#alektxt

My brain really does not want me to sleep. I keep running through lists of all the stuff I am excited to do and finish. 

But if I want to have a full active day, I can’t just stay awake or I’ll be brain dead. 

Let’s shoot for a nap. See how that goes. 

Sigh. 

Okay, maybe I should try this sleep thing again before I’m up too late… Ugh. (All I want to do is laundry, cleaning, writing, letter writing…)

And I have a bunch of vulture culture stuff I need to do but it’s gotta be done during the day when the sun is shining for added protection against rabies (not that I think the rabies virus is still alive in anything because I’ve dowsed things in bleach and it’s been a couple months but… still, always take proper precautions with PPE, etc)

Man, I don’t know what is up with my medication but this week, I’ve just been exhausted. You’d think I worked ten 20-hour shifts in a row or something with how much I’ve been sleeping. 

And it’s odd because my moods have been incredibly even. The creativity isn’t gone. The energy isn’t gone. I’ve just been super chill and nonchalant. 

I even feel chill and nonchalant now, which is great. I actually really love feeling this way. I’ve had mild moments of irritation and annoyance and just needing to “step away” but nothing that was, like… totally detrimental. Yes, I’ve been feeling the pain of the news… and have had to just step away from it, which, I understand is a privilege I have, of course.

But I’ve just been so bloody tired. I am yawning all the time. I must have slept lie 18 hours yesterday - not all the way through, definitely with moments of waking up to pet the cats, use the loo, etc. And I am just not sure why this is happening. 

I’m on lie Day 15 of an anti-depressant and yes, it made very tired during the first week, but last week was really good? I was going to bed early and getting up early and getting stuff done. This week I have accomplished almost nothing except some minor writing and some laundry. And it’s not for the lack of wanting to get stuff done. 

I’m just always yawning to the point of eyes watering and I can easily just crawl into bed and go to sleep. It’s been very weird. I’ll have to bring it up with my doctor during next week’s appointment. I love the mood because I’ve been so even keel even with things that would normally upset me more. And I don’t feel suicidal anymore. And I feel pretty good about myself but I dunno if that’s because of last year’s declaration of self love or if the meds have anything to do with that. I evaluate myself pretty harshly and analyse my actions and words all the time but it’s not bogging me down as much as it used to and I consider that a good thing. 

Ah well…

Also, despite still not having full use of my voice (it’s very husky/scratchy so I sound almost sick even though some people have said I sound sexy LMAO), I don’t have food poisoning from the Jif (I threw it out anyway) and I don’t have Covid (I did a test yesterday). 

So, idk what’s wrong. Other things seem to be improving. I’m just exhausted all the time and it’s weird. 

I want to watch The Time Traveler’s Wife (HBO) but the reviews seem to say it’s not that good. But I can’t tell if that’s because people lack nuance and can’t understand that some media is intentionally supposed to make you uncomfortable without recourse or explanation…and just because it does make you feel that way doesn’t mean it actually problematic… or if the writing and acting are actually that bad. 

“I can’t support an author who made Adam and Ronan racist to Henry for no reason.”

It wasn’t for no reason. And I think you need to learn to differentiate between microaggressions and like… the KKK. We’re all unlearning microaggressions. Every single person on the planet. Ronan and Adam are being dickheads. Because they’re dickheads from a southern town with a likely large conservative population, which is probably vastly majority white, and they’re (sometimes? oftentimes?) stupid, careless, thoughtless teenagers who don’t always understand what they’re saying. 

“The books are problematic because they have racist themes.”

Darling, do you know what a theme is? It’s a reoccurring idea that exists in a single piece of work, or series of works, usually done intentionally with the purpose of discussing the creator’s thoughts/experiences about said idea. These books don’t have racist themes. They have small incidents of microaggressive racism. They are not themes. They are not something the author is discussing or sharing her opinions on. They are the thoughtless comments of people who lived in a very narrow world. 

“Henry is a racist caricature because he’s the only on-page PoC character, his mother is described like a Tiger Mom, and his family has connections to the magical mafia.”

Firstly, Henry is one of the least racist PoC characters to be added so late to a series in the name of diversity… like… ever. First of all, it was a “damned if you do” and “damned if you don’t” decision and Maggie decided to just go ahead with it and write in Henry. She knew it would be considered tokenisation, as she’s discussed, but she figured having the representation would be better than not having the representation. 

Secondly, we all are part of a stereotype. Doesn’t mean we are a stereotype. Henry’s mother is definitely not a Tiger Mom; she doesn’t hover over him, control who he hangs out with, demand he get perfect Grades, etc. She’s protective over her son a fairly reasonable amount considering how dangerous their world is and oh, the fact that she and Henry are a minority living in small-town Henrietta. Henry may have ties to the magical world but that is literally the only stereotype that can be attributed to him (and maybe having great hair and an affinity for kpop but I don’t even remember if the latter is canon or not; maybe even having a fast, fancy car counts, idk). We all know how Asians are often depicted in media. Super smart. Accented probably. Pianist/violinist if Chinese/Taiwanese. Good at maths. Quiet and studious. Apolitical, submissive. Well-behaved. Geeky, anime nerd. Good at fighting/martial arts. Skinny. Short. 

Henry is the following:
- loud as fuck (screaming FASCIST! at people, having that pretend-fight with Blue), even though his first language is described as thought, this doesn’t seem to deter him from being vocal and sassy when he wants to be
- dominant (bickering with Ronan without even an inch of fear, taking Gansey down into the hole to face his own phobia and to reveal a major part of himself because he knows what he wants)
- political (he’s in the student council)
- unable to play a musical instrument
- unable to do martial arts or defend himself physically (as we see him squeak when the Gray Man kidnaps him)
- smart, quiet, studious, but only in relation to getting Aglionby stuff done; outside of his school, his intelligence is more emotional/personable rather than maths, etc
- not very well-behaved as we see him spray painting things to pass the time because he’s bored while he waits
- could potentially be described as geeky? but only in terms of his very eccentric friends who have a variety of interests 
- has an accent but it’s not a Chinese/Taiwanese or Korean one; it’s Canadian 
- skinny? Yeah, possibly, but not in the stereotypical fashion. Apparently, he’s modelled before so he might have some muscle tone. 
- short? I don’t remember if it’s fanon or canon but I don’t recall him being described as short; he’s not the tallest of the bunch, contrary to fanon belief, but he’s not short either
- has a fancy, fast car, yes, but is completely the opposite of Tokyo Drift with it and even states that it scares him. 
- likes Madonna and probably would not be seen jamming to Vivaldi or Bach

So…

I mean

what?

Now Kavinsky is a lot harder to defend as far as Slavic stereotypes go but as someone who lived in NJ, he definitely sounds like he’s from NJ to me. 

Ugh, if I want this internship, I need to get a rabies vaccination. 

I mean, I’m gonna need continuous rabies vaccinations anyway simply because of my field but I didn’t think this day would come so soon. And I’ve had them before. And fuck, they’re expensive. 

Still better than death, especially death by rabies.

But I’m allowed to complain a little, right?

(yes)

I also have a draft on here where I discuss reading “controversial” fan fiction, where we have these divides in fandom and readers about what’s problematic and what isn’t, and something something age groups…

Idk, it was in response to a post in one of the tags I follow. 

I just… don’t believe in restricting kids in what they should be allowed to read or not read. I wasn’t restricted growing up and I think it not only made me a better reader but a better person. 

But I also wasn’t sheltered like… at all… growing up. And I’m really grateful for it because I encounter a lot of people who were sheltered and many seem emotionally stunted/inexperienced in a lot of ways and sometimes I feel like I’m decades older. And so the things they find neat/cool now, I already did and I’m already over…

My problem right now is that I have to do some chores, I gotta find my card so I can run to the store for some ingredients for dinner…and then I gotta make dinner. 

But all I want to do is… be creative. 

I want to write my mermaid novel, my horse boy novel, ASCENSION. 

And I also want to write a bunch of letters/postcards to mail out tomorrow to friends and family. 

But I gotta make dinner. And my brain does not want to make dinner, hahahaha.