Breaking News: It’s 2015 and People STILL Think Disney Made Anastasia

Despite it being literally 18 fucking years since its release, a recent report has confirmed that an alarming number of people (roughly 59% of the US population) still believe that the beloved animated film Anastasia was made and released by the Walt Disney Company.

“They’re, like, cartoon people so, like, it’s like Disney, right? Lol,” commented 16-year-old Hannah Hurly.  “Like they sing and stuff so yeah.”

According to this report, many people also believe that other movies such as TangledandWreck-It Ralph were made by Pixar because, “they’re, like, 3D poppy-outy cartoons.”

“It’s, like, OBVIOUS,” said Disney fan Connor Kingsley, readjusting his pair of thick-rimmed, douchy glasses. “The styles in animation are CLEARLY different and these IDIOTS cannot tell the difference.  Such ignorance in this world we live.”

Disney executives have declined to comment.(x).

Study Finds 67% of Disney Fans Take Disney Way Too Seriously

In a report just released by the Disney Institute, a study has found that over 67% of Disney fans take Disney way to seriously.  This result comes in conjunction with the recent popularity of Disney’s Frozen cult, the Brotherhood of Frozen Fun!, and the increasing Cold War-like tensions between people who like Frozen and people who don’t.

“I’m just REALLY unhappy with the direction Disney is going,” said Disney fan and blogger Bridget McCain.  “The parks and movies are going downhill and Disney Channel sucks and everything’s so expensive and it’s LITERALLY ruining my life!”

The study also concluded that 16% of those who take Disney way too seriously are completely apathetic to legitimate problems around the world, and 8% would rather complain about Disney than deal with pressing personal problems in their own lives.  Almost all of those who were studied willingly spent outrageous and unhealthy amounts of money on Disney vacations and merchandise (15%-16% of these subjects purchased these goods and services for the sole purpose of complaining about them online at a later date).

Disney CEO Bob Iger released a statement simply saying, “It’s unfair that our fans take us so seriously.  It’s not like we take them that seriously.”(x).

Disney Lobbies Congress to Change National Anthem to Let it Go

After a recent series of politically charged actions in Washington DC, Disney has now officially announced its plan to lobby Congress into changing the national anthem to Let it Go.

“Why the fuck not?” said a very, very drunk Disney CEO Bob Iger at a press conference earlier today.  “Every goddamn kid in America knows it by heart.  Like, what was the old song anyway? Uptown Funk? Pshhhh… Let it Go is where it’s at, man.”

It is unclear whether or not this is a marketing gimmick for Disney’s upcoming film Frozen 2: The Wonders of Capitalism.(x).

Number of Asshole Kids Who Sing Let it Go All the Time Expected to Increase by 21%

With the announcement of a Frozen sequel earlier today, Disney experts have predicted that the number of asshole kids who sing Let it Go all the time to piss off their peers will increase by approximately 21% by the end of the fiscal year.

Let it Go, popularized last year when Disney and the Illuminati shoved it down the throats of 86% of the world’s population, is expected to make a comeback with the announcement of the Frozen sequel.  

It is still unclear what song Disney will use to brainwash the world’s youth in Frozen 2.(x).

People Somehow Shocked that Frozen 2 is Happening

After Disney announced this morning that a sequel to its hit animated movie Frozen is in the works, many fans remained surprised that the franchise will continue, despite the obvious signs that a sequel was inevitable.

“I can’t believe it,” said Joyce McClennan, 17, clearly unaware of the greedy tendencies that define the capitalist pig that is the Walt Disney Company.  “Like, I thought they would stop.  Everyone’s over it.”

Disney CEO Bob Iger commented, “Lol with all the shit this movie is getting us?  All the money we’ve invested? And people STILL thought we would stop at just one movie?  Bitch, you trippin.”

Armed conflict is expected to ensue between the Frozen and Anti-Frozen fandoms.(x).

Disney Announces Live-Action Remake of Cars

Keeping with its current pattern of re-releasing classic animated films as new, live-action movies, Disney announced on Wednesday that it will remake its 2006 film Carsinto a live-action motion picture.

The new film will maintain the story of the original version, chronicling a celebrity race car’s adventures in a sleepy little town on Route 66.  Michael Bay has been attached to direct, with constable-frozen set to write.  

The release date is set for summer 2019.(x).

Old White Lady:  Disney’s Song of the South “Wasn’t that Bad”

In a statement made earlier today at a family reunion, Judith Stevenson, 86, assured her family members that the 1946 Disney film Song of the South, noted for being one of the most blatantly racist films of all time, was actually, “not thatbad.”

“People say it’s such a racist film, but I didn’t see anything wrong with it,” she said, waving a tiny, prejudiced fist in the air. “You wanna know who’s racist? It’s those BLACKS and those LESBO-GAYS.”

Stevenson reportedly saw the film as a young women and found that, “it shows how them Blacks actually are,” and, “Disney hasn’t made anything that good in years.”  

Disney executives declined to comment or acknowledge the film’s existence.(x).

Disney Executives to Have Sticks Surgically Removed from Butts

Disney announced today that all Disney executives would have the sticks up their butts surgically removed by the end of this year. 

This is a bold new move for the Disney brand.  The last time an executive had his stick surgically removed, Gravity Falls was allowed to air on television, exponentially increasing the net quality of Disney Channel programing.  With all executives without their sticks, quality is expected to grow further, conflicting with earlier reports of a possible rise in general shittiness in the upcoming year. 

Disney has declined to comment, and it is unclear whether this move will interfere with the current direction of the Disney brand.(x).

Breaking News: Winnie the Pooh Dies of Smallpox

Sources confirmed today that beloved Disney character and cultural icon Winnie the Pooh has died.

Pooh passed away today at approximately 4:30pm from smallpox, which he is believed to have acquired from an unvaccinated guest at Disneyland Resort.  He died in the company of his ex-wife, Mariah Carey, and current boyfriend, Daniel Radcliffe. 

Disney executives released this statement regarding Pooh’s death, saying,“[we] are devastated to have lost such and iconic and- wait, he wasn’t in Frozen? Then what’s the big deal? Move the fuck on, people.”

Funeral plans have not yet been decided.(x).

Disney Begins Frozen-based Cult

Disney executives in white robes and princess tiaras announced today the formation of a new religious cult based on the ideology of the recent hit animated film, Frozen.

The Brotherhood of Frozen Fun began the induction process for thousands of new members outside of Cinderella Castle earlier today.  "I just wanna be like Elsa!“ said 9-year-old Michaela Rensie.  "I want us to do good for our earthly kingdom and impale those enemies that try to stop us.”

Disney is charging $40,000 for general membership and $50,000 for Membership+, which comes with a 2-day ParkHopper pass and dining plan.

High School Musical Scientifically Proven to be the Greatest Movie of All Time

According to researchers at the Gracey Institute, 2006 Disney Channel Movie High School Musical has been scientifically proven to be the greatest film ever made.

The cinematic masterpiece, starring Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, was a defining moment of the 21st century for billions around the world.  "After years of meticulous experiments and research, our results yielded exactly the conclusions that we predicted,“ said researcher Walton Yensid. "Few films reach the legendary status of High School Musical.  This movie - no - this miracle - healed a broken nation, and encouraged all of us to bop to the top and break free from the status quo.”

In contrast, Disney CEO Bob Iger presented a very different response to the results of the study. “High School Musical? More like High School SNOOZE-ical!  Hahaha…BUY FROZEN!” he said at a press conference earlier today.  This is in agreement with Disney’s current policy of ignoring any franchise that has nothing to do with Frozen.(x).

Meet Genghis Khan: Disney’s Newest Princess

Today Disney unveiled its latest animated princess franchise, which will focus on the ruthless expansionist emperor of the Mongol Empire, Genghis Khan.

“We are thrilled to welcome Genghis Khan into our princess family,” says Disney CEO Bob Iger in the film’s official press release.  "In this magical take on a true story, Genghis Khan will conquer and slaughter millions to expand the Mongol empire over Eurasia, and define himself as an independent, beautiful woman in the process.“

Casting rumors include Lea Michele as Genghis Khan and Neil Patrick Harris as his enchanted severed-head sidekick.  Robert Lopez is in talks to write original music for the film.(x).

Disney Forms Political Party, Nominates Elsa for President

Disney announced earlier today that it would be forming its own political party in the wake of the upcoming 2016 presidential election.

The People’s Party of Disney, as it is now known, will nominate Queen Elsa for president, with Olaf as her running mate.   Elsa will run on a platform that will encourage imagination, magic, and immigration reform.

Both Queen Elsa and Olaf declined to comment. (x).

Disney Raises Theme Park Prices Again Just to Fuck with People

Disney executives have just raised prices of Disney Theme Park tickets once again.

“Lol we just wanna fuck with people,” said Disney CEO Bob Iger on Thursday, speaking into a solid gold Mickey-shaped microphone. 

The new ticket prices will increase the current price by 10% and require the sacrifice of the guest’s first born child.  The rates will go into effect later this year.(x).

Disney’s Haunted Mansion Criticized for Culturally Appropriating the Ghost Community

Disney’s Haunted Mansion attraction has been gaining criticism recently for its portrayal of ghosts.  Protesters, both dead and alive, gathered in front of Magic Kingdom today to speak out against what they say is cultural appropriation of the ghost community.

“We are a culture, not a merchandising opportunity,” said one activist.  "The terms ‘grim’, 'spook’, and 'haunt’ are outdated and offensive.“

Like every allegation of racism received by the Walt Disney Company, it has been ignored.(x).

Disney Accidentally Opens Portal to Hell, Turns it into a Theme Park

Disney Imagineers have discovered a portal to Hell over the weekend behind Disney California Adventure park at Disneyland Resort.   

“Oh, rad, put up a gate and start charging admission,” replied a Disney executive as soon the breath of Satan himself hit his face.

The new park, called Disney’s Heckland, is expected to break attendance records for the resort in the next quarter.(x).

Disney Replaces Entire Animation Department With Constable-Frozen

In a bold move, Disney announced today that it would lay off its entire animation department and replace it with tumblr icon, constable-frozen. 

In a statement, Disney CEO Bob Iger slowly rocked back and forth on the floor muttering, “Frozen, Frozen,” continuously until he had to be sedated.  

The transition is expected to happen later this year.

Disney to Begin Selling Frozen-themed Cocaine at Disney Parks

Disney announced today that in response to the success of Frozen-themed merchandise in Disney Parks, a new line of Frozen-themed cocaine products will be released to the public.

“What’s not to love about cocaine?” said Disney CEO Bob Iger at a press conference earlier today. “It’s addictive, expensive, and white- a perfect fit for our line of Disney products.”

Sales will begin in late summer.  The powdery substance will be formed to look like snow to match the Frozen theme.(x).