#electricexhibitions

I suspect depression has been around for a while,
But thank God I’m still not suicidal.
They said they wanted to die before they’re old,
And that still hits home for me,
And I can’t help but agree.

Not only am I now in the hazy future of last year,
But I’ve thought beyond my current everyday,
I’ve been making more and more plans.
People are waiting to see the impact
They always expected to watch me leave on the world,
And I feel the pressure keenly.
Will my ideas be enough,
And do I have time for them all?
I’m still not sure there will be impact
Beyond these next 10 years,
A mission long dead before the age of 40.
The feeling that I will be too, looms.

A husband?
Some kids?
I don’t know,
She keeps trying to convince me,
Says it’s just my past that’s haunting me,
While I keep hurting boys who
Think they like me.
More people are getting attached,
So I’m not just floating
Through their lives
As an afterthought in the background.
I make them smile and laugh,
I listen to them and help them
Problem solve and organize,
And they thank me
And mean it.

I didn’t ask for this but I’ll allow it;
I have significance by my very existence
And the space I occupy while there’s
Still oxygen in my chest.
I’m here for a reason.
They say one day someone will wreck my plans again,
Pick them up
And smash them against the wall,
And I’ll listen to the pieces
Shatter to the ground,
And realize I’d been waiting for this moment.
For now,
I suppress any feelings
That would contribute
To such a foolish idea,
To something so crazy,
And insane,
And terrifying as the possibility
That my mother is right about me,
And what little I thought I’d figured out,
Is wrong.

~A.G. 11/10/19

(Reflective sequel to ‘Wrecked Plans’ 3 years later, and ‘The Rebuilding’ 2 years later.)