#arden is going to be okay

Here’s the final chapter! Thank you everyone for reading and I hope you enjoyed it! You can find Chapter 1 here.

Arden gingerly sat on the edge of couch, wrapping the tangle around their fingers, unwrapping, and then rubbing it between their palms. They took a deep breath, letting the sound of their hands against the tangle calm them for a moment. “Here you go,” Mr. Fell said as he handed them a mug of hot cocoa and sat in the chair across from them, hands clasped in front of him. “Thank you,” Arden replied and held the mug close to their chest and took a few sips before putting it down on the table.

Mr. Fell gave Arden a soft smile, “What is your name?” 

“Arden.”

“Oh!” Mr. Fell beamed. “I was just looking over an edition of As You Like It, I don’t know if you are familiar with it…”

“I actually chose to name myself Arden after I read it for the first time!” Arden flapped their hands excitedly. “It’s gender neutral and all of the characters just discovered in the Forest of Arden what the world could be like and could express themselves freely…” They trailed off and noticed their hands. I can’t move like that I need to keep that…They saw Mr. Fell flapping his hands with an expression of complete joy. Oh…I can flap here.

Mr. Fell’s expression shifted to concern as he asked, “You don’t have to tell me, but I am wondering if something happened?” Arden hesitated, “I-I don’t want to burden you…” “You won’t,” Mr. Fell responded firmly. Arden drank and stimmed with the tangle, nerves rising.
“It’s trivial really but um I’m getting a flu shot for the first time tomorrow. I know that’s a weird thing to be anxious about… well for context I’m autistic and when I was diagnosed my mom turned to anti-vaccine ideology for answers. She… she wanted a neurotypical child.” Arden took another steadying breath. “That ideology was all I knew; I didn’t know of any other way to live. To everyone, being normal was the only way to live a good life. I worked hard to be a normal person, but I always failed. Because I believed all this, I felt…um…that my whole being was wrong. A couple years ago, I suddenly just couldn’t try to be normal anymore. Thanks to the Internet, I learned the truth. I realized that I was born autistic and that it isn’t a bad thing to be. I needed to accept myself so I can live. The people around me refused to understand so I moved away when I could. The shot tomorrow has caused a lot of the fear I internalized from that time to come back and I’m just scared that maybe that I will always have that fear.”

Arden looked up nervously, Oh God was that too much?, but Mr. Fell’s expression was different. For a moment, his face embodied a deep rage that remained within yet encompassed years of witnessing the world’s injustices, making Arden wonder, how many people have come here at their lowest point and told him of their pain? His expression then shifted to quiet sadness, “Forgive me, dear, it is just that your experience happens to remind me of my own. You’ve been very brave. In an ideal world, being who you are should not have to be brave, but sadly the universe doesn’t seem to be there yet. While my experience is different, the, um, community I came from held a worldview of the universe that’s similar.” Arden leaned forward, listening intently.  

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“It was more of a strict view of God’s plan,” Mr. Fell continued. “It was very ‘This is the One Truth and one day everyone will realize that.’ I believed in their view deeply, but the community always treated me as inherently wrong no matter what. I suppressed anything odd about the ways I move and speak, yet that didn’t change anything. Then I met Anthony.” Mr. Fell’s face lit up with the light of infinite suns. “He showed me such a new way of thinking about the universe. His vision of a world where everyone has autonomy was so beautiful. For the first time, I saw that perhaps I could live a life of my own choosing. At first, I tried to nip my new ideas in the bud, but I began to question the community and became disillusioned. Anthony’s vision of the world was now  my vision too, and we could make that vision reality together.  So I chose to reject it all and start anew. Now Anthony and I have been partners for a long time. I run this bookshop while he tries to yell at his plants less in our flat above when he’s not in the bookshop. While I often do have difficult days where I feel ashamed of my past, I know I have this life right here and I couldn’t be happier.”

Arden felt that they could breathe again for the first time in a long time. “Thank you for sharing that with me. I don’t have a lot of words right now, but I didn’t think I’d ever get to meet someone who went through a similar experience and I just—thank you.” “Of course,” Mr. Fell answered.

Arden leaned back in the chair, lost in thought. “ I remember that when my mom told me about the anti-vaccine treatments, she said that my ‘recovery’ was a miracle thanks to God. That really messed up how I feel about God. Did you struggle to believe after everything?”

“What you believe is entirely your choice. I was disillusioned over the community’s view of God, but I wanted to have faith in Her. So I chose how I believe in Her. The way certain people twist who God is to harm others…” Aziraphale paused, passion rising as he went on, “I think, Arden, God created you as you are because She believes in you as you are. God transcends any idea of “normal” so you never need to be “normal” for God. Miracles are not about attempting to take away an identity essential to who you are. They’re about being alive. Taking in a beautiful view of London at sunset is a miracle. Surviving the worst and using your experience to help others live is a miracle. Discovering who you are is a miracle. In those moments, I think God is present within us. I got carried away, but I hope that helps.”
Arden, lost for words for a minute, took a few breaths to process everything. But Mr. Fell’s belief gave them peace that they didn’t realize they were looking for until now. “I’m still questioning my beliefs, but your words help enormously. Your view of God is beautiful. You make believing in God make sense.”

“Thank you, I’m truly glad,” Mr. Fell replied.

“I hope the world can be more built for people like me one day.”

“So do I.”

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The two of them sat in comfortable silence for a couple minutes, Arden in wonder over the sequence of events. I’m not alone in this. “Oh! I’m afraid I have to cut our time short—Anthony is coming home soon to take us to try a new Italian restaurant tonight. I really enjoyed talking with you and please come here whenever you’d like,” Mr. Fell wiggled with joy. “I really enjoyed talking to you too, and I definitely will come back,” Arden flapped. As they put the tangle back in the stim box—

“Arden? Before you go…”
“Yeah?”
“I see that you’re struggling to move forward. Perhaps you could remember the Forest of Arden. Once the characters stepped in it, they could reject the norms of the court and learn what the world could be without that. They became better people. Everyone transformed because the forest gave them freedom to discover themselves for the first time. As you continue to discover yourself, you’ll flourish. Then others with similar experiences who feel lost can find you and you can help them grow into Forests of Arden for even more people. So many people have transformed the world that way. I think you could be a Forest of Arden.”

“God, you’re going to make me cry,” Arden smiled and ran a hand over their watering eyes. “You are one too. Thank you, for everything.”
“Ofcourse.”
Arden walked out of the bookshop on to a quiet street, sun setting in front of them. They stood still, watching its purple, pink, and orange hues transform the sky into something so extraordinary that even that word couldn’t capture the wonder of it all. Arden tipped their head back and hummed. I’m transforming, and it’s a miracle.