#beebe bluff
Christmas is over. Doug and Skeeter are making the best of their vacation time. Skeeter’s tossing a football to himself and Doug is writing in his journal.
Doug must have said, “hey Skeeter, wanna come over so you can be bored while I write in my journal?”
Doug’s agenda for this journal entry is to review his New Year’s resolutions from the beginning of the year to see how they went. I don’t know what the first three resolutions were, but number four was “walk a mile in everybody’s shoes.” Doug checks it off. I hope he took that idea literally and just borrowed everyone’s shoes for one mile hikes. Resolution number five is “grow chest hair.” Another resolution Doug feels he accomplished. Generally, these are pretty bad resolutions though. What did he do to make himself feel like he walked a mile in everybody’s shoes and what actions did he take to grow chest hair that aren’t automatic results of him staying alive and entering puberty?
Resolution number six was “tell Patti how I feel about her.”
“Oh well. Maybe next year.” So much for the easiest resolution he had.
At Mr. Swirly, Patti asks Doug if he’s going to Beebe’s New Year’s party.
He says, “I guess so.” She says she is going too, then she says a goodbye and walks away with Connie. They sit down with Beebe at the next booth. Why aren’t they all sitting together?
Patti shouts, “hey, Guy,” as she’s sitting down. Doug is watching.
Guy is standing by the counter. He makes a noise with his mouth then says to no one in particular, “hold the mayo.” Get it? Since Doug witnessed the whole thing, he’s suddenly apprehensive about New Year’s Eve and tries to downplay the event. Skeeter agrees with him that New Year’s is no big deal, but then Beebe starts talking about what a huge deal it is.
“New Year’s is a huge deal! There’s lots of eating and dancing and kissing. Everybody kisses at New Year’s!”
Connie asks, “everybody?”
Beebe goes on to make the point that you have to kiss whoever you’re with at midnight because it’s a tradition. She starts looking at Skeeter to make her point, because the girl who attends a school shaped like her own head isn’t exactly equipped with an ability for subtlety. Her little speech makes Skeeter have a small freakout where he chokes on his drink, but then he just orders another, so he’s maybe not too worried about kissing Beebe.
Doug now sees the party as an opportunity to complete his resolutions.
“If Patti’s going to kiss someone at midnight, I’m going to make sure it’s me.”
Skeeter takes a moment to connect the awful dots Doug just laid out. “Oh, I get it, man. Since kissing is a New Year’s tradition, Patti will have to kiss you. She’ll have no choice.”
“Yeah! I mean, no. I mean…if I could just give her one kiss, maybe she’d finally know how I really feel about her.” Skeeter bad. Doug not so bad, but still very questionable. Words would be a better way to tell someone how you feel about them.
So here’s a fantasy about how the party is going to go. Doug and Patti will be the only ones there. They will be dressed up. Doug will be playing the piano. Patti will be amazed by his talent and romance.
Not content to this level of admiration, Doug will take off his shoes, climb on top of the piano, and continue playing the piano with his toes.
He is just as good with his feet as he is with his hands. After he hands Patti a rose without disrupting the music he’s playing with his feet, Patti says, “I want you to kiss me like you’ve never kissed anyone before.”
After the fantasy, Doug exclaims, “SKEETER! I’ve never kissed anyone before! I don’t think I even know how!”
Roger overhears this (I mean, he wouldn’t have to be snooping either. Doug shouted it. Are Patti, Connie, and Beebe still sitting at the booth next to them because they’re probably hearing everything Skeeter and Doug are saying and awkward?) and begins his usual taunting.
After Roger calls him a loser, Doug asks how many girls he’s kissed. Roger pulls out a notepad.
After consulting his notes, Roger confirms that he kissed 97 girls at New Year’s last year. Skeeter asks how many of the girls actually wanted him to kiss. His reply is just awful.
“Who cares? The point is even a scammed kiss counts!” Roger says he’s going for a new record this year. If you were ever wondering what Roger might go to jail for, here’s a clue. Unfortunately, he now has money, so maybe don’t get your hopes up that he’ll receive a decent punishment when/if it happens.
Skeeter makes a joke about New Year’s being the only way Roger can get a kiss. Doug says, “yeah, but he sounded so…experienced, and I don’t know the first thing about kissing, unless you count my grandmother! I gotta learn fast, ‘cause when the clock strikes midnight, I’m gonna be right there with the perfect kiss.”
Oh, they are totally still sitting in the booth next to Doug and Skeeter, but judging by the smile on Patti’s face, they were too busy in conversation to hear the guys.
Here’s Doug getting ready to practice kissing.
Lucky for Porkchop, Doug has the balloon. Porkchop pops a tape into the VCR and it’s a Smash Adams movie. Doug intends to study the kissing techniques of Smash Adams.
Smash Adams is holding a woman in his arms as they snowboard off a cliff. Smash opens a parachute and they begin kissing shortly thereafter.
Their parachute snags on the roof of a building and they end up hanging upside down. Their kissing continues uninterrupted.
Doug practices.
Porkchop is embarrassed.
Judy catches him. Embarrassed, Doug can’t think of an excuse for his behavior. Judy says, “don’t tell me. You’re practicing for some loud, mindless, bourgeoisie New Year’s Eve bash where mob mentality forces you to kiss someone at midnight. Patti, perhaps?”
She takes the balloon from Doug, promising to show him the proper technique. She does a weird sort of French act before doing a bad impersonation of Patti, then she throws the balloon away and chases Doug around the room trying to kiss him.
After Smash Adams and Judy failed Doug, he turned to his next great source of information.
Fuck.
Really, this could go a lot worse than it does. It’s still a wholly useless learning experience for Doug though.
He hides this in an issue of The Amazing Man O Steel Man so no one can see what he’s reading.
Skeeter walks up behind him and sees what he’s reading. He blushes. Everyone in the store stares at him.
Skeeter says it’s a cool issue of Teen Mush Magazine and he’s already on step 32. Doug is too embarrassed to say anything but “oh” while he sheepishly puts the magazine back on the rack and walks away because he has that standard social anxiety disorder.
Doug stops by Lack Luster Video to pick up more movies for research. He’s literally back where he started. It gets sort of weird when he walks past the Pet Pagoda and sees a kissing fish in the window. He thinks maybe he should just imitate nature.
Roger sees him imitating the fish and mocks him. Doug tries to play it off like he’s been thinking about becoming a marine biologist. Roger says, “cut the chin wag, Funnie. Tomorrow night’s New Year’s Eve, and I don’t want to risk chapping my lips with idle conversation.” Shouldn’t have fucking started it then, Roger. Asshole.
That night, Doug is practicing his duckface in the mirror.
Phil and Theda are settling in for a night of shitty New Year’s TV and popcorn. Theda asks Judy if she’s going to a party, and Judy dismisses the idea with a short rant about how stupid it all is. She says she’s going to sit in her room and clean out the attic of her mind.
Doug catches his parents kissing and narrates, “it was kinda embarrassing. They are my parents after all, and really old. But they did look like they really liked each other.”
Theda asks if Doug is ready for Beebe’s party, and Phil asks if he has a ride over there. Doug says Mr. Dink is taking him. Mr. Dink is chaperoning. I guess being married to the mayor isn’t all ribbon cuttings and shopping sprees and cocaine addiction. Sometimes you just have to do a shitty job.
Meanwhile, Judy’s celebration is off to a great start. Unfortunately, she left her door open.
Theda and Phil start blowing some horns and disturb her peace. Rude.
At the party, Skeeter offers Doug some goat cheese and garlic hors d'doeuvres and he declines because of the breath issue..
So far, Doug’s piano fantasy is all wrong.
Doug starts eating carrots while Beebe drags Skeeter off to dance.
Guy approaches Doug and gives him a warm greeting because really, they are friends and Guy doesn’t know he’s an annoying shitbag. Doug says, “I thought you never went to seventh grade parties.”
“I don’t. I’m in the next room. With Bill Bluff! And the future captains of industry! Having a grown up party!”
In the Bluffington world, there are conspiracy theories on the internet about what happens at Bill Bluff’s Grown Up New Year’s Party for Eighth Grade Boys. Maybe there’s blurry pictures. Maybe it’s not so much a conspiracy as a series of court settlements for undisclosed amounts and charges.
After Guy leaves, Doug returns to his carrots. Patti enters and shouts from across the room, “hey, Doug! Great party, huh?”
“Yeah…great.”
Meanwhile, Judy is fucking bored with her meditation.
She calls her friend Cassius and gets an answering machine, I guess. I think that’s what it’s supposed to be. It starts, “hello, this is Cassius.”
Judy says hello and starts to say something but is cut off by Cassius saying, “we all know New Year’s Eve is a mindless ritual for the hoi polloi. HAPPY HOI POLLOI! HAHA!” A woman on the phone tells Cassius happy new year before making kissing noises. Maybe it’s not the answering machine. I don’t know. Either way, Judy hangs up in anger.
Back at the party, Doug is still standing alone, eating carrots. The clock goes from 9pm to 11pm. Doug has been standing there eating carrots the whole time. Chalky walks up and says, “eeeh, what’s up, Doug?”
Suddenly, I fucking love Chalky. Anyway, Chalky asks if Doug has made any New Year’s resolutions. Doug says he has just one. Chalky says, “yeah? Me too! I’ve decided to develop some character flaws. You know, people don’t like you when you’re too perfect?” Doug points out that he’s off to a good start since people don’t like it when other people talk with their mouth full of food.
Meanwhile, bored Judy wants to join her parents but still insists on making a thing of protesting it. They don’t care and she joins them.
What was the point of making the popcorn if you weren’t going to fucking eat it?
At the party, Doug is all out of carrots and terribly tired. He normally doesn’t stay up this late. Roger helps him out with a blast from his horn.
He just wants Doug to watch him set a new kissing record.
Doug looks at the clock and sees it is 11:30, then spots Patti across the room, chatting with Guy.
Instead of joining the conversation and maybe talking to Patti before his planned kiss, Doug dances his way over to Skeeter.
“Skeeter, it’s almost New Year’s! What if I blow it? What if I don’t kiss her right? What if I poke her in the eye with my nose? What if our teeth hit and cause a spark that hits the curtains and starts a fire!?”
“Wow…could happen, man.” Thanks, Skeeter.
Doug returns to the earlier fantasy for some reason. Patti is horrified by Doug’s kiss and pushes him away. As she stands up, he falls to the floor.
“Eww, where did you learn to kiss? On a balloon?”
“Well…yeah. But don’t leave! I’ll try harder next time!”
“There’ll never be a next time, loser!”
The fantasy ends with Doug screaming, “nooooo,” and in real life he starts backing up, as if recoiling from the horror of his imaginary failure. He backs into Patti.
She asks if he’s okay and he says he’s perfect. He then excuses himself and walks away. His plan to kiss her conflicts entirely with his plan to avoid her all night. After he leaves her alone and confused, Guy dances over.
Doug really starts to lose it here. He walks over to the snack table again, saying, “steady, Doug. Steady.” He mindlessly stuffs his face with food and mutters, “she was close. Very close.”
Beebe tells him she’s glad he’s enjoying the onion dip. He realizes he’s been eating onions and excuses himself. Beebe is briefly confused.
Doug finds a corner where he can brush his teeth.
You realize how easy this is for me, right?
It’s not midnight yet, but Roger’s already chasing girls for kisses.
…what?
Suddenly, Doug can’t find Patti. He’s looking everywhere but can’t find her. He asks Skeeter if he’s seen her.
Beebe says she left with Guy to go to another party. Doug asks Mr. Dink if he can give them a ride to some other parties for an emergency.
Being a responsible chaperone, Mr. Dink immediately agrees and they leave.
Doug barges into Al and Moo’s New Year’s party to ask the nerds if Guy and Patti are there.
Before Doug can actually ask about Patti, Al and Moo decide to show off their dancing shoes. They are programmed to perform any dance.
Mr. Dink says he must have the dancing shoes and Al and Moo say they are very expensive. Makes you wonder if they are actually his sons.
Doug finally gets to ask Moo if Patti and Guy have been around. Moo tells him they left just before he got here.
At the next party, the foreign exchange student party apparently, Doug, Skeeter, and Mr. Dink are forced into some sort of foreign conga hopping line.
Fentruck tells Doug Patti and Guy left just before he got here.
And here’s another party where Doug apparently just missed them.
Why are Guy and Patti going around to all these other parties? Who is driving them? You know what will really impress Patti? If you take her to Doug’s dog’s New Year’s party. Porkchop and his dog friends are really cool! Good thinking, Guy.
Doug, Skeeter, and Mr. Dink return to Beebe’s party just in time for the countdown . Doug is dejected. Skeeter reassures him that there’s always next year. For the countdown, Mr. Dink turns on his new, very expensive, dancing shoes. They immediately malfunction.
Roger starts going for the record with Connie. Here’s how that went.
Next, he tells Beebe she has something in her eye. She says, “really?” as if it’s possible she didn’t notice something in her eye but Roger did. He tells her he’ll get it.
At the time, she was enjoying a piece of pie, and after Roger steals a kiss, she slams the pie in his face.
What you can’t see in this picture…
…is the sound of Roger kissing other girls and getting slapped. Or getting food or drink thrown in his face. Doug narrates, “watching Roger, I was suddenly glad I didn’t try to steal a kiss from Patti.”
Doug has a fantasy about his first kiss.
“I wanted my first kiss to really mean something. To be something special. Not because it was New Year’s, but because Patti wanted me to kiss her.”
Why the fuck is everything on fire? Oh how romantic. All the poor people’s meager possessions are aflame, just like our hearts are for each other.
Doug says he wants his first kiss to be like his parents’ kiss, where it means something because they both really care about each other.
Meanwhile, Beebe is chasing down Skeeter to demand a kiss. He relents, and look how happy he is…
That’s not enough for her though.
I guess she’s better than Roger because she’s only forcing one person, but still…inappropriate.
Judy gets her midnight kisses from her sleeping parents.
WHAT IS THE FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS BOTTOMLESS BOWL OF POPCORN? WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THAT?
Doug is sitting outside the party with a tray of hors d'oeuvres when Patti approaches him, saying she’s been looking for him everywhere.
He says he’s been looking for her too, but then asks, “where’s Guy?”
“Guy? Ugh. Do you believe this whole New Year’s Eve was about Guy trying to steal a kiss from me?”
“Steal a kiss? That’s bad, isn’t it? So, what’d you do?”
“Well, I told him I was just at the party to have fun, and if this whole party was about kissing, then I was leaving!”
“Well, I’m glad you did.”
“Me too. At least with you, I can relax about all that kissing stuff. I’m just not ready for that yet.”
“Yeah, me neither.”
Roger runs up to them to brag about breaking his record. He’s covered in food.
He’s also committed several counts of sexual battery, and he’s openly bragging about it, so the mob of girls that chase him off is understandable. Doug asks Patti if she’s hungry and says “there might still be a little pie left that Roger’s not wearing,"
Mon, 25 Jul 2016 12:59:11Doug must have said, “hey Skeeter, wanna come over so you can be bored while I write in my journal?”
Doug’s agenda for this journal entry is to review his New Year’s resolutions from the beginning of the year to see how they went. I don’t know what the first three resolutions were, but number four was “walk a mile in everybody’s shoes.” Doug checks it off. I hope he took that idea literally and just borrowed everyone’s shoes for one mile hikes. Resolution number five is “grow chest hair.” Another resolution Doug feels he accomplished. Generally, these are pretty bad resolutions though. What did he do to make himself feel like he walked a mile in everybody’s shoes and what actions did he take to grow chest hair that aren’t automatic results of him staying alive and entering puberty?
Resolution number six was “tell Patti how I feel about her.”
“Oh well. Maybe next year.” So much for the easiest resolution he had.
At Mr. Swirly, Patti asks Doug if he’s going to Beebe’s New Year’s party.
He says, “I guess so.” She says she is going too, then she says a goodbye and walks away with Connie. They sit down with Beebe at the next booth. Why aren’t they all sitting together?
Patti shouts, “hey, Guy,” as she’s sitting down. Doug is watching.
Guy is standing by the counter. He makes a noise with his mouth then says to no one in particular, “hold the mayo.” Get it? Since Doug witnessed the whole thing, he’s suddenly apprehensive about New Year’s Eve and tries to downplay the event. Skeeter agrees with him that New Year’s is no big deal, but then Beebe starts talking about what a huge deal it is.
“New Year’s is a huge deal! There’s lots of eating and dancing and kissing. Everybody kisses at New Year’s!”
Connie asks, “everybody?”
Beebe goes on to make the point that you have to kiss whoever you’re with at midnight because it’s a tradition. She starts looking at Skeeter to make her point, because the girl who attends a school shaped like her own head isn’t exactly equipped with an ability for subtlety. Her little speech makes Skeeter have a small freakout where he chokes on his drink, but then he just orders another, so he’s maybe not too worried about kissing Beebe.
Doug now sees the party as an opportunity to complete his resolutions.
“If Patti’s going to kiss someone at midnight, I’m going to make sure it’s me.”
Skeeter takes a moment to connect the awful dots Doug just laid out. “Oh, I get it, man. Since kissing is a New Year’s tradition, Patti will have to kiss you. She’ll have no choice.”
“Yeah! I mean, no. I mean…if I could just give her one kiss, maybe she’d finally know how I really feel about her.” Skeeter bad. Doug not so bad, but still very questionable. Words would be a better way to tell someone how you feel about them.
So here’s a fantasy about how the party is going to go. Doug and Patti will be the only ones there. They will be dressed up. Doug will be playing the piano. Patti will be amazed by his talent and romance.
Not content to this level of admiration, Doug will take off his shoes, climb on top of the piano, and continue playing the piano with his toes.
He is just as good with his feet as he is with his hands. After he hands Patti a rose without disrupting the music he’s playing with his feet, Patti says, “I want you to kiss me like you’ve never kissed anyone before.”
After the fantasy, Doug exclaims, “SKEETER! I’ve never kissed anyone before! I don’t think I even know how!”
Roger overhears this (I mean, he wouldn’t have to be snooping either. Doug shouted it. Are Patti, Connie, and Beebe still sitting at the booth next to them because they’re probably hearing everything Skeeter and Doug are saying and awkward?) and begins his usual taunting.
After Roger calls him a loser, Doug asks how many girls he’s kissed. Roger pulls out a notepad.
After consulting his notes, Roger confirms that he kissed 97 girls at New Year’s last year. Skeeter asks how many of the girls actually wanted him to kiss. His reply is just awful.
“Who cares? The point is even a scammed kiss counts!” Roger says he’s going for a new record this year. If you were ever wondering what Roger might go to jail for, here’s a clue. Unfortunately, he now has money, so maybe don’t get your hopes up that he’ll receive a decent punishment when/if it happens.
Skeeter makes a joke about New Year’s being the only way Roger can get a kiss. Doug says, “yeah, but he sounded so…experienced, and I don’t know the first thing about kissing, unless you count my grandmother! I gotta learn fast, ‘cause when the clock strikes midnight, I’m gonna be right there with the perfect kiss.”
Oh, they are totally still sitting in the booth next to Doug and Skeeter, but judging by the smile on Patti’s face, they were too busy in conversation to hear the guys.
Here’s Doug getting ready to practice kissing.
Lucky for Porkchop, Doug has the balloon. Porkchop pops a tape into the VCR and it’s a Smash Adams movie. Doug intends to study the kissing techniques of Smash Adams.
Smash Adams is holding a woman in his arms as they snowboard off a cliff. Smash opens a parachute and they begin kissing shortly thereafter.
Their parachute snags on the roof of a building and they end up hanging upside down. Their kissing continues uninterrupted.
Doug practices.
Porkchop is embarrassed.
Judy catches him. Embarrassed, Doug can’t think of an excuse for his behavior. Judy says, “don’t tell me. You’re practicing for some loud, mindless, bourgeoisie New Year’s Eve bash where mob mentality forces you to kiss someone at midnight. Patti, perhaps?”
She takes the balloon from Doug, promising to show him the proper technique. She does a weird sort of French act before doing a bad impersonation of Patti, then she throws the balloon away and chases Doug around the room trying to kiss him.
After Smash Adams and Judy failed Doug, he turned to his next great source of information.
Fuck.
Really, this could go a lot worse than it does. It’s still a wholly useless learning experience for Doug though.
He hides this in an issue of The Amazing Man O Steel Man so no one can see what he’s reading.
Skeeter walks up behind him and sees what he’s reading. He blushes. Everyone in the store stares at him.
Skeeter says it’s a cool issue of Teen Mush Magazine and he’s already on step 32. Doug is too embarrassed to say anything but “oh” while he sheepishly puts the magazine back on the rack and walks away because he has that standard social anxiety disorder.
Doug stops by Lack Luster Video to pick up more movies for research. He’s literally back where he started. It gets sort of weird when he walks past the Pet Pagoda and sees a kissing fish in the window. He thinks maybe he should just imitate nature.
Roger sees him imitating the fish and mocks him. Doug tries to play it off like he’s been thinking about becoming a marine biologist. Roger says, “cut the chin wag, Funnie. Tomorrow night’s New Year’s Eve, and I don’t want to risk chapping my lips with idle conversation.” Shouldn’t have fucking started it then, Roger. Asshole.
That night, Doug is practicing his duckface in the mirror.
Phil and Theda are settling in for a night of shitty New Year’s TV and popcorn. Theda asks Judy if she’s going to a party, and Judy dismisses the idea with a short rant about how stupid it all is. She says she’s going to sit in her room and clean out the attic of her mind.
Doug catches his parents kissing and narrates, “it was kinda embarrassing. They are my parents after all, and really old. But they did look like they really liked each other.”
Theda asks if Doug is ready for Beebe’s party, and Phil asks if he has a ride over there. Doug says Mr. Dink is taking him. Mr. Dink is chaperoning. I guess being married to the mayor isn’t all ribbon cuttings and shopping sprees and cocaine addiction. Sometimes you just have to do a shitty job.
Meanwhile, Judy’s celebration is off to a great start. Unfortunately, she left her door open.
Theda and Phil start blowing some horns and disturb her peace. Rude.
At the party, Skeeter offers Doug some goat cheese and garlic hors d'doeuvres and he declines because of the breath issue..
So far, Doug’s piano fantasy is all wrong.
Doug starts eating carrots while Beebe drags Skeeter off to dance.
Guy approaches Doug and gives him a warm greeting because really, they are friends and Guy doesn’t know he’s an annoying shitbag. Doug says, “I thought you never went to seventh grade parties.”
“I don’t. I’m in the next room. With Bill Bluff! And the future captains of industry! Having a grown up party!”
In the Bluffington world, there are conspiracy theories on the internet about what happens at Bill Bluff’s Grown Up New Year’s Party for Eighth Grade Boys. Maybe there’s blurry pictures. Maybe it’s not so much a conspiracy as a series of court settlements for undisclosed amounts and charges.
After Guy leaves, Doug returns to his carrots. Patti enters and shouts from across the room, “hey, Doug! Great party, huh?”
“Yeah…great.”
Meanwhile, Judy is fucking bored with her meditation.
She calls her friend Cassius and gets an answering machine, I guess. I think that’s what it’s supposed to be. It starts, “hello, this is Cassius.”
Judy says hello and starts to say something but is cut off by Cassius saying, “we all know New Year’s Eve is a mindless ritual for the hoi polloi. HAPPY HOI POLLOI! HAHA!” A woman on the phone tells Cassius happy new year before making kissing noises. Maybe it’s not the answering machine. I don’t know. Either way, Judy hangs up in anger.
Back at the party, Doug is still standing alone, eating carrots. The clock goes from 9pm to 11pm. Doug has been standing there eating carrots the whole time. Chalky walks up and says, “eeeh, what’s up, Doug?”
Suddenly, I fucking love Chalky. Anyway, Chalky asks if Doug has made any New Year’s resolutions. Doug says he has just one. Chalky says, “yeah? Me too! I’ve decided to develop some character flaws. You know, people don’t like you when you’re too perfect?” Doug points out that he’s off to a good start since people don’t like it when other people talk with their mouth full of food.
Meanwhile, bored Judy wants to join her parents but still insists on making a thing of protesting it. They don’t care and she joins them.
What was the point of making the popcorn if you weren’t going to fucking eat it?
At the party, Doug is all out of carrots and terribly tired. He normally doesn’t stay up this late. Roger helps him out with a blast from his horn.
He just wants Doug to watch him set a new kissing record.
Doug looks at the clock and sees it is 11:30, then spots Patti across the room, chatting with Guy.
Instead of joining the conversation and maybe talking to Patti before his planned kiss, Doug dances his way over to Skeeter.
“Skeeter, it’s almost New Year’s! What if I blow it? What if I don’t kiss her right? What if I poke her in the eye with my nose? What if our teeth hit and cause a spark that hits the curtains and starts a fire!?”
“Wow…could happen, man.” Thanks, Skeeter.
Doug returns to the earlier fantasy for some reason. Patti is horrified by Doug’s kiss and pushes him away. As she stands up, he falls to the floor.
“Eww, where did you learn to kiss? On a balloon?”
“Well…yeah. But don’t leave! I’ll try harder next time!”
“There’ll never be a next time, loser!”
The fantasy ends with Doug screaming, “nooooo,” and in real life he starts backing up, as if recoiling from the horror of his imaginary failure. He backs into Patti.
She asks if he’s okay and he says he’s perfect. He then excuses himself and walks away. His plan to kiss her conflicts entirely with his plan to avoid her all night. After he leaves her alone and confused, Guy dances over.
Doug really starts to lose it here. He walks over to the snack table again, saying, “steady, Doug. Steady.” He mindlessly stuffs his face with food and mutters, “she was close. Very close.”
Beebe tells him she’s glad he’s enjoying the onion dip. He realizes he’s been eating onions and excuses himself. Beebe is briefly confused.
Doug finds a corner where he can brush his teeth.
You realize how easy this is for me, right?
It’s not midnight yet, but Roger’s already chasing girls for kisses.
…what?
Suddenly, Doug can’t find Patti. He’s looking everywhere but can’t find her. He asks Skeeter if he’s seen her.
Beebe says she left with Guy to go to another party. Doug asks Mr. Dink if he can give them a ride to some other parties for an emergency.
Being a responsible chaperone, Mr. Dink immediately agrees and they leave.
Doug barges into Al and Moo’s New Year’s party to ask the nerds if Guy and Patti are there.
Before Doug can actually ask about Patti, Al and Moo decide to show off their dancing shoes. They are programmed to perform any dance.
Mr. Dink says he must have the dancing shoes and Al and Moo say they are very expensive. Makes you wonder if they are actually his sons.
Doug finally gets to ask Moo if Patti and Guy have been around. Moo tells him they left just before he got here.
At the next party, the foreign exchange student party apparently, Doug, Skeeter, and Mr. Dink are forced into some sort of foreign conga hopping line.
Fentruck tells Doug Patti and Guy left just before he got here.
And here’s another party where Doug apparently just missed them.
Why are Guy and Patti going around to all these other parties? Who is driving them? You know what will really impress Patti? If you take her to Doug’s dog’s New Year’s party. Porkchop and his dog friends are really cool! Good thinking, Guy.
Doug, Skeeter, and Mr. Dink return to Beebe’s party just in time for the countdown . Doug is dejected. Skeeter reassures him that there’s always next year. For the countdown, Mr. Dink turns on his new, very expensive, dancing shoes. They immediately malfunction.
Roger starts going for the record with Connie. Here’s how that went.
Next, he tells Beebe she has something in her eye. She says, “really?” as if it’s possible she didn’t notice something in her eye but Roger did. He tells her he’ll get it.
At the time, she was enjoying a piece of pie, and after Roger steals a kiss, she slams the pie in his face.
What you can’t see in this picture…
…is the sound of Roger kissing other girls and getting slapped. Or getting food or drink thrown in his face. Doug narrates, “watching Roger, I was suddenly glad I didn’t try to steal a kiss from Patti.”
Doug has a fantasy about his first kiss.
“I wanted my first kiss to really mean something. To be something special. Not because it was New Year’s, but because Patti wanted me to kiss her.”
Why the fuck is everything on fire? Oh how romantic. All the poor people’s meager possessions are aflame, just like our hearts are for each other.
Doug says he wants his first kiss to be like his parents’ kiss, where it means something because they both really care about each other.
Meanwhile, Beebe is chasing down Skeeter to demand a kiss. He relents, and look how happy he is…
That’s not enough for her though.
I guess she’s better than Roger because she’s only forcing one person, but still…inappropriate.
Judy gets her midnight kisses from her sleeping parents.
WHAT IS THE FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS BOTTOMLESS BOWL OF POPCORN? WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THAT?
Doug is sitting outside the party with a tray of hors d'oeuvres when Patti approaches him, saying she’s been looking for him everywhere.
He says he’s been looking for her too, but then asks, “where’s Guy?”
“Guy? Ugh. Do you believe this whole New Year’s Eve was about Guy trying to steal a kiss from me?”
“Steal a kiss? That’s bad, isn’t it? So, what’d you do?”
“Well, I told him I was just at the party to have fun, and if this whole party was about kissing, then I was leaving!”
“Well, I’m glad you did.”
“Me too. At least with you, I can relax about all that kissing stuff. I’m just not ready for that yet.”
“Yeah, me neither.”
Roger runs up to them to brag about breaking his record. He’s covered in food.
He’s also committed several counts of sexual battery, and he’s openly bragging about it, so the mob of girls that chase him off is understandable. Doug asks Patti if she’s hungry and says “there might still be a little pie left that Roger’s not wearing,"
Everyone is excited about the new ride at Funky Town.
Al and Moo explain to Doug and Skeeter that the ride starts with a 5.9 earthquake, followed by a magnitude 6 volcano, and the twister is a 7. Skeeter is totally shocked. Doug asks, “what’s that?”
Skeeter asks, “you don’t know what a 7 is?”
“No, that music!”
This weird kid is practicing his tuba in line.
Skeeter sees Patti and Beebe walking away from the new ride and tells Beebe they’re going the wrong way. Beebe says she’s not going on the Natural Disaster Blaster because it’s scary what a velocity 7 twister could do to her hair.
You can see how much Skeeter cares.
Doug suggests, “you guys could go with us. I mean…it might be less scary that way.”
Skeeter does not approve of this idea.
Patti and Beebe agree to go with them. Doug and Patti get in a cart together while Beebe berates Skeeter. Skeeter just tries to tune out all the ways Beebe is covering Doug’s rudeness with her own brand of shittiness.
As the ride starts, Skeeter glares at Doug and says, “you owe me big time, man.” Fortunately, he says this so quiet no one else hears it or this episode might not be as interesting.
At school the next day, Mr. Bone calls for an assembly to talk about the weather.
The weatherman on the local news is warning about how the unusually high temperatures have melted snow packs in the mountains causing the Rollinona River to rise. Authorities are warning that the area could receive record flooding. Mr. Bone tries to reinforce the idea that this is a serious threat. He’s seen floods before and “it means water everywhere!” Roger tries to imagine what that would be like.
Inside his brain, he has a uh…brain fart.
This causes him to twitch in his seat and shout, “stupid brain!”
Mr. Bone leads the students outside so they can practice treading water.
While treading air, Doug asks Skeeter, “have you been avoiding me because I stuck you with Beebe?”
Skeeter says he hasn’t and he loves doing stuff with Doug. Doug asks if he wants to go to the arcade after school, and Skeeter says he doesn’t. He offers no explanation. He just walks away. Or treads away. Meanwhile, Mr. Bone starts yelling at Skunky for this.
Mr. Bone is a jackass. How is this an unacceptable preparation for a flood? Anyway, Mr. Bone drags Skunky to detention.
Doug tries to make up for his rudeness during the rest of the week by suggesting fun activities to Skeeter. First, he has this telescope and wants to use it to find the Lucky Duck Monster.
Skeeter says he has to go buy shoes.
Doug suggests they watch this Smash Adams movie.
Skeeter says he has to go get some shoes.
Doug again suggest they find the Lucky Duck Monster.
Skeeter again says he has to get shoes.
Doug has a fantasy about how Skeeter has gone overboard with the shoe thing. Skeeter is in his room talking to his shoes like they are pets, and giving them stupid names.
That afternoon, Doug and Patti are helping prepare for the flood.
Doug asks her, “and if he’s still mad I stuck him with Beebe, why doesn’t he just come out and yell at me or something?”
Patti suggests that maybe he’s not mad. Maybe he’s just busy. She says things like this are like a hurricane and you have to wait for it to blow over. Doug understands this. He says it makes sense. Then he says he’ll force it anyway.
The next day, he has yet another activity he wants to do with Skeeter. He wants to go see Tidal Wave Madness.
Skeeter says he’s busy, and also Tidal Wave Madness is plebeian. Doug takes great offense at this. How could the great Tidal Wave Madness be plebeian? Skeeter doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Or rather, Doug doesn’t know what plebeian means. In the library, he looks up the word.
“Unrefined or vulgar. See: Tidal Wave Madness.”
Doug accepts that Skeeter was right, then overhears Skeeter whispering about the movie.
Doug finds Skeeter raving about Tidal Wave Madness to Skunky. Doug confronts him about this because this is a reasonable thing for Doug to be upset about, I guess. This is something Skeeter could have admitted earlier, instead of just insulting Doug’s taste in movies. Skeeter could have said he already saw the movie and it was great, but he just made Doug feel stupid instead. And now, when confronted, he stammers about needing shoes and runs away.
Back in the auditorium, Roger is still trying to imagine water everywhere.
This time his brain doesn’t fart. He imagines water rushing over everything, pushing cars around like they’re nothing.
Ned interrupts this fantasy to tell Roger he can leave now. “The assembly has been over for like…3 days.”
Rickets.
Roger has an idea and it doesn’t make sense. Since the flood is going to be the biggest thing to hit this town, Roger plans to own it. His goons don’t know what this means. How could they?
That afternoon, Doug visits places he says he used to frequent with Skeeter. First there was Mt. Saint Buster.
Apparently, they liked to climb this mountain. Doug hallucinates their ghostly forms climbing.
There’s a hot dog stand where they apparently ate 100 hot dogs each.
There’s so much about this image that I love I don’t know where to begin. First, I guess, I fucking need that fountain in the back. Second, the hot dog vendor is just staring blankly, probably regretting the choices he made that led to this moment.
“What do you want to be when you grow up, Chuck?”
“I want to sell hot dogs at the park. It’ll be so great! I get to stand all day, outside in the sun and the bugs, serving hot dogs to the imaginary ghosts of passersby. I might never be rich, but I’ll get to work near the fountain of the child riding the fish. Not many people will be able to say that! I pity them.”
Anyway, next Doug visits a store called the Knitting Kneedle. He says they used to buy brightly colored yarn here.
“And then I remembered…we never did any of that stuff!”
Doug just took us on a trip down a memory lane that never fucking happened.
Doug hears Skeeter laughing and sees him exit a flower shop. To someone inside, Skeeter says they need to get going if they want to get some brightly colored yarns. Doug is glad to finally get to see who has been taking up all of Skeeter’s time.
As Doug sees this, dramatic music plays. Doug turns to these guys…
…and tells them to knock it off.
Doug, Skeeter, and Beebe take turns exclaiming each others’ names until they all say at once, “I gotta go.” They walk in three different directions.
In some unlabeled, plain building, a man is telling Roger they can’t do it.
Roger points out a couple of named tropical storms and hurricanes. The man says they don’t name floods. Roger says, “maybe a few dead presidents would get you to change your mind.”
The man takes great offense at being offered a bribe. Roger takes greater offense at the idea of a bribe. He wasn’t talking about a bribe. He points to the other side of the room where Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Teddy Roosevelt are standing. The national weather service man is stunned. Somehow this works and the people on the news are now calling it Flood Roger. Meanwhile, Roger has to pay his actors.
The man playing Lincoln tells Roger, “if you ever need a moose, I do a great moose.”
Back at the sandbagging operation, Doug is shocked to discover that Patti knew about Skeeter and Beebe.
She says it was obvious. Instead of letting Doug damage his back, she picks up the bag of sand and puts it into place for him.
While Patti gets a cup of water, as a break from all the work she’s doing, Doug says that Skeeter never had a thing for girls before. She says, “yeah, right! How about Loretta LeQuigly? Muffy Silverson? And that girl that dressed like him?”
If you needed more proof that Doug is an unreliable narrator, here it is. He’s missed so many obvious details about his best friend. What else has his missed? What has he just completely misinterpreted?
While they return to the weirdest, most inefficient sandbagging operation, Doug asks, “but Beebe? Of all people…”
Patti points out that you can’t help how you feel about a person. She makes him realize Skeeter can’t help liking Beebe the same way he can’t help liking her. Roger interrupts their work to taunt them.
His voice echos so they can’t understand him. He yells again, “YOU CAN’T STOP FLOOD ROGER!”
They still can’t hear him. He steps forward to repeat it, but falls into the river.
The river is currently ankle deep. At the beginning of the episode, the weatherman warned that the river was rising dangerously, but here’s proof that the whole flood scare is bullshit. Doug, Patti and several other volunteers are sandbagging the river banks when they clearly don’t need to waste their time.
At Mr. Swirly, Doug finally asks Skeeter about his relation ship with Beebe. Skeeter tries to pretend he doesn’t know what Doug is talking about.
Skeeter says he was hoping Doug forgot. Beebe told him to tell everybody he was getting shoes. “She’s kinda sensitive about people finding out.”
Skeeter explains how they started dating. When they were riding the Natural Disaster Blaster, she was barking orders at him as if he was driving.
Something happens to her brain when he points out that he isn’t driving. She stares at him, her eyes turn into hearts, and she says, “you’re so cool.”
He says it felt right. He took her home that night and she acts like she wants him to kiss her at her front door. He doesn’t and she yells at him that he shouldn’t tell anyone before slamming the door.
On the way home, Skeeter is lost in thought and almost walks into traffic. A traffic officer saves him.
This kicks off a musical number called Swingin’ in the Wind.
This is an obvious reference.
Instead of an umbrella, they gave Skeeter a Beebe made of leaves to dance with.
Now that Doug knows, there’s no reason for Beebe and Skeeter to keep their relationship a secret, apparently. At lunch the next day, Skeeter says he likes her voice best. Meanwhile she’s yelling at a cafeteria worker.
She sits next to Skeeter and Doug can’t handle the situation.
Now, we get a short montage of scenes to demonstrate how unbearable Skeeter has become because of Beebe.
“What are you doing, Poo Poo?”
“I’m painting a picture. What are you doing, Skeet Skeet?”
“Oooh! Would you look at these little footies? Oh, they’ll look so cute on Beebe’s little feet.”
“Eeew…you’re aunt give you an early birthday present?”
Actually, Beebe bought it for him. Doug asks if him wants to hang out and he says he can’t. He’s having a weenie roast in the backyard. Doug mistakes this for an invitation (for some reason. It’s pretty clear it isn’t an invitation) and Skeeter has to explain that it’s just for his parents and Beebe. Doug realizes that he’s not Skeeter’s best friend anymore and decides to give him a taste of his own medicine.
Now, a normal person, if they somehow came to this conclusion, would think this meant that he would finally ask Patti out and become one half of an insufferable couple. That would really show Skeeter how it feels, somehow. I mean, if he bothered to notice. Doug, however, decides to find a new best friend the crazy way. He asks the members of the A/V Chess Club if any of them needs a best friend.
All three of them raise a hand. Without really thinking about it, Doug picks Elmo. Elmo is the kid that was playing the tuba earlier.
Doug tries to make Skeeter jealous by telling him they’re going to go look for the Lucky Duck Monster tomorrow. Elmo does a sad impression of Skeeter by saying, “cool, man. Beep beep.”
Skeeter says he doesn’t have time for that. He’s going to Funky Town with Beebe because it is their two week anniversary. Doug mocks him, but this is completely ignored. Skeeter says he’s trying to finish a song he wrote for her.
“Love you are my piece of cheese
my potato chip, my heart’s trapeze
you warm me up like anti-freeze”
Doug finishes for him, “now take an extended trip over seas!” This cracks Doug the fuck up. Elmo remains expressionless. Skeeter says he doesn’t think it’s funny. Doug says he’d need a vacation after two weeks with Beebe.
“Man! I should’ve known you’d be jealous! Just ‘cuz Patti won’t give you the time of day!”
“What!? What are you talking about, Mr. Goo Goo Ga Ga?”
Doug mocks Skeeter’s earlier enthusiasm for the footies and Skeeter walks away. Doug continues mocking him.
“Yeah, go ahead. Walk away. I’m not talking to you anymore, Skeeter Valentine. Do ya hear me? And you know what? Your shirt looks like someone named Poo Poo picked it out! And…you’re not my friend anymore!”
The news keeps playing up the flood disaster.
They have an announcement from the mayor. Mayor Dink says, “I’ve called you here to tell you that we’re still waiting for an update from the engineer corp concerning further releases of water into the Rollinona, which could cause a rise in Flood Rodney.”
“ROGER! IT’S FLOOD ROGER!”
“Note to self: impeach mayor. Oh yeah…eat more cheese.”
I guess when you bribe a public official by paying actors to pretend to be either time traveling presidents or ghosts of presidents, you should be pissed when you don’t get your money’s worth.
In his room, Doug is pacing around, unable to cope with the Skeeter and Beebe situation.
He determines that someone has to save Skeeter.
Remember how Doug made plans with Elmo to look for the Lucky Duck Monster? Well, fuck those plans and fuck Elmo. Doug has to save Skeeter and to do that he has to go to Funky Town. But he can’t go without a disguise.
I know you’re worried that, well, this is obviously a poor disguise. This is obviously just Doug wearing a fake mustache. Don’t worry. This is only half of the disguise.
Where’d Doug go? Who is this old man in the sunglasses?
Before we get to Doug’s undefined plan to save Skeeter, we finally get a glimpse at how Roger plans to profit from the flood.
I chose to believe Roger and his goons are the type of people that protest the national spelling bee, rather than four kids that know how to spell “survived” but not “flood.”
Doug’s first attempt at saving Skeeter is incredibly pathetic. He follows Skeeter and Beebe onto the bumper cars. When he sees Skeeter and Beebe stop next to each other so Skeeter can give her a flower, he charges.
They fail to notice Doug and drive away. He misses them completely and drives through the barrier. He loses control of the bumper car and ends up in some water.
I don’t understand how Doug thinks this was supposed to work. Imagine he collided with the Skeeter and Beebe. What then? This isn’t an episode of Gilligan’s Island where Skeeter bumped his head and did something uncharacteristic and he just needed another bump to reverse the change. Skeeter and Beebe would just be annoyed with him. Doug’s next plan makes about as much sense as this one.
Hiding behind one of those stupid fortune telling machines, Doug sees them walking his way. He quickly scribbles something on a small piece of paper and hides in the machine. He thinks, “I’ll give them a fortune they’ll never forget.”
Beebe searches through her purse and says, “oops. Nothing smaller than a hundred. Another time, I guess.” They walk away and Doug’s shitty plan is foiled again. But wait, there’s more!
Another couple approach the machine and actually have the quarter it takes to get a meaningless fortune.
“Swami says, "if you want to lose 80 lbs of unsightly fat, dump the girlfriend.”
Another shitty plan foiled.
Doug is now spying on them without his disguise. They’re about to take their anniversary ride.
Elmo approaches with his tuba and asks his best friend Doug what he’s doing here. Before Doug can explain, Elmo see’s Skeeter and Beebe and says, “oh, I see.”
“That’s the ride that started it all. Skeeter and I would still be best friends if he hadn’t pushed me aside to be with Beebe!”
“Whoa! Hey! Whoa there, best friend! That is not what happened.”
“What are you saying? What kind of friend are you?”
“The kind with a photographic memory. I was there. You were the one who said, 'I’ll ride with Patti.’”
Finally, Doug realizes it’s all his fault. Also, Skeeter only wanted to hang around with Beebe the same way he wanted to hang around with Patti. It’s pretty funny when you consider that he was hanging around with Patti twice while volunteering but all he could think about was Skeeter. He finally realizes he’s just been jealous.
Here’s something truly depressing: Porkchop bought Flud Roger gear.
Or rather, Doug bought some Flud Roger gear for Porkchop because Porkchop is just a dog and dogs don’t have money or know how to buy things because they are dogs. I don’t know where Doug is getting all this money for weekly Funky Town trips and Mr. Swirly and Flud Roger gear.
At Mr. Swirly, Doug finally apologizes for how’s he acted. He says he’s really psyched Skeeter and Beebe are seeing each other. Skeeter says they broke up.
Appropriate responses all around.
Skeeter says she broke up with him because he made some kind of honking sound. Skeeter tries to apologize to Doug for how he behaved, but Doug tells him to forget it. As for Flood Roger…
“Though annoying for anyone living near the river, Flood Roger turned out to be little more than a puny trickle.”
The episode ends with Roger jumping up and down on the dam, cursing it for failing to break. Roger is a fucking monster.
Wed, 01 Jun 2016 19:42:44Al and Moo explain to Doug and Skeeter that the ride starts with a 5.9 earthquake, followed by a magnitude 6 volcano, and the twister is a 7. Skeeter is totally shocked. Doug asks, “what’s that?”
Skeeter asks, “you don’t know what a 7 is?”
“No, that music!”
This weird kid is practicing his tuba in line.
Skeeter sees Patti and Beebe walking away from the new ride and tells Beebe they’re going the wrong way. Beebe says she’s not going on the Natural Disaster Blaster because it’s scary what a velocity 7 twister could do to her hair.
You can see how much Skeeter cares.
Doug suggests, “you guys could go with us. I mean…it might be less scary that way.”
Skeeter does not approve of this idea.
Patti and Beebe agree to go with them. Doug and Patti get in a cart together while Beebe berates Skeeter. Skeeter just tries to tune out all the ways Beebe is covering Doug’s rudeness with her own brand of shittiness.
As the ride starts, Skeeter glares at Doug and says, “you owe me big time, man.” Fortunately, he says this so quiet no one else hears it or this episode might not be as interesting.
At school the next day, Mr. Bone calls for an assembly to talk about the weather.
The weatherman on the local news is warning about how the unusually high temperatures have melted snow packs in the mountains causing the Rollinona River to rise. Authorities are warning that the area could receive record flooding. Mr. Bone tries to reinforce the idea that this is a serious threat. He’s seen floods before and “it means water everywhere!” Roger tries to imagine what that would be like.
Inside his brain, he has a uh…brain fart.
This causes him to twitch in his seat and shout, “stupid brain!”
Mr. Bone leads the students outside so they can practice treading water.
While treading air, Doug asks Skeeter, “have you been avoiding me because I stuck you with Beebe?”
Skeeter says he hasn’t and he loves doing stuff with Doug. Doug asks if he wants to go to the arcade after school, and Skeeter says he doesn’t. He offers no explanation. He just walks away. Or treads away. Meanwhile, Mr. Bone starts yelling at Skunky for this.
Mr. Bone is a jackass. How is this an unacceptable preparation for a flood? Anyway, Mr. Bone drags Skunky to detention.
Doug tries to make up for his rudeness during the rest of the week by suggesting fun activities to Skeeter. First, he has this telescope and wants to use it to find the Lucky Duck Monster.
Skeeter says he has to go buy shoes.
Doug suggests they watch this Smash Adams movie.
Skeeter says he has to go get some shoes.
Doug again suggest they find the Lucky Duck Monster.
Skeeter again says he has to get shoes.
Doug has a fantasy about how Skeeter has gone overboard with the shoe thing. Skeeter is in his room talking to his shoes like they are pets, and giving them stupid names.
That afternoon, Doug and Patti are helping prepare for the flood.
Doug asks her, “and if he’s still mad I stuck him with Beebe, why doesn’t he just come out and yell at me or something?”
Patti suggests that maybe he’s not mad. Maybe he’s just busy. She says things like this are like a hurricane and you have to wait for it to blow over. Doug understands this. He says it makes sense. Then he says he’ll force it anyway.
The next day, he has yet another activity he wants to do with Skeeter. He wants to go see Tidal Wave Madness.
Skeeter says he’s busy, and also Tidal Wave Madness is plebeian. Doug takes great offense at this. How could the great Tidal Wave Madness be plebeian? Skeeter doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Or rather, Doug doesn’t know what plebeian means. In the library, he looks up the word.
“Unrefined or vulgar. See: Tidal Wave Madness.”
Doug accepts that Skeeter was right, then overhears Skeeter whispering about the movie.
Doug finds Skeeter raving about Tidal Wave Madness to Skunky. Doug confronts him about this because this is a reasonable thing for Doug to be upset about, I guess. This is something Skeeter could have admitted earlier, instead of just insulting Doug’s taste in movies. Skeeter could have said he already saw the movie and it was great, but he just made Doug feel stupid instead. And now, when confronted, he stammers about needing shoes and runs away.
Back in the auditorium, Roger is still trying to imagine water everywhere.
This time his brain doesn’t fart. He imagines water rushing over everything, pushing cars around like they’re nothing.
Ned interrupts this fantasy to tell Roger he can leave now. “The assembly has been over for like…3 days.”
Rickets.
Roger has an idea and it doesn’t make sense. Since the flood is going to be the biggest thing to hit this town, Roger plans to own it. His goons don’t know what this means. How could they?
That afternoon, Doug visits places he says he used to frequent with Skeeter. First there was Mt. Saint Buster.
Apparently, they liked to climb this mountain. Doug hallucinates their ghostly forms climbing.
There’s a hot dog stand where they apparently ate 100 hot dogs each.
There’s so much about this image that I love I don’t know where to begin. First, I guess, I fucking need that fountain in the back. Second, the hot dog vendor is just staring blankly, probably regretting the choices he made that led to this moment.
“What do you want to be when you grow up, Chuck?”
“I want to sell hot dogs at the park. It’ll be so great! I get to stand all day, outside in the sun and the bugs, serving hot dogs to the imaginary ghosts of passersby. I might never be rich, but I’ll get to work near the fountain of the child riding the fish. Not many people will be able to say that! I pity them.”
Anyway, next Doug visits a store called the Knitting Kneedle. He says they used to buy brightly colored yarn here.
“And then I remembered…we never did any of that stuff!”
Doug just took us on a trip down a memory lane that never fucking happened.
Doug hears Skeeter laughing and sees him exit a flower shop. To someone inside, Skeeter says they need to get going if they want to get some brightly colored yarns. Doug is glad to finally get to see who has been taking up all of Skeeter’s time.
As Doug sees this, dramatic music plays. Doug turns to these guys…
…and tells them to knock it off.
Doug, Skeeter, and Beebe take turns exclaiming each others’ names until they all say at once, “I gotta go.” They walk in three different directions.
In some unlabeled, plain building, a man is telling Roger they can’t do it.
Roger points out a couple of named tropical storms and hurricanes. The man says they don’t name floods. Roger says, “maybe a few dead presidents would get you to change your mind.”
The man takes great offense at being offered a bribe. Roger takes greater offense at the idea of a bribe. He wasn’t talking about a bribe. He points to the other side of the room where Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Teddy Roosevelt are standing. The national weather service man is stunned. Somehow this works and the people on the news are now calling it Flood Roger. Meanwhile, Roger has to pay his actors.
The man playing Lincoln tells Roger, “if you ever need a moose, I do a great moose.”
Back at the sandbagging operation, Doug is shocked to discover that Patti knew about Skeeter and Beebe.
She says it was obvious. Instead of letting Doug damage his back, she picks up the bag of sand and puts it into place for him.
While Patti gets a cup of water, as a break from all the work she’s doing, Doug says that Skeeter never had a thing for girls before. She says, “yeah, right! How about Loretta LeQuigly? Muffy Silverson? And that girl that dressed like him?”
If you needed more proof that Doug is an unreliable narrator, here it is. He’s missed so many obvious details about his best friend. What else has his missed? What has he just completely misinterpreted?
While they return to the weirdest, most inefficient sandbagging operation, Doug asks, “but Beebe? Of all people…”
Patti points out that you can’t help how you feel about a person. She makes him realize Skeeter can’t help liking Beebe the same way he can’t help liking her. Roger interrupts their work to taunt them.
His voice echos so they can’t understand him. He yells again, “YOU CAN’T STOP FLOOD ROGER!”
They still can’t hear him. He steps forward to repeat it, but falls into the river.
The river is currently ankle deep. At the beginning of the episode, the weatherman warned that the river was rising dangerously, but here’s proof that the whole flood scare is bullshit. Doug, Patti and several other volunteers are sandbagging the river banks when they clearly don’t need to waste their time.
At Mr. Swirly, Doug finally asks Skeeter about his relation ship with Beebe. Skeeter tries to pretend he doesn’t know what Doug is talking about.
Skeeter says he was hoping Doug forgot. Beebe told him to tell everybody he was getting shoes. “She’s kinda sensitive about people finding out.”
Skeeter explains how they started dating. When they were riding the Natural Disaster Blaster, she was barking orders at him as if he was driving.
Something happens to her brain when he points out that he isn’t driving. She stares at him, her eyes turn into hearts, and she says, “you’re so cool.”
He says it felt right. He took her home that night and she acts like she wants him to kiss her at her front door. He doesn’t and she yells at him that he shouldn’t tell anyone before slamming the door.
On the way home, Skeeter is lost in thought and almost walks into traffic. A traffic officer saves him.
This kicks off a musical number called Swingin’ in the Wind.
This is an obvious reference.
Instead of an umbrella, they gave Skeeter a Beebe made of leaves to dance with.
Now that Doug knows, there’s no reason for Beebe and Skeeter to keep their relationship a secret, apparently. At lunch the next day, Skeeter says he likes her voice best. Meanwhile she’s yelling at a cafeteria worker.
She sits next to Skeeter and Doug can’t handle the situation.
Now, we get a short montage of scenes to demonstrate how unbearable Skeeter has become because of Beebe.
“What are you doing, Poo Poo?”
“I’m painting a picture. What are you doing, Skeet Skeet?”
“Oooh! Would you look at these little footies? Oh, they’ll look so cute on Beebe’s little feet.”
“Eeew…you’re aunt give you an early birthday present?”
Actually, Beebe bought it for him. Doug asks if him wants to hang out and he says he can’t. He’s having a weenie roast in the backyard. Doug mistakes this for an invitation (for some reason. It’s pretty clear it isn’t an invitation) and Skeeter has to explain that it’s just for his parents and Beebe. Doug realizes that he’s not Skeeter’s best friend anymore and decides to give him a taste of his own medicine.
Now, a normal person, if they somehow came to this conclusion, would think this meant that he would finally ask Patti out and become one half of an insufferable couple. That would really show Skeeter how it feels, somehow. I mean, if he bothered to notice. Doug, however, decides to find a new best friend the crazy way. He asks the members of the A/V Chess Club if any of them needs a best friend.
All three of them raise a hand. Without really thinking about it, Doug picks Elmo. Elmo is the kid that was playing the tuba earlier.
Doug tries to make Skeeter jealous by telling him they’re going to go look for the Lucky Duck Monster tomorrow. Elmo does a sad impression of Skeeter by saying, “cool, man. Beep beep.”
Skeeter says he doesn’t have time for that. He’s going to Funky Town with Beebe because it is their two week anniversary. Doug mocks him, but this is completely ignored. Skeeter says he’s trying to finish a song he wrote for her.
“Love you are my piece of cheese
my potato chip, my heart’s trapeze
you warm me up like anti-freeze”
Doug finishes for him, “now take an extended trip over seas!” This cracks Doug the fuck up. Elmo remains expressionless. Skeeter says he doesn’t think it’s funny. Doug says he’d need a vacation after two weeks with Beebe.
“Man! I should’ve known you’d be jealous! Just ‘cuz Patti won’t give you the time of day!”
“What!? What are you talking about, Mr. Goo Goo Ga Ga?”
Doug mocks Skeeter’s earlier enthusiasm for the footies and Skeeter walks away. Doug continues mocking him.
“Yeah, go ahead. Walk away. I’m not talking to you anymore, Skeeter Valentine. Do ya hear me? And you know what? Your shirt looks like someone named Poo Poo picked it out! And…you’re not my friend anymore!”
The news keeps playing up the flood disaster.
They have an announcement from the mayor. Mayor Dink says, “I’ve called you here to tell you that we’re still waiting for an update from the engineer corp concerning further releases of water into the Rollinona, which could cause a rise in Flood Rodney.”
“ROGER! IT’S FLOOD ROGER!”
“Note to self: impeach mayor. Oh yeah…eat more cheese.”
I guess when you bribe a public official by paying actors to pretend to be either time traveling presidents or ghosts of presidents, you should be pissed when you don’t get your money’s worth.
In his room, Doug is pacing around, unable to cope with the Skeeter and Beebe situation.
He determines that someone has to save Skeeter.
Remember how Doug made plans with Elmo to look for the Lucky Duck Monster? Well, fuck those plans and fuck Elmo. Doug has to save Skeeter and to do that he has to go to Funky Town. But he can’t go without a disguise.
I know you’re worried that, well, this is obviously a poor disguise. This is obviously just Doug wearing a fake mustache. Don’t worry. This is only half of the disguise.
Where’d Doug go? Who is this old man in the sunglasses?
Before we get to Doug’s undefined plan to save Skeeter, we finally get a glimpse at how Roger plans to profit from the flood.
I chose to believe Roger and his goons are the type of people that protest the national spelling bee, rather than four kids that know how to spell “survived” but not “flood.”
Doug’s first attempt at saving Skeeter is incredibly pathetic. He follows Skeeter and Beebe onto the bumper cars. When he sees Skeeter and Beebe stop next to each other so Skeeter can give her a flower, he charges.
They fail to notice Doug and drive away. He misses them completely and drives through the barrier. He loses control of the bumper car and ends up in some water.
I don’t understand how Doug thinks this was supposed to work. Imagine he collided with the Skeeter and Beebe. What then? This isn’t an episode of Gilligan’s Island where Skeeter bumped his head and did something uncharacteristic and he just needed another bump to reverse the change. Skeeter and Beebe would just be annoyed with him. Doug’s next plan makes about as much sense as this one.
Hiding behind one of those stupid fortune telling machines, Doug sees them walking his way. He quickly scribbles something on a small piece of paper and hides in the machine. He thinks, “I’ll give them a fortune they’ll never forget.”
Beebe searches through her purse and says, “oops. Nothing smaller than a hundred. Another time, I guess.” They walk away and Doug’s shitty plan is foiled again. But wait, there’s more!
Another couple approach the machine and actually have the quarter it takes to get a meaningless fortune.
“Swami says, "if you want to lose 80 lbs of unsightly fat, dump the girlfriend.”
Another shitty plan foiled.
Doug is now spying on them without his disguise. They’re about to take their anniversary ride.
Elmo approaches with his tuba and asks his best friend Doug what he’s doing here. Before Doug can explain, Elmo see’s Skeeter and Beebe and says, “oh, I see.”
“That’s the ride that started it all. Skeeter and I would still be best friends if he hadn’t pushed me aside to be with Beebe!”
“Whoa! Hey! Whoa there, best friend! That is not what happened.”
“What are you saying? What kind of friend are you?”
“The kind with a photographic memory. I was there. You were the one who said, 'I’ll ride with Patti.’”
Finally, Doug realizes it’s all his fault. Also, Skeeter only wanted to hang around with Beebe the same way he wanted to hang around with Patti. It’s pretty funny when you consider that he was hanging around with Patti twice while volunteering but all he could think about was Skeeter. He finally realizes he’s just been jealous.
Here’s something truly depressing: Porkchop bought Flud Roger gear.
Or rather, Doug bought some Flud Roger gear for Porkchop because Porkchop is just a dog and dogs don’t have money or know how to buy things because they are dogs. I don’t know where Doug is getting all this money for weekly Funky Town trips and Mr. Swirly and Flud Roger gear.
At Mr. Swirly, Doug finally apologizes for how’s he acted. He says he’s really psyched Skeeter and Beebe are seeing each other. Skeeter says they broke up.
Appropriate responses all around.
Skeeter says she broke up with him because he made some kind of honking sound. Skeeter tries to apologize to Doug for how he behaved, but Doug tells him to forget it. As for Flood Roger…
“Though annoying for anyone living near the river, Flood Roger turned out to be little more than a puny trickle.”
The episode ends with Roger jumping up and down on the dam, cursing it for failing to break. Roger is a fucking monster.
