#skeeter valentine

Doug, Patti, Skeeter, Porkchop, and Dirtbike are rocking out to The Beets.

They’re enjoying a broadcast of a Beets concert. Doug narrates that they’ve always been his favorite group, when they are still a group. The concert is interrupted in the middle of a song by breaking news that The Beets have once again broken up. Doug, Patti, Skeeter, Porkchop and Dirtbike don’t stop dancing while discussing this news. Doug is a little disappointed. Patti says they’ll get back together. Judy intrudes on their fun, and asks Doug why he insists on destroying his brain with that commercial pap. She turns off the tv.

She wants to play her latest artistic composition that “proves there is more to music than rhythm and melody.” Her tape is a series of loud, disharmonic sounds that causes everyone else in the room to cover their ears and wail for it to be turned off, while Judy is doing some sort of interpretive dance.

She stops the tape only because their wailing is the perfect sound to add to it, and she must record it.

Lunch talk at school the next day is all about The Beets. There’s rumors that Flounder is starting a new band in Bluffington, looking for a new direction in music.

Doug says he hopes he doesn’t change too much. He likes the sound of The Beets. He gets up to put his tray away, but his sock snags on the table and he trips.

Roger promptly mocks Doug for wearing big, loose socks.

Today is Phil and Theda’s anniversary. Theda loves the present Doug got them.

It’s just a photo of Doug and Porkchop in an apparently handmade frame. Phil is also pleased, though the screenshot I took makes it look like he thinks it sucks.

Judy stands up to dedicate her new performance piece to her parents. The piece is called “Savage Cheese.” Before she begins, the doorbell rings. Theda jumps up to answer it, presumably eager to delay “Savage Cheese” as much as possible.

At the door is a Skin Deep Beauty representative.

She’s trying to sell makeup by the bucket, which is a good indication that it is crap. There are a number of things that are totally reasonable to sell this way. Certain fruits or nuts, perhaps. An overflowing bucket of makeup is an overflowing bucket of crap.

The woman is offering a make-over and Theda doesn’t much care for the idea. The woman gives her a card, in case she wants to try beauty, Skin Deep. It’s really a terrible business model to take an idiom that means conventional beauty is a poor indicator of personal character, name your company after that idiom, and then go around telling everyone they need to look beautiful. I can see that you are a person with no or poor character; won’t you buy a bucket of makeup so you can at least look pretty? Furthermore, you know what women need? Strangers ringing their doorbell to tell them they should try to be beautiful, for a change. Aren’t you tired of how you look? I’ve got a bucket of makeup here and surely something in this bucket can do something to make your face look better. I mean, I hope. You’re not giving me a lot to work with here, Theda!

Anyway…

Theda returns to her family, already thinking about getting that make-over. Phil asks who was at the door and she explains. Phil thinks the idea is kind of ridiculous. Doug likes that she always looks the same. Judy is happy her mother isn’t a slave to fashion. With each of their responses, they have made the idea of a make-over that much more intriguing.

Finally, Theda opens the gift Phil got her for their anniversary. She is excited until she sees what it is. Then she’s confused. Phil explains that it’s a waffle iron that makes waffles in the shape of Marlaine LeFlame.

Phil is too enthusiastic about this dumb shit gift to see that Theda is annoyed.

Meanwhile, Flounder is rehearsing with his new band.

Yeah, those guys. Flounder stops rehearsal because he needs a new sound. Right now they sound too much like The Beets. While he’s thinking, an explosion of incomprehensible sounds excites him. The engineer in the booth apologizes and explains that the sounds are just some “nutty tape I recorded for a girl as a favor to my cousin Cassius.” Flounder likes the shit.

At the Funnie house, Theda is doing nothing in the kitchen. She’s just standing there, hearing echoes of her family’s comments about her looks. She uses the waffle iron as a mirror before pulling the Skin Deep card out of her pocket.

Porkchop starts freaking out about something happening outside. Doug jumps up to see what’s going on.

Seeing Flounder walking up to his front door immediately triggers a fantasy.

Flounder knows Doug is really busy with middle school, but he needs a new sound.

Doug is the only one who can help him.

Granted Flounder’s fashion isn’t far off from Doug’s to begin with (it’s really pretty close to Philip J. Fry’s…) but I like the detail in Doug’s fantasy. When you ask Doug for a new sound, you get a banjo, a sweater vest, and a baseball shirt.

How else could this interaction go?

After the fantasy, Doug answers the door and Flounder asks for Judy.

Doug confirms that she lives here but asks why he’d want to talk to her. Before Flounder can explain, Judy comes to the door.

Flounder says he wanted to meet the person who made that tape of shitty noises. She starts to be a condescending, pretentious asshole to him, but he interrupts her to tell her how much he liked the tape. She says she was just working on her latest piece that “expresses the indifference of society to artistic otherness of the other.” So she plays that for him. Doug is perplexed.

They sat on the front porch listening to Judy’s crap for hours. Doug is thoroughly annoyed by this, so Porkchop (who has been listening to his own music on a walkman) struts in and shuts Doug’s fucking window. Why didn’t Doug think of this extremely simple solution? Because he’s fucking stupid. His dog is smarter than he is.

Toward the end of the night, Flounder is just agreeing with every stupid pretentious thing Judy says. She’s skeptical of his commitment to being a pretentious asshole, but none of that matters once he finally asks her if she wants to get coffee sometime. She tries to hide her excitement and comes up with a pretty good cover for how getting coffee somehow plays into her above-it-all persona.

I don’t know how old Flounder is supposed to be, but I’m not sure it matters because Judy is still in high school and it is fucking creepy that they have started dating.

And he started dressing like her! It sort of weirdly implies that Doug’s fantasy involved Flounder dating him.

Doug says it wasn’t long before everyone started talking about Flounder and Judy. Beebe and Connie flag him down at lunch and insist he sit with them even though he hasn’t even grabbed his lunch yet.

Neither has Connie for that matter…

They want to know if the rumors are true. Doug is hesitant, but confirms that Judy and Flounder are dating. Beebe offers him some imported chocolates. Connie compliments his hair.

Now that he has a rock star in the family, they are interested. Connie is particularly interested in his newfound ability to get front row tickets to certain concerts. Doug doesn’t know about any concert, so Beebe says Flounder has a concert next Friday with his new band. Before Doug can think about being indignant about their disingenuous affection for him, Roger interrupts.

“Hey, Funnie! About those socks…”
“Cut it out, Roger.”
“They’re very cool.”

Scroll back up and look at how angry Boomer, Willie, and Ned are. They may be wearing loose socks, but they are fucking pissed at Doug. Anyway, this is a fucking ridiculous ploy. Roger is rich. When faced with two options, flaunting his wealth or sucking up to Doug, he chose to suck up to Doug in such a stupid way.

Walking through the halls at school, everyone says hello to him. Doug doesn’t understand his popularity, somehow. I mean, it’s not hard to imagine Doug doing the same kind of sucking up to someone else in a similar situation, is it?

After school, Doug asks Patti and Skeeter, “if I can get front row tickets to the concert, do you guys want to come?” Of course they do. If he can get tickets. Connie intrudes and wants Doug to promise he’ll get her a ticket too.

Then Beebe intrudes to make sure Doug wouldn’t get Connie a better ticket than he got her. Then Roger wants to make sure Doug wouldn’t leave him and his goons out. Then an entire crowd of people who don’t even have names because Doug hasn’t interacted with them enough that it needed mention in his journal want tickets.

Look at these parasites. They chase Doug home.

I can only hope this is an exaggeration by Doug when he wrote this down in his journal.

Doug has to slam the door on the crowd. Before Doug can catch his breath, Theda calls him from the kitchen. He enters the kitchen, ready to ask his mom about his problem, but he is confronted by a stranger.

He apologizes and says he’s looking for his mom, Theda Funnie. It’s weird. Doug doesn’t realize this is his mom, so he apologizes to, essentially, a total stranger for apparently intruding on her privacy in his home. He tries to clarify who he’s looking for like he mistook her for someone else at the mall. After he finally catches up, he says she looks like a movie star, then corrects himself to “two movie stars.” I don’t know what the fuck that’s supposed to mean, but Theda takes it as flattery.

Phil enters the kitchen and has much the same reaction as Doug. He catches on quicker though. He is dumbstruck, then decides to get his camera. Thrilled, Theda consults her new mirror that also can make waffles if you’re into that sort of thing.

Theda apparently does not like waffles.

At the recording studio, Judy has taken over the band rehearsals. First, she’s annoyed the drummer, whose name is apparently Eric (I honestly don’t know if his name was established before this), keeps using drum sticks. She insists that he needs to use ferns instead.

She says it’s an homage to the rainforest.

Next, she’s upset with Norman.

She doesn’t want him tuning his guitar anymore.

Eric asks Flounder why she’s always bossing them around. Flounder explains that she’s creating an artistic vision for the band. Norman says she’s creating a giant pain in his neck. She says all this descension is draining her creativity.

Doug intrudes on this shitty situation to ask Flounder for tickets. Their gratuitous male bonding interrupts Judy’s meditation. 

Judy says her friends will occupy the front row. Flounder says there’s enough seats for her family and friends, and he’ll still have some left over.

This excites Doug and he has a fantasy. 

“And now presenting, the longest front row in rock and roll history!”

Like it’s the main attraction.

After the fantasy, Flounder does the math and tells Doug he can have three tickets. Doug has a fantasy about this too and it somehow makes even less sense.

He has three seats, so naturally everyone still came with him and then they attempted to pile into those three seats.

Somewhere near the top, Beebe points out this is all Doug’s fault and then commands the pile of people to get him.

At home, Phil has set up all his photography equipment and retrieved all his cameras so he can document his wife’s transformation. At some point, I hope she resents him for this.

Judy is indignant for her, right now. Phil is insisting they go out to eat again. He can’t have his “new wife slaving over a hot stove.”

Fuck you, you stupid fucking asshole. This is such a terrible attitude to have about your partner.

Theda tries to tell her shithead husband that she likes to cook but he ignores her. She sits back down at the table, sad. Doug narrates, “it’s weird. I was popular and mom was glamorous. So why weren’t we smiling?”

The next day at school, Doug is growing tired of his popularity. People have stuffed his locker with balloons and gifts and he’s annoyed by this.

Everyone else figured out the combination to Doug’s locker except Roger. Roger presents his gift in person.

How much did that jacket cost, Roger? Was it more or less expensive than a front row ticket? How much more or less? Did they ask for your dignity and self respect when they were selling the tickets or did you think you’d just give that up anyway. It’s not like there was much of that to begin with, right?

Doug wants to explain to Roger that he’s only got three tickets, but Beebe interrupts to tell him she’s stocked her dad’s limo with Peanutty Buddies. What time should she pick him up?

Before Doug can explain to Beebe, Connie interrupts with a song she wrote for him.

It’s not a good song and no one in the hall likes it.

At home, Flounder asks Doug what’s upsetting him.

Doug explains and Flounder apologizes for the fact that he only has three tickets left. Doug understand this. He knows getting even 3 free tickets is more than he has any right to expect. He just wants to know how to decide who to invite.

Flounder actually has some good advice for this. He says, “when you’re famous, or even know somebody famous, everybody wants to be your friend. it gets hard to tell if people really like you for yourself.” Basically, Doug should invite people who like him whether he gets them tickets or not.

Everyone gathers at Doug’s house for their free front row tickets. Doug nervously admits that he kept trying to tell everyone he couldn’t get tickets.

He apologizes and no one gives a shit.

They immediately disperse. They might be searching for pitchforks and torches.

Doug is a jerk. Not because he didn’t get them tickets. He’s a jerk because he waited until the day of the concert to tell them he didn’t get the tickets. If he had told them up front, they would have had the opportunity to buy their own tickets. Presumably the show is sold out and now their only option is to buy tickets from scalpers. You could argue that he tried to tell them but he kept getting interrupted and talked over, but it would be less rude for him to interrupt back and shout, “FUCK YOU I CAN’T GET YOU TICKETS, YOU FREELOADING SCUM,” than to sheepishly agree to get everyone tickets, then leave them hanging on the day of the concert. Anyway, after the crowd disperses, two people remain.

Doug asks if they were mad. They understand. Skeeter is just happy Doug will get to tell him about the concert. Doug is not surprised and neither is Porkchop.

Walking into the concert, brazenly wearing the jacket Roger gave him, Doug is confronted by Beebe. She says she had to dip into her trust fund to buy the only remaining seats, and those seats are in the nosebleed section.

She also gives him a bill for the imported chocolate. Connie says she rewrote her song. Roger wants the jacket back.

Willie, Ned, and Boomer look as angry as ever.

Backstage, Judy is telling the band that everything about their costumes and props is wrong.

Eric is upset that he’s holding carrots, asking if they are an homage to bunnies, before he throws them down and quits the band.

Norman also quits. Judy is glad they finally quit. She’s glad only the true artists remain.

The arena is packed when Doug, Skeeter, and Patti finally take their seats.

Please note that Porkchop is already there. When Flounder was calculating how many tickets he could give Doug, he had already committed one ticket to a fucking dog. He had three tickets leftover because he did not count Doug among his group of people needing tickets, but Doug’s dog definitely needs a ticket.

Doug immediately notes his mom’s appearance. She’s back to classic Theda. She says, “well, my new look was fun for a while, but I decided I like being myself, beautiful or not. Besides, the kind of beauty you get from a make-over is only skin deep.” I don’t know what I could type here to indicate an annoyed groan, but maybe just imagine that was my response to Theda. Doug says she was always beautiful all the way through and Phil backs him up.

Finally the concert begins. For high pretentious art, naming the band “Flounder and the Plastic Judy Band” seems a bit uninspired. I couldn’t bother to take screenshots of all the shit Judy does during the first song. She’s banging on sheet metal, dropping anvils, honking horns, and banging on cans and bottles. The crowd exits en masse.

Flounder is somewhat perplexed. Judy says she expected it. The music was beyond their comprehension.

Flounder tells the remaining group of Funnies, Skeeter and Patti that they might as well leave too. Phil tells him they’re not going anywhere.

What an ideal situation! You have six occupied seats. They didn’t pay for those seats, so hopefully everyone that left during the first song doesn’t want a refund, or at least won’t get one. Now you get to play the full concert to six people and a dog, none of which can even pretend to like the music. They’re just there to support you and your massive failure. Porkchop is the only one that planned for total bullshit.

Flounder dedicates the next song to the Funnies, for always being there for him. Patti and Skeeter should maybe take offense since they stayed as well, but whatever. For this song, Judy is playing the sawing-a-log-in-half. It’s not an easy instrument.

And it sounds like this…

After this disaster, are you surprised The Beets are back together? Before they start playing on the tv, Flounder thanks Judy for making him see music in a whole new way.

Judy is disappointed that Flounder has returned to The Beets when he was so close to being a real artist. Doug says, “I thought you liked Flounder.”

She replies, “as an artist, no. As a friend, I suppose he’s…tres cool.”

So, Doug, Patti, Skeeter and Porkchop return their dancing.

If I had to argue that Doug Funnie was not crazy, I’d use this episode. He’s maybe a dumb-ish kid, but being a little dumb is kind of what kids do. He’s at least not the dumbest kid in his school by far.

Doug’s school sure has a lot of special assemblies. Doug is barely interested in this episode’s special assembly because he’s working with Skeeter on a project for their civics class. They haven’t decided what the project should be yet. Skeeter has an idea; build a model of the capital building out of sugar cubes.

Doug doesn’t care for the idea. Skeeter says, “nothing impresses teachers like little buildings made out of food.”

Doug says he wants to do something special, so Skeeter suggests they build the courthouse out of mashed potatoes. This is what you get when a genius phones it in. Or maybe he skipped breakfast. I don’t know.

Finally, the assembly begins with Mr. Bone shouting unreasonably loud for everyone to shut up.

He threatens to move the entire assembly to detention if everyone doesn’t shut up. He then proves his value to the school and really earns that vice principal paycheck by introducing Principal Ex-Mayor White.

Principal White gets to the point relatively quick. This assembly is to let the students know they are introducing mandatory school uniforms.

All of the students gasp. Doug says, “aww, man,” like he’s disappointed by this new development.

Later, Doug narrates that the announcement hit the students like a wet blanket. Roger calls the idea lame. He adds, “if we all dress alike, how you gonna tell us rich kids from the losers?”

This is especially amusing coming from Roger. Roger was poor and he wore blue pants, a plain white shirt, and a black jacket. After his mom got rich, he cut the sleeves off of his jacket. I guess the reasoning is you can tell he’s rich now because wearing a vest is like saying, “I cut off the sleeves of this garment and donated them to a poor family so I could write off the expense of the whole jacket on my taxes. If you can’t donate your sleeves to my new charity, Sleeve the Poor, any little amount of money you can donate will go a long way to buying other jackets to remove the sleeves so they can be donated to poor families that can’t afford sleeves.” Anyway…

Beebe hates the idea too.

“Who would want to live in a world where we’re all seen as equals? It’s undemocratic!”

Fentruck is also opposed to the uniforms because of a dark period in Yakostonian history where everyone was forced to dress as cheerleaders.

Patti speculates that uniforms might not be so bad.

Skeeter says his cousin wears uniforms every day and likes it. He saves time in the morning because he doesn’t have to decide what to wear. Kids save money because they don’t have to keep up with the latest fashion trends. Patti is impressed and thinks that makes sense, ignoring the fact that they all wear the same thing every day anyway and kids would still have to buy other clothes unless they intended to wear the school uniform everywhere they go. What do you wear on a date? School uniform. Going camping? School uniform. Going to the movies? The arcade? Funky Town? Family getting together for Christmas? School uniform. So liberating to finally have clothes for every occasion, says the kids who already wear the same thing for every occasion anyway.

Beebe is still not convinced. She says nothing is going to tell her how to dress except peer pressure and trendy advertising. This is a little too self aware for Beebe, and luckily for her, Sally doesn’t let anyone call her out on it.

Sally is pissed. She says uniforms are a violation of their most basic right. Roger thinks she means “the right to flaunt it if you got it.” She’s too into it to call him a moron, so she continues about their right to freedom of expression. Patti agrees. Doug isn’t sure what he thinks.

Sally continues her rant, rallying the kids around the idea to write petitions to present to Principal White. Patti’s all in.

Doug and Skeeter don’t seem to care much. They still have to figure out what to do for the civics project. Patti says, “standing up for your rights is what civics is all about! I’m gonna help!”

Doug says, “too bad we can’t pass around petitions for our assignment.”

Skeeter again pitches the idea of making something out of food. Doug ignores Skeeter’s shitty suggestion because he has an idea. They’ll get a camera and follow Sally and the other students as they petition and protest the new school uniforms. They’ll make a sort of news report about the whole thing.

Skeeter is immediately on board, but still full of shitty ideas. He says, “we can shake the camera a lot like they do in the news. Zoom in and out! And we can shoot it in black and white…just ‘cause it’s cool. And if that doesn’t work, we can always build city hall out of cocktail weenies and aerosol cheese!”

So the petitioning is well under way. They’ve come up with this name for their protest organization.

Doug and Skeeter have a decent camera and lights and a microphone and they’re filming the overstated action. It doesn’t take long before they have plenty of signatures (an undefined amount) and they take a rather large stack of petitions to Principal White.

He immediately starts hamming it up for Doug and Skeeter’s camera. After Sally drops the stack of petitions on his desk, he says, “well now, this is exactly what I like to see. Nothing is as inspiring as students getting involved with school policy. I tell you, it’s young people like you that give us all hope for a brighter tomorrow! That and the knowledge that I will someday soon be mayor again.

As he continues, he picks up the stack of petitions and shoves them back into Sally’s hands. He says, "now I want to encourage you all to keep striving for your goals. Reach for the stars. Never give up! And remember, my door is always open.”

Mr. Bone is more direct in his approach to telling them to fuck off.

He says they have a special way of dealing with such important papers.

Oh, I don’t think they’ll all fit in that suggestion box, Mr. Bone. It just doesn’t look big enough…

Oh. Asshole. Mr. Bone is an asshole. He tells them there’s no room in the school for radicals and trouble makers and then promises to keep an eye on them.

At lunch, Sally is madder than ever. She’s demanding they organize a protest.

Doug and Skeeter are trying new camera tricks.

 The students start chanting “protest” and Patti really gets into it.

I think this is supposed to be Patti’s fantasy, but since Doug is always narrating the episode as he’s writing it in his journal, isn’t this really his idea of what Patti must be fantasizing about?

There’s not much to this fantasy. Sally is on horseback and leads Patti and her fellow horseless fighters to storm a castle that has smoke pouring out of it and apparently no defenders.

Basically, it seems like Sally is charging them into a defeated castle so they can suffocate. It’s a weird fantasy.

After the fantasy, all the students are cheering the idea of a protest and Sally says they’ll meet tomorrow morning on the front steps of the school for their official protest. Apparently, standing on a table in the cafeteria and encouraging the students to chant doesn’t count as a protest.

Meanwhile, in the Lunch Barn, Mr. Bone is spying on them. Why?

He’s the vice principal. Is he not allowed in the cafeteria during lunch? Have they broken none of his school rules? He threatened to give the whole school detention earlier when they didn’t shut up fast enough at the assembly, but standing on a table in the cafeteria and disrupting everyone’s lunch requires spying and unheard threats.

Patti is now passing out flyers advertising the next day’s protest in the hallway. It’s hard for me to understand how this makes any sense. When I was in middle school (when this episode originally aired…), I was in class pretty much all day. There was very little time between classes, and barely enough time to actually finish your lunch. So, sometime after lunch, Patti found the time to print up a bunch of flyers for a protest the next day, and now she’s just standing around handing them out. Did she use a school copier for that? Where was Mr. Bone and why was he not stopping that massive waste of school resources?

Sally approaches Patti with some bad news. Her voice is gone. She can barely whisper.

She asks Patti to give a speech at the protest tomorrow. Patti is reluctant.

The protest begins with a Connie song which is presumably called “Don’t Want Uniforms.”

Patti tells Sally she’s not sure she can do this. Sally reassures her that everyone is behind her. Mr. Bone is spying from the roof and has his own plan to stop the protest.

I don’t understand why Mr. Bone is handling this so poorly. He turns on the hose and nothing happens. Like an idiot, he points the hose at his face and says, “what’s blocking my flow?”

Of all the fucking places they could have put the ladder…

The hose bubble gets so big it pushes the ladder over and Doug and Skeeter are thrown into some bushes.

This is presumably a reference to any number of old cartoons and the oldest known comedy film and also the horrible treatment of civil rights protesters.

Mr. Bone just can’t do anything right.

Beebe gets splashed with a little water from the hose.

She says, “feel that? I think it’s gonna rain.” There are compounding layers of stupid to this. The sky is clear. Mr. Bone is yelling while being thrown about by a hose right above her head. If you are getting wet, it’s not going to rain; it is raining. Unless of course it’s obviously just a splash from a hose. Can none of these kids see the hose? What is happening to the students at this school? Anyway, she wants to introduce Patti now. At least they’ll get the big speech out of the way in case it rains. Fentruck introduces Patti in the traditional Yakistonian manner, which includes armpit farts and stomping while shouting “zvoopa” several times.

Patti is shoved onto the stage (Where did the stage come from? Did these kids who can’t see hoses or tell the difference between a man being tossed around by a hose and actual rain actually build a stage for this somewhat impromptu protest?) and she almost locks up. She’s very nervous.

Doug shouts words of encouragement and she starts speaking.

Slowly she starts to really get into it. She really gains confidence as the crowd gets more into her speech that she is totally just making up as she goes. As she starts droning on about the constitution, Doug has another fantasy for her. She’s the first female president.

After her speech, Mr. Bone emerges from behind part of the school and says, “alright you beatniks. The hootenanny is over! Get to class!”

Everyone disperses immediately. He didn’t even have to threaten them with detention.

The core group leading the protest remain to talk to Patti and discuss their next step.

Sally says they loved her. Fentruck says, “that was most inspiring. In my country, you would have been already in chains! And I am not just saying that.” Dark.

Roger says their next step should be throwing stink bombs into Mr. Bone’s office. Patti suggests they keep protesting in hopes that they can pressure Principal White to a debate. Roger doesn’t like the idea, but everyone else does so they pressure him to support it too.

Doug says, “we’ll call this shot 'The Bluffington 5.’” I doubt that Doug realizes he’s making a reference to something.

At the next protest, Patti buries the idea of school uniforms by actually digging a grave and throwing a couple uniforms into it.

They dug this hole on the football field, so I’m again left wondering why Mr. Bone hasn’t stopped the whole thing yet. The next protest is a candlelight vigil.

Unsurprisingly, the school paper has articles about S.P.U.D.

According to Guy, Patti is personally more popular than S.P.U.D.

Patti says the campaign isn’t about personalities but issues. She says they are all equal in S.P.U.D. but then uses her megaphone to tell the four other members that they’re slowing down. They’re walking a picket circle and beginning to resent Patti. They’re tired of doing all the work while she gets all the recognition. Still using her megaphone, she reassures them that no one is more important than anyone else, and also hold your signs higher.

Their next great idea is a hunger strike. They’ve chained themselves to a tree.

Mr. Bone is still spying on their various protests too. He’s got a brilliant idea to break up this little hunger strike.

He’s got the most amazing solution to this one. No, it’s not bolt cutters and detention slips. It’s cheese burger in a can. He’ll make them hungry!

Unfortunately, he loses his balance while he’s spraying the cheese burger scent, falls into a trash can, then rolls into the back of a passing garbage truck.

None of the hunger striking kids saw this happen or heard him screaming.

Sally tries to lead the group in a song. Roger proposes dirty tricks. Beebe suggests they get an army of lawyers and sue. Patti tells them to shut up. She says they only have to look hungry. Finally, over all these stupid little disagreements, the group starts breaking up. Roger says he’s going to start his own protest group. Beebe says she’ll start her own too. Fentruck too. Patti tells them they can’t leave because she gave the keys to Doug and he went to lunch.

With only Patti and Sally remaining in S.P.U.D., their next move is a sit down strike.

Two students walk past them and shrug. Sally asks how this is supposed to work, but before Patti can respond an actual news reporter from a local station approaches them for an interview. Principal White immediately interrupts to talk about himself and how he’s going to be Mayor again.

The reporter doesn’t give a shit about Principal White. He asks Patti and Sally if they have the support of the entire student body. They don’t really explain that they don’t have the support before the reporter loses interest in them and asks Doug and Skeeter if they support it. Doug says, “yeah,” but seems unsure and Skeeter says he’s not sure how he feels about it. Principal White jumps back in front of the camera

“Now as I always say: nothing’s as inspiring as young persons getting involved with school policy. And I want to say how much I admire their gumption! The same quality, I must say, that will once again make me an effective mayor come the next election.”

Patti takes this opportunity to corner Principal White into agreeing to a debate. At first he seems unsure, like he’s trying to find a way out of it, but then asks the reporter if it will be on tv. When the reporter confirms, Principal White commits to the debate. He says he is in favor of televised democracy and will personally choose the person that will be arguing his side.

Patti and Sally celebrate this small victory right up until Sally says she’ll clobber whoever Principal White picks. Even though Sally is the captain of the debate team, Patti doesn’t think she should be the one debating.

Patti wants to debate. She’s the one that challenged the principal. She’s the one they’ll listen to and believe. Sally quits.

At the debate, Doug mentions that, along with Skeeter of course, he got permission to tape the event. Disrupt lunch. Disrupt the hallways. Dig huge holes in the football field. Chain yourself to a tree. Do whatever you fucking want, but if you tape this debate without permission, I don’t know what Mr. Bone is going to do to you but you’ll fucking deserve it.

Doug points out the new splinter groups from S.P.U.D.

Roger’s group is Students Oppose Uniform Rules.

Sally’s group is Serious Students Organized Uniform Protest.

Fentruck’s one man group is named B.A.B.U.S.H.K.A. and I’m not going to attempt to type what he says he stands for. It doesn’t matter.

And Beebe’s group is BEEBE and it doesn’t stand for anything. They are all wearing the same clothes, so it’s safe to assume she’s no longer protesting uniforms. She is presumably protesting the fact that she is not the center of attention.

The mayor walks on stage, blusters about how great he’d be as mayor and how fair he is, then introduces the person who’ll be debate his side.

Everybody gasps. Skeeter says, “well, somebody had to do it.”

Skeeter begins by saying, “I know how everybody feels, but I think there’s some good things to say about uniforms.” The entire crowd erupts in boos and Roger’s group has noisemakers and horns.

Fentruck has a horn. Beebe’s group chants something through megaphones.

Skeeter tries to actually make his points but everyone is shouting him down. Patti gets frustrated with the crowd. She has a realization.

Patti gets everyone’s attention and says, “I know you don’t want to hear anything good about uniforms. I feel the same way. But if we don’t let Skeeter talk, we’ll be doing the same thing we accused the school of doing: not listening. It’s easy to get so caught up in what you want that you stop listening to the other side. I know. I guess I got so carried away being the leader of S.P.U.D. I stopped paying attention to everybody else. But we have to listen to all sides. It’s the only way to have a fair debate. The only way to have a democracy!”

She invites Skeeter back to his podium and he starts talking. Doug narrates over it, saying Skeeter had some good points, but he’s still not sure how he feels about uniforms.

Doug says the whole debate didn’t matter anyway. Everybody on the school board had a different idea about what the uniform should look like.

Mr. Bluff thinks everybody should dress like Beebe.

Mr. Valentine think the uniforms should look like Skeeter.

Mr. Bone wants to turn the students into prisoners.

Mr. Bone should not work in education. This is not a healthy view of students. He should not be in a position of authority anywhere.

The only thing the school board agreed on was putting off the school uniform idea until next year. And this is how Doug and Skeeter end their civics report.

Their report earns them A’s and a standing ovation.

Doug and Skeeter celebrate by buying the Bluffington 5 chocolate milk shakes.

Patti wants strawberry. Sally wants vanilla. Beebe wants low fat. Fentruck is allergic to chocolate. Roger wants burgers. Let no good deed go unpunished, but why didn’t they fucking ask what everyone wanted in the first place?

So, that’s it. Doug is maybe the least crazy person in this episode, but he’s still the narrator, imagining Patti having fantasies and just being a generally unreliable and inconsistent narrator. He started out unsure what to think about school uniforms and and a long, arduous journey, he steadfastly remained unsure what to think about school uniforms.

Nothing came out of Mr. Bone’s ridiculous spying. There was a missed opportunity to write him back out of the show. When he fell in the trash can that rolled into the back of the garbage truck? If he never showed up again, it would be the greatest end to the character, forcing the assumption that he died in the incident. Oh well.

Christmas is over. Doug and Skeeter are making the best of their vacation time. Skeeter’s tossing a football to himself and Doug is writing in his journal.

Doug must have said, “hey Skeeter, wanna come over so you can be bored while I write in my journal?”

Doug’s agenda for this journal entry is to review his New Year’s resolutions from the beginning of the year to see how they went. I don’t know what the first three resolutions were, but number four was “walk a mile in everybody’s shoes.” Doug checks it off. I hope he took that idea literally and just borrowed everyone’s shoes for one mile hikes. Resolution number five is “grow chest hair.” Another resolution Doug feels he accomplished. Generally, these are pretty bad resolutions though. What did he do to make himself feel like he walked a mile in everybody’s shoes and what actions did he take to grow chest hair that aren’t automatic results of him staying alive and entering puberty?

Resolution number six was “tell Patti how I feel about her.”

“Oh well. Maybe next year.” So much for the easiest resolution he had.

At Mr. Swirly, Patti asks Doug if he’s going to Beebe’s New Year’s party.

He says, “I guess so.” She says she is going too, then she says a goodbye and walks away with Connie. They sit down with Beebe at the next booth. Why aren’t they all sitting together?

Patti shouts, “hey, Guy,” as she’s sitting down. Doug is watching.

Guy is standing by the counter. He makes a noise with his mouth then says to no one in particular, “hold the mayo.” Get it? Since Doug witnessed the whole thing, he’s suddenly apprehensive about New Year’s Eve and tries to downplay the event. Skeeter agrees with him that New Year’s is no big deal, but then Beebe starts talking about what a huge deal it is.

“New Year’s is a huge deal! There’s lots of eating and dancing and kissing. Everybody kisses at New Year’s!”

Connie asks, “everybody?”

Beebe goes on to make the point that you have to kiss whoever you’re with at midnight because it’s a tradition. She starts looking at Skeeter to make her point, because the girl who attends a school shaped like her own head isn’t exactly equipped with an ability for subtlety. Her little speech makes Skeeter have a small freakout where he chokes on his drink, but then he just orders another, so he’s maybe not too worried about kissing Beebe.

Doug now sees the party as an opportunity to complete his resolutions.

“If Patti’s going to kiss someone at midnight, I’m going to make sure it’s me.”

Skeeter takes a moment to connect the awful dots Doug just laid out. “Oh, I get it, man. Since kissing is a New Year’s tradition, Patti will have to kiss you. She’ll have no choice.”

“Yeah! I mean, no. I mean…if I could just give her one kiss, maybe she’d finally know how I really feel about her.” Skeeter bad. Doug not so bad, but still very questionable. Words would be a better way to tell someone how you feel about them.

So here’s a fantasy about how the party is going to go. Doug and Patti will be the only ones there. They will be dressed up. Doug will be playing the piano. Patti will be amazed by his talent and romance.

Not content to this level of admiration, Doug will take off his shoes, climb on top of the piano, and continue playing the piano with his toes.

He is just as good with his feet as he is with his hands. After he hands Patti a rose without disrupting the music he’s playing with his feet, Patti says, “I want you to kiss me like you’ve never kissed anyone before.”

After the fantasy, Doug exclaims, “SKEETER! I’ve never kissed anyone before! I don’t think I even know how!”

Roger overhears this (I mean, he wouldn’t have to be snooping either. Doug shouted it. Are Patti, Connie, and Beebe still sitting at the booth next to them because they’re probably hearing everything Skeeter and Doug are saying and awkward?) and begins his usual taunting.

After Roger calls him a loser, Doug asks how many girls he’s kissed. Roger pulls out a notepad.

After consulting his notes, Roger confirms that he kissed 97 girls at New Year’s last year. Skeeter asks how many of the girls actually wanted him to kiss. His reply is just awful.

“Who cares? The point is even a scammed kiss counts!” Roger says he’s going for a new record this year. If you were ever wondering what Roger might go to jail for, here’s a clue. Unfortunately, he now has money, so maybe don’t get your hopes up that he’ll receive a decent punishment when/if it happens.

Skeeter makes a joke about New Year’s being the only way Roger can get a kiss. Doug says, “yeah, but he sounded so…experienced, and I don’t know the first thing about kissing, unless you count my grandmother! I gotta learn fast, ‘cause when the clock strikes midnight, I’m gonna be right there with the perfect kiss.”

Oh, they are totally still sitting in the booth next to Doug and Skeeter, but judging by the smile on Patti’s face, they were too busy in conversation to hear the guys.

Here’s Doug getting ready to practice kissing.

Lucky for Porkchop, Doug has the balloon. Porkchop pops a tape into the VCR and it’s a Smash Adams movie. Doug intends to study the kissing techniques of Smash Adams.

Smash Adams is holding a woman in his arms as they snowboard off a cliff. Smash opens a parachute and they begin kissing shortly thereafter.

Their parachute snags on the roof of a building and they end up hanging upside down. Their kissing continues uninterrupted.

Doug practices.

Porkchop is embarrassed.

Judy catches him. Embarrassed, Doug can’t think of an excuse for his behavior. Judy says, “don’t tell me. You’re practicing for some loud, mindless, bourgeoisie New Year’s Eve bash where mob mentality forces you to kiss someone at midnight. Patti, perhaps?”

She takes the balloon from Doug, promising to show him the proper technique. She does a weird sort of French act before doing a bad impersonation of Patti, then she throws the balloon away and chases Doug around the room trying to kiss him.

After Smash Adams and Judy failed Doug, he turned to his next great source of information.

Fuck.

Really, this could go a lot worse than it does. It’s still a wholly useless learning experience for Doug though.

He hides this in an issue of The Amazing Man O Steel Man so no one can see what he’s reading.

Skeeter walks up behind him and sees what he’s reading. He blushes. Everyone in the store stares at him.

Skeeter says it’s a cool issue of Teen Mush Magazine and he’s already on step 32. Doug is too embarrassed to say anything but “oh” while he sheepishly puts the magazine back on the rack and walks away because he has that standard social anxiety disorder.

Doug stops by Lack Luster Video to pick up more movies for research. He’s literally back where he started. It gets sort of weird when he walks past the Pet Pagoda and sees a kissing fish in the window. He thinks maybe he should just imitate nature.

Roger sees him imitating the fish and mocks him. Doug tries to play it off like he’s been thinking about becoming a marine biologist. Roger says, “cut the chin wag, Funnie. Tomorrow night’s New Year’s Eve, and I don’t want to risk chapping my lips with idle conversation.” Shouldn’t have fucking started it then, Roger. Asshole.

That night, Doug is practicing his duckface in the mirror.

Phil and Theda are settling in for a night of shitty New Year’s TV and popcorn. Theda asks Judy if she’s going to a party, and Judy dismisses the idea with a short rant about how stupid it all is. She says she’s going to sit in her room and clean out the attic of her mind.

Doug catches his parents kissing and narrates, “it was kinda embarrassing. They are my parents after all, and really old. But they did look like they really liked each other.”

Theda asks if Doug is ready for Beebe’s party, and Phil asks if he has a ride over there. Doug says Mr. Dink is taking him. Mr. Dink is chaperoning. I guess being married to the mayor isn’t all ribbon cuttings and shopping sprees and cocaine addiction. Sometimes you just have to do a shitty job.

Meanwhile, Judy’s celebration is off to a great start. Unfortunately, she left her door open.

Theda and Phil start blowing some horns and disturb her peace. Rude.

At the party, Skeeter offers Doug some goat cheese and garlic hors d'doeuvres and he declines because of the breath issue..

So far, Doug’s piano fantasy is all wrong.

Doug starts eating carrots while Beebe drags Skeeter off to dance.

Guy approaches Doug and gives him a warm greeting because really, they are friends and Guy doesn’t know he’s an annoying shitbag. Doug says, “I thought you never went to seventh grade parties.”

“I don’t. I’m in the next room. With Bill Bluff! And the future captains of industry! Having a grown up party!”

In the Bluffington world, there are conspiracy theories on the internet about what happens at Bill Bluff’s Grown Up New Year’s Party for Eighth Grade Boys. Maybe there’s blurry pictures. Maybe it’s not so much a conspiracy as a series of court settlements for undisclosed amounts and charges.

After Guy leaves, Doug returns to his carrots. Patti enters and shouts from across the room, “hey, Doug! Great party, huh?”

“Yeah…great.”

Meanwhile, Judy is fucking bored with her meditation.

She calls her friend Cassius and gets an answering machine, I guess. I think that’s what it’s supposed to be. It starts, “hello, this is Cassius.”

Judy says hello and starts to say something but is cut off by Cassius saying, “we all know New Year’s Eve is a mindless ritual for the hoi polloi. HAPPY HOI POLLOI! HAHA!” A woman on the phone tells Cassius happy new year before making kissing noises. Maybe it’s not the answering machine. I don’t know. Either way, Judy hangs up in anger.

Back at the party, Doug is still standing alone, eating carrots. The clock goes from 9pm to 11pm. Doug has been standing there eating carrots the whole time. Chalky walks up and says, “eeeh, what’s up, Doug?”

Suddenly, I fucking love Chalky. Anyway, Chalky asks if Doug has made any New Year’s resolutions. Doug says he has just one. Chalky says, “yeah? Me too! I’ve decided to develop some character flaws. You know, people don’t like you when you’re too perfect?” Doug points out that he’s off to a good start since people don’t like it when other people talk with their mouth full of food.

Meanwhile, bored Judy wants to join her parents but still insists on making a thing of protesting it. They don’t care and she joins them.

What was the point of making the popcorn if you weren’t going to fucking eat it?

At the party, Doug is all out of carrots and terribly tired. He normally doesn’t stay up this late. Roger helps him out with a blast from his horn.

He just wants Doug to watch him set a new kissing record.

Doug looks at the clock and sees it is 11:30, then spots Patti across the room, chatting with Guy.

Instead of joining the conversation and maybe talking to Patti before his planned kiss, Doug dances his way over to Skeeter.

“Skeeter, it’s almost New Year’s! What if I blow it? What if I don’t kiss her right? What if I poke her in the eye with my nose? What if our teeth hit and cause a spark that hits the curtains and starts a fire!?”

“Wow…could happen, man.” Thanks, Skeeter.

Doug returns to the earlier fantasy for some reason. Patti is horrified by Doug’s kiss and pushes him away. As she stands up, he falls to the floor.

“Eww, where did you learn to kiss? On a balloon?”

“Well…yeah. But don’t leave! I’ll try harder next time!”

“There’ll never be a next time, loser!”

The fantasy ends with Doug screaming, “nooooo,” and in real life he starts backing up, as if recoiling from the horror of his imaginary failure. He backs into Patti.

She asks if he’s okay and he says he’s perfect. He then excuses himself and walks away. His plan to kiss her conflicts entirely with his plan to avoid her all night. After he leaves her alone and confused, Guy dances over.

Doug really starts to lose it here. He walks over to the snack table again, saying, “steady, Doug. Steady.” He mindlessly stuffs his face with food and mutters, “she was close. Very close.”

Beebe tells him she’s glad he’s enjoying the onion dip. He realizes he’s been eating onions and excuses himself. Beebe is briefly confused.

Doug finds a corner where he can brush his teeth.

You realize how easy this is for me, right?

It’s not midnight yet, but Roger’s already chasing girls for kisses.

…what?

Suddenly, Doug can’t find Patti. He’s looking everywhere but can’t find her. He asks Skeeter if he’s seen her.

Beebe says she left with Guy to go to another party. Doug asks Mr. Dink if he can give them a ride to some other parties for an emergency.

Being a responsible chaperone, Mr. Dink immediately agrees and they leave.

Doug barges into Al and Moo’s New Year’s party to ask the nerds if Guy and Patti are there.

Before Doug can actually ask about Patti, Al and Moo decide to show off their dancing shoes. They are programmed to perform any dance.

Mr. Dink says he must have the dancing shoes and Al and Moo say they are very expensive. Makes you wonder if they are actually his sons.

Doug finally gets to ask Moo if Patti and Guy have been around. Moo tells him they left just before he got here.

At the next party, the foreign exchange student party apparently, Doug, Skeeter, and Mr. Dink are forced into some sort of foreign conga hopping line.

Fentruck tells Doug Patti and Guy left just before he got here.

And here’s another party where Doug apparently just missed them.

Why are Guy and Patti going around to all these other parties? Who is driving them? You know what will really impress Patti? If you take her to Doug’s dog’s New Year’s party. Porkchop and his dog friends are really cool! Good thinking, Guy.

Doug, Skeeter, and Mr. Dink return to Beebe’s party just in time for the countdown . Doug is dejected. Skeeter reassures him that there’s always next year. For the countdown, Mr. Dink turns on his new, very expensive, dancing shoes. They immediately malfunction.

Roger starts going for the record with Connie. Here’s how that went.

Next, he tells Beebe she has something in her eye. She says, “really?” as if it’s possible she didn’t notice something in her eye but Roger did. He tells her he’ll get it.

At the time, she was enjoying a piece of pie, and after Roger steals a kiss, she slams the pie in his face.

What you can’t see in this picture…

…is the sound of Roger kissing other girls and getting slapped. Or getting food or drink thrown in his face. Doug narrates, “watching Roger, I was suddenly glad I didn’t try to steal a kiss from Patti.”

Doug has a fantasy about his first kiss.

“I wanted my first kiss to really mean something. To be something special. Not because it was New Year’s, but because Patti wanted me to kiss her.”

Why the fuck is everything on fire? Oh how romantic. All the poor people’s meager possessions are aflame, just like our hearts are for each other.

Doug says he wants his first kiss to be like his parents’ kiss, where it means something because they both really care about each other.

Meanwhile, Beebe is chasing down Skeeter to demand a kiss. He relents, and look how happy he is…

That’s not enough for her though.

I guess she’s better than Roger because she’s only forcing one person, but still…inappropriate.

Judy gets her midnight kisses from her sleeping parents.

WHAT IS THE FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS BOTTOMLESS BOWL OF POPCORN? WHO DO I HAVE TO SLEEP WITH TO GET THAT?

Doug is sitting outside the party with a tray of hors d'oeuvres when Patti approaches him, saying she’s been looking for him everywhere.

He says he’s been looking for her too, but then asks, “where’s Guy?”

“Guy? Ugh. Do you believe this whole New Year’s Eve was about Guy trying to steal a kiss from me?”
“Steal a kiss? That’s bad, isn’t it? So, what’d you do?”
“Well, I told him I was just at the party to have fun, and if this whole party was about kissing, then I was leaving!”

“Well, I’m glad you did.”
“Me too. At least with you, I can relax about all that kissing stuff. I’m just not ready for that yet.”
“Yeah, me neither.”

Roger runs up to them to brag about breaking his record. He’s covered in food.

He’s also committed several counts of sexual battery, and he’s openly bragging about it, so the mob of girls that chase him off is understandable. Doug asks Patti if she’s hungry and says “there might still be a little pie left that Roger’s not wearing," 

Everyone is excited about the new ride at Funky Town.

Al and Moo explain to Doug and Skeeter that the ride starts with a 5.9 earthquake, followed by a magnitude 6 volcano, and the twister is a 7. Skeeter is totally shocked. Doug asks, “what’s that?”

Skeeter asks, “you don’t know what a 7 is?”
“No, that music!”

This weird kid is practicing his tuba in line.

Skeeter sees Patti and Beebe walking away from the new ride and tells Beebe they’re going the wrong way. Beebe says she’s not going on the Natural Disaster Blaster because it’s scary what a velocity 7 twister could do to her hair.

You can see how much Skeeter cares.

Doug suggests, “you guys could go with us. I mean…it might be less scary that way.”

Skeeter does not approve of this idea.

Patti and Beebe agree to go with them. Doug and Patti get in a cart together while Beebe berates Skeeter. Skeeter just tries to tune out all the ways Beebe is covering Doug’s rudeness with her own brand of shittiness.

As the ride starts, Skeeter glares at Doug and says, “you owe me big time, man.” Fortunately, he says this so quiet no one else hears it or this episode might not be as interesting.

At school the next day, Mr. Bone calls for an assembly to talk about the weather.

The weatherman on the local news is warning about how the unusually high temperatures have melted snow packs in the mountains causing the Rollinona River to rise. Authorities are warning that the area could receive record flooding. Mr. Bone tries to reinforce the idea that this is a serious threat. He’s seen floods before and “it means water everywhere!” Roger tries to imagine what that would be like.

Inside his brain, he has a uh…brain fart.

This causes him to twitch in his seat and shout, “stupid brain!”

Mr. Bone leads the students outside so they can practice treading water.

While treading air, Doug asks Skeeter, “have you been avoiding me because I stuck you with Beebe?”

Skeeter says he hasn’t and he loves doing stuff with Doug. Doug asks if he wants to go to the arcade after school, and Skeeter says he doesn’t. He offers no explanation. He just walks away. Or treads away. Meanwhile, Mr. Bone starts yelling at Skunky for this.

Mr. Bone is a jackass. How is this an unacceptable preparation for a flood? Anyway, Mr. Bone drags Skunky to detention.

Doug tries to make up for his rudeness during the rest of the week by suggesting fun activities to Skeeter. First, he has this telescope and wants to use it to find the Lucky Duck Monster.

Skeeter says he has to go buy shoes.

Doug suggests they watch this Smash Adams movie.

Skeeter says he has to go get some shoes.

Doug again suggest they find the Lucky Duck Monster.

Skeeter again says he has to get shoes.

Doug has a fantasy about how Skeeter has gone overboard with the shoe thing. Skeeter is in his room talking to his shoes like they are pets, and giving them stupid names.

That afternoon, Doug and Patti are helping prepare for the flood.

Doug asks her, “and if he’s still mad I stuck him with Beebe, why doesn’t he just come out and yell at me or something?”

Patti suggests that maybe he’s not mad. Maybe he’s just busy. She says things like this are like a hurricane and you have to wait for it to blow over. Doug understands this. He says it makes sense. Then he says he’ll force it anyway.

The next day, he has yet another activity he wants to do with Skeeter. He wants to go see Tidal Wave Madness.

Skeeter says he’s busy, and also Tidal Wave Madness is plebeian. Doug takes great offense at this. How could the great Tidal Wave Madness be plebeian? Skeeter doesn’t know what he’s talking about. Or rather, Doug doesn’t know what plebeian means. In the library, he looks up the word.

“Unrefined or vulgar. See: Tidal Wave Madness.”

Doug accepts that Skeeter was right, then overhears Skeeter whispering about the movie.

Doug finds Skeeter raving about Tidal Wave Madness to Skunky. Doug confronts him about this because this is a reasonable thing for Doug to be upset about, I guess. This is something Skeeter could have admitted earlier, instead of just insulting Doug’s taste in movies. Skeeter could have said he already saw the movie and it was great, but he just made Doug feel stupid instead. And now, when confronted, he stammers about needing shoes and runs away.

Back in the auditorium, Roger is still trying to imagine water everywhere.

This time his brain doesn’t fart. He imagines water rushing over everything, pushing cars around like they’re nothing.

Ned interrupts this fantasy to tell Roger he can leave now. “The assembly has been over for like…3 days.”

Rickets.

Roger has an idea and it doesn’t make sense. Since the flood is going to be the biggest thing to hit this town, Roger plans to own it. His goons don’t know what this means. How could they?

That afternoon, Doug visits places he says he used to frequent with Skeeter. First there was Mt. Saint Buster.

Apparently, they liked to climb this mountain. Doug hallucinates their ghostly forms climbing.

There’s a hot dog stand where they apparently ate 100 hot dogs each.

There’s so much about this image that I love I don’t know where to begin. First, I guess, I fucking need that fountain in the back. Second, the hot dog vendor is just staring blankly, probably regretting the choices he made that led to this moment.
“What do you want to be when you grow up, Chuck?”
“I want to sell hot dogs at the park. It’ll be so great! I get to stand all day, outside in the sun and the bugs, serving hot dogs to the imaginary ghosts of passersby. I might never be rich, but I’ll get to work near the fountain of the child riding the fish. Not many people will be able to say that! I pity them.”

Anyway, next Doug visits a store called the Knitting Kneedle. He says they used to buy brightly colored yarn here.

“And then I remembered…we never did any of that stuff!”

Doug just took us on a trip down a memory lane that never fucking happened.

Doug hears Skeeter laughing and sees him exit a flower shop. To someone inside, Skeeter says they need to get going if they want to get some brightly colored yarns. Doug is glad to finally get to see who has been taking up all of Skeeter’s time.

As Doug sees this, dramatic music plays. Doug turns to these guys…

…and tells them to knock it off.

Doug, Skeeter, and Beebe take turns exclaiming each others’ names until they all say at once, “I gotta go.” They walk in three different directions.

In some unlabeled, plain building, a man is telling Roger they can’t do it.

Roger points out a couple of named tropical storms and hurricanes. The man says they don’t name floods. Roger says, “maybe a few dead presidents would get you to change your mind.”

The man takes great offense at being offered a bribe. Roger takes greater offense at the idea of a bribe. He wasn’t talking about a bribe. He points to the other side of the room where Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Teddy Roosevelt are standing. The national weather service man is stunned. Somehow this works and the people on the news are now calling it Flood Roger. Meanwhile, Roger has to pay his actors.

The man playing Lincoln tells Roger, “if you ever need a moose, I do a great moose.”

Back at the sandbagging operation, Doug is shocked to discover that Patti knew about Skeeter and Beebe.

She says it was obvious. Instead of letting Doug damage his back, she picks up the bag of sand and puts it into place for him.

While Patti gets a cup of water, as a break from all the work she’s doing, Doug says that Skeeter never had a thing for girls before. She says, “yeah, right! How about Loretta LeQuigly? Muffy Silverson? And that girl that dressed like him?”

If you needed more proof that Doug is an unreliable narrator, here it is. He’s missed so many obvious details about his best friend. What else has his missed? What has he just completely misinterpreted?

While they return to the weirdest, most inefficient sandbagging operation, Doug asks, “but Beebe? Of all people…”

Patti points out that you can’t help how you feel about a person. She makes him realize Skeeter can’t help liking Beebe the same way he can’t help liking her. Roger interrupts their work to taunt them.

His voice echos so they can’t understand him. He yells again, “YOU CAN’T STOP FLOOD ROGER!”

They still can’t hear him. He steps forward to repeat it, but falls into the river.

The river is currently ankle deep. At the beginning of the episode, the weatherman warned that the river was rising dangerously, but here’s proof that the whole flood scare is bullshit. Doug, Patti and several other volunteers are sandbagging the river banks when they clearly don’t need to waste their time.

At Mr. Swirly, Doug finally asks Skeeter about his relation ship with Beebe. Skeeter tries to pretend he doesn’t know what Doug is talking about.

Skeeter says he was hoping Doug forgot. Beebe told him to tell everybody he was getting shoes. “She’s kinda sensitive about people finding out.”

Skeeter explains how they started dating. When they were riding the Natural Disaster Blaster, she was barking orders at him as if he was driving.

Something happens to her brain when he points out that he isn’t driving. She stares at him, her eyes turn into hearts, and she says, “you’re so cool.”

He says it felt right. He took her home that night and she acts like she wants him to kiss her at her front door. He doesn’t and she yells at him that he shouldn’t tell anyone before slamming the door.

On the way home, Skeeter is lost in thought and almost walks into traffic. A traffic officer saves him.


This kicks off a musical number called Swingin’ in the Wind.

This is an obvious reference.

Instead of an umbrella, they gave Skeeter a Beebe made of leaves to dance with.

Now that Doug knows, there’s no reason for Beebe and Skeeter to keep their relationship a secret, apparently. At lunch the next day, Skeeter says he likes her voice best. Meanwhile she’s yelling at a cafeteria worker.

She sits next to Skeeter and Doug can’t handle the situation.

Now, we get a short montage of scenes to demonstrate how unbearable Skeeter has become because of Beebe.

“What are you doing, Poo Poo?”
“I’m painting a picture. What are you doing, Skeet Skeet?”

“Oooh! Would you look at these little footies? Oh, they’ll look so cute on Beebe’s little feet.”

“Eeew…you’re aunt give you an early birthday present?”

Actually, Beebe bought it for him. Doug asks if him wants to hang out and he says he can’t. He’s having a weenie roast in the backyard. Doug mistakes this for an invitation (for some reason. It’s pretty clear it isn’t an invitation) and Skeeter has to explain that it’s just for his parents and Beebe. Doug realizes that he’s not Skeeter’s best friend anymore and decides to give him a taste of his own medicine.

Now, a normal person, if they somehow came to this conclusion, would think this meant that he would finally ask Patti out and become one half of an insufferable couple. That would really show Skeeter how it feels, somehow. I mean, if he bothered to notice. Doug, however, decides to find a new best friend the crazy way. He asks the members of the A/V Chess Club if any of them needs a best friend.

All three of them raise a hand. Without really thinking about it, Doug picks Elmo. Elmo is the kid that was playing the tuba earlier.

Doug tries to make Skeeter jealous by telling him they’re going to go look for the Lucky Duck Monster tomorrow. Elmo does a sad impression of Skeeter by saying, “cool, man. Beep beep.”

Skeeter says he doesn’t have time for that. He’s going to Funky Town with Beebe because it is their two week anniversary. Doug mocks him, but this is completely ignored. Skeeter says he’s trying to finish a song he wrote for her.

“Love you are my piece of cheese
my potato chip, my heart’s trapeze
you warm me up like anti-freeze”

Doug finishes for him, “now take an extended trip over seas!” This cracks Doug the fuck up. Elmo remains expressionless. Skeeter says he doesn’t think it’s funny. Doug says he’d need a vacation after two weeks with Beebe.

“Man! I should’ve known you’d be jealous! Just ‘cuz Patti won’t give you the time of day!”
“What!? What are you talking about, Mr. Goo Goo Ga Ga?”

Doug mocks Skeeter’s earlier enthusiasm for the footies and Skeeter walks away. Doug continues mocking him.

“Yeah, go ahead. Walk away. I’m not talking to you anymore, Skeeter Valentine. Do ya hear me? And you know what? Your shirt looks like someone named Poo Poo picked it out! And…you’re not my friend anymore!”

The news keeps playing up the flood disaster.

They have an announcement from the mayor. Mayor Dink says, “I’ve called you here to tell you that we’re still waiting for an update from the engineer corp concerning further releases of water into the Rollinona, which could cause a rise in Flood Rodney.”

“ROGER! IT’S FLOOD ROGER!”

“Note to self: impeach mayor. Oh yeah…eat more cheese.”

I guess when you bribe a public official by paying actors to pretend to be either time traveling presidents or ghosts of presidents, you should be pissed when you don’t get your money’s worth.

In his room, Doug is pacing around, unable to cope with the Skeeter and Beebe situation.

He determines that someone has to save Skeeter.

Remember how Doug made plans with Elmo to look for the Lucky Duck Monster? Well, fuck those plans and fuck Elmo. Doug has to save Skeeter and to do that he has to go to Funky Town. But he can’t go without a disguise.

I know you’re worried that, well, this is obviously a poor disguise. This is obviously just Doug wearing a fake mustache. Don’t worry. This is only half of the disguise.

Where’d Doug go? Who is this old man in the sunglasses?

Before we get to Doug’s undefined plan to save Skeeter, we finally get a glimpse at how Roger plans to profit from the flood.

I chose to believe Roger and his goons are the type of people that protest the national spelling bee, rather than four kids that know how to spell “survived” but not “flood.”

Doug’s first attempt at saving Skeeter is incredibly pathetic. He follows Skeeter and Beebe onto the bumper cars. When he sees Skeeter and Beebe stop next to each other so Skeeter can give her a flower, he charges.

They fail to notice Doug and drive away. He misses them completely and drives through the barrier. He loses control of the bumper car and ends up in some water.

I don’t understand how Doug thinks this was supposed to work. Imagine he collided with the Skeeter and Beebe. What then? This isn’t an episode of Gilligan’s Island where Skeeter bumped his head and did something uncharacteristic and he just needed another bump to reverse the change. Skeeter and Beebe would just be annoyed with him. Doug’s next plan makes about as much sense as this one.

Hiding behind one of those stupid fortune telling machines, Doug sees them walking his way. He quickly scribbles something on a small piece of paper and hides in the machine. He thinks, “I’ll give them a fortune they’ll never forget.”

Beebe searches through her purse and says, “oops. Nothing smaller than a hundred. Another time, I guess.” They walk away and Doug’s shitty plan is foiled again. But wait, there’s more!

Another couple approach the machine and actually have the quarter it takes to get a meaningless fortune.

“Swami says, "if you want to lose 80 lbs of unsightly fat, dump the girlfriend.”

Another shitty plan foiled.

Doug is now spying on them without his disguise. They’re about to take their anniversary ride.

Elmo approaches with his tuba and asks his best friend Doug what he’s doing here. Before Doug can explain, Elmo see’s Skeeter and Beebe and says, “oh, I see.”

“That’s the ride that started it all. Skeeter and I would still be best friends if he hadn’t pushed me aside to be with Beebe!”
“Whoa! Hey! Whoa there, best friend! That is not what happened.”
“What are you saying? What kind of friend are you?”
“The kind with a photographic memory. I was there. You were the one who said, 'I’ll ride with Patti.’”

Finally, Doug realizes it’s all his fault. Also, Skeeter only wanted to hang around with Beebe the same way he wanted to hang around with Patti. It’s pretty funny when you consider that he was hanging around with Patti twice while volunteering but all he could think about was Skeeter. He finally realizes he’s just been jealous.

Here’s something truly depressing: Porkchop bought Flud Roger gear.

Or rather, Doug bought some Flud Roger gear for Porkchop because Porkchop is just a dog and dogs don’t have money or know how to buy things because they are dogs. I don’t know where Doug is getting all this money for weekly Funky Town trips and Mr. Swirly and Flud Roger gear.

At Mr. Swirly, Doug finally apologizes for how’s he acted. He says he’s really psyched Skeeter and Beebe are seeing each other. Skeeter says they broke up.

Appropriate responses all around.

Skeeter says she broke up with him because he made some kind of honking sound. Skeeter tries to apologize to Doug for how he behaved, but Doug tells him to forget it. As for Flood Roger…

“Though annoying for anyone living near the river, Flood Roger turned out to be little more than a puny trickle.”

The episode ends with Roger jumping up and down on the dam, cursing it for failing to break. Roger is a fucking monster.