, and you weren’t sure if he’d done it because he found the situation funny, or because he’d found you funny. you weren’t sure if you wanted to find out, and so, after spurting out the words that your coworkers had begged you not to, you ran off like a scaredy cat, inside the restaurant.
a few hours—exactly two—had passed since the incident. past two, a thursday night, the place wasn’t crowded, and fast enough, the diner began to empty out. you watched as a few people left the restaurant, and soon, you found yourself hurrying to clean every table surface, knowing that in an hour — at four, another batch of people would arrive. those who had to work early in the morning, yet cherished the greasy sweets and bitter coffee the place offered.
you were sure the place was empty, you knew it always was, that’s why you had decided to take a step out for a moment, hoping to catch a little bit of fresh air, free of the grease and heavy smell of eggs inside.
you sat on the stairs, small steps that directed to the entrance of the diner, when, in the corner of your eye, a dark silhouette loomed close, far too close. you leaped, almost tripping down the stairs when you realized who the person was, but he’d been faster, and with two considerably big hands, he got a hold of you on the upper stair, palms pressed on either side of your hips. your skirt — a thin cloth in black pressed to your body, suddenly felt too thin, as the warmth, burning temperature of the man penetrated your skin.
your hands fell to his wrist, hoping he’d see that, in fact, you were secured on the floor again. but he didn’t budge, and his eyes — those dark eyes weren’t staring at yours anymore.
he cleared his throat, as if you were the one staring down his chest. “hey.”
you wavered, and nodding your head, you decided to give the stranger a shy smile.
he laughed, yet again.
“i just hope you know i threw the cigarette away once you scolded me,” he muttered, as if the two of you were trying to keep a secret.
his scent hit you — unsurprisingly, the man had a pretty confusing combination of cigarettes and…vanilla?
“i shouldn’t have said that, sir,” you chuckled, nervously. “i didn’t mean it.”
his grip, like iron on your body, started to cool down. no longer you felt that warmth you had first felt, instead, it’s almost like, all along, his fingers were freezing cold. you felt it, the coldness of his grasp rising from your hips to your chest, and then, to your mouth. your chest rose, and so did his. you looked down, and then up again.
finally, he looked at you.
“you wouldn’t have said that if you didn’t mean it, right?” he chuckled yet again, and you were unsure where the conversation was headed to. “but if you did, maybe, it was because you had a better solution in mind?”
your eyes, despite the begging of your head to turn around, stilled over his, holding his gaze like two cats waiting to jump towards the other. or maybe, like a rabbit waiting for the best moment to run off — that was more correct. his hands were still there, despite the shaking, and the step you took back, one that was instantly followed by his.
“i need to go back inside,” you lied, shamelessly, though he didn’t need to know that.
“would you get me something before that?”
you frowned, but waited for his request, whatever it was.
he didn’t ask, though. instead, claiming it as his, he leaned in, trapping your lips in his, with a rather harsh tug of his teeth on your bottom lip. you whimpered, his arm wrapping around your waist, keeping you in place, as his mouth devoured yours as if the two of you were a couple kissing under the rain.
your hands fell over his shoulders, tingling fingers as you pressed your nails on his shoulder, hoping he would pull away. you did not need your boss to see you messing around outside, and you did not need a stranger to kiss you right in front of the diner.
but there was something about the touch of his fingers falling from your back, closer and closer to your rear. that, until his palm fell flat on it, getting a hold strong enough to make you jump, pressing your body — if possibly — closer to his. all you could hear was the sloppy sounds you and him were making, as he arched you further and further, pressed to his chest, and hips mindlessly rubbing against his. the man was far taller than you, but two steps up, you reached his level. and the man took advantage of that, as he pressed your ass to his front, massaging your body as if the two of you were anywhere else but in front of the diner.
“sir,” you managed to blurt out between the breaths he’d managed to take, panting against your mouth. “sir, i really need to go back.”
he nodded, pressing his forehead to yours. “i’ll wait for you.”
maybe speaking your mind hadn’t been such a bad idea, you thought as you were splayed over this man’s lap inside his dodge challenger, with windows completely tinted pitch black, and his hands all over your body. not many words were needed, not when his mouth spoke for itself, with light, faint kisses all over your neck, and the harsh tugging of his hands on your hips, as if begging you to do anything — anything you could do.
he had taken a mint, and that had made you laugh when you kissed him upon reaching his ride. as if the man had taken on the hint — you didn’t like cigarettes.
and as you laid on his chest, panting impossibly hard despite the air entering every single one of the windows of the car, the man told you his name, and swore he would try to quit cigarettes.
there are always two versions for each story. just as the sun spreads its light, the latent darkness that remains hidden, later takes over everything around. what is defined as right, and what is known as wrong. the desperate crying and the constant laughter. good people and the ones that want see you fall to pieces. death and life
whether it was day or night, april or december, in those times of youth that now seem abandoned and marked forever with the traces of tires from multiple motorcycles and cigarette leftovers, they used to fight over everything
every aspect. every joke. every bet
they knew each other since they were infants, after all. always running around, chasing the one after the another
among their inseparable gang, shinichiro always challenged takeomi. and intentionally or not, he always won
from the most insignificant thing with the cheekiest and childish purpose, to the most serious matters about the future of their crescent gang his nature was like that, showing his affection to others in that particular way he could only manage to achieve, carefree, charismatic and noble
-what’s so important about winning?- the older sano used to inquire his partner as if it were nothing, looking into his eyes, sideways. akashi’s teeth twisted inside his mouth every single time. shinichiro spoke serenely, but to takeomi was a direct scream into his ear, buzzing, deafening. impending defeat. why things always have to be like this?
on one side, akashi was used to make himself look disinterested to his friend antics. the best at hiding his emotions, the best liar, the best at pretending. but deep down inside his guts, in the remotest part of his self, the growing feelings of resentment that took over him, only strengthened with time, wishing to be the winning voice, even if it was just for once
while on the other, resided shinichiro. that even when he shamefully lost in a fight, he owned the victory. when he was silent in an argument, he still had the reason, the upper hand above everyone. all of this unbeknownst to him, actually
heads or tails?
sano was the head after all, the leader, the great, the admirable. takeomi just watched all this happen from afar, second in command. in reality, it never bothered him that much since that was his place from the beginning, he was well aware of it
but he was also a greedy man, money and success ruined him, and he was never good at making decisions. that’s why he kept behind, always behind
he was weak, and he knew it
except that, if there was one thing takeomi longed to be the first to, other than winning stupid games against one of his comrates or some cash in a dangerous entrust. it was to be owner of your desire
exactly,that
it’s always been him and the guys, his crew against tokyo. but with shinichiro, it came you. and you may not be part of the world they both shared, but you were certainly equal in importance. you were always near, shinichiro’s love since middle school, his forever girl and the only thing he ever talked about. the four of them could rely on you anytime, you were just another member
a loving soul that added an undescribable warmth to takeomi’s monotonous life, and you weren’t even his
maybethatwas the problem
he doesn’t exactly know when did it all start. sure, since the first moment he saw you, he could tell how alluring you were. shinichiro really scored, a nice smile, a delightful personality, a lovely pair of eyes, pretty hair, pretty body. he was speechless, that you were with a guy like sano? wakasa and benkei weren’t doing any better
not only that, quite dangerous feelings started to terrorize his mind at night, in the intimacy of his bed, with the moon as his only witness, while he soflty chanted your name before dawn, the forbidden prayers of a hidden sinner
those were the kind of things he started to seriously get worried about
it started innocent, it started subtle
from small gestures, like the blooming tingles he felt creeping in the tip of his fingers whenever he walked near you, and you both accidentaly grazed your hands. it meant nothing to you, but it surely did to him
to the serious issues that got harder him to ignore, to supress
like that one day, when it finally snapped it was pouring, and you were waiting for shinichiro outside of his newly opened store with a small umbrella as your shield, to bring him dinner, since he was staying late to finish the order of a client. but much to your misfortune, he was gone. probably running off to the store to get something he forgot. defeated, on your way home, you found akashi walking under the rain, drenching in his clothes, probably heading to s. s. motors too and when the two of you encountered each other, you decided to keep walking to part ways, not minding the already sopping clothes. both were casually talking with the water falling over yourselves in the middle of some street, when you saw how his hands were trembling, it was obvious, he was not around his usual cloud of smoke because of the weather and he was probably feeling a bit anxious. you were still using your umbrella, so you offered it entirely to him. now completely ruining your clothes in the process. he didn’t even react -what the hell are you doing?- he wasn’t expecting that at all, he is used to be the one who offers himself to others, in many ways more than just getting wet in the rain. he was already soaked, so it was no use -it’s been probably a while since you lighted a cigarette with this rain, so go on. i’ll hold it for you, sorry for not bringing a larger umbrella so we could both fit- and you grinned, inocently
it was such a naive thing, that’s just how you were. an effortlessly beautiful person. for an insignificant moment, you placed him before you, and you stood on the rain, the bento on you bag all wet, so he could smoke and calm himself for a few minutes before arriving home
a rather innecesary and weird thing to do, yes. nonetheless, it spoke a lot about how you were, caring and considerate. that’s why you were with shinichiro, and not him. there was no way he could possibly deserve you
then one night, he passed
and suddenly, on one grey afternoon you had to say goodbye to what remained of shinichiro in this world, and you were numb. you remember akashi waking you up, but you didn’t move. shin was not next to you in bed, how cold. you saw takeomi’s lips move, but you were not able to hear him. you stared at the corner, where some of shinichiro’s things stood, quiet and lonely. he undressed and prepared you to go out, what day was today? where was he taking you?
it was sano’s household, everyone were black dressed, and they all stared at you, faces full of sorrow
takeomi sat you down on the floor next to some people you couldn’t recognize, and when you finally lifted your head, you saw a picture of your boyfriend greeting you at the front, with that charming smile of his, all types of flowers, everywhere, and a small box in the middle with a black ribbon adorning it. please no, this is not real, please no
you shivered and left akashi’s side, slowly. he called you, but it was useless
wakasa and benkei noticed from the distance, standing against the door of the room, until both started walking towards you, something was odd
-sh-shin?- you leaned closer, and caressed the box the same way you were used to touch his cheek in the mornings, when you slept together. he was always warm. and now, it was all just lifeless, cold wood -there is no way he can fit in there. it must be hard to breathe. it’s just a tiny box, he is not there. benkei, where is him? is he really there? take him out, he can’t breathe! akashi! please, please help him, it must be difficult to be in there alone. please! someone!- the three of them were now next to you, trying to calm you down, keeping the most quietly possible. you were shouting, crying, whispering, all at the same time. it was real
he was gone
-take her out, she is going to scare the kids- benkei looked at takeomi, while he held you close to his chest. you were sobbing and babbling incoherences
-shh, it’s okay, pretty. we are here, everything will be fine, he is fine- wakasa stroked you hair gently, he then looked around, searching for the younger ones
-please help him, please- you couldn’t keep your eyes open and you started to feel how the air in your lungs left your body, everything went dark
-y/n! y/n! she is fainting- takeomi held you tightly and grabbed your face, seeing how you grew unconscious with every passing second
-then hurry the fuck up! she needs air, take her out! i’ll go with mikey and emma, they don’t need to worry over this- wakasa mentioned, and left the three of you. benkei followed him soonly after
akashi went to the backyard, there were no people and it all seemed full of gloom. he sat down, leaning on one of the walls to hold you between his arms. your lips parted slightly and you began to breathe normally again
how did this even happen? why him?
his eyes were on you, watching you gain your composture again. you blinked very subtly, and one of your hands weakly got up to fondle his neck, tenderly
you were the most sacred thing to him in his small infamous world. where he was the god of war and you ruled by his side
he wanted you more than all that for which he cried at night after going to sleep, when he was a kid, and he lost a fight. all those foolish dreams couldn’t compare to you
beautiful, kind
he got near to your lips, and he stared at them in a trance, he wanted it
he wanted itbadly
so he finally did it
the light touch of his lips rested on yours, and he tasted the victory that he has longed for, all these years
the victory that has never belonged to him
he moved away and you looked at him directly, with your eyelids half closed, to then whisper
-shin?-
no
no, it wasn’t him. he was no one in particular
-i love you-
no
those weren’t words for him, he knew it. you were hallucinating, rambling in the middle of the bliss within your unconsciousness. you didn’t love him. his heart was yours entirely, but your soul and whole being belonged to shinichiro sano, your forever foolish lover
and in this fleeting moment, you saw himin takeomi. it was all a fantasy, a brief and painful one. the last moment you would share with shin now that he is gone, and only the shadow of him remains, a greedy man who will never have your desire
but he was satisfied
he couldn’t ask for more
in that instant, he had what he most wanted, and even if it was a lie, he would live in it forever
-i love you too-
and he meant it. every breath, every blink of his eyes, every caress to your wet cheeks. he meant it all
he was giving himself into you
he loved you, more than what he could understand
but it was not right
-what the fuck do you think you are doing, huh?-
trapped in his illusion, ears deaf to the footsteps coming his way. benkei took him by the collar of his shirt and made him drop you abruptly, he didn’t expect it. air leaving his lungs when he impacted the wall, it hurt him
-answer me you bitch, this is not time for your bullshit- benkei’s gaze had an unbridled anger, the same one he uses in fights to terrorize his opponents, only that this time, it was totally raw and authentic, he couldn’t feel any other way, he was disgusted
-how did you dare to take advantage of her in such a state?-
-i’m sorry-
slap
-oh your sorry? for her? for me?- he was looking for the answer in his eyes, almost harassing him. akashi couldn’t lift his stare from your weak figure on the floor -or for you? and how miserable you are? huh?-
slap
-you are lucky i was the one who saw you, wakasa would have already fucking smashed your pathetic skull-
-i’m in love with her, benkei. and it’s not something new-
slap
his cheeks were bleeding, skin split open. but he said it, it was unbearable, just a matter of time
he has never said it out loud, to anyone. he shouldn’t, but it was done now
-i don’t give a fuck. she was shinichiro’s woman, that he isn’t around anymore doesn’t give you the right nor the permission to go and try stupid delusional bullshit like this. learn to live with it- benkei’s voice faltered for a second at the mention of his friend, in sour realization. those were words they would have to get used to, unfortunately
a dry and emotionless laugh emanated from takeomi
-and what do you think i’ve trying to do all this fucking time, huh?-
benkei remained silent for 34 seconds, to be exact, both only staring at each other. guilt, sorrow and misery mingled together to form a thick aura between them, dull as cigarette smoke and distressing as betrayal
-well try harder. she is not yours, she will never be. so get your shit together-
-death did them apart- he stood in silence, realizing what he just said. he didn’t really mean it, his poisonous heart was clouding his mind out of pure despair. he could already feel the loneliness creeping through his veins, and he couldn’t stand it
benkei just barked a laugh, pathetic as always, he could only think
-but i’m sure they will be together again someday, motherfucker. so stay away from her until then-
benkei picked you up from the floor and took care of your delicate state himself, while takeomi just watched you walk away from him, once again
even after shinichiro’s death, he kept himself in the dark. second in command. he never changed, he could still hear hisorders in his mind, vividly. he was not enough to be a leader, he was not enough for anything at all
and his feelings never changed, either
he would be there for you, always. hoping that one day you may look at him the same way you used to look at sano
nothingreally changed
shinichiro and takeomi were the two sides of the same torn coin, plated in the same way
heads or tails?
takeomi akashi stayed as the tore copper coin on the back of your pocket
he remained there, silent
he remained there, alone
forever missing his other half
and waiting for you, to give it a use in your grieving slot machine heart, someday
