#childe hurt comfort

plot: you walk in on tartaglia having a meltdown 

warnings: hurt/comfort, but very little comfort, description of self hate (the character, not the reader) 

i listened to god must hate me and nearly made myself cry writing this one

there was exactly zero thoughts in your head as you headed back home from your stroll. initially, you were just going to stop by bubu pharmacy and pick up some things, but from then you just went on walking through each and every little street and pathway liyue has to offer, enjoying the nice weather and the overall gleeful mood everyone seemed to be in. 

by the time you reached the door to your home, it was already getting dark, and your hand was all red and hurting from carrying the shopping bags for a long time, but it didn’t seem to have dampened your mood. you turned the key in the lock of your door and pushed it open with your foot. 

“i’m back!” you shouted, announcing your return to your boyfriend, who you supposed had to be home by now, considering it was his day off as well, but mentally you were prepared to find a note with his usual “hi love, i got called back to work, don’t know when i’ll be back, see you later, love you, don’t miss me too much” resting on the kitchen counter or the dining table. 

when you were met with silence, the thought of him having left seemed even more realistic, and though you weren’t exactly surprised, it did sting you a bit, you were looking forward to spending the day together. 

having closed the door, and while making peace with the fact that you had to entertain yourself alone this evening, you began the tedious task of putting the groceries away, and generally organizing everything that you’ve bought. only after finishing that did you venture further into your home, intentionally walking towards the bathroom, to maybe make yourself a nice bath or something of sorts. 

you halted upon hearing a soft thud coming from the room that has been recently turned into tartaglia’s workplace, or more likely, gym, as if someone fell in there. frozen in place, suspecting it to be a thief or something, because surely if childe was home he would’ve said hi, you waited for the next sound. 

you didn’t expect it to be a curse word said in a brittle voice, followed by something sliding towards the floor. recognizing the owner of said voice instantly, you didn’t even bother to knock before opening the door wide, and marching in there. 

you were met with a difficult situation. your boyfriend was indeed there, and as it turned out, he was the one to have fallen on the floor, now hiding his face between his knees and crossed arms, looking like a lost kid. in front of him, there was a punching bag that has seen better times, and besides, a lot of broken objects that he had to slam against the floor or something along the lines of that. the room seemed tense and you stayed silent for a moment before coming back to your senses and walking up to his side. 

“love?” you asked quietly, crouching in front of him. he didn’t notice your presence, still very deep inside of his own mind, muttering another “fuck” under his breath. “hey” you nudged his shoulder, attempting to speak as softly as it was humanly possible. 

to say it was rare to see the almighty, confident and even presumptuous lord tartaglia like this would be an understatement; you were almost sure you had never, ever seen him break down, nor have you heard of a situation like that happening. hence, you didn’t exactly know how to act. it got to you rather painfully that, while he was an expert at cheering you up and getting you out of the worst breakdowns, you had to idea how to do the same for him. 

he didn’t lift his head up, but you did hear a quiet “what do you want” coming from him. it was hoarse and wobbly, and didn’t sound like him at all. 

“what’s up? why’re we sitting in the dark?” you continued carefully, your fingers running through his hair, since he normally liked it, in any attempt of bringing him some comfort. 

the room fell silent again, and you thought of either leaving him be and just sitting there, or asking another question, but were thrown off tracks by a sudden reply.

“i’m a lost cause” he said slowly, leaving you completely stunned. “i’m-” he started again, but ran out of breath “i can’t even-”

“easy” you coaxed, feeling his body tremble under your hand. “darling, look at me” 

“no” he shook his head instantly, attempting to cover up even tighter. 

“come on, please. i want to help you.” 

witnessing him struggle to even show you, a person he loved, his face, was breaking your heart piece by piece, but nothing could’ve prepared you for what you saw when he finally did lift his head up. 

your eyes were met with his, usually bright and blue, like the sea on a sunny day, now painted a hue bordering on violet, tired and dark, bloodshot with veins all around the iris. his face was as if broken and glued back together with a lavender glue, like his blood turned a different shade and painted his face, almost as if with makeup. the lines were glowing slightly, shining a sickly light at the rest of his pale condition. it wouldn’t feel enough to say it was scary sight - it got the blood in your veins circle back into your heart, or at least that’s what you felt. 

his face was wet with tears and sweat, and had a desperate look painted all over it. you didn’t think twice before moving your hand to cup his cheek, but he urged away from the contact, as if it hurt him. 

only then did you start noticing a bunch of very familiar and very worrying details - how his clothes were ripped, how he struggled breathing, how hot his skin felt, how his hair looked as if he was out faced with strong wind, instead of just sitting in a room. 

“you used it” you stated “why?”

as if on cue, tears started spilling from his eyes again, and he turned away, searching for words. 

“i was trying to get better at it” he admitted “i thought… the reason for why i always feel like i’m dying afterwards is because im tired from battle, or because of something in the environment, or… i just hoped it wasn’t just my fault”

“but-”

“the last time i trained it in safe conditions were still in the fatui facilities. i was young. i thought that now, now that i stopped growing and all, maybe it’d have less of an affect on me. it didn’t. it doesn’t.” 

“we know for a while now that it doesn’t. you know it damn well. why would you-”

“oh for fucks sake!” he interrupted with more energy than in the entirety of the conversation “how would you feel knowing that you have something, you are something every damn army in the world would desire, that you’re supposed to be so special and all, and you can’t even do it right?” his voice was balancing on the fine edge of a cry. “i am nothing more than a simple instrument of war and havoc, and i’m failing at the one thing i’m supposedly good at. i was sent away from home, my father hates me to this day, i spent my teenage years being trained, tested, looked down on, pointed at, sent away as far from my homeland as possible, all for nothing? all for not even being good enough at the one thing that caused it?”

your heart ached. your entire body and spirit ached. you wanted to shout “no” at him, but you couldn’t interrupt something so important, thought heart wrenching.

“ajax, you’re a human being.” you whispered “human beings have boundaries.”

“i have been told i was a monster far too many times to still believe something as naive” he hissed, an unknowing shade of hatred appearing in his eyes. even if it wasn’t directed at you, you still felt small under his piercing gaze. he cleared his throat before coming back to the previous subject. “i… wanted to see how long i could manage. recently i noticed i get tired way easier than i once did when using it, and that the effects last longer. and other than that…” he stopped, looking into your eyes, as if he was searching for your approval to continue. “it’s taking control over me. i get… i get dreams, visions, my face looks different, sometimes a voice in my head starts whispering into my thoughts. it’s terrifying.” 

like hell it was terrifying. just the way he said it made shivers run up your spine. 

“control as in…?” you asked carefully

“as in it’s either going to kill me or make me do it myself” he murmured before practically bursting into tears. you rushed to hug him, feeling your eyes prickle as well, and this time were met with hands embracing your body desperately, pulling you as close as he possibly could, to a suffocating extent. “i don’t want to die yet” he begged in a whisper, making you sob as well. 

you wanted to say something, you had to, but words just wouldn’t come out. 

“fuck, if i was just a little stronger, had just a little more willpower… why do i have to be this pathetic? the unbeatable tartaglia beaten by tartaglia himself! i guess that’s a fitting end to my story”

this was your cue for bringing yourself back up and facing him with a fierce look. 

“you’re not pathetic. and you’re not going to die. you’re by far the strongest person i know, and i know by previous experience you can do anything you set your mind to. you’re the one who always turns problems into challenges, and aren’t challenges what you love the most? if that’s what you fear, then do what you always do and defeat it. and i’ll be there to say you won, just as you always do.” you tried hard to steady your voice and to make it sound confident, even thought you were at the verge of panic. you believed every word you said, but still, even the thought of loosing your love was way too hard for you to bear. “i will turn the world upside down if that’s what i have to do in order to help you, but i will do it. i will do anything to ensure you’re safe. i promise” you said, wrapping your pinkie around his, just like he always does. 

you watched as the violet strings on his face slowly subdued and color returned to his cheeks. 

“you really believe that?” he asked, but it wasn’t at all sarcastic. there was a desperate hope in his voice, a need of reassurance you’ve never seen him show before. 

“i know it” you answered confidently. “i mean, your parents really did look into the future before naming you after a mythical hero”

“a mythical hero who went insane” he argued immediately. 

“well, unless you’re on bad terms with a god like athena then i don’t think that kind of an end awaits you”

“someone has done their reading” it was nice to see humor coming back to him “well, not unless mister zhongli counts”

“isn’t it him who’s on bad terms with you?” you joked carefully, knowing rex lapis’ lie was still a sensitive subject with your boyfriend.

“gods” he chuckled “i must’ve done something really good in my past life to deserve you in this one”

you responded with a smile 

“then i guess we were both once saints”

“what a nice contrast that would make”