#dark is thinking
I dunno who else is like this but…
Being told I’m good at something sometimes feels like if I do that thing again I may very well prove to that person/the universe that I’m *not* actually. Like, I was told when I was younger that I was a good writer. “Oh good!” I thought. “Then that’s what I will attempt to do. I’ll be a writer!” But instead of doing the thing I… didn’t. I did a bunch of other things, pursued so many other avenues of interest, but in the back of my mind I carried that thought of: “Oh, I’m a good writer, that feels good to know, I’ll go do that… later.”
Well, guess what. Now it’s ‘later’ and now I want to do the writing thing but holy hell it’s terrifying because now with every new word I throw down for other people to read it’s like: “Oh, fuck, what if *this* is the writing thing that proves that I’m terrible, actually.” So I become paralyzed. Indecisive. Is this the thing I should write or this? Or both? Or neither? Oh…you want to read my work? Oh, well, funny story, none of it is done and I’m spinning my wheels over here. Why, yes it’s been years with nothing to show for myself, that’s pretty hilarious, huh?”
I started writing fanfic to try to get out of my head. To just…write. Low stakes, who cares. And it did help, for a bit. I was writing stuff and people read it, and they told me I was a good writer (whether that was true, or just good reading etiquette, I go back and forth over) which did help keep the self-doubt demons away for a time. Now, though, I want to go back to my original stuff and it’s back. That inescapable feeling of: “But, if I write, even if I never show it to anyone, it’s going to prove everyone wrong, because in truth I’m actually terrible.” Now I can’t even write fanfic because every single word I put down feels like this high stakes exercise in self worth.
And, I know what needs to be done. I know I need to just… write. The only way out is through. Even if I’m bad (and maybe I am!) the only only ONLY way to get better is to log in the hours. Practice. Even the worst writer in the world can only get better if they keep at it long enough. I need to write, and keep writing, and when I think I’ve written every word there is to write in every possible configuation I need to write some more.
Writing is a practice not a talent. It’s a honed skill not an inate character trait about me.
It’s just really fucking hard to remember that sometimes when the panic and anxiety build and threaten to sweep me out to sea.
