#cw clitoris

[The following contains explicit instructions on how to masturbate. Reader discretion is advised.]

Why talk about this? Most school-age sex ed resources steer far clear of the specifics. Many aces avoid the kinds of sexual conversations with friends that might talk about it, and aren’t driven to the kinds of personal experimentation that can lead to its discovery. Later on, most adult sex ed resources skip the basics, assuming that you’ve already figured it out, and the ones that don’t are usually too allocentric to be of much use. That leaves a large knowledge gap which many aces fall into. This aims to help fill in that gap for the curious.

Before we begin, there’s no “right way” to do it. There’s no defined procedure you must follow. Masturbation is personal and individual. What works well for one person may not work for another. What will be described here is just one possible way to do it, but not the only way. There’s no guarantee these steps will work for you, and you will almost certainly have to try more than once to get any results in any case. Please experiment and alter these instructions as you wish, and don’t be embarrassed to ask for clarification or an alternate technique.

And remember: You don’t have to masturbate if you don’t want to. Try it if you’re curious, but if you decide that it’s not for you, that’s perfectly all right. Don’t force yourself to do something you hate.

Okay, let’s get started…

Find a place to masturbate. Typically, this is a comfortable place and somewhere you have a reasonable expectation of privacy (and a lockable door). If you are not alone, be sure that you have the consent of everyone else around. Common places to masturbate include a bed or a shower.

Grab a towel. I’ll explain later. (Unless you’re in the shower or bathtub. You don’t need a towel there and if you grab one, you’ll just end up with a useless wet towel.)

Determine what is in your pants. Normally that doesn’t matter, but here, the technique described will vary widely depending on the type of anatomy you have. If you have a tube like thing and some dangly bits, follow the instructions marked “penis”. If you have a bunch of folds of skin, follow the instructions marked “vulva”. Not everyone will fit exactly into these two categories, so pick whichever’s closest or mix and match from both sets as appropriate.

Vulva:

Sit or lay on the towel. I’ll explain why later.

Find your clitoris. If you don’t know where it is, reach down to your vulva (that place with the flaps and folds mentioned earlier), and feel around for a nubby thing in the front, where the labia (the name for the flaps of skin) come together in a V. It’s in the area where you pee from, towards the front. It’s covered by a small hood. Some people recommend looking at that area in a mirror to get a sense of how it’s all arranged.

Begin rubbing your clitoris or the area around it. There are a lot of ways to do this, and you will need to experiment with a technique to figure out what works for you. For each method, you can vary the speed and pressure.

Here are some examples:

• Moving fingers in small circles while pressing on the clitoris.
• Run their fingers up and down alongside the clitoris, squeezing it from the side.
• Pull the hood up and down, sliding it against the clitoris.
• Press palm or heel of hand against the clitoris and move around.
• Some people don’t use their hands at all, and instead press their vulva against a pillow and rock back and forth.

Some people find direct clitoral stimulation to be uncomfortable or intense. Rubbing the clitoris through clothing or a soft towel can help lessen the intensity of the stimulation and make the experience more tolerable.

Continue rubbing your clitoris with your hand. When you first start out, you may not feel much. It can take time for the sensations to build. If nothing seems to be happening after a while, try a different technique, or alter the speed or pressure of the stimulation.

If the rubbing begins to feel irritating, lubrication may be helpful to reduce friction. Your vagina may be producing natural lubrication during this process, and it is conveniently located near the clitoris. If you do not wish to use that, or if you do not have enough vaginal lubrication to use, some people use saliva, or KY Jelly or other safe lube for that area. For some people, certain kinds of lube can cause irritation or burning in certain areas and they’re best to be avoided.

At some point, if you’re on the right track, the sensations down there should begin to change. For many people, these sensations are pleasurable. Some people may experience some sensations they describe as tingly, warm, full, or like there’s building pressure, like you have to pee (But don’t worry, you probably won’t).

Now that you have the hang of it, continue until “done”. Done can mean that you’ve had one or more orgasms, or that you’ve gotten sore or tired, or have lost interest, or you’ve run out of time, or whatever else you consider to be “done”. “Done” is what you make it, there’s no one “right” way to finish.

Throughout this process, it’s possible that your vulva has gotten rather wet. If it did, that’s normal, if it didn’t, that’s normal too. The towel you’ve been sitting on may have caught some of this fluid. If you need to wipe off your genitals or your hand, you may use the towel to do so.

Now go wash your hands.

Congratulations, you have just masturbated!

Penis:

You will need to have an erection to proceed. If you do not already have one, you can usually get one by touching or rubbing or pulling or squeezing your penis (that’s the tube thing, the bit that most people who have one use to pee) and/or rubbing your testicles. Start gentle and increase until it starts working. If you get too rough, you may hurt yourself and this’ll be over. For some people, thinking “sexy thoughts” may work, although that tends to be less successful among asexual people. You will know when your erection is hard enough to continue when your penis holds its shape and stands on its own, rather than flopping down limply immediately, like it usually would.

Wrap your hand around your penis as if you’re holding a small bottle or a door handle or something. It doesn’t matter which hand you use. You palm and fingers should curve around it, and your thumb should try to close the circle on the other side. Variations in hand size and penis size mean that you may not be able to fully enclose your penis with your hand. Just cover as much as you can and it’ll work out.

Begin moving your hand up and down the penis in a smooth motion. You’ll probably want to squeeze it slightly. Enough that you can feel it, but probably not so much that it feels like you’re going to pull the thing off. The skin of the penis may slide with your hand as you stroke.

For some people (especially circumcised people), the skin sliding may not be enough. In that case, using lube is strongly recommended. This will lower the friction and allow your hand to slide along the skin. Your penis may supply some natural lubricant itself, but it often won’t be enough. Hand lotion, Vaseline, and baby oil are common lubes that you may already have in your house. (Just don’t use those with condoms, but that’s for another time…) Saliva may also work. Water, although it can make things slippery, does not work as a good lube in this case, as it will simply increase skin to skin friction. Start with a small amount of lube and add more as needed.

Continue stroking your penis with your hand. The stimulation you provide should be keeping your erection going. When you first start out, you may not feel much. It can take time for the sensations to build. If nothing seems to be happening after a while, or if you begin to lose the erection, try altering your speed, pressure, stroke length, amount of lube, etc.

At some point, if you’re on the right track, the sensations down there should begin to change. For many people, these sensations are pleasurable. Some people may experience some sensations they describe as tingly, warm, full, or like there’s building pressure, like you have to pee.

Now that you have the hang of it, continue until “done”. Done can mean that you’ve had one or more orgasms and/or ejaculations, or that you’ve gotten sore or tired, or have lost interest, or you’ve run out of time, or whatever else you consider to be “done”. “Done” is what you make it, there’s no one “right” way to finish.

This is where you use the towel. Wipe off your genitals, wipe off your hand, and, if you ejaculated as part of this, wipe up the semen.

Now go wash your hands.

Congratulations, you have just masturbated!

Conclusion:

As I mentioned at the start, this example gave just one way to masturbate. There are countless other ways to do it, so if this didn’t work, you can try some of those. Also, if you don’t like something about the process, there may be a different way to masturbate that doesn’t involve that. For instance, if you find direct genital contact off-putting, you can use a toy or do it through clothing. If you don’t like the various fluids involved, you can use a barrier like a glove, condom, or dam, or you can do it in the shower or bath where the fluids are immediately washed away. Feel free to ask if you want to know more about other techniques.

These examples focused on the clitoris and the penis pretty much exclusively. This was done because these organs are often the most sensitive and responsive, and many people find stimulating them to be quite effective. However, they’re not the only areas of the body that people stimulate while masturbating. Other sensitive areas include the nipples, neck, vagina, testicles, thighs, and anus. If you have a vagina, there is a sensitive section of the front wall called the G-spot that many people find pleasurable to stimulate. If you have a penis, there is a sensitive organ that can be stimulated through the front wall of the rectum called the prostate that many people find pleasurable to stimulate.

And as always, the ask box is open and accepts anonymous posts! If you have any questions or comments, please send them in. Don’t let embarrassment stand in the way of knowledge. If you’re thinking it, someone else probably is, too! You can also share your tips and techniques here, if you have something that works better for you that others should know about. And finally, if I got something wrong or missed an important step, please let me know!