#alexcasper

      “I’m fine Cas.” Alex sighed, shaking his head. All of his thoughts were fuzzy and his hands were shaking, but he was fine. It wasn’t a big deal, this wasn’t the first time he’d collapsed out of nowhere. It’d a little over a year ago. It really scared him back then, but now… now it felt sort of normal. Alex let Cas lead him back into the library, glad to find a quiet space in the world as they sat down, the other handing him a water bottle. “Thanks.” He wondered if Casper was serious when he offered to listen to him if he needed to talk, but at the same time, he didn’t have much to say. “I’m not taking very good care of myself, am I?” Alex asked, taking slow sips. He wasn’t really interested in the water and it showed.

      Alex wasn’t avoiding food, he didn’t have any issue with it! He just wasn’t hungry anymore. He was tired. But if he could push himself a little farther, was that really such a bad thing? Cutting was a disaster, this was the only show of strength he really had. The boy sighed, making short circles over the bottle with his finger. He knew. Showing ribs, the cold, drops in blood pressure- It was getting harder and harder to cut. It was driving him insane. No matter how deep he tired to go, they bled like dull, shallow cuts. Seeping lifelessly. It killed him inside! He was too weak to ruin himself properly! He was too weak to do anything!

      If he was serious about this, if he was for real, he wouldn’t have been on the floor begging for attention! He would have been able to go a little deeper! “I don’t know.” This wasn’t going well. He was finished talking. There wasn’t anything left to say. It was all just… there. “Thanks for the water.” Alex said, downing the bottle and walking away.

      He threw up the water over a trashcan less than five minutes later, the ringing in his ears getting so loud it wouldn’t have mattered if Casper was talking or not. Alex sighed. He didn’t feel good… He was so tired.