BTHB - Anger Born of Worry

When Fao left on tour, he seemed to take most of Harrison’s sense and stability with him. The younger wolf began causing issues almost immediately, quickly squaring up to Sheila and Fred. Even Steve couldn’t control him, or his wolf.

After a particularly vicious moon, leaving both Harrison and Fred bruised and sore, things took a turn for the worse. He’d started on Finn, rounding on him over breakfast. They’d scrapped over nothing, Finn ending up landing on the floor rather roughly. He’d yelped immediately, scrambling away as he tried to protect himself. Still, Harrison didn’t stop.

The Daniels were furious, struggling to believe Harrison would do that to Finn, the kid he’d always adored. He was kicked out, the rest of the pack watching him as he collected his belongings. It was clear he wasn’t welcome.

Theo took him in, let him crash on his sofa while Steve patched Finn up - while he’d done what he could at the clinic, but it was clear he needed their hospital. Harrison, being bigger and more prepared, hadn’t fared too badly; a few cuts and scrapes that would heal soon enough.

While Theo’s offer was kind, Harrison couldn’t stay. He wasn’t sure if it was couldn’t or wouldn’t, but either way, he had to go. He left notes, an apology to Finn and then the Daniels, a few notes he’d saved up included to pay for the broken plates and chairs; another to Steve, for taking the chance on him and him screwing it all up, like he always did; one for Theo, a quick explanation and a (polite) request to not throw his stuff out, not that he deserved it; and finally, one for Fao. He wasn’t sure if it was a plead for him to come home safely, or an apology for everything he’d ever done. A love letter of sorts, things he’d never say out loud, but since he wasn’t coming back, that didn’t matter. Fao might as well know.

He waited until Theo had gone to bed, the older man offering to stay up and chat, sensing something was off. He’d declined, lied until he was left alone. Despite the other wolf trying to wait up, he’d drifted off, giving Harrison his opportunity.

He’d taken food from his cupboards - old stuff, nearly out of date, things he’d heard Theo complain about. It wasn’t like Harrison to just take charity, so he left some money too, under his letter of apology. With nothing left to do, he shouldered his backpack, shoved his rolled duvet under his arm and slipped out into the night.

When Theo woke and found Harison gone, he called everyone he knew, panic clear in his words. Nobody had seen or heard from him. And then, he found the letters.

The pack was out searching as soon as Theo raised the alarm - Harrison was still part of the pack, even after his actions. Everyone was distraught, worried about him - it wasn’t the first time he’d ran off, but everything felt wrong. His letters held too much finality, too much goodbye.

When Fao came back from his tour, it was to the family and the pack in chaos. Harrison missing was worrying, and the letter Fao read made his stomach twist. He was exhausted, just come back from war, but he threw himself into searching. Of course, after he’d spent some time with Finn. Something about what Harrison had said in his letter sent Fao searching further afield than he usually would. He spent days scouring the woods as wolf, sleeping under bushes despite the cold and wind. He clung to every hint of a scent, desperate to find him.

Haarrison kept his distance, travelled North. He’d never been far from London, only ever travelling to the south coast on the ‘family’ holidays he’d had. There was nothing for him in the north, but that was part of the (pull) of it. He wasted most of his money on hotels, trying his best to find somewhere to stay out of the cold and rain. There wasn’t much he could do; he couldn’t work, had to be careful where he left his leg when he shifted too. He did his best to hide his scent, to keep the pack from finding him, not that they’d be looking for him anyway.

The food was gone quickly too, despite his attempt to ration and hunt when he could. The idea of fish had quickly grown stale, rabbit and pigeon following suit.

He didn’t dare to beg, though would often find some safety in sleeping in doorways in city centres, his duvet wrapped tight around him. He was caught out a few times too, woken up to someone trying to rob him and beat him up. Bloody lip and bruised eyes left him more suspicious, made him sit awake at night. His black eyes grew into dark bags under his eyes, his tiredness past exhaustion.

With the days slightly warmer, more crowds flocked to the streets. His usual sleeping places disturbed by foot traffic and prying eyes. As much as he tried to sleep during the day, every instinct in him begged him to keep moving, to try and evade any search efforts that might still be going on. After all, he’d caused so much trouble within the pack, they’d surely still be out for blood.

It took Fao a long while to even get close to finding him. But his letter kept him going, scanning over each word to try and find any hint of where he was. It took him much further North than he expected. He lost the scent, and had pretty much given up as he headed into the town, very much human, in search of a hotel room to stay in and get cleaned up. But then he caught a scent again, and whilst he couldn’t be sure, it certainly seemed like him.

And there, curled up in a shop doorway, was Harrison. He was curled under a filthy duvet, and he smelled sick, but it was him.

Fao stopped dead.

“Harrison?Tomcat?”

He didn’t move at first. There was no way Fao had found him, not this far away. He sniffed quietly. Well, shit. Not one to give up, he pulled the duvet further over his head, trying to hide.

“Harrison?”

“No.”

“It’s only me.”

He sat up slowly, breathing deeply as he tried to check if it really was just Fao. The others wouldn’t be too far away. “Fao.”

“Hey, stranger.”

“What do you want?” He got stiffly to his feet, backed in the corner.

“Wanted to find you. Came back from tour and you’d gone.”

“Yeah.”

“I’ve missed you, Tomcat.”

“So what have you come to do?”

“Came to find you. Your letter… Well, I…”

“I said what I said.”

“I was scared I’d lose you.”

“I’m not coming back.” He frowned. “If you’re going to kill me, just get it over with.”

“I’m not gonna kill you, don’t be daft.” Fao said. “But I swear I’ve been wolf for like a week, I was gonna get a hotel room, grab a shower and some food? Wanna come?”

“So you can tell the others where I am so theycan get me? Yeah, sure.”

“They don’t know I’m here, and I’m not going to tell them. I won’t tell them I’ve found you, if you’d rather not. But nobody wants to kill you.”

“Of course they do.”

“They don’t, Hars. They’re all really worried about you.”

He shook his head with a bark of a laugh. “Don’t be daft.”

“They are. Sheila’s a wreck.”

“She hates me.”

“She doesn’t.”

“They’re not my pack any more.”

“They’re always going to be your pack, Hars.”

He scoffed. “They kicked me out. I deserved it.”

“They told you to leave the house. That doesn’t mean you’re gone from the pack.”

“As good as.”

“Not at all.”

“I’ve said what I said, Fao. I’m not going back.” He squared his shoulders, clenched his jaw. “Just leave me alone.”

“Come on, let’s at least grab a shower, some hot food and sleep in a real bed tonight.”

He shook his head, though his heart desperately wanted to. “No, I’m not…I’ve got to go now.”

“No commitment. Have some food, a soft place to sleep. And then if you still want to walk away… I can’t stop you.”

“So you can kill me in my sleep.” He laughed drily or dryly whatever. “Yeah, sure.”

“You don’t trust me anymore?”

“I trust that pack will come before I do.”

“They’re not coming. I can’t even tell them, my phone is dead.”

“You can charge it.”

“Why would I tell them? I’m just here for you.”

“Because you all want me dead.”

“Wedon’t.”

He couldn;t allow himself the hope. “No.”

“I swear, tomcat. Swear on my life.”

Fao wouldn’t lie to him. “No, mate. It’s okay.”

“Come on, let’s get you warm and fed, eh?” Fao said, offering him a hand.

He flinched away; his back hit against stone and he groaned. “I’ve said no.”

Fao frowned, and stepped back. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

“I know, I know.” He wrapped an arm around his stomach, protecting himself. “I know.”

Fao dropped his gaze, wolf body language taking over by default. “I’m just here to help you.”

“Honest?”

“Honest. I wouldn’t lie.”

He hesitated, almost giving in. “I’ve not got any money.”

“Let me worry about the money.”

“I’m not taking charity.”

“Do I look like a charity? You’re family, shut up and let me take care of you, tomcat.”

“I’m not family.” He spat.

“You are to me.” Fao said, folding his arms over his chest. “Don’t snap at me.” His tone betrayed where he’d been for the past few months, a hangover from his tour.

“I’ll do what I want.”

Fao raised an eyebrow at him, but didn’t say a word.

Harrison’s lip curled. “What are you going to do?”

“Dunno. Figured I’d just wait for you to stop being an ass.

“I’m packing my shit and going.” He all but snarled, starting to roll his duvet up.

“Okay. You want a hand?”

“Does it look like I want a hand?”

“Well, you seem to be making this a big thing. Bit dramatic if you ask me, all I did was offer you some food and a warm bed.”

“You only offered so you’d have the chance to hurt me.”

“No I didn’t. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You have to.”

“No I don’t.”

“An eye for an eye.”

“Nobody cares about any of that crap.”

“Don’t lie.”

“I’m not lying.”

“I’ll pay you back.” He softened.

“If you want to.”

“I will.”

“Come on then. Food, a shower and sleep in a real bed.””

“I’ll sleep on the floor.” He said. “Nothing I’m not used to.”

“No, come on. We’ll get you a good bed.”

He could fight it later. “Okay.”

Slowly, Fao offered Harrison his hand again. “Come on, then.”

Harrison shouldered his pack, then reached for Fao’s hand. “Thank you.”

“I’ve missed you.”

“Don’t be daft.”

“I really have!”

He didn’t say anything. He still wasn’t sure where he stood. There was no sign of ill intentions with Fao, but he couldn’t be too careful.

Fao sighed, but didn’t push it. Harrison was going to take time to trust him again. But he lead him to the hotel he’d planned on staying in, and managed to reserve a double room. They’d both have somewhere proper to sleep, hot water, and food that night and the next morning.

Harrison hesitated again. “Can I grab a shower?”

“Of course. You got some clean clothes?”

“Clean enough.”

“Grab some of mine, they’re clean. And we can buy some more for you.”

“It’s fine. I can wash them in the sink.”

“No, Hars. We’ll get you some nice clothes.”

“I’ve got clothes.”

“Clean clothes.”

“They will be once I’ve washed them.”

“Alright.”

“I told you,” he said gruffly. “I’m not taking charity.”

“I know. But there’s a difference between pity and help.”

“And I don’t think you know the difference.”

“Of course I do.”

“Then stop pitying me.”

“I’m not pitying you. I’m just trying to help.”

He scuffed his feet. “Feels a lot like pity.”

“But Tomcat, you think anyone who’s trying to help is pitying you.”

“Because it’s the same thing.”

“It’s not.”

“No?” He raised an eyebrow. “Could have fooled me.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“How far is the hotel?”

“Not far.”

“I’ve had enough walking.”

“It’s not too far. But I can carry some of your stuff?”

He jerked away. “It’s mine.”

“I’m not gonna take it. Thought it might just make the walk easier if you didn’t have so much to carry.”

“I always have to carry it. Otherwise someone would nick it.”

“I’m not gonna nick it.”

“You might.” He shrugged his backpack on again. “It’s fine.”

“Okay.” It hurt that Harrison didn’t trust him any more, but he didn’t know what else to do or say.

Harrison could sense the pain from Fao and he sighed. “It’s filthy anyway, I’m better off carrying it.”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with.”

“Not fair on you.”

“Not like I’m not fit.”

He huffed. “Yeah, that’s true.”

“So I’m happy to carry if you need it.”

“It’s okay.”

“Let’s get going, then.”

He sighed. “Yeah, sure.”

Fao led the way to the hotel, trying to keep a slow pace so Harrison didn’t have to rush.

Harrison hesitated outside, turning to Fao. “They’ll kick me out again.”

“No they won’t. They’ve been paid enough.”

“Still, they’ve seen the state of me.”

“You look fine, just a bit scuffed up.”

“I look homeless.”

“Well, Hars, I hate to break it to you, but you have been living on the streets.” Fao attempted to joke. “Come on, take my hoodie.” He pulled it over his head.

“You think I don’t know?” Harrison snapped at Fao.

“Sorry, sorry. Stupid joke. Come on, just take the hoodie, it’ll be alright. You’re clearly with me, so it’s fine.”

“And what about my shit?”

“I’ll carry it.”

“They won’t let you in.”

“Give it here, I’ll shove it in my bag?”

“Let me carry the bag though?”

“Sure, so long as you don’t break it.”

“I’m not going to.”

“Good.” Fao shrugged his bag off and rolled Harrison’s duvet and other crap up to shove it inside. “That’s alright?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” He swung it onto his back. “Thanks.”

“Let’s go, then.”

“Right.” He nodded. “After you.”

Fao led the way inside, glancing back at Harrison to make sure he was still following.

“I’m not going to run off. Don’t give me that look.”

“But you thought about it.”

“No.” He lied.

Fao raised an eyebrow, but didn’t say anything. They got inside, and spoke to the person at the desk. He shot them some slightly odd looks, but Fao spoke in a way that dared him to give them shit, and nothing was said. They were given keys, and directions to the room. They headed up, and Fao unlocked the door to let Harrison inside. “Here we go. Much better.”

“Yeah, definitely.”

“Do you wanna grab a shower?”

“Yes please.”

“Go on, then.”

He glanced at Fao before heading into the bathroom, backpack still on. “Won’t be long.”

“Harrison. My pack, please?”

“It’s got my stuff in.”

“Take your stuff out?”

“Fine.”

“Thanks.”

He shoved his pack towards Fao. “I’m getting a shower now.”

“Yeah, go ahead. Enjoy it.”

He headed back into the bathroom, dumping his stuff on the floor before stripping. He ran the water hot, used as much shampoo and bodywash as he could, and just stood under the stream. It was a stark difference from his previous attempts at a shower, a hurried wash in the mcdonalds toilets. After washing his hair and body, he slumped down, sliding until he was sat on the shower floor. His head in his hands, he let himself cry, all his emotions coming to a head.

Fao gave Harrison plenty of time in the shower. He deserved his privacy, and it was no doubt the first shower he’d had in far too long. He sorted through the other wolf’s stuff, only to neatly fold it for now. He’d go through and wash it later for him. Even the duvet could be washed, he was sure. Of course he wanted to bring Harrison home, but if he chose to keep living this way, the best he could do was make him more comfortable.

Harrison eventually emerged from the bathroom, hair still dripping and a mess on his head. He was in slightly cleaner clothes, his others having also had a wash. When he saw Fao, his lip curled.

“I told you not to touch my stuff.”

“I just folded them for you.” Fao said, guarded. “That way you can pick out what wants washing and if anything needs fixing. It didn’t seem right, just leaving it in a pile on the floor. It’s all there, you can check it for yourself.“

"It’s not yours to touch.”

“Look, sorry. I was only trying to help.”

“I didn’t ask for your help!” He shot back, his wavering voice betraying him. “I didn’t ask for any of it.”

“Look, I don’t know what the fuck happened back home, I don’t care, but I’m your pack and I’m your family and we help eachother out when we end up in the shit! I’m not long back from fucking Afghanistan, and yet here I am with you, because I’m not just going to walk past and leave you to suffer. So get your head out of your ass and just let me help, for fuck’s sake. It’s not pity, it’s not charity, it’s me helping a friend. And I’m sorry I touched your stuff, I am. But I was only trying to make your life easier!”

Harrison didn’t say anything, visibly shrinking back on himself, his lip trembling. He turned away, grabbing his clothes and stuffing them haphazardly into his bag.

Fao softened, and stepped back. He’d gone too far, he knew he had, but Harrison was just so frustrating. It didn’t help just how worried he was about him.

“Look, Tomcat, I’m sorry…”

He shook his head, his wet clothes shoved on top. “Don’t.”

“Don’t go. I’ll leave you be, the room is yours. Don’t have to see my stupid face. But take it, sleep in a real bed, eat real food. For your own health.”

“It’s fine.” He tried to slink past Fao. “I’m fine.”

“No, Hars, you’re not fine.”

“I am.”

“You’re so far from fine it hurts. I read your letter, I really thought I was never going to see you again. I thought I’d lost you. Please, don’t go…”

He stopped, finally looking at Fao. “You weren’t meant to find me.”

“And yet I did.” Fao said, stepping closer. “Come on, don’t throw it all in now.”

“I can’t.” He shook his head, clenched his jaw to try and stop the tears that threatened again. “It’s already over.”

Fao couldn’t help himself, he pulled Harrison in for a hug, crushing him against his chest. “Oh, Tomcat, nothing is ever over.”