#doesn’t

thescoobies:

When I was in college and officially starting the process of distancing myself from my father - whom I have not spoken to in over 15 years now - I wrote an emotional letter.

Trying, trying to get through to him.

I included the line, “I don’t cry to try an manipulate you,” something my step-mother had to my face accused me of (don’t worry, I only lived a few months with the woman before leaving for college).

His reply was a fairly literal “I don’t believe that,” a stating of fact.

And flashing to me earlier in college, trying desperately to fast walk to a bathroom so I could bawl my eyes out after - something, doesn’t matter - fortunately let me factually say to myself “Nope, I hate crying in front of people, that’s wrong.”

But, yep. Me showing negative emotions in front of anyone is a sign I’m at a 130% on the overwhelmed scale, please understand that this is entirely trauma based, all the way down (including my decision at entirely too young to “deal with my own problems” because everyone else in the family had too hard a time dealing with their own and it was “safer”).