#cw weight loss

That whole ‘wanting to talk about my body’ thing, right? Well, here goes.

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I am disastrously out of shape and it’s negatively impacting my life. My body aches all the time. My knees hurt. I can’t move too fast or my lungs try to turn inside out. I can’t do physical things I used to be more than capable of doing. Finding clothes that fit me is a pain in the ass because I’m stuck in some sort of no man’s land where neither part of the box stores carries more than one article of clothing in my size (and good luck finding anything I actually like…or at all in boutique shops). I’m also completely incapable of wearing gender affirming clothing at the moment and it is literally impossible to pass as anything other than my assigned gender, so I’m in a constant state of dysphoria.

In 2012 I could bike all over town without breaking a sweat and run uphill for ten minutes without losing my breath. I spent so much time outside that I tanned super dark and barely recognize myself in photos. In 2017 I hit the gym for a solid six months and by the end of it I could do push ups and chin ups, hold a plank for two minutes with my kid on my ass, twist my body into a pretzel while holding a 20lb weight in the air, and deadlift my body weight + 20lbs. Basically: I know that I cando these things, I know that it feels good, and I want to be able to do them again.

I want to be that person again and I feel like right now…specificallyright now…I have a golden opportunity to pursue that goal. I’m feeling good about life in general. I don’t have to work (per se; I will save my argument about what constitutes 'work’ for another post). I have a kid that also needs to get his ya-yas out. I have free access to a full gym and a three story rock climbing wall at my school. I own a rowing machine, a bench, and a ton of other at-home gym equipment.

And…I started taking Concerta a few months ago. On top of helping me focus better, improving my ability to plan for the future, erasing most of my anxiety, and lifting me out of depression…it has also simultaneously completely killed my appetite and given me a shit ton of energy that needs an outlet. The appetite thing is what I’ve been wanting to talk about the most because I have so many weird, complicated emotions wrapped up in this experience.

On the one hand it’s a boon, because it means I can pursue my “be physically active and healthy” goal without fighting myself the entire way. I used to self-soothe by eating, but now…I think I don’t need as much self-soothing to begin with AND I’m filling that need in other ways. I do have to actually remember to eat which was a problem at first because that’s literally never been my experience, but I addressed that by…making a meal plan and sticking to it. This means that my 'diet’ is legitimately healthy and well balanced. I’m getting a shit ton of fruits & veggies and protein and healthy fats, and I feel amazing.

On the other hand…it feels like cheating. It doesn’t matter that I need this medication to function like a normative adult. It doesn’t matter that I’m objectively eating more healthily and mindfully now than I ever have in my life. (Seriously, I’m aware of the dangers and I promise I’m taking care of myself.) But. There’s a part of my brain screaming that if I can trace my success to a pill then I’m cheating, it’s unhealthy, I’m doing something abusive to myself / with my medication, I don’t deserve the results I get.

I don’t know that this post had a point beyond laying out my thoughts so I could see them. I probably could have just written it in my journal, I suppose, but…I don’t know. There’s something about writing out a post that encourages me to be more positively-focused, articulate, and ordered about what I’m saying, which in turn helps me see what’s going on more clearly. If that makes sense?

I think I need to work on the guilt thing and focus instead on how good it will feel to have my physicality back and to wear the clothes that make me feel like I’m me again. I also think I need to talk about what I’m doing more often so I don’t feel so alone, and celebrate my successes to keep myself motivated…which is why I wanted an umbrella tag.

So yeah. Anyway. That’s me. Sorry for the long post. @_@

Haven’t updated in a hot while.

Been doing Nook since April 12. Down 14 pounds. Likely could be down more if I locked myself down a bit more. Seeing a lot of non scale victories. My clothes for better. I feel better, abs have more energy (despite lack of sleep from a toddler)!

I’d like to get back to posting daily, but having a toddler and a full time job is like working 25/8. Wouldn’t change a thing except more time in the day!

Photos are from a covid wedding renewal. Wonderful time had by all. My munchkin is 19.5 months old.