Masturbation is a full and complete experience in itself, and doesn’t need to be compared to “real” sex if you don’t want to. Viewing masturbation as somehow lesser or incomplete or undesireable is harmful and only serves to make people feel ashamed and embarrassed to do it.
I need to get a ballpark number for a post this weekend, so, uh…
How long does it generally take you to masturbate?
And since this is still Asexual Activities, a follow up: Do you feel like your asexuality plays a role in how long it takes in any way?
You can use the ask box, if you’d prefer to keep it anonymous!
Guess I’ll go, since no one else has:
If I’m not deliberately trying to make it last, I’d say 10-20 minutes usually.
Some anon replies:
“mastrubation can take me anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour depending on how horny I am, how focused I am, if I’m trying something new or not, etc. A 5 minute orgasm usually means about an hour and a half of foreplay sexting with my partner, however. If I’m just doing it to do it I’ll probably enjoy pornographic things for about 20 minutes, and then take 10 minutes to masturbate (I am afab, I just know my body really well at this point)”
“If I want to orgasm, it takes me almost an hour because I get distracted or bored. So mostly now I go about 10 minutes and make myself feel good and when I get bored or distracted I just stop. I suspect maybe I’m not doing it "right” but it works"
On that one, the only right way to masturbate is the way that’s right for you. If you want to stop after about ten minutes, then it’s the right way for you.
“it depends very much on time of the month, if I’m reading/watching porn, and mostly if I’ve found the sweet spot between focus and overthinking. when all the stars align, three minutes. when nothing wants to work, I might lie there, buzzing away, for 45+ minutes before either giving up or finding something that makes it work.”
“Masturbation time answer: the average seems to be 30 minutes for me, mostly because I get distracted by a lot of things, like random thoughts or daily troubles. Although my shortest time was about 9 minutes, while I was half-asleep and not yet awake enough to be distracted from it.
"The half-asleep part seems to be what helps me best in masturbation. I’m awake enough to decide to do it, but not enough for the full daily churn of thought to distract me yet. It helps that this state of mind tends to also let some dreamy part of my imagination act up and help any fantasies become more vivid and stimulating. No telling how long those can last, because sometimes they lead nowhere, sometimes I orgasm, and sometimes I just…fall back asleep ”
“About the ”How long does it generally take you to masturbate?“: Anywhere from one to to four hours, depending of how distracted i get ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”
I’m noticing a trend about being distracted in these responses…
“Re: average time, I’m fairly efficient I guess so a bit of self pleasure before bedtime often only takes like 3-5 minutes for me, maybe closer to 5-10 if I am having an off day and need a bit more effort. If I feel like being indulgent and want to go for multiple orgasms in one session I might go up to 30-40 minutes but that’s super rare and not the norm for me.”
“Idk if you are still taking responses but for the mastrubation time question but I tend to take around 10-15 mins usually. Im a sex neutral ace (afab) and only actually get horny when I’m close to getting my period. The rest of the time I don’t usually mastrubate”
“in response to "how long does it usually take to masturbate”: if I’m particularly horny and I’ve found the right mental simulation, like 15 minutes. if I’m not in the right headspace, if I keep getting distracted or I can’t find the thing that works, it can take 45 minutes or an hour. definitely annoying when that happens, since usually I’m using it to help fall asleep, so if it’s been like 45 minutes and all I’ve done is get myself *more* riled up then that kinda defeats the purpose. on average, I’d say about half an hour. also, I’m afab, if that impacts things.“
"For me, masturbation can take anywhere from 5 minutes to 2 hours. Sometimes distraction does play a role in lengthening the time, sometimes it’s varying levels of arousal, sometimes it’s whether I use a toy or vibrator or just my hands. Oddly enough, sometimes I orgasm faster when I use just my hand. I’m also the type to pump out 3 to 4 orgasms in a session, but those are usually the ones where I’ve worked myself over for about an hour, then I will come another 2 or 3 times within 30 minutes. I used to only do it in a rush, just a general way to get physical release, not really thinking of anything arousing, letting my brain flash through random nonsexual situations or conversations. Now, I will read something that helps me stimulate that part of my brain and actually results in something more pleasurable than perfunctory.”
“Re time it takes to get off: less than 2 minutes no matter the mechanism”
“for the average masturbation time question: probably about half an hour to 45 minutes. at least an hour if I’m going for multiple orgasms.”
“About the time it takes to masturbate: if I have enough time and privacy to take my time then it takes at least half an hour. If I have to do it quickly because of reasons then I turn to porn to get turned on fast and about 15 min.”
“For the masturbation thing: I think I’ve tried maybe like 3 times but got bored because nothing was happening and stopped after like maybe 10 minutes if that”
I need to get a ballpark number for a post this weekend, so, uh…
How long does it generally take you to masturbate?
And since this is still Asexual Activities, a follow up: Do you feel like your asexuality plays a role in how long it takes in any way?
You can use the ask box, if you’d prefer to keep it anonymous!
Guess I’ll go, since no one else has:
If I’m not deliberately trying to make it last, I’d say 10-20 minutes usually.
Some anon replies:
“mastrubation can take me anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour depending on how horny I am, how focused I am, if I’m trying something new or not, etc. A 5 minute orgasm usually means about an hour and a half of foreplay sexting with my partner, however. If I’m just doing it to do it I’ll probably enjoy pornographic things for about 20 minutes, and then take 10 minutes to masturbate (I am afab, I just know my body really well at this point)”
“If I want to orgasm, it takes me almost an hour because I get distracted or bored. So mostly now I go about 10 minutes and make myself feel good and when I get bored or distracted I just stop. I suspect maybe I’m not doing it "right” but it works"
On that one, the only right way to masturbate is the way that’s right for you. If you want to stop after about ten minutes, then it’s the right way for you.
“it depends very much on time of the month, if I’m reading/watching porn, and mostly if I’ve found the sweet spot between focus and overthinking. when all the stars align, three minutes. when nothing wants to work, I might lie there, buzzing away, for 45+ minutes before either giving up or finding something that makes it work.”
“Masturbation time answer: the average seems to be 30 minutes for me, mostly because I get distracted by a lot of things, like random thoughts or daily troubles. Although my shortest time was about 9 minutes, while I was half-asleep and not yet awake enough to be distracted from it.
"The half-asleep part seems to be what helps me best in masturbation. I’m awake enough to decide to do it, but not enough for the full daily churn of thought to distract me yet. It helps that this state of mind tends to also let some dreamy part of my imagination act up and help any fantasies become more vivid and stimulating. No telling how long those can last, because sometimes they lead nowhere, sometimes I orgasm, and sometimes I just…fall back asleep ”
“About the ”How long does it generally take you to masturbate?“: Anywhere from one to to four hours, depending of how distracted i get ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”
I’m noticing a trend about being distracted in these responses…
“Re: average time, I’m fairly efficient I guess so a bit of self pleasure before bedtime often only takes like 3-5 minutes for me, maybe closer to 5-10 if I am having an off day and need a bit more effort. If I feel like being indulgent and want to go for multiple orgasms in one session I might go up to 30-40 minutes but that’s super rare and not the norm for me.”
“Idk if you are still taking responses but for the mastrubation time question but I tend to take around 10-15 mins usually. Im a sex neutral ace (afab) and only actually get horny when I’m close to getting my period. The rest of the time I don’t usually mastrubate”
“in response to "how long does it usually take to masturbate”: if I’m particularly horny and I’ve found the right mental simulation, like 15 minutes. if I’m not in the right headspace, if I keep getting distracted or I can’t find the thing that works, it can take 45 minutes or an hour. definitely annoying when that happens, since usually I’m using it to help fall asleep, so if it’s been like 45 minutes and all I’ve done is get myself *more* riled up then that kinda defeats the purpose. on average, I’d say about half an hour. also, I’m afab, if that impacts things.“
"For me, masturbation can take anywhere from 5 minutes to 2 hours. Sometimes distraction does play a role in lengthening the time, sometimes it’s varying levels of arousal, sometimes it’s whether I use a toy or vibrator or just my hands. Oddly enough, sometimes I orgasm faster when I use just my hand. I’m also the type to pump out 3 to 4 orgasms in a session, but those are usually the ones where I’ve worked myself over for about an hour, then I will come another 2 or 3 times within 30 minutes. I used to only do it in a rush, just a general way to get physical release, not really thinking of anything arousing, letting my brain flash through random nonsexual situations or conversations. Now, I will read something that helps me stimulate that part of my brain and actually results in something more pleasurable than perfunctory.”
“Re time it takes to get off: less than 2 minutes no matter the mechanism”
“for the average masturbation time question: probably about half an hour to 45 minutes. at least an hour if I’m going for multiple orgasms.”
“About the time it takes to masturbate: if I have enough time and privacy to take my time then it takes at least half an hour. If I have to do it quickly because of reasons then I turn to porn to get turned on fast and about 15 min.”
I need to get a ballpark number for a post this weekend, so, uh…
How long does it generally take you to masturbate?
And since this is still Asexual Activities, a follow up: Do you feel like your asexuality plays a role in how long it takes in any way?
You can use the ask box, if you’d prefer to keep it anonymous!
Guess I’ll go, since no one else has:
If I’m not deliberately trying to make it last, I’d say 10-20 minutes usually.
Some anon replies:
“mastrubation can take me anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour depending on how horny I am, how focused I am, if I’m trying something new or not, etc. A 5 minute orgasm usually means about an hour and a half of foreplay sexting with my partner, however. If I’m just doing it to do it I’ll probably enjoy pornographic things for about 20 minutes, and then take 10 minutes to masturbate (I am afab, I just know my body really well at this point)”
“If I want to orgasm, it takes me almost an hour because I get distracted or bored. So mostly now I go about 10 minutes and make myself feel good and when I get bored or distracted I just stop. I suspect maybe I’m not doing it "right” but it works"
On that one, the only right way to masturbate is the way that’s right for you. If you want to stop after about ten minutes, then it’s the right way for you.
“it depends very much on time of the month, if I’m reading/watching porn, and mostly if I’ve found the sweet spot between focus and overthinking. when all the stars align, three minutes. when nothing wants to work, I might lie there, buzzing away, for 45+ minutes before either giving up or finding something that makes it work.”
“Masturbation time answer: the average seems to be 30 minutes for me, mostly because I get distracted by a lot of things, like random thoughts or daily troubles. Although my shortest time was about 9 minutes, while I was half-asleep and not yet awake enough to be distracted from it.
"The half-asleep part seems to be what helps me best in masturbation. I’m awake enough to decide to do it, but not enough for the full daily churn of thought to distract me yet. It helps that this state of mind tends to also let some dreamy part of my imagination act up and help any fantasies become more vivid and stimulating. No telling how long those can last, because sometimes they lead nowhere, sometimes I orgasm, and sometimes I just…fall back asleep ”
“About the ”How long does it generally take you to masturbate?“: Anywhere from one to to four hours, depending of how distracted i get ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”
I’m noticing a trend about being distracted in these responses…
“Re: average time, I’m fairly efficient I guess so a bit of self pleasure before bedtime often only takes like 3-5 minutes for me, maybe closer to 5-10 if I am having an off day and need a bit more effort. If I feel like being indulgent and want to go for multiple orgasms in one session I might go up to 30-40 minutes but that’s super rare and not the norm for me.”
“Idk if you are still taking responses but for the mastrubation time question but I tend to take around 10-15 mins usually. Im a sex neutral ace (afab) and only actually get horny when I’m close to getting my period. The rest of the time I don’t usually mastrubate”
“in response to "how long does it usually take to masturbate”: if I’m particularly horny and I’ve found the right mental simulation, like 15 minutes. if I’m not in the right headspace, if I keep getting distracted or I can’t find the thing that works, it can take 45 minutes or an hour. definitely annoying when that happens, since usually I’m using it to help fall asleep, so if it’s been like 45 minutes and all I’ve done is get myself *more* riled up then that kinda defeats the purpose. on average, I’d say about half an hour. also, I’m afab, if that impacts things.“
"For me, masturbation can take anywhere from 5 minutes to 2 hours. Sometimes distraction does play a role in lengthening the time, sometimes it’s varying levels of arousal, sometimes it’s whether I use a toy or vibrator or just my hands. Oddly enough, sometimes I orgasm faster when I use just my hand. I’m also the type to pump out 3 to 4 orgasms in a session, but those are usually the ones where I’ve worked myself over for about an hour, then I will come another 2 or 3 times within 30 minutes. I used to only do it in a rush, just a general way to get physical release, not really thinking of anything arousing, letting my brain flash through random nonsexual situations or conversations. Now, I will read something that helps me stimulate that part of my brain and actually results in something more pleasurable than perfunctory.”
“Re time it takes to get off: less than 2 minutes no matter the mechanism”
Masturbating is commonly seen as linked to sexual fantasies. For many people these fantasies are an integral part of the process, imagining scenarios that enhance the experience. Some people even go so far as to claim that fantasies are a required piece. That is not the case. Genital stimulation of some form is the only required part of masturbating, everything else is optional.
If you don’t fantasize when you masturbate, that’s fine. If you fantasize about things or in a manner that you think is different from fantasies other people have, that’s fine as well.
I need to get a ballpark number for a post this weekend, so, uh…
How long does it generally take you to masturbate?
And since this is still Asexual Activities, a follow up: Do you feel like your asexuality plays a role in how long it takes in any way?
You can use the ask box, if you’d prefer to keep it anonymous!
Guess I’ll go, since no one else has:
If I’m not deliberately trying to make it last, I’d say 10-20 minutes usually.
Some anon replies:
“mastrubation can take me anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour depending on how horny I am, how focused I am, if I’m trying something new or not, etc. A 5 minute orgasm usually means about an hour and a half of foreplay sexting with my partner, however. If I’m just doing it to do it I’ll probably enjoy pornographic things for about 20 minutes, and then take 10 minutes to masturbate (I am afab, I just know my body really well at this point)”
“If I want to orgasm, it takes me almost an hour because I get distracted or bored. So mostly now I go about 10 minutes and make myself feel good and when I get bored or distracted I just stop. I suspect maybe I’m not doing it "right” but it works"
On that one, the only right way to masturbate is the way that’s right for you. If you want to stop after about ten minutes, then it’s the right way for you.
“it depends very much on time of the month, if I’m reading/watching porn, and mostly if I’ve found the sweet spot between focus and overthinking. when all the stars align, three minutes. when nothing wants to work, I might lie there, buzzing away, for 45+ minutes before either giving up or finding something that makes it work.”
“Masturbation time answer: the average seems to be 30 minutes for me, mostly because I get distracted by a lot of things, like random thoughts or daily troubles. Although my shortest time was about 9 minutes, while I was half-asleep and not yet awake enough to be distracted from it.
"The half-asleep part seems to be what helps me best in masturbation. I’m awake enough to decide to do it, but not enough for the full daily churn of thought to distract me yet. It helps that this state of mind tends to also let some dreamy part of my imagination act up and help any fantasies become more vivid and stimulating. No telling how long those can last, because sometimes they lead nowhere, sometimes I orgasm, and sometimes I just…fall back asleep ”
“About the ”How long does it generally take you to masturbate?“: Anywhere from one to to four hours, depending of how distracted i get ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”
I’m noticing a trend about being distracted in these responses…
I need to get a ballpark number for a post this weekend, so, uh…
How long does it generally take you to masturbate?
And since this is still Asexual Activities, a follow up: Do you feel like your asexuality plays a role in how long it takes in any way?
You can use the ask box, if you’d prefer to keep it anonymous!
Guess I’ll go, since no one else has:
If I’m not deliberately trying to make it last, I’d say 10-20 minutes usually.
Some anon replies:
“mastrubation can take me anywhere from 5 minutes to half an hour depending on how horny I am, how focused I am, if I’m trying something new or not, etc. A 5 minute orgasm usually means about an hour and a half of foreplay sexting with my partner, however. If I’m just doing it to do it I’ll probably enjoy pornographic things for about 20 minutes, and then take 10 minutes to masturbate (I am afab, I just know my body really well at this point)”
“If I want to orgasm, it takes me almost an hour because I get distracted or bored. So mostly now I go about 10 minutes and make myself feel good and when I get bored or distracted I just stop. I suspect maybe I’m not doing it "right” but it works"
On that one, the only right way to masturbate is the way that’s right for you. If you want to stop after about ten minutes, then it’s the right way for you.
Many aces are not fans of touching their genitals, but may still want to masturbate. Although the phrase “touching yourself” is a common euphemism for masturbation, it’s actually possible to masturbate without touching yourself at all! You can use toys that keep your hands at a distance or you can grind against a pillow or folded blanket. Some people can masturbate by squeezing or rubbing their thighs together or by tensing the muscles downstairs.
To me, this follows naturally from the knowledge that some aces masturbate, as sex toys are a common way to enhance the act. But for some reason, there are people who think that this is a disqualifier. It is not.
It also doesn’t matter what kind of sex toys they use. From abstract to realistic to designs based on fantastical creatures to fully accurate, high-end AI powered sex dolls, it doesn’t matter. An asexual person using a sex toy of any kind is still asexual.
For those of you who do use them, do you have any favorites or would you like to make a recommendation (or even an anti-recommendation for something to avoid)?
The ask box is open, if you’d prefer to be anon!
I guess I’ll start:
I’d recommend pretty much anything by Fleshlight or Tenga. Both make good quality penis toys. I personally like the Fleshlights more, but they’re bigger (harder to hide) and more expensive, and almost all of them have an anatomical design. Tenga has a more budget friendly line, and all their stuff is function over form, with plain, non-anatomical openings.
For a first “I don’t know if I’m going to like this” toy, or if you want a toy but don’t want to spend a lot, I’d recommend a Tenga Egg or Cup. They’re about $5-10, so it’s not a huge investment if you don’t care for it. However, they’re not the most durable, and may break after a few uses. They’re even called “disposable”, but you can clean and reuse them a few times.
The next price level is $30-40, where Tenga has its Spinners and its 3D line, and Fleshlight has the QuickShot. These will all last longer than the Tenga Eggs and Cups, and are a better overall experience. The QuickShot is open on both ends, and the 3D strokers can be inverted, so they’re both easier to clean. The Spinner can’t be inverted and has a closed end, so be sure to clean and dry it well. All three are a reasonable size that makes them easy to hide or travel with.
More expensive and better still are the full Fleshlights. They’ll run you around $70-80, but they’re super durable. I’ve had a few for more than ten years that are still in good shape. They have dozens of internal textures, with the “Wonder Wave”, “STU”, and “Destroya” being good bets. They are rather large, and although they pretend to be shaped like a flashlight and discreet, no one will be fooled. One potential downside for this audience is that almost all of them have openings designed to look like a vulva or a butt, and the Fleshlights with abstract openings are all special gimmick ones. They used to have a plain option on some textures, but that seems to be discontinued.
To me, this follows naturally from the knowledge that some aces masturbate, as sex toys are a common way to enhance the act. But for some reason, there are people who think that this is a disqualifier. It is not.
It also doesn’t matter what kind of sex toys they use. From abstract to realistic to designs based on fantastical creatures to fully accurate, high-end AI powered sex dolls, it doesn’t matter. An asexual person using a sex toy of any kind is still asexual.
For those of you who do use them, do you have any favorites or would you like to make a recommendation (or even an anti-recommendation for something to avoid)?
One of the replies to the “How to Masturbate” post brought up a good point about how arousal can be difficult for some aces, and without it, you might not get very far.
So what do you all do to get yourself aroused or otherwise “in the mood” enough to masturbate?
(The ask box is open if you’d prefer to be anonymous!)
Over on The Twitter, there are some pictures to illustrate some of the concepts, if those are of interest to you. They’re pictures of plastic replicas of stuff because I couldn’t find anyone to go along with that plan I posted about last week, but I think you’ll get the idea.
[This post contains discussion of masturbation and associated processes.]
What’s the point of masturbating?
The point is what you make it. For a lot of people, even a lot of asexual people, the point of masturbating is to experience sexual pleasure and orgasm. But that’s not the only reason people do it. Some people do it for stress relief or to calm libido. Some people do it to prevent unwanted arousal or nighttime ejaculations. Some people just want to test out those parts periodically. Some people do it as a form of stimming. It’s all about why you do it and what you get out of it.
What should I expect my first time?
You honestly shouldn’t expect much to happen when you first start learning how to masturbate. Your first time will probably involve a lot of awkward fumbling with parts of your body you’re not all that familiar with. There’s a good chance you won’t have an orgasm, and there’s a possibility you won’t really even feel anything at all (except maybe a little sore). And that’s all right! Contrary to rumors, your genitals don’t have a “Press Here For Pleasure” button. It takes work and it takes practice. If it doesn’t work the first time, try again!
How will I know it’s working?
For many people, though not all, masturbating will cause pleasurable sensations in the genitals after a short while. You may also notice changes in breathing or heart rate. As you progress, you may experience involuntary or semi-voluntary muscle movements, such as facial contortions, genital contractions, closing your eyes, vocalizations or moaning, tilting your head back, arching your back, straightening your legs, toe curling, or raising your torso up. Many of these movements, although they sound uncomfortable in a text description, can be pleasant to experience while masturbating. Some people will notice that their nipples harden. Some areas of the skin may begin to change color. If you have a vagina, you may experience vaginal wetness. If you have a penis, you may produce some clear lubricating fluid from your urethra. You may also begin to feel a sort of fullness or pressure down below. Some people feel like they have to pee (But usually they don’t, it’s just a matter of shared real estate).
Probably the clearest sign that it’s “working” is having an orgasm, but not every has those or wants those..
How will I know if it isn’t working?
Here are a few signs that you’re not really getting anywhere:
You’ve been doing it for a while and haven’t noticed a change in sensation.
You’re losing your erection or other signs of arousal.
It’s starting to hurt.
You’re completely bored.
You don’t want to continue.
If you’re not getting anything out of the process, you can stop at any time. Any arousal that has built up will dissipate over time.
How do I know if it will never work?
This I can’t really answer. The standard advice is that you should just keep trying different things until you get there, but that’s bad advice to take to the extreme. For some people, like those with anhedonia, masturbating will never really provide pleasure (if that’s what you’re after). You should not feel any obligation to try everything under the sun, if you feel like you’ve given it enough of a shot and haven’t gotten anywhere.
How long does masturbation take?
The amount of time it takes to masturbate will vary widely from person to person, from time to time. Under the right circumstances, someone in a rush can finish in about a minute. On the other extreme, someone can continue masturbating for hours if they want to. It’s hard to get a clear average, but it’s probably within the range of a few minutes to half an hour.
Even if it takes someone 30 minutes or an hour to finish, they’re usually feeling some benefit within the first few minutes. That benefit might be pleasurable sensations, or relaxation, or libido subsidence, or whatever else they’re after. It’s usually not 29.5 minutes of nothing with thirty seconds of ecstasy at the end.
Generally speaking, if you’ve been masturbating for 10-20 minutes and don’t feel like you’re really getting anywhere at all, there’s a good chance the stimulation you’re doing isn’t going to be effective and you should change your technique or try again later. However, if you’re enjoying yourself, take as long as you want.
How do I know when to stop?
You’ll know when to stop when you think “Okay, enough of that, I’m done now.” For a lot of people, that point can be having an orgasm. An orgasm tends to be a good stopping point for a lot of people because a satisfying event, and also because some people are physically unable to continue after one. However, there are many people who’ll stop before an orgasm for any number of reasons, and some people will continue after the first orgasm and have a second and third. Some people stop when they fall asleep, or when the hot water runs out, or when the roommates come home, or when the batteries die. But you should stop when you feel like stopping, and not worry about when other people stop.
What’s an orgasm like?
An orgasm is a complicated mix of things all converging at one time, focused on the genital region, but possibly being experienced throughout the body. For most people, it’s a notable event, a clear point where things change, lasting several seconds. For many people, though not all, an orgasm is a moment of intense pleasure, stronger than what may have been felt up to that point, and is usually accompanied by a series of rhythmic muscular contractions. If you have a penis, it also usually features ejaculation of semen. However, not every orgasm is the same and they don’t always have all these same features. Some people will never experience one component of an orgasm, but may experience others. Everyone has their own individual mix of sensations.
While most sources portray orgasms as universally sought after and enjoyed, that is not the case. Some people do not like them, and try to avoid them when masturbating. With enough practice and experience, you can sense an impending orgasm and stop stimulating yourself before it happens. Orgasms are also portrayed as some world shattering event, and that is also not always the case. Many orgasms range from “okay” to “meh”, and even the “good” ones typically don’t cause earthquakes, fireworks, or the loss of your knees for three weeks.
What’s the deal with ejaculation?
Ejaculation is where some fluid is involuntarily expelled from the body, usually during orgasm.
For penis and testicle owners, this fluid is known as semen, and contains tons of sperm. Sperm is a critical component in starting a pregnancy, but if you’re masturbating alone, you don’t have to worry about that. For people with a penis, ejaculation is so frequently correlated with orgasms that the two are often mistakenly believed to be inseperable, however, it’s possible to ejaculate without orgasm or orgasm without ejaculation, even if you own a penis. You should clean up semen after you ejaculate, otherwise it can stain fabrics, dry out and harden, cause things to stick together, and otherwise be unpleasant and potentially embarrassing to deal with.
The amount of semen expelled during ejaculation, as well as the force with which is expelled is largely unpredictable and highly variable within a single person. In general, it’s a few milliliters of fluid. Sometimes it will dribble out, other times it can shoot out several feet. If you sense when the orgasm is about to begin, you can direct where you will ejaculate to some extent, or you can cover the end of your penis with a towel or tissue. You can also wear a condom while you masturbate, since condoms are specifically designed to capture semen and prevent it from getting out. Many penis toys are large enough or have a closed end and will also contain it.
For vulva owners, ejaculation is less common. Sometimes the fluid is vaginal lubrication that is pushed out by the contractions of an orgasm, other times it can be a secretion from the Skene’s Gland, sometimes it’s urine, and sometimes it’s a combination of some or all of those. Ejaculation has been associated with stimulation of the G-Spot, a ridged/bumpy/harder region of the front wall of the vagina.
Porn is obsessed with ejaculation and often lies about it. Porn says that every time a penis ejaculates, it shoots three feet and has a huge volume. Not true: A lot of people just have short dribblers, also, it’s not unheard of for porn to completely fake that aspect, especially when it’s more extreme. Porn says that every time a penis ejaculates, it should be on/in something or someone else. Not true: It’s perfectly fine to ejaculate onto your own stomach or down the shower drain. Porn says that every time a vulva ejaculates, it’s a huge shower of liquid. Not true: Most of the time when it’s featured in porn, it’s really just the performer peeing into the air.
Finally…
This probably didn’t address all your questions and maybe raised some new ones, so feel free to use the ask box (You can be anonymous!) if you have anything to ask or anything to contribute!
[The following contains explicit instructions on how to masturbate. Reader discretion is advised.]
Why talk about this? Most school-age sex ed resources steer far clear of the specifics. Many aces avoid the kinds of sexual conversations with friends that might talk about it, and aren’t driven to the kinds of personal experimentation that can lead to its discovery. Later on, most adult sex ed resources skip the basics, assuming that you’ve already figured it out, and the ones that don’t are usually too allocentric to be of much use. That leaves a large knowledge gap which many aces fall into. This aims to help fill in that gap for the curious.
Before we begin, there’s no “right way” to do it. There’s no defined procedure you must follow. Masturbation is personal and individual. What works well for one person may not work for another. What will be described here is just one possible way to do it, but not the only way. There’s no guarantee these steps will work for you, and you will almost certainly have to try more than once to get any results in any case. Please experiment and alter these instructions as you wish, and don’t be embarrassed to ask for clarification or an alternate technique.
And remember: You don’t have to masturbate if you don’t want to. Try it if you’re curious, but if you decide that it’s not for you, that’s perfectly all right. Don’t force yourself to do something you hate.
Okay, let’s get started…
Find a place to masturbate. Typically, this is a comfortable place and somewhere you have a reasonable expectation of privacy (and a lockable door). If you are not alone, be sure that you have the consent of everyone else around. Common places to masturbate include a bed or a shower.
Grab a towel. I’ll explain later. (Unless you’re in the shower or bathtub. You don’t need a towel there and if you grab one, you’ll just end up with a useless wet towel.)
Determine what is in your pants. Normally that doesn’t matter, but here, the technique described will vary widely depending on the type of anatomy you have. If you have a tube like thing and some dangly bits, follow the instructions marked “penis”. If you have a bunch of folds of skin, follow the instructions marked “vulva”. Not everyone will fit exactly into these two categories, so pick whichever’s closest or mix and match from both sets as appropriate.
Vulva:
Sit or lay on the towel. I’ll explain why later.
Find your clitoris. If you don’t know where it is, reach down to your vulva (that place with the flaps and folds mentioned earlier), and feel around for a nubby thing in the front, where the labia (the name for the flaps of skin) come together in a V. It’s in the area where you pee from, towards the front. It’s covered by a small hood. Some people recommend looking at that area in a mirror to get a sense of how it’s all arranged.
Begin rubbing your clitoris or the area around it. There are a lot of ways to do this, and you will need to experiment with a technique to figure out what works for you. For each method, you can vary the speed and pressure.
Here are some examples:
Moving fingers in small circles while pressing on the clitoris.
Run their fingers up and down alongside the clitoris, squeezing it from the side.
Pull the hood up and down, sliding it against the clitoris.
Press palm or heel of hand against the clitoris and move around.
Some people don’t use their hands at all, and instead press their vulva against a pillow and rock back and forth.
Some people find direct clitoral stimulation to be uncomfortable or intense. Rubbing the clitoris through clothing or a soft towel can help lessen the intensity of the stimulation and make the experience more tolerable.
Continue rubbing your clitoris with your hand. When you first start out, you may not feel much. It can take time for the sensations to build. If nothing seems to be happening after a while, try a different technique, or alter the speed or pressure of the stimulation.
If the rubbing begins to feel irritating, lubrication may be helpful to reduce friction. Your vagina may be producing natural lubrication during this process, and it is conveniently located near the clitoris. If you do not wish to use that, or if you do not have enough vaginal lubrication to use, some people use saliva, or KY Jelly or other safe lube for that area. For some people, certain kinds of lube can cause irritation or burning in certain areas and they’re best to be avoided.
At some point, if you’re on the right track, the sensations down there should begin to change. For many people, these sensations are pleasurable. Some people may experience some sensations they describe as tingly, warm, full, or like there’s building pressure, like you have to pee (But don’t worry, you probably won’t).
Now that you have the hang of it, continue until “done”. Done can mean that you’ve had one or more orgasms, or that you’ve gotten sore or tired, or have lost interest, or you’ve run out of time, or whatever else you consider to be “done”. “Done” is what you make it, there’s no one “right” way to finish.
Throughout this process, it’s possible that your vulva has gotten rather wet. If it did, that’s normal, if it didn’t, that’s normal too. The towel you’ve been sitting on may have caught some of this fluid. If you need to wipe off your genitals or your hand, you may use the towel to do so.
Now go wash your hands.
Congratulations, you have just masturbated!
Penis:
You will need to have an erection to proceed. If you do not already have one, you can usually get one by touching or rubbing or pulling or squeezing your penis (that’s the tube thing, the bit that most people who have one use to pee) and/or rubbing your testicles. Start gentle and increase until it starts working. If you get too rough, you may hurt yourself and this’ll be over. For some people, thinking “sexy thoughts” may work, although that tends to be less successful among asexual people. You will know when your erection is hard enough to continue when your penis holds its shape and stands on its own, rather than flopping down limply immediately, like it usually would.
Wrap your hand around your penis as if you’re holding a small bottle or a door handle or something. It doesn’t matter which hand you use. You palm and fingers should curve around it, and your thumb should try to close the circle on the other side. Variations in hand size and penis size mean that you may not be able to fully enclose your penis with your hand. Just cover as much as you can and it’ll work out.
Begin moving your hand up and down the penis in a smooth motion. You’ll probably want to squeeze it slightly. Enough that you can feel it, but probably not so much that it feels like you’re going to pull the thing off. The skin of the penis may slide with your hand as you stroke.
For some people (especially circumcised people), the skin sliding may not be enough. In that case, using lube is strongly recommended. This will lower the friction and allow your hand to slide along the skin. Your penis may supply some natural lubricant itself, but it often won’t be enough. Hand lotion, Vaseline, and baby oil are common lubes that you may already have in your house. (Just don’t use those with condoms, but that’s for another time…) Saliva may also work. Water, although it can make things slippery, does not work as a good lube in this case, as it will simply increase skin to skin friction. Start with a small amount of lube and add more as needed.
Continue stroking your penis with your hand. The stimulation you provide should be keeping your erection going. When you first start out, you may not feel much. It can take time for the sensations to build. If nothing seems to be happening after a while, or if you begin to lose the erection, try altering your speed, pressure, stroke length, amount of lube, etc.
At some point, if you’re on the right track, the sensations down there should begin to change. For many people, these sensations are pleasurable. Some people may experience some sensations they describe as tingly, warm, full, or like there’s building pressure, like you have to pee.
Now that you have the hang of it, continue until “done”. Done can mean that you’ve had one or more orgasms and/or ejaculations, or that you’ve gotten sore or tired, or have lost interest, or you’ve run out of time, or whatever else you consider to be “done”. “Done” is what you make it, there’s no one “right” way to finish.
This is where you use the towel. Wipe off your genitals, wipe off your hand, and, if you ejaculated as part of this, wipe up the semen.
Now go wash your hands.
Congratulations, you have just masturbated!
Conclusion:
As I mentioned at the start, this example gave just one way to masturbate. There are countless other ways to do it, so if this didn’t work, you can try some of those. Also, if you don’t like something about the process, there may be a different way to masturbate that doesn’t involve that. For instance, if you find direct genital contact off-putting, you can use a toy or do it through clothing. If you don’t like the various fluids involved, you can use a barrier like a glove, condom, or dam, or you can do it in the shower or bath where the fluids are immediately washed away. Feel free to ask if you want to know more about other techniques.
These examples focused on the clitoris and the penis pretty much exclusively. This was done because these organs are often the most sensitive and responsive, and many people find stimulating them to be quite effective. However, they’re not the only areas of the body that people stimulate while masturbating. Other sensitive areas include the nipples, neck, vagina, testicles, thighs, and anus. If you have a vagina, there is a sensitive section of the front wall called the G-spot that many people find pleasurable to stimulate. If you have a penis, there is a sensitive organ that can be stimulated through the front wall of the rectum called the prostate that many people find pleasurable to stimulate.
And as always, the ask box is open and accepts anonymous posts! If you have any questions or comments, please send them in. Don’t let embarrassment stand in the way of knowledge. If you’re thinking it, someone else probably is, too! You can also share your tips and techniques here, if you have something that works better for you that others should know about. And finally, if I got something wrong or missed an important step, please let me know!
This seems like one of those things I’m going to regret, but #yolo. I’m asexual and I masturbate, what do you want to know?
And for the audience out there, if you’re ace/grace/demi, then feel free to join in with your own answers! The more perspectives the better!
This is still going on! If you’re curious about anything or just want to hear another ace’s perspective or experiences, ask away! Nothing too personal or embarrassing. The ask box is open and accepting anonymous questions!
If you’re not ace, but have questions about how an asexual person approaches or experiences masturbation, this is open to you, as well!
There is a common misconception that somehow, the act of masturbation cancels out a person’s asexuality. People who are not asexual tend to use it as a “gotcha” to attack ace people, and for many ace people, it can be a source of doubt or confusion. It all stems from a misunderstanding of what asexuality is. Some people think that “asexual” implies that a person is wholly without sexual response or action of any kind, and that participating in any kind of sexual thing is inherently disqualifying. (It doesn’t help that some people still use the word “sexual” to mean “not asexual”, which reinforces this misconception.) That’s not the case at all. Asexuality is an orientation. What does running a self-test on your genitals have to do with changing who you are or are not attracted to?
