#also this is so not cohesive lmfao
Why I’ve been missing
How conceited of me to make a post like this. This feels like a youtuber apology or something lmfao
First of all, I just want to say how much I miss chatting with you guys, getting thirsty asks and writing filth. I miss the joy that all of this used to bring me. Also I want to get this out of the way: this is not a goodbye or hiatus post. I’m still here
Please don’t read any further than the “read more” if depression and suicidal thoughts trigger you.
Ngl, I’m not doing well. Not at all.
I don’t want to seem like an edgy kid who self-diagnoses random illnesses to seem cool, but as you will probably guess from my next words, I have a feeling that I may be struggling with some pretty severe depression and ADHD.
My mental health has been slowly but surely going downhill for quite a while now. It started with sudden bursts of anxiety and tachicardia, and escalated all the way to suicidal thoughts. At the beginning they were intrusive thoughts that I tried to not give too much weight too, until they’ve become full fledged fantasies where I’m better off dead.
Fortunately, getting a kitten has helped with those, so I’m not joining gods spam folder out of my own volition anytime soon
Every day feels like a burden to me. I either fill my time with endless, tiring work to distract myself from the voids in my life, or spend it doing absolutely nothing, no thoughts at all, lost in my own mind.
I hate myself so much for my tendencies to procrastinate and ignore my problems, and it’s an endless cycle of disappointing myself and not achieving my goals (even the easy fucking ones like cleaning my damn bathroom) that I can never seem to break out of.
Some days I want to go to sleep and never wake up. On those days I force myself to be a functioning member of society, or at least functioning enough to feed my cat and change her litter. Some others I live in autopilot and if you asked me what I do on those days, I genuinely would tell you that I don’t fucking know.
I wish I could change myself and my life but I don’t do anything significant to achieve that because what’s the point in trying when you wish you were dead instead?
I never planned to make it past the age of 18, but here I am, at almost 22, with no fucking direction in life nor any will to live. Nothing sparks me anymore, but at the same time so many things do, and I still can’t bring myself to indulge in those passions because I procrastinate them.
Covid was a lot. I lost my job so many times, I spent a year doing quite literally nothing other than reading fanfiction and closing myself in my own fantasies. Now I’m so lost and lonely.
I recognize that I have a problem, but the idea of putting myself through therapy to solve it? Not it. I tried to, but I’m always too drained, and too tired, and broke af, and there’s always an excuse I’m not even gonna lie, but anything that requires more effort than mindless work tasks feels like an insurmountable mountain to me.
So yeah. I wish I could write but I can’t bring myself to. I did with “1-2-3 Way” because it was a commission and I hate that one shot so much because of the negative feelings I’ve associated it with. I wish I could answer all your asks and messages, but honestly it’s hard for me to do it.
Maybe one message at a time I will :)
The rant is over. It has no direction whatsoever (like me lmfao) and it was written in the spurt of the moment. It probably doesn’t even make sense but yeah.
Know that I love you all, and that I value you and this space so much.
Hopefully, you’ll see me soon with more stories for you. :)
