#catholic guilt
If you’re on my blog or in these tags, this week might be difficult for you.
I know it will probably be difficult for me - it usually is.
Good Friday was always hard when I was a Catholic; they always laid the guilt on extra thick.
Over the course of my deconstruction, I have found so much freedom and relief in no longer participating in Lent and in no longer believing.
And yet I find that Easter is now much more difficult for me as an apostate. Maybe it’s because my associations with Easter are not just bunnies and chicks and pastels. All of that was superceded by the crushing guilt and gore that was ever-present surrounding Easter.
If you are reading this and feeling anxious, guilty, sad, conflicted, etc. heading into the week ahead, I love you and I am with you.
Whether you are just beginning your deconstruction, whether you’ve been out for decades, whether you have to pretend this weekend or not, I hope you can take some time and make some space for yourself and your own needs.
I’m planning on making some type of “coping” toolkit post this week if I have time.
They say to wear your best clothes for church, but that you would be accepted in rags.
They say to repent for your very existence in sin or you will go to hell, but they say you are pure from the start.He sacrificed Himself to forgive you your sins, but they say you are dirty and live in filth, never to be washed clean.
How can you ever know for sure, if you are forgiven?
Raised Catholic things: you won’t step foot in a church but you can’t watch any fictional depiction of Mass without twitching when they use a different translation than the one you know
my cult trauma is wierd.
i have this overwhelming sense that i have a major trauma in my past. i spent a lot of my childhood wishing something bad would happen to me so that i could justify these feelings. and even now, i know it’s the cult, i still feel like it’s not bad enough. my trauma isn’t enough.
but not only that, i feel like i can’t blame the cult. the idea that it is good and right and that there’s no other way is so ingrained in me, that even though i know it’s wrong and traumatic and stole 16+ years of my life, i still can’t quite rationalize my feelings and responses to it.
it’s like someone told you after almost two decades of life that the sky isn’t blue, it’s been green all along, and all the facts point to that being true, and you know rationally that it is, and you know you’ve been lied to your whole life. you know the sky is green, but if someone asked you, you would still automatically say that the sky is blue.
(the sky is actually blue. not trying to trigger anything in anyone.)
FleabagS2: ep6
this show is so spectacular and will always have a place in my heart
i’m not even kidding i did not realize nobody in the show (except claire and martin) was called by a name until i looked up the cast list
