#being deaf

Well I’ve been using one hearing aid the past couple of weeks, and it is easy to listen without all the useless noise and that is hard for me to admit. But I have been missing wearing it: the sensation of wearing it and the noise. I constantly feel that there is a part of me is missing - I don’t feel whole at the moment. Every time I look in the mirror and see my ears I am reminded that one is broken. I used to feel broken growing up with deafness, and then I became whole in myself accepting my deaf identity. Now I feel that has been taken away from me. This is strange thing to be feeling because I was deaf before and after, so why do I feel like this? 

I have on occasions put my hearing aid in as I find I can slightly hear isolated noise, so I use it to listen to music via my hear hooks.(loudly might I add). When I take it back out, I miss it even more. I could leave it out 100% of the time, but I don’t feel strong enough to resist. I would miss it less and less over time if I didn’t wear it, I want to wear. I want to hear the useless noise, it makes me feel like it’s still working and hasn’t given up haha!!

Overall it sucks! and at times I’m struggling! I don’t verbalize this to the people, but at times I’m not okay! I find it easier to smile and say everything is okay.

They say time is a great healer, but how much time do I need? How long is acceptable?