#doc betas sometimes
Thank you for the responses to my last post! I’ll be responding to them individually soon. I now come seeking second opinions on bits from another work. This is a long one, so most of it will be under a cut.
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First is this sentence:
This time, when Mac wakes in the middle of the night, the cold is so much harsher than before.
I’m trying to decide if that comma before “when” is needed. Theoretically, you could take that clause out and the sentence would make sense structurally, but it feels like important contextual information would be missing. My instinct is that the comma can and should go, but I’m not certain.
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Then this one:
Mac drops into the other lounge chair, pulling his socks up with him.
For context, the author originally had written “socked feet,” but Google suggested changing it to “socks.” I think either one is fine depending on the exact imagery you’re going for. The first just brings to mind the character drawing his feet into the seat of the chair, while the second suggests he’s actually tugging his socks up as he also brings his legs into the chair.
The thing that’s actually tripping me up is one I’m not sure is an actual problem. For some reason, I can’t reconcile the use of “drops” in the first part of the sentence with “up with him” in the second. The first obviously and correctly describes that he is moving downward into the chair, but the second then suggests an upward motion. I think it’s just the “with him” part that’s doing this, as if it instead said something like “pulling his feet into the seat,” it wouldn’t sound off to me. Is this a personal hang-up (entirely possible) or something that actually needs clarity?
Thank you for the responses to my last post! I’ll be responding to them individually soon. I now come seeking second opinions on bits from another work. This is a long one, so most of it will be under a cut.
–
First is this sentence:
This time, when Mac wakes in the middle of the night, the cold is so much harsher than before.
I’m trying to decide if that comma before “when” is needed. Theoretically, you could take that clause out and the sentence would make sense structurally, but it feels like important contextual information would be missing. My instinct is that the comma can and should go, but I’m not certain.
–
Then this one:
Mac drops into the other lounge chair, pulling his socks up with him.
For context, the author originally had written “socked feet,” but Google suggested changing it to “socks.” I think either one is fine depending on the exact imagery you’re going for. The first just brings to mind the character drawing his feet into the seat of the chair, while the second suggests he’s actually tugging his socks up as he also brings his legs into the chair.
The thing that’s actually tripping me up is one I’m not sure is an actual problem. For some reason, I can’t reconcile the use of “drops” in the first part of the sentence with “up with him” in the second. The first obviously and correctly describes that he is moving downward into the chair, but the second then suggests an upward motion. I think it’s just the “with him” part that’s doing this, as if it instead said something like “pulling his feet into the seat,” it wouldn’t sound off to me. Is this a personal hang-up (entirely possible) or something that actually needs clarity?
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The next is actually a few sentences all dealing with the same/similar issue, namely the use of “as if” in a sentence and how it should or should not be punctuated:
Swirls of green float among the stars, as if someone took a paintbrush and scribbled across the sky.
The other couple’s eyes flick between them as if to say: “He was yours?”
Murdoc parts and licks his lips, as if in reflex.
Maybe he just traded his rational fear of Murdoc for an irrational one, as if life surrounding Murdoc was never destined to be easy.
I’ve had difficulty finding information about this. As far as I know, “as if” is a subordinating conjunction and shouldn’t be preceded by a comma unless they’re being used to contrast, which none of these examples are. But the comma in the first and last examples… just feel right? The second example appears correct without one, and the third similarly looks like it would be better without one. But I cannot articulate why the other two seem like they need the commas. Do the commas need to be ditched in all of them? Please help, my crops are dying.
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Here’s some fun with quotes:
“Sounds like I know your boss better than you do. Or should I say our boss?”
Should “our boss” in the second sentence take quotation marks on its own? Would it be “Or should I say ‘our boss?’”
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This is some wording that’s tripping me up:
Murdoc weaves through the crowd like he belongs here, pink and blue lights reflecting off his big TV-screen eyes and the fangs of his smile.
Something about “big TV-screen eyes” bothers me, but it might just be that I’m more used to those words in a different word: “big-screen TV?” Is it actually fine as is?
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Another comma-related issue:
His eyes, half-lidded, study Mac—like Mac is a textbook and Murdoc is still too drunk to read.
Should there be a comma after “textbook?” I’m unsure about situations like this because while “Mac is a textbook” and “Murdoc is still too drunk to read” are both complete sentences which would normally need a comma and conjunction to connect them, they’re both part of the comparison that follows that “like.”
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Related to the above:
Maybe Bozer is right and the undercover work really is just messing with Mac’s head.
Should there be a comma after “right?” I’m once again doubting my knowledge of compound sentences here because of that “maybe.”
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Another comma one:
It occurs to Mac that he hasn’t had a real conversation with Bozer, or any of his actual friends, in a while.
Am I correct in thinking that “or any of his actual friends” can take or leave those commas off-setting it depending on how the author would like to emphasize it?
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Oh, goody. More commas:
Maybe Mac will step off the ship and back into his life and never look at a man the wrong way again—well, not wrong, but wrong for him.
“Not wrong, but wrong for him.” I think in most instances of a “not this but that” situation, you wouldn’t separate with a comma? It doesn’t look wrong there though.
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Another comma, I’m so sorry:
He comes back out in sweatpants and a UCLA t-shirt, wet around the collar from his still-dripping hair.
At this point I have just completely forgotten how commas work. Does the comma after “t-shirt” indicate that “wet” is describing “he,” whereas removing the comma would have “wet” describing “t-shirt?”
This was a lot. I’m definitely rusty after not working for so long, and I’d appreciate any help making me word-smart again.
(All snippets shared with permission of the author.)
I’m getting back in the beta saddle, so that means it’s time for more pleas for assistance. This is actually a repost of my last that didn’t get any response. I’ll have another one tonight or tomorrow most likely. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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First, we have:
He had his Junior Woodchuck First Aid certification
(For reference, this is a DuckTales fic, and the Junior Woodchucks are equivalent to Boy Scouts and similar organizations.) My gut says that “First Aid certification” should either all be capitalized or none of it should. Either Junior Woodchucks First Aid Certification is a full proper name, or we’re merely talking about a first aid certification issued by the Junior Woodchucks.
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And second:
using his eye-movement activated virtual interface
“Eye-movement activated” functions together as a single adjective, but what is the correct construction? Is it what’s written or:
eye movement activated
eye movement-activated
eye-movement-activated
I definitely feel like there needs to be a hyphen connecting “activated” at the very least.
Also, would “motion” be a better choice than “movement” here?
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And next there’s:
“Where did you go to save the day, Timbawktu?”
(Please take a moment to appreciate this bird pun.) I’m uncertain about this construction. I think the comma might work? But I think it could also be written as:
“Where did you go to save the day? Timbawktu?”
“Where did you go to save the day: Timbawktu?”
“Where did you go to save the day–Timbawktu?”
Are they all equally correct or is one preferred over others? It was difficult to search for this particular circumstance.
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And then:
“He told me not to follow him!” Fenton snapped back, surprising himself. “And considering that he just beat two heavily armed criminals to an unconscious pulp, I didn’t think antagonizing him was a good idea!
Am I correct in thinking that “he just beat” should be changed to “he’d just beaten” or “he beat?”
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And then of course:
“Good! Great! That’s what I like to hear! Goodbye!” If Dr. Gearloose had an analog phone, Fenton was pretty sure he would have slammed it into the cradle.
Similarly, am I correct that “had” needs to be either “had had” or something like “had been using?” Verb tenses frequently befuddle me.
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But don’t forget:
Dr. Gearloose had softened considerably ever since Boyd had moved in with him, but it felt like everything had fallen apart when the android left.
There’s nothing technically wrong with this sentence, but something about it feels overly formal and wordy to me. Am I overthinking it or could it be loosened up a bit?
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And finally:
Fenton wanted Boyd to come back to Dr. Gearloose for mostly selfish reasons, both because Fenton enjoyed Boyd’s company and because Boyd made working for Dr. Gearloose infinitely more pleasant
I’m unsure about that comma. (Of course.) Is it correct there? Does it need to be or can it be removed or replaced with a colon or em dash? Is it fine as is? This is another specific situation that was difficult to find an answer for.
Any help is appreciated! This has been a fun, challenging chapter.
(All snippets shared with permission of the author.)
Me, writing and editing: Words are so cool. They make me so happy. I want to work with words forever.
Also me, writing and editing: Words are evil. Words make me cry. If I have to look at a word again, I will walk straight into the sun.
