- In an era of sexual enlightenment there is still a stigma attached to bisexuality. But it’s real, and there’s nothing to be afraid of, says relationships coach.
- She explains how to determine if you are bisexual, and suggests ways to break the news to a loved one that you are bi, and how to receive such news.
Luisa Tam, (South China Morning Post) 20 Oct, 2019
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We may be living in an era of wider sexual acceptance, but there is still a lot of stigma surrounding bisexuality.
Biphobia – an aversion to bisexual people – is mostly born of misinformation and fuelled by myths and biases perpetuated by people unfamiliar with bisexuality. As a result, many bisexuals choose to remain in the closet.
Among the common misconceptions about bisexuals is that they need to have relationships with both females and males in order to be truly bisexual; that they are promiscuous, which leads some to assume they cannot be monogamous and will stray “the other way”; and that bi people are sexual deviants who frequently engage in threesomes and orgies.
Some people deny bisexuality is a genuine sexual orientation, seeing it as just a phase; in their eyes, bi people are indecisive and are therefore using bisexuality as an excuse to explore their sexuality. Expressions such as “bi now, gay later” encourage this mindset.
Some detractors say bi women are not truly bi, as their ulterior motive is to get the attention of heterosexual men; some even go as far as to accuse bi people of flaunting their bisexual status to appear trendy.
Because of the stigma attached to bisexuality, bi people may feel misunderstood, judged, or sidelined, and can often be overwhelmed by fear, says Nathalie Sommer, a certified relationship and intimacy coach.
“There is also the process of coming into acceptance with what you are. It can be quite a process and can come with many questions like: Am I truly bisexual? Is it OK to prefer one gender more than the other? How do I explain this to my current/future partner? Will my partner even accept me for being bi, or will they assume that I am promiscuous?” says Sommer.
Such concerns are totally valid. To alleviate these and others, Sommer offers some tips to people uncertain whether they are bisexual or gay.
“Firstly, I want to say that sexuality is fluid and it can change over time whether it’s a phase or not. But if you are sexually attracted to both males and females, then you are bisexual. It doesn’t have to be a measure of 50/50; in fact, sexuality is on a spectrum. For example, you can be attracted more to guys than girls or the other way around.
“Also, there’s a difference between being romantically attracted and being sexually attracted to both sexes. Some bisexual people are only interested in romantic relationships with one of the sexes, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are bisexual,” Sommer explains.
So, what should you do if you are dating a bisexual person?
“Obviously, you should accept them for who they are as a person – just like in any other relationship – and who they are attracted to,” she says.
“Don’t be shy about asking them questions. If you’re not sure about something, just ask them to explain it to you. It takes two to make a relationship work and the more we understand about one another, the healthier the relationship.”
Additionally, you shouldn’t let insecurities overcome you. Common insecurities that may creep in include suspecting that your partner will stray because they are attracted to both sexes.
“Don’t let jealousy become a problem. Just because someone is bisexual doesn’t mean they’ll stray, so don’t bring up infidelity all the time or constantly think they’ll cheat. Everyone is capable of straying no matter what gender,” Sommer says.
If you are bisexual, there are tactful ways to tell your partner and make coming out as bi easier for both parties, she says.
First, think about how you would like to express yourself and what would you like to explain. Then plan a day and time to tell them, as timing matters.
“ You want to make sure they are not in the middle of doing something so they can be present, and it doesn’t come out of nowhere and come as a complete surprise.
Relationships happen for a reason
“Definitely don’t tell them during a fight. You want the environment to be calm and comfortable, so it feels safe to express and for the other person to be there and listen. You can also let them know what you need from them. For example, you want them to just listen first but offer an opportunity for them to ask questions or express how they feel later.
“Try not to predict an outcome. Remember that your partner will have their emotions or reactions, so allow them the time and space to express and release them. Offer to answer their questions, but also ask questions on how they feel. The point is to keep the conversation ongoing.”
On the question of whether to hide your bisexuality until a relationship is rock solid, Sommer says it is very much a personal decision.
She says you may want to tell a person straight-up that you are bisexual to avoid potential misunderstanding or resentment down the road. But she adds: “If it’s just dating and you’re not sure yet if it’s going anywhere then it may not be necessary to bring it up.”
If your partner comes out as bisexual, Sommer strongly suggests dealing with it with compassion and acceptance, as well as a healthy dose of curiosity.
“We’re all allowed to feel our emotions and express them as long as we don’t project them onto the other person and blame them for how we feel or make them feel guilty for being honest.
“It is always best to ask questions, especially if you are not familiar with bisexuality, or maybe do your own research to be more informed. You can also try to put yourself in your partner’s shoes and think about how you would feel and how you would like them to react,” she says.
How far would you go to satisfy your partner’s sexual demands?
Asking questions will not only clear up any misunderstandings, but demonstrate to your partner that you are making an effort to understand them and what it means to be bisexual.
In short, the best approach is to ask questions, talk about it, not be afraid to express your fears and concerns, keep an open mind, and never ever be judgmental.
It takes a lot for someone to come out and be honest about their sexuality, so make it as easy as possible for them, whether they are your friend, family member, or partner.
Así describe Matt, un joven graduado que vive en Cambridge, Reino Unido, cómo es ser una persona bisexual en una cita amorosa. “Me asusta cómo reaccionará la gente”, cuenta a la BBC.
“Una chica con la que estaba saliendo me dijo que la sola idea de que yo estuviera con un hombre le daba vuelta el estómago. Luego me bloqueó en todo”, cuenta.
Por eso Matt dice sentirse forzado a mentir sobre su sexualidad para poder simplemente empezar una relación.
“Cuando salgo con gente y menciono que soy bisexual, la relación termina. Cuando miento y oculto mi sexualidad, dura. Todavía no sé si debería revelarlo desde el principio o esperar, porque cuanto más espero, más ansioso me pongo, pero no quiero que la relación termine”, explica.
“Siento que si termino en una relación heterosexual, parece que solo estuve experimentando todos estos años, pero si termino en una relación homosexual, la gente dirá que nunca fui bisexual. Y luego, si no tengo una relación monógama, la gente dirá que soy codicioso”.
Matt es una de las personas con las que habló Ben Hunte, periodista de la BBC especializado en temas LGBT, en el marco del Día Internacional de la Visibilidad Bisexual, que se celebra cada 23 de septiembre.
Y si bien cada vez a nivel general existe una mayor aceptación de la comunidad LGBTI, aún persisten muchos mitos sobre la “B”.
“En el acrónimo ‘LGBTI’, la 'B’ a menudo se eclipsa, lo que lleva a la invisibilidad de las personas bisexuales y a la negación de los detalles sobre su experiencia”, dice la Comisión Interamericana de Derechos Humanos (CIDH) de la ONU.
“Piensan que la bisexualidad es un fetiche”
Nichi Hodgson es una escritora que vive en Londres. Ella dice que salió “tarde” del armario, a los 26 años, y tuvo problemas para explorar quién era debido a las presiones de la sociedad para ser heterosexual u homosexual.
“Es un viaje loco debido a la cantidad de conceptos erróneos”, cuenta. “La gente todavía no logra entender la bisexualidad”.
Nichi también dice que ha tenido que ocultar su bisexualidad en los perfiles de citas online: “Tuve que tener uno heterosexual y uno gay, porque tener uno bisexual me generó serios problemas”.
“Algunas personas piensan que la bisexualidad es un fetiche y una forma codificada de decir sadomasoquismo. Es como que estás dispuesto a lo que sea. Hay un verdadero estigma”, opina.
Pero eso no es todo. Nichi dice haber escuchado decir “que las personas bisexuales no se casan, simplemente se 'enderezan’ y se casan. Hay una presión social real para ser heterosexual y no bisexual”.
“Mi exnovia solía bromear diciendo que tendría que desinfectarme antes de poder acostarse conmigo porque antes había estado con chicos”, cuenta. “Estaba realmente perturbada. Es muy doloroso”.
“Parece socialmente aceptable ser bifóbico”
Lewis Oakley es un activista y escritor bisexual que vive en Manchester y actualmente tiene una relación con una mujer.
Según Lewis, su novia es juzgada por estar con él y la gente hasta le advierte que él la engañará con un hombre.
“Parece que es socialmente aceptable que seas honesto sobre tu discriminación hacia los bisexuales. Nadie me ha dicho 'Eww, eres de raza mixta, no podría salir contigo’, pero constantemente se me dice que mi bisexualidad no se ajusta a las necesidades de las personas”, cuenta.
Lewis dice que cuando las personas se declaran bisexuales, inmediatamente quitan del abanico de opciones “tanto a los gays como a los heterosexuales, porque ambos los rechazan”.
“Es cierto que muchos hombres homosexuales se declararon bisexuales para cambiar su sexualidad”, explica. “Pero no se dan cuenta de que, aunque para algunas personas la bisexualidad es un trampolín, para otros es un destino”.
Una “epidemia oculta”
Lo que Matt, Nichi y Lewis cuentan no son casos aislados.
“La existencia de personas bisexuales es constantemente cuestionada y, a veces, incluso negada. A menudo, la bisexualidad es calificada de inválida, inmoral o irrelevante”, dice la CIDH.
“La bifobia, una de las causas principales de la violencia, discriminación, pobreza y peores niveles de salud mental y física experimentada por las personas bisexuales; se ve alimentada por la falta de visibilidad a menudo presente en comunidades de orientación sexual o identidad de género diversas”, agrega.
De acuerdo con la ONG Stonewall, de Reino Unido, 32% de los bisexuales no son abiertos sobre su orientación sexual con ningún miembro de su familia, comparado con 8% de las lesbianas y los gays.
Por otra parte, un informe de la Universidad Abierta de Inglaterra encontró que las tasas de depresión, ansiedad, autolesiones y suicidio eran más altas entre los bisexuales que en los grupos de heterosexuales y homosexuales.
En el ámbito laboral, una encuesta de la empresa TUC realizada a 1.151 personas LGBT en Reino Unido, 30% de las personas bisexuales dijeron que en el trabajo vivieron tocamientos no deseados en lugares como la rodilla o la parte baja de la espalda.
A su vez, 21% dijo haber experimentado tocamientos no deseados en los genitales, senos o trasero, y 11% haber sufrido violación o acoso sexual en el trabajo.
De acuerdo con la secretaria general de TUC, Frances O'Grady, los resultados revelan una “epidemia oculta”.
“Las personas bisexuales deberían sentirse seguras y apoyadas en el trabajo, pero en cambio están experimentando niveles impactantes de acoso sexual”, dice O'Grady.
“El acoso sexual no tiene lugar en un lugar de trabajo moderno ni en la sociedad en general”.
Given the great strides toward equality the LGBTQ+ community has made in recent years — including the legalization of same-sex marriage nationwide and increased representation of queer people in media — it would seem to hold that today’s queer youth have much better lives than their predecessors.
But beyond the most sweeping victories for LGBTQ+ rights, today’s queer youth still face massive challenges, which are compounded where they intersect with race. Feeling unsafe at school and feelings of worthlessness plague young queer people, as do startlingly high rates of depression and lack of sleep.
These revelations and more were exposed in the groundbreaking new “LGBTQ Youth Report,” conducted by the Human Rights Campaign in conjunction with researchers at the University of Connecticut. A survey of over 12,000 LGBTQ+ teenagers across the nation, it paints an intimate portrait of the obstacles queer youth face at home, in school, and in their communities — and found that supportive families and schools are key to their wellbeing,
An alarming 77 percent of LGBTQ+ teenagers, defined in the report as youth 13 to 17 years old, reported feeling depressed or down over the week preceding the survey, and 95 percent expressed having trouble sleeping at night. The report notes that these high rates could be explained by the variety of stressors young queer people face, including harassment, family and peer rejection, bullying from their peers, isolation and a lack of a sense of belonging.
Sixty-seven percent of respondents, for example, say they’ve heard family members make negative comments about LGBTQ+ people. “I overhear anti-LGBTQ slurs on the bus every single school day,” says one respondent. Overall, only 26 percent of LGBTQ+ youth report to feeling safe in their schools, and only 24 percent say they can “definitely” be themselves at home with their family.
The mental health crisis facing LGBTQ+ teens is compounded by lack of access to adequate and affirming counseling services. Only 41 percent of respondents say they have received psychological or emotional counseling to address their mental health issues within the past 12 months. And only 37 percent of respondents of color say they’ve received psychological or emotional counseling in the past 12 months. Youth who have received counseling, the report notes, reported better mental health outcomes.
“These harrowing statistics show the devastating toll rejection by family and peers, bullying and harassment, and apathy on the part of too many adults is having on America’s young people,” says HRC President Chad Griffin in a press release. “When this administration rescinds guidance protecting transgender students, or when lawmakers attempt to grant a license to discriminate to schools, colleges, and universities, it further erodes the fragile landscape for young people across the nation.”
Young LGBTQ+ respondents also say they hesitate to come out in healthcare environments, which can prevent their specific needs from being met. A majority of them, 67 percent, say they have not revealed their sexual orientation to their care provider, and 61 percent say they have not revealed their gender identity.
“I live in the Bible Belt,” one respondent says. “Also I’m afraid that any information or questions that I have aren’t confidential between me and my councilor. I’m afraid he’ll call my parents or try to convince me that my sexuality is wrong.”
But the report also shows signs of hope. 91 percent of youth report feeling pride in being an LGBTQ+ person, and 93 percent are proud to be a part of the community. Three out of five LGBTQ+ students, meanwhile, say they have access to an LGBTQ+ student club at their school, which has been shown to improve quality of life.
