#ex fundie
my cult trauma is wierd.
i have this overwhelming sense that i have a major trauma in my past. i spent a lot of my childhood wishing something bad would happen to me so that i could justify these feelings. and even now, i know it’s the cult, i still feel like it’s not bad enough. my trauma isn’t enough.
but not only that, i feel like i can’t blame the cult. the idea that it is good and right and that there’s no other way is so ingrained in me, that even though i know it’s wrong and traumatic and stole 16+ years of my life, i still can’t quite rationalize my feelings and responses to it.
it’s like someone told you after almost two decades of life that the sky isn’t blue, it’s been green all along, and all the facts point to that being true, and you know rationally that it is, and you know you’ve been lied to your whole life. you know the sky is green, but if someone asked you, you would still automatically say that the sky is blue.
(the sky is actually blue. not trying to trigger anything in anyone.)
