walkingtaller296:

Deaf – Hearing romantic relationship – my own experience

You know, there was a time that I believed I would meet a deaf man, and have deaf children. Fast forward a few years and I’m happily in love with a hearing man. The reason I believed I would end up with a deaf man because I thought it would be easier. Easier to meet, easier to communicate, being deaf would be something in common. Being deaf and dating within the hearing world has it challenges, and full of disappointment. Especially for me I have many people who stopped talking to me when they learned I was deaf, or used me to satisfy their curiosity of meeting/dating a deaf girl. So naturally I started to want to be with a deaf man, and that was a challenge in itself. I’m not 100% fluent in sign language, or very involved in the wider deaf community. I’m deaf, but very much integrated in the hearing world due to my parents’ choice.

Through online dating I came across someone who caught my eye, and decided to ‘like’ his profile rather than private message to say hello. I was worried that he wouldn’t reply after looking through my profile, I mentioned that I am deaf. I got more messages from guys when I didn’t disclosed my deafness…. Online dating is window shopping. We want the pretty things, not the imperfect that’s on the ‘for sale’ shelf.  So I pretty much stopped message guys first and just like their profile which basically sends a notification to them saying ‘hey, this girl likes the look of you’. He messaged me back…. God this never happened before! Usually I have messages from sleazy guys but not from someone that I was interested in. My first thought was ‘I bet he not read my profile, and just thought what a pretty face’ and would stop messaging me when he learns that I am deaf. Boy, was I wrong!? He thought it was ‘interesting’ and wanted to know more.

After messaging each other for a few weeks, we eventually had our first date. I was very anxious, total opposite to him. I had the usual first date anxiety: what if I’m not attracted to him, or him to me, or we didn’t connect. On top of that I had my ‘deaf anxiety’; will I understand him? What if he mumbles? What if I mispronounces words? And the truth is I did struggle to hear him but luckily he had really clear lip patterns, which made it easier to lip read. I thought he spoke posh!

The first time I stayed over, I slept in my hearing aid. Which fellow deafies will know is rather uncomfortable. I slept in them because I didn’t want to take them out in front of him, they can get gunky at times and there’s an element of vulnerability when I take out my hearing and be in completed silence. Also hearing people do have a habit of talking to you, after you’ve taken them out and everyone feels stupid as result of this. Plus we tend to lay in the dark talking, till we fall asleep. Then there the question of ‘intimacy’ and the debate of hearing aids in or out. Hearing aids in equals amplified breathing, feedback and whistling, and hearing aids out equal no verbal communication. And first time sleeping with someone does require some kind of verbal directions.

Then there the meeting of his family and friends, who are all hearing and most likely never really came across a deaf person or have had the opportunity to learn any deaf awareness. Great bunch of people, minimal deaf awareness. Especially in group settings, they talk to me without getting my attention so I’m not aware that they’re talking to me, mumbling, speaking quietly to name a few. Being a deaf person and like all deaf people, we adapted or we pretended we knew what was going on.

Fast forward 16 months and we’re living together.

I can lip read him clearly, no little to no issues. Remember lip reading is mainly guesswork. I now go to bed with 1 hearing aid in, and when he starts snoring. I know he’s asleep and the hearing aid comes out. Over time deaf awareness amongst friends and family increased due to spending time around a deaf person, me.

Deaf hearing relationships has its challenges, but they can be overcome. This is down to good clear communication and adapting to each other. He wasn’t deaf aware when we met but after getting to know each and talking about how my deafness affects me, and what support I need. He became much more deaf aware, and more than me sometimes. I’m forever talking to him when he’s in the other room or going upstairs, and then I don’t understand the response. I can’t blame him for that. I need to practice what I preach. He makes me aware if I’m saying something incorrectly, and helps me to correct it. This sometime makes us laugh. Sometimes we misunderstand each other, but we always talk it out. Being deaf is a communication barrier in itself, both partners need to be understanding and respectful of this. Not to be impatient or get too frustrated if not being understood.

There will be a time when he will be a hearing person in a deaf world, and the shoe will be on the other foot.

I’m grateful that he is open to learning sign language and has learned a few signs. It warms my heart when he tells me he loves me in British sign language (BSL), it means more than saying it verbally. It doesn’t mean he love me more or less, in whatever way he says I love you, but in BSL to me it means acceptance. It means I love the deaf you. More importantly when we have children there is a strong likelihood that we will have a deaf child (I really hope so) and our child will be brought up both orally and using sign language. I want my children to be able to fluidly move between both worlds. Something that I didn’t have the chance to do.

Overall I am very lucky to have found someone who completes me.

Time to blow cobwebs off my blog

Wow, it has been sooooo long since I’ve written in my blog. Many changes have happened, seasons have come and go.

The last time I wrote was when I was experiencing further hearing lost in my left ear, and severe tinnitus as result of ear operation. I am pleased to say that there has been no further deterioration. I’ve adjusted really well to being profoundly deaf in my left ear. However I have noticed that my speech isn’t as clear as it used to be. Which is a source of amusement to myself and others… I’ve developed a lisp!

At times I cannot believe that it was only a few years ago that I was going through this turmoil and worrying about losing my residual hearing, and how it will impact and change the course of my future. At the time of all this I was in my final year of university, and struggling to get to the finishing line to graduate. Luckily I was surrounded by so many supportive people, who’ve help me to get where I am today.

I have graduated university with a 2:1, and secured a job in drug and alcohol addiction very soon after. And the biggest change is…. I now have a boyfriend whom I live with, and he is hearing.

Looking back, I’ve realised as I’ve moved forward in my life. I’ve seemed to move away from my Deaf identity. I’m back to being surrounded exclusively by hearing people. I haven’t used BSL properly in years, or even talk about anything Deaf related. As result of this, I’ve stopped writing my blog.

I really need to reconnect with my Deaf identity again. Since it’s a big part of who I am. I aim to at least write one blog post a week about various things, and I’ve got a feeling it will be about being in a relationship with a hearing person…. Poor fella! Future star of my blog perhaps…?

Well,

About 3 weeks ago I had a really really bad ear infection, and still haven’t got the hearing I had back! What makes it harder is that the ear infection was in my good ear. I’ve got both hearing aids in but doesn’t make much of difference, other than helping with my balance. 

I coped rather well, having to rely on my worst ear which has 95Db loss, but I am getting tired and fed up now. Really fed up! 

Even more at work, and to be honest it is started to knock my confidence I have in myself as a worker. I feel like i’m a burden, and I’m not functioning to my best ability. Previously I could just about managed the phones but now I am not using phones which I feel hampers my work as I use phone a lot. I know that my colleagues are understanding, but I still cant help feeling inadequate. Every time the phone rings, it reminds me what I cant do. Hence the knock on the confidence.

I should focus on what my strengths are and what I can do instead…. but it is hard!

Recently my old thoughts have snuck back….. “If only I was hearing”

I am proud of my deafness and what I have achieved, but the old insecurities are sneaking in. I’m awareness this is a result of me being fed up!!! Cant wait to get the hearing I had previously come back.

Tinnitus doesn’t help either!!!!! 

I am so excited to head back to university to continue my development of sign language; Starting Level 3 in January. 

Developing my skills and knowledge surrounding British Sign Language is important to me; It is a part of my Deaf Identity. It is about becoming comfortable within my D/deaf hood.

But overall……. I’M EXCITED!!! Woooooooooo!

If I could go back in time and meet the 14 year old me, there’s so much I want to say. That girl I was, I was in pain, constant sadness, I didn’t know who I was or what I couldn’t be. There were times I would go to bed wishing that I wouldn’t wake up.

1/ You’re not the failure you think you are. You can achieve anything you want to do.

2/ You are surrounded by people that love and care about you. You cant feel it because you wont let yourself.

3/ Being deaf is not that bad, it may hurt a lot but it’ll be worth worth it when you’re older.

4/ Being deaf will become a big part of you are, and you will love it. You will love it all; the language, the culture and yourself.

5/ if you don’t wake up tomorrow, you won’t know what tomorrow brings. I never had a positive deaf role model,and would have benefit greatly from it. I may have achieve self acceptance early. But these things happen for a reason…..

I pretty much lost all hearing in my left ear, to the point that the hearing aid doesn’t really help that much. I still wear my hearing aid as I find comfort in wearing it, and yet at the same time it reminds me how much it hurts to lose my hearing. It hurts so much but I’ve come to appreciate the hearing I do have in my right ear.

I need to stop wearing that hearing aid because it’s not good for me emotionally and mentally. The hearing is gone and I need to accept that and move forward. Wearing the aid will not enable me to move forward.

I need to incorporate non hearing aids days and increase till I stop it as I’m not ready to stop it completely just yet.

One day I will stop wearing but I cannot see when.

Well I’ve been using one hearing aid the past couple of weeks, and it is easy to listen without all the useless noise and that is hard for me to admit. But I have been missing wearing it: the sensation of wearing it and the noise. I constantly feel that there is a part of me is missing - I don’t feel whole at the moment. Every time I look in the mirror and see my ears I am reminded that one is broken. I used to feel broken growing up with deafness, and then I became whole in myself accepting my deaf identity. Now I feel that has been taken away from me. This is strange thing to be feeling because I was deaf before and after, so why do I feel like this? 

I have on occasions put my hearing aid in as I find I can slightly hear isolated noise, so I use it to listen to music via my hear hooks.(loudly might I add). When I take it back out, I miss it even more. I could leave it out 100% of the time, but I don’t feel strong enough to resist. I would miss it less and less over time if I didn’t wear it, I want to wear. I want to hear the useless noise, it makes me feel like it’s still working and hasn’t given up haha!!

Overall it sucks! and at times I’m struggling! I don’t verbalize this to the people, but at times I’m not okay! I find it easier to smile and say everything is okay.

They say time is a great healer, but how much time do I need? How long is acceptable?