#disclosure latch
You lift my heart up when the rest of me is down (never)
You, you enchant me even when you’re not around (never)
If there are boundaries, I will try to knock them down (never)
I’m latching on, babe, now I know what I have found (never)
I feel we’re close enough
I wanna lock in your love
I think we’re close enough
Could I lock in your love, baby?
Now I got you in my space
I won’t let go of you (never)
Got you shackled in my embrace
I’m latching on to you (never)
: :
These are just a few lines of a new song recently dropped by Disclosure featuring Sam Smith. I personally believe it is perfectly suited for rush hour driving- the beat and electronic edge will keep you alert while Sam Smith’s full vocals are soothing enough to ease even the toughest traffic-jammed commute. When this came on my car radio I shazaamed the crap out of that thing in about 14.5 seconds. But aside from the sound- have you listened to those lyrics? This song reads like the theme song for a Law and Order SVU stalker special, and if it doesn’t make you feel a little sick it probably should. Here are a few lines and a couple of my own thoughts they inspired:
“If there are boundaries // I will try to knock them down”
So it turns out, boundaries are a Thing. They matter.
Without boundaries, you will soon be without relationship.
I picture trying to use a molten key- when it fuses to the lock, the key and the lock both stop working. *And you’re in big trouble, because that locked door was supposed to be your grand escape from that freaking HUGE dragon chasing you!
Healthy boundaries aren’t barriers to relationship- they actually provide the context for relationship where each party is respected by the other and free to be[come] themselves! They establish lines where trust can be cultivated and vulnerabilities can be shared, making way for authentic community.
“Now I got you in my space
I won’t let go of you (never) //
Got you shackled in my embrace
I’m latching on to you (never)”
Unfortunately, vulnerability can be used to manipulate others- whenever we offer a piece of ourselves to someone with the goal of keeping them close, we’re trying to use another person to meet our own needs. When our legitimate desires for intimacy and love become demands, we’re turning the relationship into a business deal- a case of supply and demand. Who wants their friend or loved one to turn into their dealer? One thing I’m learning to do is reevaluate my decision to invite someone into “my space”- if it’s so my own anxieties can be temporarily silenced or I can feel back in control, then I have a problem.
“I’m latching on, babe // now I know what I have found”
But that’s easier said than done. I mean, when someone offers you a taste of those things you crave- to be known and loved for who you are- what do you do? Some people run away and go into avoidance/emotional numbness mode. (If that’s you, I may not have anything to offer you,at least not that you’re likely to connect with right now: in fact I’m not going to lie- I’m a little jealous of your ability to go into full-on hermit-ninja mode.) If you’re anything like me, this is a “just add water” recipe for CRAZY- the kind that involves the worst (and let’s be honest, incredibly obvious?) forms of deception and manipulation, both of the self and the other person- all in the name of “love.” Ugh.
Henri Nouwen talks about the tendency within each of us to latch onto the things we think will bring us life- especially other people. He uses the analogy of two hands clenched together as in fervent prayer. In the long term, this isn’t sustainable, and when one or both hands try to withdraw, there’s inevitable pain and strife. Instead he encourages people to approach each other with mutual respect and care- using the image of hands again, only this time with fingers straightened, palms pressed against each other. There is power in presence. Especially when that presence fosters freedom.
