#dead man lust

Pssst! Over here. You listening? Good. Because I’m going to start iheartvincentprice.tumblr.com’s third horror-ble movie review of the month with an iiiiiitty bitty confession:

I wasn’t the biggest fan of this movie.

Hold the cyber punches just a minute, Muhammad! 

Before y'all show up at my house wielding torches and pitchforks in response to the semi-sacrilegious confession I’ve just made, lemme just say that YES: I know House of Wax is a classic and lotsa people have loved the crap out of it for decades. But if I came all up in here and told you I thought the movie was the best thing since cinematic sliced bread, I’d be straight up lying. And no one wants to read the blog of a damn liar, yo.

But let me also say this:

Vincey was amazing. OBVI. He was the best thing in this movie. OBVI. Pssht! Goes without saying!

I just wasn’t over the moon about the movie itselfIFYAKNOWWHATIMEAN: the long-ass paddle ball and can-can sequences (do we HAVE to watch five whole minutes of a grown ass man playing paddle ball on the street and can-can dancers pulling up their ruffled dresses so we can catch glimpses of their French underwear?), the obnoxious faux-laugh (not to mention unbearable ditziness) of Carolyn Jones’ character. And film snobs, get off those high horses: I’m well aware that the reason the first two sequences I mentioned were so gee-danged long was to show off the movie’s 3D effects (which I’m sure were just mind-blowing back in 1953). But 3D or no 3D, too long is too long is too loooooong.

What 3D looked like in 1953. I kiiid, I kiiid (kinda). 

So instead of walking you through the movie itself, I’ll just walk you through my favorite Vincey parts, since THAT’S THE REAL REASON YOU’RE READING THIS ISH, am I right?

House of Wax (1953) was a remake of the movie Mystery of the Wax Museum (1933) and was the first color 3D feature film to be released by a major American studio. It was received two more wide (read: huge ass ad campaigns) re-releases in 1971 and the early 1980s, and is considered an all-time horror favorite for the ages. 

(I’m not even going to get into the 2005 remake starring Paris Hilton. You’re welcome.)

Vincent Price plays Henry Jarrod, a passionate wax figure sculptor who specializes in recreating historical figures such as Marie Antionette, John Wilkes Booth and Joan of Arc, which he keeps in a little museum. He is obsessively (almost creepily) devoted to his wax creations: he talks to them and they talk back (or so he thinks…). They are his babies, his children, and he would die rather than allow them to come into harm’s way. I know that most people might find Vincent’s character’s obsession with wax mannequins kind of…well, sick, but being the depraved ladybaby I am, I have to say that I found it super duper adorable. Like sugary-sweet-with-a-cherry-and-a-double-rainbow-on-top cute. If you love the sexy beast of a man as I do, I think you’ll feel the same.

DAWWWWW!

But Vincent’s evil and greedy (note: two bad qualities in a person) business partner (Roy Roberts) isn’t happy. He wants Vincent to produce more “sensational” waxwork to please the common folk who are just looking to pay for a cheap thrill wherever they can find it. But VP straight up refuses to lower his personal and aesthetic standards (he’s a class act, y’all). Fed up, the money-hungry Roberts decides he wants to commit ARSON of all damn things and destroy the museum and all of Vincent’s beloved figures with it! My heart broke a little at seeing poor Vincey’s desperate attempts to fight off the evil man and save his cherished body (or shall I say bodies?) of work. 

Alas, the fire consumes everything, but Vincent’s character manages to survive, albeit considerably disfigured – let’s just say that “Vincey PF” (Post Fire) in this film seriously reminded me of Lon Chaney in Phantom of the Opera(1925). 

Perhaps a little early inspiration for Freddy Krueger? 

But despair not, VP lovahs! Via the powers of wax artistry (who knew?) the gorgeous man manages to get his original, beautiful face back for the remainder of the movie:

That is, until this happens:

And with the help of his very own Igor (Charles Bronson), VP decides to open up a sensational wax museum, featuring a “Chamber of Horrors” which displays shocking renditions of historical and present-day (i.e. 1890s) crimes, designed to thrill and scandalize the crowds who show up in droves to see the one-of-a-kind spectacle.

Ain’t nuthin’ freakier than the ‘lectric chair. 

This brings me to my final favorite Vincey-related element of the movie: his character’s transformation. VP’s character starts out as a humble servant of all things beautiful and artistic, adamantly rejecting sensationalism and everything it stands for. But over the course of the film and as a result of what happens to him, he transforms into a man who comes to fully embrace all things shocking and horrific. He also comes to embrace his own dark side with open, lovin’ arms. I believe this kind of transformational arc strikes a primal chord with many a foolish mortal: we all have sinister urges within us, but most of us choose to live out our darker fantasies through the characters in the movies we watch. Perhaps its exploration of this simple yet powerful primal theme is one of the reasons behind the enduring success of House of Wax.

And when it comes to personifying the “dark unconscious of the whole human race” (as Vincent would so eloquently put it), what better man to embody the ever-fascinating transformation from good to evil than the incomparable Vincent Price? 

Next week, I shall be reviewing Dragonwyck. 

So get yer lobster bibs on and try not to choke on your own saliva, you lecherous Vincent Price lovahs! 

I would totally go to In-N-Out with him any day of the week. 

The time has come, the iheartvincentprice.tumblr.com blogger said, to talk of other things! You guessed it, dear cabbages – it’s time for another delightfully ghoulish Vincent Price movie review!

Our second review of the month concerns the “horror-comedy” The Raven (1963), starring Peter Lorre, Boris Karloff, and, of course, Vincey. According to the always-accurate Wikipedia, The Raven was the fifth in a series of Edgar Allan Poe stories adapted to the big screen by horror king, Roger Corman.

Our story opens with another typical night at Sinister Castle de Vincent Price ® sometime in the 15^th century. As in The Pit and the Pendulum (am I detecting a theme here?), we find Vincey in mourning of his deceased wife, Lenore (Hazel Court), though as his cheeky blonde daughter (Olive Sturgess) gently points out, it has been two years since she died – ya think it might be time to start thinking about boarding the old “moveon.org” train?

But Vincent will hear nothing of it. His wife was an amazing woman – perfect, actually, and no one compares to her (holla Sinead O’Connor). So instead of nursing his broken heart by constructing a half-assed profile on OkCupid like the rest of us, Vincey busies himself with his nightly routine of listlessly dusting his wife’s coffin (which they keep…IN THE HOUSE???), quaffing goblets of hot milk, and repeatedly tripping over the huge telescope in his study (can you say sight gag?).

When suddenly, a crotchety, demanding raven swoops (literally!) into his life! Yes, cabbages, VP gets to play opposite an actual animal in this movie. Many actors consider this to be the ultimate pain-in-the-ass challenge, but being the talented, sexy beast he is, Vincey pulls it off effortlessly. 

The raven claims to be a man named Dr. Bedlo (Peter Lorre), who was transformed into a bird by the evil sorcerer, Dr. Scarabus (Boris Karloff). The kindhearted Vincey uses his own training in sorcery to help Bedlo return to his human form (at least partially).

After working out the kinks (I mean it is sorcery - you can’t expect things to be perfect right out the gate, y'all), Dr. Bedlo’s human body is fully restored. You’d think the movie would pretty much end right here, but nooooo: Lorre is thirsty for revenge on Scarabus! And he knows that Vincey has the skills of sorcery to help him take down the evil wizard!

At first, Vincent doesn’t want to get involved. Keep me out of this, man. Scarabus intimidates him, what with his ability to conduct magic with hand gestures alone! And as he points out: “Magic by gesture of the hands is the most advanced sorcery.” (good to know)

But Bedlo gets Vincent to change his mind after he says he saw Vincent’s wife’s ghost at Scarabus’ castle (I suspect foul play). Desperate to see his beloved wife again, he finally agrees to accompany Bedlo on his ill-advised revenge-a-thon. And after donning a stylish fur-trimmed coat and matching hat, they are on their way!

Accompanying them is Vincent’s daughter and Bedlo’s idiot son, played by some young oaf who seems to choke on his lines an awful lot. I wonder if this guy ever made it in Hollywood, or if he just vanished into the throes of oblivion like so many other ill-fated actors…

…oh holy crap, that’s Jack Nicholson! My bad.

This movie is totally more star-studded than I realized!

They arrive at the castle and meet the eve-ull Dr. Scarabus. And, uh, Vincent? That lovely dead wife of yours you revered so much? She never died. She just pretended to die so she could run away with Scarabus, cuz she’s attracted to power (duh) and Scarabus is the most talented sorcerer in all the land (…or ishe?*devious cackle*).

(By the way, this theme of dead wives turning out to be alive all along seems to be a pretty common thing with these movies, no?)

Of course, finding out your wife ditched you because you weren’t “magical” enough is the kind of thing that would put a damper on anyone’s day, but Vincey takes it in stride. I mean, let’s face it: it’s way easier to get over someone once you’ve realized they’re a shallow douchebag than when you thought they were your perfect dream girl/guy, right?

Towards the end of the movie, Vincent and Scarabus engage in a “duel to the death” (I LOVE these!), during which VP digs deep down and shows his magical stuff in order to defeat the evil homewrecker: he levitates in his chair and even shoots neon green animated sparks out of his fingertips

Super high tech stuff, homies.

It turns out, ol’ Vincent was holding out on us – and himself – all along: He is a great magician – he was just afraid of his own talent. Vincent defeats Scarabus and decides that he’ll never let his unique gift go to waste again.  

Quoth the raven, “NEVAHMOAH!”

The movie as a whole makes for a fun evening of horror-star-studded entertainment, and as fully expected, Vincent does an excellent job of bringing his unique brand of elegance to a comedic role. Seriously, the man was the epitome of elegance, yet he wasn’t afraid to chow down on a piece of screwball comedy pie from time to time.

It’s one of the many things that make him great – and the ultimate dead man crush.

Real talk.