My Birthday.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I just can’t help but feel a little said that P won’t be there tomorrow to help me celebrate. It is going to be difficult as this week we also celebrate our anniversary and his birthday. I miss him so much and although he will be home in months its moments like this that I wish he was here.

Deployment Slump

I am weeks away from being in the home stretch of this deployment. Time is dragging and I just want him to be home. I am an emotional wreak some days and ecstatic other days. But this weekend has just been practically rough and my mood is just in a slump. I sent all weekend in my pajamas mostly in bed… the weather has been horrible but I should really do something before this mood sticks.

Tonight just confirmed why I love you so much. You allowed me to be upset and to get angry. But then you helped me to focus on the good that happened today. You refocused me and grounded me. I went from being upset on the verge of tears to smiling all in one conversation. This is why you are my person and why I hope to marry you one day. Because no one else can calm me the way that you do. Hold me the way you do. You are 9,000 miles away and you still ground me and fill my love tank. You are absolutely amazing and the one for me. Thank you for being my person.

Scent

So for those of you who don’t know. My solider and I have always been long distance since the beginning. We are from Hawaii and reside on different islands. Since he left 135 days or 4.5 months ago (who is counting right ) I had not been back to his side of the island. This past weekend I flew in to spend time with my family and his. I slept at his house and it was the first time since he left that I had been back. The house felt so empty without him. So many shared memories in his house together.

All day I avoided the bedroom but finally after sorting out some of his mail from the past months and doing laundry that he left it was time to go to sleep. His bed still smelled like him. I cried because for months I thought I forgot how he smelled but climbing back into bed it was like he was right there next to me. Grabbed on of his shirts and put on his jacket and fell asleep.

I miss him so much and a yearn for his touch. But we are one day closer and if I got excited about smelling his pillow can you imagine homecoming? Guys, we are one day closer!!!

Priorities

Its heading towards the end of the year. I realized something, ever since my boyfriend deployed I have been so focused on him and his needs. I have neglected my own and put my own feelings on the backburner. I love him and I will continue to wait by the phone for his calls. But I think it’s time I start doing things for me and make me a priority for the first time during this deployment. We aren’t even halfway there and deployment is a marathon not a sprint. Need to focus on me so that I can be the best for him. Make sure my priorities are straight.

December

December is going to be an interesting month. Spending the Holidays with friends and family, while the one person I want to spend it with is thousands of miles away. 

I have taken measures to try my best to make Christmas as special as can be as I prepared his care package this month. Filled with gifts and snacks from home. But as we all know with mail going overseas I have no idea the timing of when the package is going to make it. 

When New Years comes along, I know there is only one person I want to kiss that day. And again with him being so far away, we will need to adjust and wait for that new years kiss to be months delayed. 

No one said this was going to be easy. But he is worth it, this lifestyle is just for the now and this deployment is a drop in the water compared to the rest of our lives that we have together. Just keep pushing, he will come home. 

Disappointment

This is a word that has been a constant lately. It’s not because he is doing it on purpose but because he doesn’t control his own life. He is constantly dealing with his own schedule changes and last minute plans. I need to be understanding that he doesn’t control these things. If I am having a difficult time with the random changes he must be also struggling to find a rhythm.

I just long for my own time to be disappointed and upset because I can’t show it to him all the time…

MILSO Holiday Season

Today is thanksgiving. It marks the beginning of the holiday season. It should be a time of joy, excitement and bliss. But for many of us in relationships with the military it is a time of separation. Sometimes it due to training, deployments or stationing.

Separation shouldn’t be considered a difficulty but it is a challenge. We are the silent strength behind our relationships which means we can conquer any challenge put in front of us. We keep it together and carry on. Place a smile on our face with a part of our heart missing. We need to be strong for our service member and carry on.

Keep strong. You can do it!

Make sure we keep rising each other up holidays are tough without our love ones but we have each other.

And if you aren’t military reach out you will might not realize how much of a challenge it is.

Day 70

This weekend was filled with surprises and not the good kind. The weekend is when I get to talk to P more since the time difference normally makes it a little tough during the work week. Like my luck would have it, that didnt happened this week because of his schedule. Then when we could talk the wifi would go out. I got a little frustrated… I am learning to just delight in the time I do get to talk him.

This deployment seems like it is never going to end. I am ready to have him home already. Our mantra, “One day closer” helps. I love him so much and wish he could physically be here. And if absence makes the heart grow fonder, then my heart might just explode once he comes home! He knows he is my future and I wouldn’t want it any other way.

Deployment will finish. That first hug and kiss during homecoming will be worth it. He is worth it.

So we are officially past the two-month mark. By everything that I read it is supposed to start getting easier now… But the truth is you just get used to it. There are times of the day when I think he might call cause he usually does. But at the same time, I need to be okay with those days that he doesn’t call. I need to be understanding that on the days he doesn’t call it’s not because he doesn’t want to call it is because he can’t call. 

I still have good days and bad days. You never get used to it. You just cope better I guess…

His phone calls

I never wanted to be the kind of girl who waits by the phone for the guy to call. Or get to the point that a phone call or a text from a guy would make or break my day. But here I am…

But this is different. My love is half a world away. His voice that gives me all the butterflies and can make my entire day better lives there. I replay voice messages and old video messages just to hear his voice or see his face. His voice calms me in my most anxious moments and makes me fall in love with him over and over again. I can’t explain it but a five minute conversation can make a world of difference.

So no, I will not stop checking my phone. Or planning my day around when I hope he calls.