#doc pretends to be a writer
Experiencing a sustained, growing urge to change an OC’s tentative name from August to Calico.
Dare I kill the part of me that cringes?
Thank you for the responses to my last post! I’ll be responding to them individually soon. I now come seeking second opinions on bits from another work. This is a long one, so most of it will be under a cut.
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First is this sentence:
This time, when Mac wakes in the middle of the night, the cold is so much harsher than before.
I’m trying to decide if that comma before “when” is needed. Theoretically, you could take that clause out and the sentence would make sense structurally, but it feels like important contextual information would be missing. My instinct is that the comma can and should go, but I’m not certain.
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Then this one:
Mac drops into the other lounge chair, pulling his socks up with him.
For context, the author originally had written “socked feet,” but Google suggested changing it to “socks.” I think either one is fine depending on the exact imagery you’re going for. The first just brings to mind the character drawing his feet into the seat of the chair, while the second suggests he’s actually tugging his socks up as he also brings his legs into the chair.
The thing that’s actually tripping me up is one I’m not sure is an actual problem. For some reason, I can’t reconcile the use of “drops” in the first part of the sentence with “up with him” in the second. The first obviously and correctly describes that he is moving downward into the chair, but the second then suggests an upward motion. I think it’s just the “with him” part that’s doing this, as if it instead said something like “pulling his feet into the seat,” it wouldn’t sound off to me. Is this a personal hang-up (entirely possible) or something that actually needs clarity?
Thank you for the responses to my last post! I’ll be responding to them individually soon. I now come seeking second opinions on bits from another work. This is a long one, so most of it will be under a cut.
–
First is this sentence:
This time, when Mac wakes in the middle of the night, the cold is so much harsher than before.
I’m trying to decide if that comma before “when” is needed. Theoretically, you could take that clause out and the sentence would make sense structurally, but it feels like important contextual information would be missing. My instinct is that the comma can and should go, but I’m not certain.
–
Then this one:
Mac drops into the other lounge chair, pulling his socks up with him.
For context, the author originally had written “socked feet,” but Google suggested changing it to “socks.” I think either one is fine depending on the exact imagery you’re going for. The first just brings to mind the character drawing his feet into the seat of the chair, while the second suggests he’s actually tugging his socks up as he also brings his legs into the chair.
The thing that’s actually tripping me up is one I’m not sure is an actual problem. For some reason, I can’t reconcile the use of “drops” in the first part of the sentence with “up with him” in the second. The first obviously and correctly describes that he is moving downward into the chair, but the second then suggests an upward motion. I think it’s just the “with him” part that’s doing this, as if it instead said something like “pulling his feet into the seat,” it wouldn’t sound off to me. Is this a personal hang-up (entirely possible) or something that actually needs clarity?
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The next is actually a few sentences all dealing with the same/similar issue, namely the use of “as if” in a sentence and how it should or should not be punctuated:
Swirls of green float among the stars, as if someone took a paintbrush and scribbled across the sky.
The other couple’s eyes flick between them as if to say: “He was yours?”
Murdoc parts and licks his lips, as if in reflex.
Maybe he just traded his rational fear of Murdoc for an irrational one, as if life surrounding Murdoc was never destined to be easy.
I’ve had difficulty finding information about this. As far as I know, “as if” is a subordinating conjunction and shouldn’t be preceded by a comma unless they’re being used to contrast, which none of these examples are. But the comma in the first and last examples… just feel right? The second example appears correct without one, and the third similarly looks like it would be better without one. But I cannot articulate why the other two seem like they need the commas. Do the commas need to be ditched in all of them? Please help, my crops are dying.
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Here’s some fun with quotes:
“Sounds like I know your boss better than you do. Or should I say our boss?”
Should “our boss” in the second sentence take quotation marks on its own? Would it be “Or should I say ‘our boss?’”
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This is some wording that’s tripping me up:
Murdoc weaves through the crowd like he belongs here, pink and blue lights reflecting off his big TV-screen eyes and the fangs of his smile.
Something about “big TV-screen eyes” bothers me, but it might just be that I’m more used to those words in a different word: “big-screen TV?” Is it actually fine as is?
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Another comma-related issue:
His eyes, half-lidded, study Mac—like Mac is a textbook and Murdoc is still too drunk to read.
Should there be a comma after “textbook?” I’m unsure about situations like this because while “Mac is a textbook” and “Murdoc is still too drunk to read” are both complete sentences which would normally need a comma and conjunction to connect them, they’re both part of the comparison that follows that “like.”
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Related to the above:
Maybe Bozer is right and the undercover work really is just messing with Mac’s head.
Should there be a comma after “right?” I’m once again doubting my knowledge of compound sentences here because of that “maybe.”
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Another comma one:
It occurs to Mac that he hasn’t had a real conversation with Bozer, or any of his actual friends, in a while.
Am I correct in thinking that “or any of his actual friends” can take or leave those commas off-setting it depending on how the author would like to emphasize it?
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Oh, goody. More commas:
Maybe Mac will step off the ship and back into his life and never look at a man the wrong way again—well, not wrong, but wrong for him.
“Not wrong, but wrong for him.” I think in most instances of a “not this but that” situation, you wouldn’t separate with a comma? It doesn’t look wrong there though.
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Another comma, I’m so sorry:
He comes back out in sweatpants and a UCLA t-shirt, wet around the collar from his still-dripping hair.
At this point I have just completely forgotten how commas work. Does the comma after “t-shirt” indicate that “wet” is describing “he,” whereas removing the comma would have “wet” describing “t-shirt?”
This was a lot. I’m definitely rusty after not working for so long, and I’d appreciate any help making me word-smart again.
(All snippets shared with permission of the author.)
I’m getting back in the beta saddle, so that means it’s time for more pleas for assistance. This is actually a repost of my last that didn’t get any response. I’ll have another one tonight or tomorrow most likely. Any advice is greatly appreciated.
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First, we have:
He had his Junior Woodchuck First Aid certification
(For reference, this is a DuckTales fic, and the Junior Woodchucks are equivalent to Boy Scouts and similar organizations.) My gut says that “First Aid certification” should either all be capitalized or none of it should. Either Junior Woodchucks First Aid Certification is a full proper name, or we’re merely talking about a first aid certification issued by the Junior Woodchucks.
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And second:
using his eye-movement activated virtual interface
“Eye-movement activated” functions together as a single adjective, but what is the correct construction? Is it what’s written or:
eye movement activated
eye movement-activated
eye-movement-activated
I definitely feel like there needs to be a hyphen connecting “activated” at the very least.
Also, would “motion” be a better choice than “movement” here?
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And next there’s:
“Where did you go to save the day, Timbawktu?”
(Please take a moment to appreciate this bird pun.) I’m uncertain about this construction. I think the comma might work? But I think it could also be written as:
“Where did you go to save the day? Timbawktu?”
“Where did you go to save the day: Timbawktu?”
“Where did you go to save the day–Timbawktu?”
Are they all equally correct or is one preferred over others? It was difficult to search for this particular circumstance.
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And then:
“He told me not to follow him!” Fenton snapped back, surprising himself. “And considering that he just beat two heavily armed criminals to an unconscious pulp, I didn’t think antagonizing him was a good idea!
Am I correct in thinking that “he just beat” should be changed to “he’d just beaten” or “he beat?”
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And then of course:
“Good! Great! That’s what I like to hear! Goodbye!” If Dr. Gearloose had an analog phone, Fenton was pretty sure he would have slammed it into the cradle.
Similarly, am I correct that “had” needs to be either “had had” or something like “had been using?” Verb tenses frequently befuddle me.
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But don’t forget:
Dr. Gearloose had softened considerably ever since Boyd had moved in with him, but it felt like everything had fallen apart when the android left.
There’s nothing technically wrong with this sentence, but something about it feels overly formal and wordy to me. Am I overthinking it or could it be loosened up a bit?
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And finally:
Fenton wanted Boyd to come back to Dr. Gearloose for mostly selfish reasons, both because Fenton enjoyed Boyd’s company and because Boyd made working for Dr. Gearloose infinitely more pleasant
I’m unsure about that comma. (Of course.) Is it correct there? Does it need to be or can it be removed or replaced with a colon or em dash? Is it fine as is? This is another specific situation that was difficult to find an answer for.
Any help is appreciated! This has been a fun, challenging chapter.
(All snippets shared with permission of the author.)
Me, writing and editing: Words are so cool. They make me so happy. I want to work with words forever.
Also me, writing and editing: Words are evil. Words make me cry. If I have to look at a word again, I will walk straight into the sun.
Look, I know it’s Thursday. But yesterday I had a migraine, and you don’t actually have to read about baby Izzy Hands and Sam Bellamy if you don’t want to.
“Izzy! Wait!”
Izzy deliberately and very, very noticeably ignored the call, trudging further down the beach and kicking up as much sand as possible with every dragging step. He didn’t have any expectations of getting away–Sam’s legs were longer, and he was actually running, while Izzy was moving at what could generously be described as a brisk walk and only putting in enough effort to make a point. It was the principle of the thing.
“Izzy!” Sam gasped by his ear, having already caught up and grabbing his arm with both hands to pull them both to a stop, more breathless from laughter than his brief sprint. “Come on, here. I just wanna know.”
“Fuck off,” Izzy spat, pulling perfunctorily at his grasp so Sam could tug him back.
“Don’t be like that,” Sam chided lightly, and Izzy didn’t have to look to know he was grinning like a loon, could hear it in the lift and fall of every word. “I wasn’t making fun of you.”
Izzy turned just enough to scowl wordlessly at him.
“I was teasing you a little,” Sam conceded–because that was different somehow–but his smile softened and turned sheepish, and he tipped his head placatingly. “If I say sorry, will you tell me?”
Trying to figure out what one of my OCs sounds like. Y’all got any examples of raspy, androgynous voices? Babygirl is an arsonist and has probably fucked up her vocal chords some.
Progress on the cat fic so far is just me making memes.
Izzy: *struggling up the gangplank with a cane in one hand and what is clearly a cat in the other*
Ivan: Whatcha got there, boss?
Izzy: A limp.
Cat:*meows*
*snaps out of still, silent reverie, eyes wide and crazed* I’m going to give Israel Hands a cat.
Izzy hands is Ed’s angry chihuahua this, Izzy Hands should be Stede’s ill-tempered purse dog that, NO - Izzy Hands is a hates-everyone-but-its-person cat, half feral and allergic to change, and maybe he would stop trying to claw everyone’s face off if he had an actual kittycat to pet and lay his face against when he gets overwhelmed.
Social integration and community bonding through cat adoption. That’s it, that’s the fic I’m planning.
At least half the reason I want to write this OFMD fic I’m brainstorming is to be able to tag it with “we’re not leaving this boat until everyone knows how fucking special they are.”
Writing fanfiction and headcanons about my fucked-up little guys: I am gonna make you so happy, and that is a threat.
What would y’all (at least y’all that are familiar with my writing) consider my strongest pieces?
I’m considering applying to Slumber Zine, and I’m having a hard time deciding what to submit as writing samples.
Going through my pirate phase in my late 30s it looks like.
I’ve already made three queer little pirate OCs to have queer little pirate adventures. Their names are Sunshine, Seong-Jin, and Jericho. Their captain found them all half-starved and feral in an alley; they bit him a half-dozen times, and he adopted them on the spot. They’re all some flavor of nonbinary. They have exactly one braincell between them, and Jericho has it all the time and does not want it. They are a set and must not be separated.
They bring me immense joy.
I don’t know what this is. I do, but I don’t. Context will be provided only upon request. I tried out starting from the middle of an idea rather than the beginning, and it’s been so long since I’ve written or even read my own work that I don’t know if this even sounds like my own work, and I know I’m gonna edit this to hell and back and drive myself insane, but. Hey. WORDS. I made words. That’s a start.
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“You want me to fuck him up?”
She snapped her head back to him but only looked curious, tilting it to the side. “What, like, kill him?”
Victor shrugged. “Eventually.” He had been itching for a mark lately. Oswald was just as particular as Roman had been about the when and where of Victor selecting his own targets (and even more so the who) and didn’t provide nearly as many himself. “But I mean, y’know, scare him, mess him up. Hurt him.”
Masami’s head tilted further, birdlike. (Fucking songbird.) “You’d do that? If I asked?”
Victor shrugged again, a little glad she hadn’t said “For me?” “Sure.”
It was what he did. Well. Not what he did on his own but what he was willing to do when directed. And he was good at it, even enjoyed it. They deserved it, after all. Death was a gift he granted the suffering masses, but some people needed to endure a little more horror before receiving that reward: especially the ones that interfered with the people Victor was responsible for.
And now by word of Penguin himself, that category included the fucking birdie–though Victor could admit he’d made peace with the idea beforehand. His little stunt in the Lounge had been proof enough of that. (But it still would have been weird if she’d said “For me?”)
“It was a dick move,” he offered as explanation, interpreting her silence as a need for one. “He’s got it comin’.”
“Mm.” She kept staring at him with her head canted, blinking slowly, one corner of her mouth tugging into the faintest smile, still curious but now also… amused. Appraising. Victor very deliberately didn’t think about how familiar that look was or on exactly whose face he’d seen it before. “That’s… sweet.”
She tipped her neck back to a human angle and took another glance down the street before spinning right back on him, smile suddenly all canines and mischief. “Could I watch?”
