#and steal all his fried chicken
if you’ve been here this long, you might as well take a chance and try to pummel one of these shitbags.
sehun:- 88% chance of winning - he’s got long limbs, but they’re thin and lack strength. plus, he’s sensitive, and would cry if you didn’t like his selfie. a good kick to the liver could probably take him out, but don’t touch his face, because that’s all he’s got. beat him up, but don’t take away his career.
kai:- 16% chance of winning - at first he seems like a big woobie that likes puppies but don’t forget this guy does ballet. he could slam dunk you into a trashcan while doing a pirouette and then grand jete his way to kfc afterwards for a snack. fight him only if you’re ready to fouette en tournant his ass.
tao:- 50% chance of winning - tao cries whenever he’s in the dark and needs the emotional support of his teammates to be conscious after 2am, but he also knows wushu and could potentially murder you. if you want to fight tao and keep your skull intact, do so only between the hours of 2 and 4 am, and wear a scary mask.
ksoo:- 0% chance of winning - this kid will fuck you up. do not fight do kyungsoo.
chanyeol:- 35% chance of winning - chanyeol has long arms with muscles but he doesn’t know what to do with his legs. he’s also kind of stupid, but he has a lot of internal aggression and anger, and will take you out. if you fight him, target his knees. i’m 90% sure they’re made of spaghetti.
chen:- 92% chance of winning - kjd is small and weak. he can fit in a locker, or in a toilet, or in a recycling bin, so all three are valid receptacles to put him in after you give him the wedgie of his life.
baekhyun:someone fight baekhyun please. i will pay you money to destroy him.
lay:- 12% chance of winning - don’t underestimate him by thinking that he’s just forgetful and kinda dopey, if he’s gotten this far in life with his attention span, he must have killed somebody along the way. only fight lay if you’re willing to go up against a remorseless murderer.
suho:- 95% chance of winning - c’mon, would you fight against someone who drinks vegetable juice? knits socks in his spare time? buys geriatric vitamins for his teammates? takes slow walks in sunny afternoons to strengthen his brittle, brittle bones? fight suho only if you’re a dirty senior-citizen hater.
kris: - 50% chance of winning - depends on if you’re fighting sm kris or present-day wu yifan. kris has a lot of pent-up anger, might pretend you are his dad, but because of wu yifan’s exposure to jazz music, his attack patterns are a lot less predictable.
luhan:- 1% chance of winning - he’ll crush your head between his thighs like a watermelon. he’ll grind you under his heel while flexing his well-defined calf muscles. he’s got a mysterious face scar, he probably spent his time as a trainee beating super junior up, shaving their hair off, and harvesting it to stuff his plushies with. you fuckers have no chance of winning against luhan, he’ll cut your face off with his chin.
xiumin:- 80% chance of winning - yeah he’s ripped but what does he do? make coffee? fall asleep during interviews? sweat a lot? fight xiumin, you’ll probably win.
