Help! Cheating On My Wife for Thirty Straight Years Has Been A Real Drag!

Ask Amy, Washington Post,25 January 2021:

Dear Amy: I’ve been married for 30 years. Most of this time, I’ve been unhappy. I’ve experienced love in the past. Before my marriage I had my heart broken twice. I just could not allow myself to go through that pain again. Therefore, I married a woman who was a good person, knowing that if she ever left, my heart would not be broken. This has caused me to have a number of affairs. I’m not proud of that. When I was single, I had never cheated on any of my girlfriends, but began cheating on my wife after two years of marriage. The biggest reason I never left my wife was that I could not bear the thought of not seeing my young kids daily (who are now adults), and also the financial struggles divorce would bring.

I now struggle with a different heartache and ask myself — is this the way I want to spend my remaining years? — Unhappy Husband

Dear Unhappy Husband,

It’s about time somebody thought about youandyour needs for once! And how lucky that — wow! — it’s you! You’re the one putting your needs first! Amazing! Good for you for taking on the burdensome yoke of finally putting yourself first after so many years of fucking people over for your own benefit.

You’ve spent the last 30 years lying bald-faced to a “good person” about the nature of your feelings and your relationship and your intentions, which is an eminently reasonable thing to do after experiencing a couple of break-ups, a highly unusual experience that was exquisitely and only painful for you specifically and especially because you are the most sensitive and caring preciousheart whose feelings must be preserved and honored above all others, so fuck ‘em! Nobody else has ever experienced romantic dissatisfaction and just gotten the fuck over it instead of turning their entire life into a house of lying-ass sad bastard cards, no indeed, you did the right and normal thing there with that one and can’t be blamed one iota for it. And my goodness, to think of all the time you had to spend explaining your loveless marriage and uniquely broken heart to all those people you slept with behind your wife’s back! That must have been really difficult for you.

After three decades of doing whatever the fuck you want irrespective of the harm done to the people who you’re ostensibly supposed to love and respect most in the world, it’s no wonder you’re thinking about what comes next. Thirty years is a long time to pull the same predictable, boring-ass stunts over and over again because you don’t want to take responsibility for your own actions!

Now that your wife has fulfilled her purpose here on earth by giving you the children and the companionship you required to keep you grounded amid the long string of clandestine affairs you had no choice but to have because somebody made you feel sad once and you are a sad man with sad man feelings, it is time to think of the future. Consider spending your remaining years alone, perhaps at sea. Or under it.