#bat mitzvah

What is the kosher way to give a snake a bat mitzvah (snat mitzvah)

Friend: How can you be sure your cat is not antisemitic? 

Self: This is a fair point. She has literally stepped on the name of G-d before when she has decided that my looking at a siddur is a distraction from the important work of loving her.

That being said, I think I can be sure she is not antisemitic because she does not realize that people believe in any G-d(s) other than her, which means she would be unaware of Judaism. You can’t hate something you don’t know exists, right?

Friend: And maybe she was trying to use one of her paws as a yad when pointing to the name of G-D.

Self: My cat can lien Torah. It must be time to throw her a bat mitzvah.

Friend: Cat Mitzvah*

What will her Purrsha be?

Self: I’ll make it happen. I’m sure my rabbi would be thrilled to have a cat in shul.

I Googled “what parsha should a cat have” and this came up: http://www.chabad.org/…/1008420/jewish/Feeding-Animals.htm I think she would concur that it is very important the conregation hear about the importance of feeding animals, given that her life mission is to be fed. 

(Also there is apparently a midrash in which Noah is late feeding a lion and is injured. The rabbis must have had cats. There is no other explanation of their understanding of feline psychology.)

Friend: What minhag does your cat follow for Pesach? Does she eat KITTENyot?

Me: She’s a Cataite, clearly - cats are from Egypt, after all - so she relies on her own interpretation. Which is fitting because cats are not fans of authority, so I doubt she would be in support of the sanhedrin. 

The bat mitzvah turns 100. It marks more than a coming-of-age for Jewish girls

“"Girls sort of start to take the bull by the horns and not only ask, but in some cases demand that they be given full rights, like their male counterparts,” Balin says. “And that’s what happens.”“